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when to separate yourself from family? - 7/31/2008 12:22:07 AM
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Luv4self
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I am going to simplify this a much as possible. When I was born, my father made sure I had everything he could possibly give me. I went to the best schools, had nice clothes, I was his little girl. I don't think my mom really liked this but she couldn't do anything bc my father was the breadwinner. My father passed when I was 10. I'm pretty sure my mom resented me and she pretty much let me know this by disrespecting me way into my adult life. Recently I have been trying to assert myself to not be disrespected by her cursing, name calling or yelling.
What I have noticed is that my brothers and sister all have followed my mom's lead to different degrees. Some blantant and some subtle. None of my siblings really respect me. My brother has told me that I need to "get my life together" bc I don't really have a booming social life because I go to school, work a job and a half and I just bought a house. I have been in therapy and honestly, I'm content with where I am in life. I'm have my education and my career is good and I am optimistic about my future. My problem is that my family is very toxic for me I feel. There is no respect for me and I feel as though they think I'm nothing as they have always treated me that way. My family thinks I am stand-offish. I do have a phone relationship with them and I speak to all but one weekly. I don't want to be in any relationship, family included, where I am not valued or respected. I doubt if my family will see my side being that I can rarely ever say anything right. I'm not trying to play the victim, in fact, I feel as though I'm a survivor. Should I keep my distance with safe boundaries which work for me? I mean the only reason I would start being around them more is to make them happy. I would only be doing it for them.
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 7/31/2008 1:29:16 AM
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deermousie
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You haven't said how old you are, but you're in school and holding down a job and a half, so you're an adult. And a hard-working one at that! Good on ya! I think you are doing spledidly. 
You didn't say if your family are Christians, but it looks like they are willing to be in relationship with you even if it's just to bad-mouth you. Yes, they are toxic. Another way of saying 'sinning.' I'd keep up the phone calls, but let them know if they insult you or insist on lying about anything (like, who you are or where your life is going) then I'd say "I don't want to discuss something that is not true or is insulting and I have to end this call now. I hope next week our conversation will be better." Then gently hang up.
Eventually they'll stop talking to you, get madder (their problem not yours. Tell them you'll call back when they are more controlled), or <gasp> stop doing the bad stuff. Unlikely, but God could do it.
Then I'd limit my time with them, maybe more than you have, and get on with my life.
You call the conditions you'll tolerate, and let them cull the relationship if they don't like it. This may not be scriptural, so I'd like to hear what others say. I may change my mind.
This is tough to live with. Good for you for getting therapy, going to school and working hard. May God bless you and give you wisdom and comfort. He is your heavenly Father and He loves you. So do I!
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 7/31/2008 1:56:10 AM
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matt52490
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I am sorry to hear that you are going through those things. It is very difficult when people you love turn against with no good reason to do so. But I must say, that even through all that it seems to me that you have your life very much together. You are doing what you need to do to make sure that you have a good future ahead of you, and many people cannot say that. Keep up all the hard work. But I would also like to say, that although your family is important and you should never try to forget about them or sever your relationship with them, just remember that you must always put God first. Matthew 6: 33 says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." So seek God and His righteousness, and pray for your family and God will work it out as Paul said in Romans 8: 28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." have faith and God bless.
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 7/31/2008 3:15:18 AM
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Luv4self
Posts: 61
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I am in my mid 30's. I am definitely Christian. My sister has a Christian foundation, not sure about what my brothers are. My mom was raised in the church but is definitely not practicing. I am the only one of my sibs that is saved and baptized. It's funny, but this year God has been testing my relationships big-time...I wonder what He's doing...
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/5/2008 10:05:34 PM
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rcross0
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I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I had to make a very painful choice several years ago and separate myself from my family for my own physical safety as well as emotional well-being. It has been very hard for me at times, but I do believe that it is the decision God had for me and I have gotten stronger in Him because of it.
My family thinks I'm crazy to make this choice, however they have also "disowned" me for my faith as a Christian. It is hard and I wouldn't recommend severing a relationship completely with family unless there really aren't any other options.
However, I do think you should set some defined boundaries and even physical boundaries. If they cannot accept that, well, things will change one way or the other. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, as it was incredibly painful for me. I am still in the process of healing, but God has carried me through this time. He is your Father and He will carry you as well.
If they do get verbally abusive or really give you a hard time, I would set hard boundaries and tell them that you aren't going to stick around, etc.
My heart is with you. Keep pressing on....
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/9/2008 2:28:55 AM
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jaimestarcross
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It seems to me your dad did set these things into motion by doing
so much for you... and set you apart from the others... jealousy and
resentment reared their ugly heads!
Have you ever tried to imagine how that made your siblings feel (or how your mom felt?) all those years you got the "best" - if I'm wrong, I'm sorry but I don't see what your dad did as a good thing! It hurt the family.
Your siblings got a raw deal --- I don't see any mention of them getting equal treatment... going to the best schools, having the best that dad could buy for them.
{I'm not saying you deserve to be cursed or disrespected - that is wrong!
I do think all of you should seek family counseling if possible... so much hurt and
resentment has nearly ruined the family completely!}
Please don't shut them out completely - do set healthy boundaries with each of your family members. Pray for them continually... they sure need salvation, healing/restoration!
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/9/2008 8:12:39 AM
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csl7037
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I think I'm pretty much with jaimestarcross here. What struck me was that you were ten when your dad died and I have to assume (because it's natural to do) that you have romanticized his memory a bit. And, being in your mid-30's, I'd think you should be able to understand now, more than when you were ten, what a blow that must've been to your mother...and of course to your siblings. Can you even fathom being widowed with small children? If she didn't do everything perfectly, couldn't continue to spoil you, keep you in the best schools, whatever, maybe her life was no walk in the park either! And if you copped an attitude about all that (seems like you still do), I can only imagine why you felt "resentment" from her. Even when you talk about them now, you sound incredibly judgemental and harsh - you're right, your life's together, you're a Christian, they're not, should you just "separate yoursel"? Maybe this is what the Lord's trying to weed out of your heart. Maybe you need to try loving "your enemies" and pray "for those who spitefully use you" - they're your family afterall. If they're not saved, why would they look at your attitude toward them and ever want to be?
Having said all that, sorry if it was blunt, there is something to be said for boundaries. When I read your title, I expected to find a description of a family like dh's. There's really nothing redeemable about his brothers as people (one has a real job now, in his 40's, that's something), their family life was horrific, there's nothing good that these people contribute to his life at all - as a matter of fact, we have to regularly check his credit report and criminal record to make sure no one's used his name. You keep yourself at a healthy distance. You can't overthink that in therapy either - what's healthy, where's the boundary, who's toxic....I hate all the buzz words (that just get you more hours and more money wasted in therapy). Just have some common sense about it but you have to have the right attitude about it and about them. Admittedly I don't have a great attitude about my in-laws but dh is able to handle it because he's found the correct distance emotionally and physically.
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/9/2008 11:43:16 PM
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Luv4self
Posts: 61
Joined: 8/11/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
Your siblings got a raw deal --- I don't see any mention of them getting equal treatment... going to the best schools, having the best that dad could buy for them.
When my father passed, my sibs were 5, 3, and 2...so no schools really at that point. I do know my sister was set to follow in the same school that I did. He did equally for all of us, he worked really hard to provide for my mom and all of my sibs. I think he did more for me because I was alone with he and my mother the longest. I am four years older than my next sib.
quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
What struck me was that you were ten when your dad died and I have to assume (because it's natural to do) that you have romanticized his memory a bit.
Yeah, I agree with you on this...I have to check myself regularly about this.
quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
if you copped an attitude about all that (seems like you still do), I can only imagine why you felt "resentment" from her.
Nope... I don't...I don't like to be disrespected and talked to in just any type of way. If that's being judgemental or harsh, then so be it, I'll be that! I've grown up being yelled at, cursed at and emotionally abused well in to my 20s maybe even into my 30's. I honestly think my mother doesn't like me which I'm kind of coming to grips with this, but I'm learning how to stand up for myself!
quote:
There's really nothing redeemable about his brothers as people (one has a real job now, in his 40's, that's something), their family life was horrific, there's nothing good that these people contribute to his life at all
Okay, that isn't harsh or judgemental???
quote:
dh is able to handle it because he's found the correct distance emotionally and physically.
I'm just tying to do the same thing!
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Don't just live... be alive!
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/10/2008 9:50:17 AM
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csl7037
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I'm on my phone so it's too hard to cut & paste quotes. But I only meant to point out how unimaginable the grief is to lose a spouse - especially a loving involved good provider. She was left with four tiny children and I think it's an enormous accomplishment just to have held it together at all! I just think a little grace would go a long way. As a wife and mother I can only begin to imagine how hard those years were for her. It wasn't fair but you were mothered by a woman in so grief; if she wasn't the perfect mom, she didn't exactly have the perfect life
For my BILs, my attitude stinks. I just stay out of it. I mention them here from time to time but try hard not to to dh. As messed up as they are. As "toxic" as they are. Dh can't turn away from them or give up on them.
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RE: when to separate yourself from family? - 8/10/2008 10:50:17 PM
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Luv4self
Posts: 61
Joined: 8/11/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
As messed up as they are. As "toxic" as they are. Dh can't turn away from them or give up on them.
I truly empathize with your hus as I feel some of our situations are similar. It's hard because no matter what, they are still family. Even if you don't want to be, you are still loyal to them in some respect.
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Don't just live... be alive!
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