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need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love" - 11/3/2008 9:36:01 AM
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praying_hubby
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/3/2008
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Ladies,
I'm going through some extreme marital discouragment at the moment (I've posted in the marriage section), and we are now recently separated. I do have a question for you. My wife has told me that she still loves me, but is not "in-love" with me anymore. Have any of you experienced this? is there hope? and what have you done about it; if you wouldn't mind sharing?
I have been praying to our Lord day and night; I just completed that book "the love dare", and my own walk with the Lord has increased dramatically. Plus, I love my wife more now, than I ever have before. I recognize that love is a "choice", and that we can lead our hearts to our spouse if we should choose to do so. I have chosen to do so. I also realize that we cannot make someone else love us; again, it's a choice they must make on their own. By all accounts, she says I've been a great husband to her, but that her feelings just aren't there anymore.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? what did you do to overcome this? I'm asking for both sides of the coin, i.e. the women that were trying to get their spouses to "try", as well as women who "lost their feelings". I appreciate your responses.
for those of you that may want more details or insight into my situation before responding, please read my post in the marriage section: "separated, needing prayer badly"
I thank you for your insights and responses. God Bless.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 9:38:09 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 793
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: online
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I have not been in your situation but I can pray for the restoration of your marriage. Nothing is impossible with God.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 5:38:26 PM
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hisprincess59
Posts: 116
Joined: 7/17/2007
From: Tulsa, OK
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Too many people believe that love is a feeling, hence the statement "not 'in love' anymore". Love is a choice and a commitment, no matter what you are feeling. If she doesn't realize that...I don't know how much hope there is. But we surely can pray that she gets the "mind of Christ".
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 6:23:54 PM
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DuckTalk
Posts: 228
Joined: 9/16/2008
From: A Duck Hole in Tennessee
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You said that you just completed a book that has made you recognize that love is a "choice", and that we can lead our hearts to our spouse if we should choose to do so. That you have chosen to do so with your wife.
I would be pressed to ask, "Did you not love her before"?
You see, just like men want to be the adored and admired guy that we treated them like in the beginning, we want the same passion and romance that says we are every bit as desirable as we were in the beginning. For me, if that slows down without reason or comes to a halt for any length of time, I would feel that my husband might still love me too, but was not in-love with me either. Left un-discussed for a length of time and I can see where the in-love could change to an appreciative love.
Since you have already separated, my suggestion would be to tell her that you understand and would like to start dating her again and see where that goes.
_____________________________
Sufferin' sassafrass. The nerve of some people, profitting from other people's miseries.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 8:23:19 PM
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twinkly
Posts: 407
Joined: 6/21/2008
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I have both felt that way and been told this.
The blunt and honest truth is this:
When my now exhusband told it to me, it was because he was in the middle of an affair.
When I told it to my husband, it was after years of his neglecting even my most basic needs, of being borderline verbally abusive to me and our children, and just all around not being the husband I am quite sure God had wanted him to be.
I smell that either you were very neglectful of her needs, or that she has her eye on someone else, even if he is just a friend right now, that is meeting her needs, or both.
It can most certainly be overcome, but you need to do a little investigating behind her motives. Who requested the separation? If she did, do some snooping. And continue, above all else, to work on yourself. If she sees permanent long term changes in you, it will prove to her you are serious about fixing any of the things you did wrong and that you do want the marriage to work.
Separation is not a good thing. Those "trial" separations, etc... so not good for a marriage... they make it too easy not to work at it and to live a single life. The sooner you two are back living in the same house, the better.
_____________________________
Our bodies are the temple of the Lord, let us starting treating them as such!
Come and join the 2009 BODY REVIVAL thread!
http://forums.crosswalk.com/fb.aspx?m=4073599
The Body Revival recipe thread is in the "Home and Garden" forum
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 11:30:58 PM
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praying_hubby
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I definitely loved her before. But not as much as I do now; which is ironic considering the circumstances. I asked the Lord to teach me how to love my wife as He loves us, and He has. I can't say that I truly loved my wife "unconditionally" before. I definitely loved her, and tried to meet her needs, but I will admit; I was selfish at times too.
I accept my part in the responsibility for why my marriage is in the state that it's in. It was both my wife and I that allowed it to atrophy this far. We were never really neglectful towards each other, at least not intentionally. We just let other issues get in the way. She's dealing with abuse issues from her childhood, which have been shaking us apart. We've also been dealing with issues of a blended family. It hasn't been easy, but I believe in God for good things for us. Thank you for your response.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/3/2008 11:40:07 PM
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praying_hubby
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/3/2008
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Thank you for your insight Twinkly. Of myself I will say this... I have been a very tender loving husband. I have made some mistakes along the way, as illustrated prior, i.e. letting children sometimes take priority over time with my wife (and she has done the same). I've never been abusive and would never dream of being abusive. With that said, I know that if I had done everything "perfectly", that we probably wouldn't be where we are now. It definitely takes two to make things work, as well as fall apart.
Incidentally, you may be right about her taking an "interest" in a friend. She had become very chatty with a male friend of hers awhile back. I confronted her on it, as it became "inappropriate". She acknowledged that she was beginning to develop feelings for him. He is in a relationship as well (at least he was at the time, I have no idea now). Anyway, she said she broke off contact with him out of respect for me, and for his sig other.
Whether she's falling into that pattern again, I don't know; and being separated now, it will be very difficult to find out. I pray she does not, and that she would honor our marriage. I will certainly try to find out. And I agree that the sooner we are back under the same roof, the better. I do believe some space can be good for a short time; but after awhile, space is just space; and if we're not growing together, we're growing apart. Thanks for the response!
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/4/2008 5:38:49 AM
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twinkly
Posts: 407
Joined: 6/21/2008
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If she has a background of sexual abuse, that will cause problems in a marriage as well if she has not dealt with it. Is she in counseling for it? If not she needs to be or it will never work out.
Also, some abuse victims find it hard to stay faithful in a marriage. Because of their abuse they are either numb, or they don't feel worthy of a good marriage and purposely sabotage it, or they act the way they feel which could be dirty and worthless.
I'd look into that old friend and see if she really broke that off. You are still married. You have every right to let that friend know, by YOU, that YOU are doing everything you can to salvage the marriage and that there is no room for 3 people in it. Inform his significant other of the friendship as well, as she has a right to know and to do damage control on her end. If it is not him and maybe someone else, get it nipped in the bud. Separated, unless you are legally separated, is not divorce. Do some snooping and damage control pronto!
_____________________________
Our bodies are the temple of the Lord, let us starting treating them as such!
Come and join the 2009 BODY REVIVAL thread!
http://forums.crosswalk.com/fb.aspx?m=4073599
The Body Revival recipe thread is in the "Home and Garden" forum
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/4/2008 6:20:11 AM
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praying_hubby
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/3/2008
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Thankyou Twinkly. I will definitely look into it and see what I can find out.
She is in therapy, and has confronted it. She's been in therapy now for about 16 months for this; and she has made some progress. Nevertheless, I know she still has a long way to go. I know she will need to work on forgiveness, before the burden will ever truly be lifted from her.
I have talked to my wife about our trust issues, and have told her that I will not tolerate infidelity. I know you're right that I need to find out what's going on, and if anything is going on, that I need to nip it in the bud fast; and definitely confront the "friend", if he is in fact a factor.
She has told me recently that she's been praying that the Lord would restore her feelings for me. So that's encouraging at least. At least it shows there is a desire on her part to feel what she used to for me.
I've done a fair bit of research on childhood sexual abuse as well. I've never been a victim, but am trying to understand as much as possible for my wife's sake. I just finished a book called "the haunted marriage", and it talks a lot about what you mentioned; about the survivors survival techniques; one of which is "numbing", or pushing their spouse (in this case me) away to the point that she begins to "numb" herself towards the relationship so that she doesn't have to feel anything.
Unfortunately, what we're going through right now is very consistent with everything I've read about prior sexual abuse. And while I acknowledge that there are definitely marital issues between us not not revolving around the abuse (as previously discussed); I realize that the sexual abuse is playing a significant factor as well. I realize that this situation tears many couples apart; and the ones which survive need real "staying power", usually from the survivor's spouse. Above all, we need intercession and prayer from our Lord.
Thank you Twinkly. If you have any other insights, please let me know! God Bless.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/4/2008 8:14:58 AM
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twinkly
Posts: 407
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
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Go to
marriagebuilders.com
It can be a very helpful place for concerns such as yours.
Read through it, look up some of the books, contact them for counseling.
Might be helpful for both of you to go there if you can get her to do it.
Any inappropriate friendships on her part are not going to help your marriage or help her to heal from her abuse. You are right to not tolerate it period.
And know that if this friend is still in the picture, or any other male friend for that matter, and you confront this man and let their sig other know as well, your wife will be mad as all get out at you. BUT, it is the best thing you can do. Shed light where there is darkness. Nothing kills inappropriate friendships faster than confronting them.
_____________________________
Our bodies are the temple of the Lord, let us starting treating them as such!
Come and join the 2009 BODY REVIVAL thread!
http://forums.crosswalk.com/fb.aspx?m=4073599
The Body Revival recipe thread is in the "Home and Garden" forum
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/7/2008 12:17:15 AM
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nevaehs_gaze
Posts: 353
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: United States
Status: offline
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Have you or she read the 5 Love Languages book? Or the book Love and Respect? I think both books would have a lot of insight and help for couples whose marriages may be on the rocks.
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/12/2008 4:15:03 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 207
Joined: 5/29/2008
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I'll be praying too for you both.
I've noticed that so many people want to maintain that "in-love" passionate, honeymoon feeling but it's not realistic. Life happens. That's why love is a choice not based on a feeling as much a decision to honor and respect our spouses. By buying into that feeling nonsense is why so many have affairs, divorces and are never happy in relationships. Losing that passion by neglecting romance in marriage is not uncommon and something that has be be worked on.
As others have said, continue praying for her. Continue working on yourself: striving to be a godly man, loving husband, etc. Encourage her to be a godly woman as well. Encourage and support and be accountable to each other.
What was it about you that she fell in love with in the beginning? What activities did you do, what hobbies or interests did you share? Maybe regaining a bit of youth may help her remember, you too.
Blessings to you both!
_____________________________
Allison's World My Blog
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 11/12/2008 11:18:56 PM
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captainfraulein
Posts: 536
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From: Planet Earth
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Try to remember what captured her.
_____________________________
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
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RE: need a woman's advice- love but not "in-love&q... - 12/6/2008 9:35:32 PM
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girlbassist
Posts: 79
Joined: 11/19/2008
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Aw hubby, I feel for you. I guess it can be so easy to settle into a rut and let the rhythms of life take over and make everything seem so blah. A good website is also www.themarriagebed.com . It's a Christian site and although it mostly deals with the sexual issues of marriage, it also deals with the other stuff.
I can give you the perspective of the wife who is leaning away from the husband. We never separated, but came pretty close to it. I've always been somewhat commitment-phobic just because of how I was raised. My family never really showed affection and my sister took the opposite route. She sought physical affection from men for love and affirmation (she's been married three times, but now she's dating a Christian man and is finally in a healthy relationship). As a result is that I'm a bit emotionally cold on the outside. My mom was pretty cold and my first love hurt me pretty bad so my coping mechanism is to stay emotionally detached. My best advice is just to hang in there and keep praying. My husband and I are not totally where we should be, but we're hanging in there and working on it and praying. My prayer is that your wife sees you as Jesus sees you. That's my prayer for how I see my husband.
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