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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/6/2008 6:45:15 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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July 6, 2008
I find myself in a bit of a quandary today. As most of you who read this blog know, I’ve been under a great deal of stress. Once again, it’s all situational.
In two days, we celebrate our 19th anniversary. My sister asked me the question last night, if you could go back and do it all over again, would you marry her. When I answer it honestly, I have to say no.
So much of the situational stuff that has plagued our marriage comes down to money. Neither of us has been good at handling money. We’ve dug huge holes and have gotten ourselves out of these holes each and every time. Problem is, I’m tired of repeating the cycle. Just like each previous time, I keep hoping this time will be the last. I keep hoping that this time she will change her patterns.
Our present situation finds us unable to make our mortgage payments. We have been in contact with our lender and are working on trying to make arrangements to prevent foreclosure. Losing my house in and of itself is something I can handle. But, we have her parents’ home on our property. If I lose my place, they’re out too.
I have spoken with both my mom and my sister and they have both “suggested” that I move on. My mother has said she feels my wife has been less than honest with me about things. My sister is concerned for me because in the 19 years I’ve been married, she really doesn’t know my wife. Every time my sister calls, if my wife answers the phone, she hands it over to me. There’s no talk past the small stuff.
I’m troubled today as I write this because I have found myself thinking long and hard about their thoughts and suggestions. Communication at home between my wife and myself has never been strong. When it comes to spending, we’ve both been irresponsible. Yet, as I look back through the years at each of the holes we’ve crawled out of, I’ve been the one to fix the problem.
There is a difference this time. I’ve raised my hands in surrender and have given her the responsibility of contacting the mortgage company. I’ve also given up on trying to know how much money is in our account. For the first time in nearly 20 years, she is entering our financial info into a record and keeping track of where money is going. Once again, I hope that all will be well.
At the same time, I find myself giving up in other areas. I am still having difficulty finding passion in God. I know all the sayings about drawing near to Him and finding comfort. Yet, I feel like I’ve done this time and time again and here I am again. There is no more comfort in where I search for Him. I feel like I have become one of the hypocrites I detested that kept me away from church. My integrity is something I value deeply. I feel like my wife does not hold this same value for integrity that I do. It seems that she does not see where her actions reflect on me as well. I feel like she still views us as two separate people who happen to be married. I do not get the sense that she sees us as one flesh in the same way I view our marriage.
I really hate to write stuff like this. I fear her reaction if she were to ever read it. Yet, I take some comfort in the fact that she will, most likely, never take the time to read through any of this blog. If she does read this one, she’ll say “I can’t believe you think this way.”
I want to be able to honestly say that I would love to marry her all over again. But, I fear for the future of our marriage in the empty nest years. We don’t really talk. We don’t share that many interests together apart from the kids. Yes, I really do need God’s strength. But why does it feel like I’m the one doing all the work?
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“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/27/2008 2:09:04 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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7-27-08
I’m simply writing to keep this blog alive. I find myself with nothing significant to say. As I read through the past few posts, it’s depressing. Things are still the same. I’m working like crazy and barely making it.
We cancelled our TV. It’s been good as it gets the kids out of the house. It hasn’t really fostered better communication yet. At least, not that I can see. I’m working nights and everyone is gone to one place or another during the day.
I’ve been getting most of my news from the radio or the internet. It’s been interesting reading about or hearing the reports about Barakstar Obama on his overseas trip. I did happen to see some coverage of his trip on the TV the other day while at the gym. The picture I saw was a young black girl and a middle aged white woman standing in Berlin listening to him speak. The look in their eyes was as if they were seeing a rock star.
I don’t get it. Why the fascination? What is it about him that makes people go nuts? Thus far, his speeches I’ve heard haven’t said anything of substance. All too frequently he sounds like a blubbering fool. It’s glaringly apparent that when he has to think for himself and not use the teleprompter he chokes on words.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that Al Gore is the modern Charles Darwin. Mr. Gore has taken theory and pushed it into the public realm via the media as fact.
As I said, nothing of substance today, just needed to post to keep this thing alive. By the way. Thanks for your prayers.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/15/2008 4:57:11 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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8-14-08
My wife and I were driving home from the cities yesterday and had quite a conversation about the church. We’ve both been involved in church leadership for quite some time now.
I think the conversation began with her telling me about a meeting she had with the music and worship committee. The leader of the group was pushing for other members to attend a conference where they could all learn about more effective leadership in music and worship. The cost of the conference is a bout $200 for each person.
My wife said she has been to dozens of conferences and does not feel that another conference is gong to be the magic pill that’s going to get everyone on the same sheet of music. God gifted my wife with an ability to lead music and worship and to speak to the congregation in meaningful language to prepare and draw others into worship. She said, in her mind, music is not the crux of worship, the preaching of the word is.
Somehow, the conversation turned to the programs offered in the church. This is something that has been a burr under my saddle for quite some time. We have programmed things to such an extent, we no longer fulfill the one anothers of scripture. She spoke about how we, as Christians, tend to be like Amway salesman as we have an agenda.
Our little church is no different than most. One of the things our pastor has really been pushing over the past few years is evangelism and outreach. These are words that have importance within the Christian communality. But, what do they mean? To most attenders of the church it means coming together to meet and plan some sort of event to push our agenda on some other person.
I hate to discuss this in this manner because I don’t see Christ as and “agenda.” Yet what scares most unbelievers away from the church? Knowing that they are going to have an agenda thrust upon them before they leave.
One of the things I learned while working as a probation officer is that people are spiritually hungry. But, they want someone to be there to listen to then, to walk along side them, they want their sermon to be by example, not forced upon them. Far too many Christians I have met in my life are so consumed with spreading the gospel that they have forgotten how to relate with the people they seek to serve.
Seems to me that we need to get away from the programs that we, the church, offer and get back to learning how to be friends with people. To get back to the one anothers of the gospel. Following another conversation here on Crosswalk, it seems we need to begin this within our own homes first, then spread it through our communities.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/31/2008 11:43:22 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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August 31, 2008
I’m sitting in a coffee shop in a suburb of the twin cities enjoying a dark roast coffee and using the free wi-fi. I’m preparing to head back to the state fair, the great Minnesota Get Together for day 10 of 12. My feet hurt. They’re tired too. I haven’t walked this much since my days at Ft. Benning 12 years ago.
Being a cop at the state fair is interesting. Mostly I feel like a walking information booth. We get asked several times per hour where the nearest bathroom is or where the pork chop on a stick is. Everyday consists of comforting a panicked parent while we initiate a search for a lost child. There is joy in finding the lost child and reuniting them with their family.
Of course, there are the several times per day that we have to deal with drunks and/or disorderly fair goers. Because we are short staffed and there are hundreds of thousands of people in attendance, most disorderly folks are simply escorted off the grounds.
I’ll keep this short as I have to head in early and do a report on a theft one of the vendors reported. I’m ready for this to be over and to get back to my family.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/7/2008 12:05:29 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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September 7, 2008
I find myself angry as I write this. In recent months I have not been attending church as frequently. My work schedule makes for a convenient excuse to miss services. But, truthfully, I have not felt like going much lately. In my struggles, I should be running to God and I find myself running from Him. Over the past few weeks I have stopped running and have been seeking Him.
There are other reasons for not wanting to be at church. I won’t go into detail. Most of them are purely selfish on my part, a result of people not meeting my expectations. I have come to understand that it’s not about me and I have to get over myself.
Today, however, my work schedule changed and I had the opportunity to attend church with my family. I was actually looking forward to church. But, in order to make it to work on time after the service, I had to wear my police uniform to church.
Today also happens to be the day that our church goes back to the school year schedule. Traditionally we do a Sunday school kickoff. My family was at the kickoff and I arrived a little late to join them. As the kickoff ended, the chairman of the deacon board approached me and said that the last time I wore my uniform to church some people expressed concern about me wearing my gun in church.
I don’t know if it was one person or more. I suppose it really doesn’t matter. I was asked if I could leave my gun locked in the trunk of my car. I told him no, it’s part of the uniform. If I wear the badge, the gun goes with it. I asked him what I was to do if I were to walk outside of the building after the service and something were to happen in the parking lot involving a uses of force incident. Am I supposed to run to my car, open the trunk and get my gun out? What if a deranged person came into the church and began shooting like the incident in Colorado? He did not argue with me. We are good friends. I made it clear that I was not going to leave my gun in the car if I had my uniform on.
Yet, as soon as I was done talking with him, I found myself not wanting to be there. Suddenly the usual comments from people, “I didn’t do it,” or the pastor commenting that he was glad we had armed security today, grated on my nerves. I found myself being selfish over the selfishness of others. I was irate that one person or a handful of people are so uncomfortable with guns that they would ask a cop not to enter worship in uniform. What if I was not a member of this church, but was a visitor wanting to worship before or during work? I also got to thinking that I could wear a gun every Sunday completely concealed and no one would know anything. Would that make it any different?
I found my wife and asked her to accompany me to the narthex. I told her what I’d been told about wearing my gun in the building. I told her that I no longer wanted to remain for the service. I know she has been concerned for me lately because we’ve spoken about it. I came home and sat down and completed my letter of resignation from the deacon board which I had been putting off. Then, I got this written down.
Part of me is furious, yet I know I can’t blame others for they know not what they do. And then, I find it totally amazing how one or two people having their comfort challenged can drive others away from the church. I’ve written in the past about my friends dad who won’t return to the church because he was asked by an older woman to remove his hat when he came in to the building. This man never takes his hat off. He is oblivious to the cultural expectation of hat removal in buildings. Yet, to make themselves more comfortable some will insist that he adhere to their expectations. In my case, my safety as well as the safety of each and every person in the building is at stake. Wearing the uniform makes me a target for the bad guy and raises levels of expectations of me should a deranged person or trouble maker cause problems in the building. Even if I don’t wear the uniform, if something were to happen at church and people in the church know that I’m a cop, they expect me to take action. Now, however, they want me to remove the tools which allow me to do my job.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/27/2008 5:28:40 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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September 27, 2008
Figured I’d better get something written to keep this blog active. I began to write a post a few days ago, but it seemed to be wandering all over the place. So, it never got completed.
I found myself wanting to write about parenting and how some parents seem to exasperate their children. My kids, sometimes, think I am the meanest parent on the planet. Yet, I know that they know they have it pretty good. My kids call me a stalker because I monitor their internet use, check their social networking pages and assert myself in all aspects of their lives. While they complain, I know they appreciate it deep down.
A couple weeks ago I responded to a call of an out of control teenager. The mother said that she tried to wake the kid for school, he wouldn’t get up. She said he didn’t move, she thought he was dead. Then, after she awoke the beast, he began yelling, screaming and throwing things. He threatened to kill her. This scared her as she felt he meant what he said.
The kid ran off, mom called the dad and the dad arrived as I did. The dad said that the boy had been staying out late, sleeping in, was missing school and making a lot of bad choices. The dad wanted me to arrest the kid and said that the kid needed to be shipped off to some sort of boot camp program. I asked the dad if he suspected drug use or, if he had bothered to search the kids room. He said that he did suspect use and that he did find a piece of burnt tinfoil in the kids room. To me, this is a clue that says drugs are a factor, but what type of drugs?
A couple hours later I find the kid. I bring him to the station and begin to talk with him. He tells me that his father won’t listen to him. That he tries to talk with his dad about the things going on in his life, but the father keeps telling him he’s a failure, that he’s worthless. I reassure him, that as a father, the man is doing the best he knows how and that he has to find a way within himself to approach his parents differently. I ask him about drug use. He admits he’s been smoking marijuana and gives up the dope he has on him. In all, I’m impressed that he’s a good kid who admits he is making some bad decisions and that he does need to find another way to interact with his folks.
His mom comes to the station and we discuss some of the issues the boy and I just spoke about. She divulges that she is aware of some of the things going on, but doesn’t tell dad because she knows did will react negatively. The boy and the mom leave with an understanding that they are going to try and work things out to bring peace and harmony to the home.
That night, another officer has contact with the kid. Alcohol is involved. It’s apparent that the kid has not learned lessons well and that the conversation at the station was nothing more than mere words. But, as the other officer is reporting the details of the contact to me, he speaks about the father. Each time the kid spoke, the father had to make some comment, some sort of dig into the boy letting the boy know what a disappointment he is. This other officer, whose not a Christian, was telling me how the father of the boy was exasperating the boy and how he could see why the kid was trying to escape.
I’ve been in the fix it business for too long when it comes to human relationships. I find myself wanting to go to this family and providing guidance to help address the issues. Yet, I know I can’t. In my profession, all I can do is respond when there is a crisis needing police intervention. I can befriend the family and talk, offer suggestions. And, I guess that’s the route I’m going to have to go. At least there’s never a dull day.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/26/2008 7:35:25 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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October 26, 2008
Wow, it’s been almost a month since I’ve written here. I’ve been spending a lot of time on the forums lately. Too much time. Mostly in the election 2008 folder.
I’ll be glad for this election to be over with. Yet, I fear that as soon as this presidential election concludes, the 2012 race will begin. The news media has nothing better to do when it comes to politics. Instead of simply reporting the news, they’ve gotten into creating news by their speculating and use of “experts” to fill the airwaves.
I’m still working part time for two police departments. I’m getting full time hours, but not the benefits. The job has been very interesting. It’s been busy lately too. It opens a whole new window to the world.
As a parent, I’ve written some things I’ve learned along the way about fathering, how important the role of a father is and such. I had a case in the past week where a dad called and asked me to intervene in the exchange of a child following court ordered visitation. The dad had a court order saying that on that specific date he was to have his daughter until a certain time. The mother showed up and wanted to take the daughter earlier. I asked the girl what she wanted. She said she wanted to remain with her dad until the designated time. She then began crying. I asked her if she was okay. She said she was upset because she hates to see her parents acting this way.
The sad thing is, for the moment this girl showed more maturity than her parents. Yet, they have taught her how to manipulate and scam to get what she wants. They have set things up so that she can play them against each other. They have taught her how to get what she wants by playing people’s emotions. Hopefully, she will not play this out in her life. But, all too often it seems, history repeats itself.
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/23/2008 1:50:13 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1668
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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November 23, 2008
Last night I observed something in a parental relationship that made me realize I am truly blessed to have the kids I do. A parent called the police to report that her son was at an alcohol party with a bunch of kids in a neighboring town. I gave the report to a deputy and they went to investigate.
The party was busted and a couple of young girls were brought to our office to contact parents. These girls were from another state. It took several hours for the father of one girl to show up to pick up both. During the wait, the girls were cooperative with us. They had lots of questions and engaged in a lot of small talk during the wait.
The girls whose father was coming to our location said that she remembered one of the deputies as he had given her a minor consuming ticket last summer. The deputy indicated he remembered her, that she was very rude to him and others during their previous contact. For most of the wait, the girl remained fairly polite. She happened to have been sober when picked up at this party.
Dad arrived and was rather decent about having to have driven several hours to come get his daughter. He said to her that she had been told that she was not to be going to functions where alcohol was involved. Her tone took a dramatic turn. As I watched how she interacted with her dad, I was struck that if I had been the parent in this situation, I would have been going to jail for assault or abuse. I would not have tolerated what this dad did. And, I’m the softy in our house.
I also had a chance to speak with the mother who called us. Her son had run from the party and called her for a ride home. He was intoxicated too. She told me that he had some friends over and that some other friends showed up. She told him that he could not have all these friends over. He, essentially, told her where to go and then left the house with his friends. She told me that he has threatened suicide in the past, and that every time things are not going his way, he threatens to kill himself. I found myself thinking that this kid is holding his family hostage to his emotions. When he doesn’t get what he wants, he threatens self harm.
I had a chance to talk with this kid. This is not the first time we’ve spoken. In many ways, he reminds me of myself at his age. He has no direction in life. All he wants to do is party, get high and drink. In talking with him about other interests, he has none. He was able to list a few things he likes to do, but they take a back seat to his desire to get wasted.
So, how do we get kids like this to find purpose and direction in life? How do we convey respect to them so that they do not treat their parents the way I saw these kids treat their own parents? It scares me to see the result of my generations parenting. I see too many homes where the kids rule and the parents pay. Are we doomed?
_____________________________
“A dead thing goes with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
G.K. Chesterton
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