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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/12/2009 12:48:12 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1451
Joined: 3/13/2009
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She needs to start taking responsibility for herself. She askes you to stay at home and then shouts at you for not working? She has BIG problems. You need to get some help from church. She needs an older women to tell her what she needs to do to look after her baby and husband. She sounds very very lazy and very very selfish. I am sorry that you are married to her and to be honest I cant understand why you DID marry someone like that.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/13/2009 1:35:54 PM
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Redjasper
Posts: 340
Status: offline
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Your wife needs professional help, seems that your wife has a serious mental illness. Emotional scars, unfinished business with past issues plus raging hormones cause enormous turmoil, ruin relationships and promote selfishness. People having that combination are often in denial. I would approach this issue from ALL the medical and counseling side and church family. Asap.
< Message edited by Redjasper -- 11/14/2009 5:12:28 PM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/14/2009 2:18:25 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 238
Joined: 9/4/2009
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Ngale~
Everyone here has give you wise advice, yet I noticed in some of your reponses you are overlooking and are maybe in denial yourself about your wife's mental status.
Why do you believe you deserve such abusive treatment? As our Lord told Job in the book of Job Stand up and gird yourself like a man
It is time for you to stop being passive in your situation and start being the man,husband, and father God intended you to be.
By allowing your wife to continue in her behavior is not love. Love is not always warm fuzzies and eventually everything will work out.
The only thing I am going to add is this:
While your wife gets counselling which needs to be mandatory, put your child in day care while you work.
We all have some sort of issues and it is time for your wife to grow up and deal with her issues in an appropriate manner.
I deal with my anger issues as well as my depression caused by my thyroid, among other things, but in NO HOW take it out on my husband or child.
I do not ask my husband who btw works two jobs to stay home so I can lay around. Nor do I lay a hand on them #1 I respect my husband and #2 I love them.
You both need to stop relying on parents and if you are recently low income there are resources in which the government will help with daycare expenses. If not find a reliable person who is willing to watch the child at an affordable price.
Stop believing this is a curse from God and start manning up and finding a solution. You are allowing your wife to beat you down like an animal and you need to stop it brother. You, yourself sound very broken over this situation, but the main problem is allowing it to continue.
For every problem there is a solution. You just have to be willing to follow through and God will bless you for doing the *right thing.
Sometimes a peacemaker needs to make war to find the peace (Charles Stanley)
Take all this sage advice given to you by the posters and make a nice, peaceful life for your child, who is depending on you, your care, and your love and support.
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/15/2009 1:47:35 PM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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Thank you for your attention.
The day before yesterday my wife was peaceful in the morning. Later she called me and told to buy 'Pampers Active Baby'. I said, there's no possibility, because we have nothing to pay for electricity and phone, and some more debts, so let's use diapers as many other people do. She said, then I'm supposed to stay at home and wash.
A few minutes later she recalled and told she had got a heart ache and feels giddy because of my words. And if I don't want the child to be alone and scared, I must come immediately. I just made one significant report and left for home at 12:00. Then I nursed till the next afternoon. My wife felt better.
Yesterday evening I tried to work with not a big success. It's a very stupid chain of reasons:
- I've lost good weather staying at home all the last days off)
- finally it's snowing,
- I have to be at the outskirts where the streets are not cleaned up,
- I don't have winter tyres for my car,
- and of course, I glitched.
But these days are the most last possible to complete the work for the customer. And I'm going to drive there again.
Yesterday we arranged preliminary, that if I have power for getting up early, I go first for work, and then come in the afternoon to have a walk together, then leave again. Otherwise we get up, have a walk, then I leave till night. We did home things, then had had supper and went to bed.
In the morning, I got up, dealt with the daughter much because my wife slept, then tried to wake up the wife. She said '10 minutes'. I waited for ten, then for forty minutes, then dressed up and said I'm leaving. Ufortunately, the same problem came with the snow, and I lost a lot of time. That moment was about 11:30 and I understood that there's no reason just to go for work and come back soon. I called my wife and proposed that we have a walk first, as one of the possible ways. She asked: "Should I prepare for that?". I answered: "Yes, and should I go for shopping meanwhile or we may go together?". She said: "Get up home, let's go together".
Everything was going good. But when I entered the flat, I heard her exclamations: "What a fool! Why should I be in hurry? You decide as it is comfortable for yourself, but must everyone follow you?" - and so on. I was not enough patient (because the work is failing, this can not make me glad), and asked: "Then why didn't I go for shopping so that you had time to do what you need?" But... word by word, she hit me, and then I said: "I'm going to call medical service, because you need that help, and the baby is in danger". And I really called to ambulance, and asked what to do, and whether they have a psychologist.
Formerly first time she did like that, trying to call police. And sometimes we did so when quarreling, but never the last digit was dialed. Today is the first time I have done it. After that she said: "You are a betrayer, don't even come up to the daughter. She has no father"
I never told my problems to anybody, for the last 6 years this is the first time I write over the issue on forum. The proper way for a real husband is to manage himself, not involving the third party. But... obviously, I'm not that one.
===============
herestoresmysoul wrote:
quote:
She needs an older women to tell her what she needs to do to look after her baby and husband.
That's impossible to make an older woman see my wife at all. She won't come anywhere, and won't let anybody come our home.
quote:
She sounds very very lazy and very very selfish.
Selfish - yes, although she thinks differently. Lazy? She just likes sleeping late morning, and so do I, but I don't have a possibility. She performs all the home affairs quite meticulously. She never leaves a duster as it is, she certainly washes it with detergent and hangs it in a proper place in a good-looking way. She never leaves a cup on the table after drinking water. The cup should be washed after any use, and washed properly, not just rinsed. The baby is fed by schedule, with a little shift, if needed, and with all kinds of food the child has to get.
quote:
I cant understand why you DID marry someone like that.
When I faced the problem at first time, I was shocked and didn't understand what is that. I could not imagine this is a permanent problem. And it was late to change, I loved her.
bolt. wrote:
quote:
Stop mentioning your mother as a helper.
That's right. And for 2 years, I didn't. But she mentioned by every bad situation, and I asked: "Where is my mother, is she here under the table, or under the sofa, that you speak about her?"
Redjasper wrote:
quote:
Your wife needs professional help, seems that your wife has a serious mental illness.
I could not accept this for years, but now it's difficult to disbelieve. What and how to do, I don't know. Today she's embraced the daughter firmly, and does not allow me to touch. She speaks to the baby, that there are some scoundrels, but you, my dear daughter, look at them and learn what you must not ever do.
< Message edited by Ngale -- 11/15/2009 1:55:14 PM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/15/2009 4:33:14 PM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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I have come home.
Writing while she's bathing. She told me, that only homosexualists can do like I did, ie calling to somewhere to complain about a wife. She said, she will call her previous bf (drug addict) and as he promised to protect her, he will come to revenge me.
She said me not to touch the daughter, which is not mine, and not to touch the sofa, but sleep on the floor like a dog. She said I'm a member of the destructive sect. She said she's going to do all possible to imprison me, and further all possible for prisoners make me a homosexualists.
3cappuccinosmom,
social services in RF used to protect women, it's a sensation, if a man. Very difficult to prove.
The ambulance I called was emergency service, they told to go to the nearest polyclinic, to a psychologist.
The baby hears everything, smiles when we speak, and gets scared when shouting. Terrible! I don't have a place to live separately, this must be done, I see.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/16/2009 2:07:35 AM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Who can you go to for help? You need to find someone.
No idea. Since we moved each of us lost old friends. Formerly I was able to make friends easily, but now it's impossible. When I was a scoolboy till I became an adult I always brought people home, that was normal without any question.
But now, a brother from the church we went before called me regarding his computer which I got to check. In the evening I told my wife that he called and sent regards from him and his wife. Then it goes like that:
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm telling now"
"But why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"When? Just coming up to the flat yet being outdoors?"
"Don't try to be more clever than you are"
... so on.
And I must replay all the words told during conversation exactly. What he said, how he said, what he meant by that. 'She' is much worse. I avoid communicating with my female collegues. If my wife asks me about someone, let's say - where she was born - then I'm supposed to explain where I know this from.
That family from the church with whom we met a few times for 5 years, is not suitable for my wife as friends because they don't behave like she thinks it must be.
And, of course, I cant talk to them over my troubles because I must tell truth to my wife. The only thing I afford is writing on this forum.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/16/2009 2:18:25 AM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
You need to get help fast brother or they may save a room for you
She promised to work this direction, at least.
Taking legal measures will cause participation of her relatives, and I'm alone. I cannot spend time for that. Nobody is going to feed me. And the procedures are costly, too.
And this will break her trust forever. She never forgets. By her opinion, I have lots of faults like the last call to ambulance. This is really the last point, she said. "I forgive you many times, no way now". Imagine, that was just a phone call for almost regular advice. What will happen, if social service, or lawyer, or police come into the picture?
< Message edited by Ngale -- 11/16/2009 2:26:35 AM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/16/2009 6:28:12 PM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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Thank everyone. You have done your best.
No one of you was wrong, but not everything is suitable in my situation.
Anyway, I've got support and let the steam out. I tried two of your advices, not much successful, but the result may come in future.
The best advice which has been given a number of times, is to go to church. That's a really difficult step but the most proper one. No psychologist can find out, let them cure themselves.
The best behaviour line mentioned here, was to be calm. That's what I promise myself to do and every time fail. I regret I lost my temper at the first time so far and don't resist sinning.
I know that there is no problem for God, and only I'm doing wrong. A wise unbeliever can arrange things with various kinds of wife's nature. A Christian must do it with ANY wife he has married.
It would be too boring going on with the details of my story, and it would take no effect.
Thank you again.
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What did the ambulance/hospital tell you when you called them? Surely, surely in Russia there are some social services?? 
