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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/4/2009 12:37:50 PM
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Smythe
Posts: 9
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He does go to church three or four times a week and I thought at one time that he would be influenced by the men in church who love their wives but there is something that gets in the way.
I know his sin nature has a significant power over him. I just don't know how to conquer that power but by prayer. And then again, it may be a psychological condition that needs medication so coaxing him into going for an evaluation is going to be the plan and maybe removing myself to clear the air.
Things will work out.
Thank you for assisting me in this difficult situation with your prayers and advice.
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/11/2009 4:19:40 PM
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m4maggie
Posts: 1194
Joined: 12/11/2008
From: I... AM...CANADIAN!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
I would still be out of the house if he'd spat in my face... or he would have to be out of the house.
We'd have to do a year of counseling- spiritual, anger management/conflict resolution... before attempting to get back together.
You're a better person than I am.. If my husband dared to spit in my face, it'd have been met with a backhanded slap right across the face. (I have a temper too and unfortunately, I wouldn't hold back.. it would be an instant reaction) then a boot out the door. Married or not, a partnership is that.. an equal opportunity arrangement.. And if he sees it fit to keep it together for church and work etc but not for you, then there is a major respect problem in this marriage.
I'm sorry to read about this ongoing problem. However, putting up with mantrums like you have, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Is it right? not necessarily, but you do have every right to be treated better than you are. If he's not willing to do this, then I agree.. you may have to separate.. Leave the divorce filing on his plate.. But let him know.. you're done with his garbage and you mean business! Temper tantrums aren't cute when you're a toddler and they are definitely not cute when you're an adult!
< Message edited by m4maggie -- 11/11/2009 4:32:14 PM >
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" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/11/2009 7:23:45 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2209
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Smythe
He does tell me that he is able to control all of this at work and wherever he needs to control it but when he gets home I am the one who causes him to lose control...
Stop right here. This is the lie millions of abusive husbands use to keep their wives helpless to their violence: they say it's her fault. "She made me do it."
It's a lie.
You didn't put a gun to his head and threaten to shoot him if he didn't get abusive, but it was his choice to become abusive. He is manipulating you so he doesn't have to take responsibility for what he's doing that he knows is wrong. He's hurting you twice: once in hurting you with abuse and secondly in trying to make it sound like it's your fault.
quote:
he says he doesn't think I should receive that type of treatment but he can't help it. It's not rational at all so I don't know how to take it. I can only see it as malice and hostility which he'll deny but there is no other way to describe it.
We put vicious dogs in cages; it's illegal to leave them running loose when they already have a track record of attacking people. The owners go to jail for not controlling their known-vicious animal. If he can't help himself then you need protection from him. We don't put people in cages... well, I guess that's what jail is... but we put space between the vicious and the helpless.
quote:
Maybe I'm the person who is supposed to make things happen and I've been doing something wrong here. I'm afraid I am going to be judged for not making things right because he is not capable and I am the only person with any sanity so I'm responsible for this.
When one person refuses to act in a safe and honorable manner, it's up to the other person to get out of Dodge on their own steam. You can't make him right, but you can protect yourself. It's his choice to be this way, therefore his responsibility and his fault. Your job is to stay safe.
What he is doing is immoral and his choice and you're not responsible for it (unless he is totally mentally incompetent and then he needs to be institutionalized, and that's still not your fault).
"Do not murder," the sixth Commandment, also means don't let anyone murder you. It's the basis of our laws permitting self-defense in America.
It doesn't look like your life is in danger from where I sit, but abusive men who murder their wives don't suddenly become violent, but slowly build up to it. Little abuses become bigger abuses. If he is escalating, protect yourself and get out.
You haven't mentioned children (or I missed it) but you would be morally responsible to be the adult and get them out of an abusive situation. The laws are now holding that parents screaming is abuse and the other parent is required to protect them.
I watched my mother and brother endure this escalating violence as well as myself, and my father did attempt to murder my brother in front of all of us. The next day my mother said it never happened and the police were never called. My brother hates both his parents now (and he's older, so it's been many decades of hate) - my father for abusing him and my mother for never protecting him. That's his lack of responding to God's grace, but you can understand his feelings. If my mother had filed charges, dad would have gone to prison for attmepted murder of a minor and he might have decided it was worthwhile to control himself. Or might not have. My parents are both dead and had to face God the Righteous Judge over this.
God bless you, dear. Get counseling, stay in touch with your pastor, and don't let false guilt paralyze you. You can't make another person do anything they don't want to. (((HUgs)))
< Message edited by deermousie -- 11/11/2009 7:31:01 PM >
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/11/2009 9:57:07 PM
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georgerobbyjr
Posts: 37
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
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Having an anger problem is one thing, but abusing your spouse is quite another. If he is grabbing you and spitting on you that certainly constitutes abuse. He needs to get some help. Staying together and not being intimate will not make for much of a marriage. If he has been continually abusive you should separate. If the spitting was a one time affair years ago I'd say try to work things out. Something tells me it's an ongoing problem, and not one that you should tolerate.
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/12/2009 9:31:26 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2537
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
Love him? That's my problem. In such a disfunctional atmosphere, I am having a difficult time finding a different way to look at him.
I found that when my ex was treating me almost the same way you describe, that after awhile my prayer became...God, I cannot love him. I cannot do the "love is patient, love is kind, it does not keep record of wrong...etc". If that is what You need me to do You are going to have to do it thru me. THis was after 21 years of trying to keep this marriage sane. Please don't wait that long. In my case, it ended after a divorce and alot of calmly hanging up on him when he would try to rant at me over the phone. Over time he found out that I would no longer put up with his tantrums or make excuses for them. I didn't go telling everyone else about the way he treated me but I didn't cover for him anymore either. People knew some of what was going on but they didn't mention it because they really didn't know what to do to help.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
http://car2ner.imagekind.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/15/2009 10:37:08 PM
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fallenstar
Posts: 60
Joined: 11/29/2007
Status: offline
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If you are no longer in love with him, then you should get a divorce. There is no point in being married to someone if your heart is'nt in it.
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/16/2009 5:57:00 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2537
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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Alas, saying that you are "no longer in love" is too nebulous. The feeling of being in love ebbs and flows with the conditions we are living in. Just "not feeling in love" is not a reason for divorce.
Being treated cruely is a reason for seperation. Danger is a reason for divorce. Remarriage is handled in another thread but be careful of infatuation! Another man can seem like the answer to all your problems when life is hard.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
http://car2ner.imagekind.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Adult tantrums - 11/19/2009 2:13:06 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 104
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline
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My wife (sadly, soon to be ex-wife) had these "temper tantrums." For example we were waiting for a cab and it took a long time she got so upset that she threw her cell phone (expensive phone) on to the concrete.
These kinds of episodes would happen whenever she felt frustrated.
I didn't anything about Borderline Personality Disorder before I got married. I used to suspect that she was bi-polar but after reading other people's experiences with BPD her symptoms match that disorder better.
Typically, people with BPD suffered some childhood trauma that damaged their emotional development. They may be high functioning but they are unable to manage their emotions. They typically fly into irrational rages over relatively minor issues. They are known to hypersensitive. They tend to have a fear of abandonment. Some more extreme cases will self-mutilate (cut themseves or punch walls).
Also often many engage in reckless and impulsive acts like excessive shopping, gambling, drinking, promiscuity etc.
But from what I've learned usually someone who flies into a rage over small matters suffers from one of the "cluster b" personality disorders.
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