Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years?

Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (Full Version)

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Anon101 -> Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 8:29:19 AM)
I have to get the male perspective on this.... I had a five year relationship with a guy 12 years my senior back when I was 22. He was my first love, blah, blah, blah. I was not really serving the Lord at the time and so needless to say it was also an intimate relationship. After five years of being together we broke up. The break up was horrible and caused me to go into a deep, deep depression which he knew about, but now I've moved on. We are now both married. He married his wife three months after we broke up. I've been married two years and I have a son. Now after all that why would he email me wanting to 'catch up'? He saw me on Facebook and sent me a message. I know he is still married so why in the world...? I asked my girlfriends about this and they have no clue. I asked my husband about it and he just laughed. He didn't know or said he didn't know why an ex would do that especially given the fact that the relationship was a serious one. FYI...I told my husband about it because I didn't want to keep a secret from him, not to be mean. My husband didn't care. Just so we are clear [sm=angelhalo.gif]

MWD -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 8:40:47 AM)
1. Whose idea was it to break up? 2. Did the other person object, and if so, how strongly? 3. What loose ends were left hanging? (In other words, what was left unresolved?)

Anon101 -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 9:34:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MWD 1. Whose idea was it to break up? 2. Did the other person object, and if so, how strongly? 3. What loose ends were left hanging? (In other words, what was left unresolved?) 1. This was 11 years ago, I can't remember exactly who ended it because it was on/off again the last year. I do know that I was wanting Christ in my life and cut off the physical part of the relationship. That didn't go over too well, but I had to choose and I chose Christ. 2. It was pretty mutual I believe at the very end. I mean he started seeing someone else towards the end so I suspect it was mutual. Again, it was 11 years ago. 3. No loose ends that I can recall Does that help?

scubaman -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 10:04:55 AM)
Could be several things... He might just be curious about how you are doing. He cared for you at one time and probably still has some sense of caring for you and would like to know how you are doing. (I know I wonder about how my ex girlfriends are doing even though I don't want to get back with them). I think it is dumb, and potentially dangerous emotionally to contact an old girlfriend but it might just be curiousity. Or it might be that he is hoping to rekindle something with you. Given his age, I'm thinking he might be having a mid-life crisis and we guys can do some dumb things in one of those. Chasing younger women is one of them. Can't really tell for sure. You did the right thing by keeping hubby in the loop. You don't have to communicate with the guy but if you do you will probably find out pretty soon whether it is innocent communication or not.

Anon101 -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 10:32:51 AM)
His wife is two years younger than me. I thought I was his mid-life crisis. LOL! It was so out of the blue and then to reminisce in the email??? My husband said he thought the email was benign, but my gut tells me not so much. I didn't want to respond to the email, but my husband asked me to so I had him write the email basically. The whole thing is odd to me. My girlfriends say it must be a guy thing, so that is why I'm on "He says" asking about this.

APZR -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 10:40:22 AM)
I have just never seen nor think anything good when an old MARRIED ex calls, emails, etc. He read your face book, he knows how you are doing. He's married, so trying to resurrect a friendship with an old ex is not wise... I'm sure he wouldn't like it if his wife did the same. It could be simple curiosity, but I doubt it. He probably wants to re-live past experiences in his mind. At worst, he wants to actually re-live past experiences. I'd say ignore him and put a block on your facebook. If you so feel the need, you can send ONE email back... I'm fine, happily married, and not interested in further contact. God bless, have a good life.

scubaman -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 5:12:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777 His wife is two years younger than me. Any guy who consistently goes after women who are signficantly younger than him (like more than 5 years or so) is insecure and/or egotistical. So, that tells me he is messed up and probably looking for something from you that he shouldn't be.

jhuperetes -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 7:47:50 PM)
Earth to Lorilynn777! Calling Lorilynn777! ... Uhmmm... When do men, in general, have correct gut feelings about emotions? Stay away from that man *like a plague! quote:* ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777 His wife is two years younger than me. I thought I was his mid-life crisis. LOL! It was so out of the blue and then to reminisce in the email??? My husband said he thought the email was benign, but my gut tells me not so much. I didn't want to respond to the email, but my husband asked me to so I had him write the email basically. The whole thing is odd to me. My girlfriends say it must be a guy thing, so that is why I'm on "He says" asking about this.

jhuperetes -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 8:01:06 PM)
Eh? So... a 65 year old man who "goes after" a 56 year old woman is insecure or egotistical?[;)] How about if the percentage of the age of the man relative to the age of the woman is too great? That I can handle. Say, roughly 75% of the man's age after 24 is reasonable? That puts the woman at 18, which is already 6 years, and by at the age of 70, at the sizable 17 years. Yet, I have seen quite a few 70 year old men with "young" 53-ish ladies. Of course, this could be tweaked, but I think it is reasonable... And, we haven't even considered about the other direction, when the woman is older than the man! [:)] quote: ORIGINAL: mrtigger quote: ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777 His wife is two years younger than me. Any guy who consistently goes after women who are signficantly younger than him (like more than 5 years or so) is insecure and/or egotistical. So, that tells me he is messed up and probably looking for something from you that he shouldn't be.

scubaman -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 9:12:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jhuperetes Eh? So... a 65 year old man who "goes after" a 56 year old woman is insecure or egotistical?[;)] How about if the percentage of the age of the man relative to the age of the woman is too great? That I can handle. Say, roughly 75% of the man's age after 24 is reasonable? That puts the woman at 18, which is already 6 years, and by at the age of 70, at the sizable 17 years. Yet, I have seen quite a few 70 year old men with "young" 53-ish ladies. Of course, this could be tweaked, but I think it is reasonable... And, we haven't even considered about the other direction, when the woman is older than the man! [:)] quote: ORIGINAL: mrtigger quote: ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777 His wife is two years younger than me. Any guy who consistently goes after women who are signficantly younger than him (like more than 5 years or so) is insecure and/or egotistical. So, that tells me he is messed up and probably looking for something from you that he shouldn't be. You are right in that big age differences becomes less weird as they get older. But this ex boyfriend of the OP was a younger guy and going after women 12 & 14 years younger than himself. And that is an indicator of a screwed up person. In general guys who are fixated on women significantly younger than themselves have ego/insecurity problems. Fixated being the key term there.

jhuperetes -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 9:41:22 PM)
Got it. equation ok. Fixation bad. [;)]

Anon101 -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 10:05:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jhuperetes Earth to Lorilynn777! Calling Lorilynn777! ... Uhmmm... When do men, in general, have correct gut feelings about emotions? I'm here! I'm here! [sm=wave.gif] Was that a rhetorical question? BTW, I am going to stay away. I just found it odd and was bothered by it. Then I was wondering if I was bothered for no reason and reading way too much into it because my gut was telling my ex was having an 11 year itch of some kind and contacting me to see if I was availableto scratch it. [sm=shakinghead.gif] But then my husband said it was no big deal and told me to email him back. My husband is not real experienced in romantic relationships (I was his first and God-willing last relationship he'll ever have) and I thought I'm ask some men if I was right or my husband. We females have no clue how you guys think. LOL! So I came to the experts.

SamsonUSA -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (10/31/2009 11:28:58 PM)
quote: BTW, I am going to stay away. I just found it odd and was bothered by it. Then I was wondering if I was bothered for no reason and reading way too much into it because my gut was telling my ex was having an 11 year itch of some kind and contacting me to see if I was availableto scratch it. I wouldn't hold to any type of 11 year itch theory. And I doubt he was looking for just anyone to scratch whatever ails him. He is a little older. Since he is married and wishes to "catch up" with you it doesn't appear he is any wiser. Perhaps his relational issues and shortcomings have reared their ugly head again. But this time it is his poor wife that is taking the brunt of them. I wonder how his wife would feel about her husband looking to "catch up" with someone he once was in a sexual relationship with. Stay far, far, away.

leftwing -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/1/2009 7:12:36 AM)
It may be a nostalgic thing but if I was a betting man, I'd say he wants to have a fling. Dis him and go on. Tell him you are not interested and inform him you do not want to hear from him anymore and go your way. If he attemps to contact you again, report him to the police.[&:]

jn1010lf -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/1/2009 9:34:51 PM)
Hello Lorilynn777 There are a thousand reasons why a guy contacts an old flame after 11 years. But my advice to you is do not pick up on it. Tell him you are happily married and have no desire whatsoever of getting any conversation on with him. If that doesn't work, you might ask your husband to respond to him. If that doesn't work, ban him from you part of face book. If you can't do that and he persists, I might even get radical and drop face book. Now I fully realize that even many of my Christian friends would take issue with my views on face book. I was on it for a while but found that I spent too much time on it. You see, I am a writer. I believe I've been told of God go write for Him. So my time must be give to Him for that cause. Not everyone is the same, of course. But really what I'm trying to say is to nip this old flame in the bud immediately. Don't worry why he's contacting you.

rockominal -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/2/2009 3:26:48 AM)
I don't know what Facebook is but I guess it's another community type of board, sort of like this or any other. If he wants to catch up, I would imagine that he could just read what you already have on your blog, if that's what facebook has. You know, here's what I'm doing, don't have much time to do other things I wanna do, here's a couple pictures that you can see like everybody else that happens to get on this thing can see, and I hope the weather is fine. Kids are fine. Stay tuned for further updates, etc. I don't see where he could possibly go with this.

stamper_ben -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/2/2009 10:11:05 AM)
During some rocky times in my marriage I have had the urge to look up old romantic flames from my past. (I didn't.) Based on that I'd tell you to not respond to the guy in any way, unless he persists, then have your husband let him know in uncertain terms to take a hike.

Enoch195 -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/4/2009 11:48:56 AM)
The feelings for an ex sometimes don't go away for quite some time... so maybe he wonders what if he was still with you instead of the wife he is with...

Anon101 -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/4/2009 8:17:22 PM)
It is difficult to hear from an ex during times of marital difficulty. I responded like my husband told me to but I let him write the response. It was the wrong time to contact me due to my current situation. It just stirred up things inside me that I didn't want to acknowledge and then have rebury -- again. I wouldn't doubt that it was a ploy of satan. I don't know how many of you believe in Satan. I do. I personally thinks he sits and waits to tempt us during our weakest points. I DID get my husband involved and had him tell me what he would like me to do. We (husband and I) let me ex know that I've moved on and have a family now, but thanks for checking in. I ended the response in a way that my ex knows I'm not interested in hearing from him again. One of those, best wishes and hope you have a blessed future type of ending.

deermousie -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/14/2009 11:42:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LovemyAdonai I don't know how many of you believe in Satan. I do. I personally thinks he sits and waits to tempt us during our weakest points. The Bible talks about Satan, and the Bible is true. He used to be the top angel, before he fell (pride) and took a third of the angels with him. That means there are now twice as many angels as demons. [:)] James 4:7 says if we resist the devil, he has to flee. Yay! There are three things that trip us up: Satan, a godless world system, and our sin nature. My reference books are next to my sleeping husband so I'll have to give you the verse later, or someone else can. Edit: we war against the devil Eph. 6:12 we war against the world Col. 2:20 we war against our flesh Gal. 5:17 quote: I DID get my husband involved and had him tell me what he would like me to do. We (husband and I) let me ex know that I've moved on and have a family now, but thanks for checking in. I ended the response in a way that my ex knows I'm not interested in hearing from him again. One of those, best wishes and hope you have a blessed future type of ending. Wow, this was an ideal response. Gracious, you and your husband united, but a closing door that won't reopen. Bravo, to your and your husband! That's a 10!

John_O -> RE: Why would an ex-boyfriend contact me after 11 years? (11/17/2009 4:21:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jhuperetes Eh? So... a 65 year old man who "goes after" a 56 year old woman is insecure or egotistical?[;)] How about if the percentage of the age of the man relative to the age of the woman is too great? That I can handle. Say, roughly 75% of the man's age after 24 is reasonable? That puts the woman at 18, which is already 6 years, and by at the age of 70, at the sizable 17 years. Yet, I have seen quite a few 70 year old men with "young" 53-ish ladies. The standard lower limit is half your age plus 7 years. A man who wants a younger woman is certainly not insecure. After all it takes a bunch of confidence to win against guys who are most likely younger and in better shape than you are. It's also not egotistical (unless he's dating college girl models or something). I prefer younger women mostly for the fact that I'd still like to have more children. Women my age are mostly out of safe childbearing years. On to the topic at hand. This guy is almost certainly having troubles in his marriage and is seeking to reconnect with someone he was good with. Avoid him. He's trying to commit emotional adultery against his wife,a nd trying to drag you into it with him

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