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what goes through your mind when looking at other women - 10/1/2009 10:01:58 AM
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faithshaf
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/1/2009
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I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)
My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.
i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??
Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??
i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/1/2009 10:28:56 AM
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SavedByGraceMD
Posts: 1263
Joined: 2/13/2008
From: the poconos
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: faithshaf
I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)
My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.
i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??
Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??
i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)
Hello faith, to answer your query here, I would say that yes it is possible for a man to look at a woman and not have more than a simple thought. Just noticing, like you said. That would then raise the question of "why even look then?" We just do. Nature, I guess.
At this point in your relationship, after 11 years of marriage, I would take him at his word. If he has shown trustworthy, then why question him, and drive yourself crazy wondering at the same time?
I would be happy that he is not one of those guys that will stare through a woman, while the 2 of you are sitting out having lunch. If he just looks, don't worry. If the looks turn to ogling, and the eyes start to glaze over, then I would worry.
Hope that helps.
_____________________________
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed for I am your God,
I will strengthen you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
http://followtheleader-mat1624.blogspot.com/
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/2/2009 11:39:58 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I agree with the previous two posters....
We can notice a woman, and even notice that she is attractive, without it being lustful.
I think your hubby is being straight with you.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/2/2009 12:50:05 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3811
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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Every man is different. Some can look and it be "nothing." Another guy can take the exact same look and already be having a full blown affair in his mind.
So what is going on in your husband's mind? It is impossible to know. Only he and the Lord know for sure.
Oh - I noticed this was your first post here. Welcome to the forums!
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/2/2009 2:51:49 PM
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_Don_
Posts: 105
Joined: 5/13/2007
From: Close enough to the mountains.
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Good grief, you truly do have a blessed life and marriage if your only problem is your unhealthy thoughts about what your husband ISN'T thinking. If he says he is thinking nothing about other women then trust him. That is entirely possible and reasonable. Why should he need or want or want to think about more when he has you? If you drive him crazy because you are driven crazy about your irrational thoughts about what he's NOT thinking he might end up wanting to find another woman that isn't driven crazy about his NOT thinking about other women. Just my 2 cents...
_____________________________
quote:
ORIGINAL: Fry
I can't wait 'till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/4/2009 10:52:50 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7808
Joined: 9/5/2006
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From what I have heard it is almost impossible for a women to be thinking "nothing". I've had conversations about this with amny women and they always seem to have some train of thought going through their minds at all times. A veritable Union station of thought.
Men on the otherhand are very capable of actually thinking nothing. We can be zoned out and have our minds an alomst total blank, running on autopilot as it were.
This seesm to be a very hard concept for women to grasp. (as they usually can't do it).
Men look at people (women mostly I'll admit) force of habit or even nature for most of us. You tell us that he doesn't linger. So he really is telling the truth. He notices but thinks nothing.
(After all, he's got a sweet young thing of his own that loves him and looks good. He already has everything a man could want. Why waste thought on something else?)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/5/2009 10:51:03 AM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 490
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Hello faithshaf
The first thing a woman needs to know about men is that we are visualy oriented. We can spot, without deliberately planning to, scope out every woman we see. It's just natural for us. Now the issue, for us guys is, do we let those image smolder in our mind or dismiss them. Wise men learn to do the latter.
Another difference is that guy simply do not vent every thought they have as women are prone to do. While they keep no secrets, they tend to have fewer uclers that we an do.
That doens't mean that a man should not be open with their wives. Yet, we guys need our thoughts and imaginations. So, one needs to strike a ballance on this.
Guys have the right to be guys but faithful to their wives at the same time. Make sense?
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/19/2009 12:21:41 PM
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faithshaf
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/1/2009
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I cannot thank you all for taking the time for respond to my post, especially with me being new to the forums.
My husband and I had a wonderful long discussion yesterday about this topic again...
I think after reading my own post in black and white and then reading all your responses was so very helpful for me. I have realized that I was thinking about women more than he was -- I know that we women tend to analyze everything and men don't have the same thought process.
I need to accept the fact that he can think she is beautiful period and that there aren't all these analytical thoughts in his mind.
He is truly a wonderful man and I was not being fair in how I was prejudging him and his reactions.
The way in which our society portrays women and how men are "supposed" to react and how often it is in our faces is not going to go away, but I can control my reactions and how I am going to deal with this in the future.
Thank you all so much for you time and thoughts.
God Bless!
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/26/2009 3:56:04 PM
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rockominal
Posts: 664
Joined: 8/15/2007
From: Indiana
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I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if you have to be a little realistic with this stuff. Let's take a look at that liberal TV show Oprah Winfrey, shall we? You have somebody like the Lorenzo lamas guy or music stars come on like Rick Springfield or something. (I had to look that one up on the internet) http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/springfield_rick/2178723/album.jhtml?cid=YSSP
You see these chicks practically in tears and such and after awhile you would think there would be some jealousy, and indeed there is, but it's simply time to say, "wait!" This is simply what women do. If they didn't, then there would be something missing and not quite right, to say the least. In terms of this question, I think you just need to see the big picture. Are these chicks not attracted to their husbands/boyfriends? This topic reminds me of a movie I saw on the movie channel the other nite called Cat_on_a_Hot_Tin_Roof. I guess that no man watching this movie would be affected by Elizabeth Taylor's character.  I'm also sure that no woman in the world would be interested in looking like Elizabeth Taylor in lieu of the billion dollar modeling industry. Sometimes I think you gotta kinda keep at least one foot on the ground in regards to this issue.
_____________________________
I might tell you the truth, or something pretty close to it. Jesus says, "I Am the Truth."
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/26/2009 4:48:51 PM
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McFatty
Posts: 879
Joined: 12/8/2007
From: Augusta, GA
Status: offline
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I like watching people. Of course, I notice the beauty in women more than I do in men, but that's normal I think. However, if I go to an art museum and see a beautiful painting, I'm going to admire it and go on my way... I'm not going to try and grab it off the wall!
_____________________________
"O LORD, You have pleaded my soul's cause; You have redeemed my life." - Lamentations 3:58
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 10/26/2009 8:04:24 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8025
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
However, if I go to an art museum and see a beautiful painting, I'm going to admire it and go on my way... I'm not going to try and grab it off the wall! Unless of course it's a Picasso.... 
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 11/2/2009 12:59:21 PM
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gratefulman
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/2/2009
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I have to agree with most the comments already made. There is one thing I would like to add. There have been times when I have had lustful thoughts. But through God's grace an understanding, He has given me the ability to recognize this (something I have never felt before) and allows me to quickly repent and ask for forgiveness. I understand this is one of my shortcomings, but I believe we are all on a journey to be more Christ-like and I am truly embracing the journey.
God Bless
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 11/4/2009 11:53:26 AM
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Enoch195
Posts: 102
Joined: 12/5/2006
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline
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Well if a guy can see, he will notice another woman. I think that is how God
created us. But he does have a choice on...
- how long he looks at the woman
- whether he takes a second look at her
Maybe just a thought... perhaps you have trust issues... especially when it comes to trusting God.
We can't control what other people do so leave it up to God and ask Him for wisdom
on releasing this burden.
_____________________________
Don't be sappy.. be happy.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 11/18/2009 11:29:23 AM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 462
Joined: 1/28/2009
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I'd like to add that I think ALL women can benefit from developing masculine dialogging habits, especially if they want their husband to be transparent with them. Women say they want an honest man, but that's not true at all in some areas. What they mean is they want the man to honestly ignore every flaw and lavish unmitigated praise on every move they make, or at least mince every drop of criticism with a bucket of acceptance. How can a relationship like that grow? Men can take a look at a buddy before going out, and, if this is the case, say "man, you look like death on toast dude," and it will get the guy on the straight and narrow. You'd have to buy a woman a $50 arrangement of flowers, a box of candy, a Lexus, and a 3 day weekend at a bed and breakfast to even manage an "Um, dear, before we go maybe you should, um, you know, um... your hair looks, oh never mind, I love you, let's go to dinner."
This behavior retards genuine relationship. Thin skin is the biggest reason why good Christian men aren't as transparent with their wives as their wives want, and they desperately want to be. If you want to be one with a man, you have to learn how to take it like one, including honestly fessing up to your inadequacies, without any excuses or emotional table-turning, and growing out of discussions about moods, appearance, habits, etc, rather than throwing a pity party. Ask yourself: the next time my husband seems evasive, is it because of something I'm doing that makes him not want to go forward? Men hate it when their wives are mad, and will do a lot to keep you smiling. Even hide the way they feel.
My guess is that your husband adores you, flat out. There's a very small chance that there's something else going on. Maybe he wants you to try a new style of clothing he's really liked but doesn't want to sleep on the couch in order to alert you to it. Maybe he wants you to cut your hair a bit differently. Something this minor could do the trick, and you have to be big enough to listen to it. However, to answer your question, yes, we absolutely can look at a woman without lust. Can you look at a car accident without lust? Really beautiful people are rare, abnormal, and interesting. They catch the eye. Your husband sounds like a good guy, so he's probably being straight with you. The only way it seems he wouldn't be in the case of such a strong marriage is if there's some behavior in yourself that's preventing him from speaking up.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 11/18/2009 3:26:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7808
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ross.Lang
I'd like to add that I think ALL women can benefit from developing masculine dialogging habits, especially if they want their husband to be transparent with them. Women say they want an honest man, but that's not true at all in some areas. What they mean is they want the man to honestly ignore every flaw and lavish unmitigated praise on every move they make, or at least mince every drop of criticism with a bucket of acceptance. How can a relationship like that grow? Men can take a look at a buddy before going out, and, if this is the case, say "man, you look like death on toast dude," and it will get the guy on the straight and narrow. You'd have to buy a woman a $50 arrangement of flowers, a box of candy, a Lexus, and a 3 day weekend at a bed and breakfast to even manage an "Um, dear, before we go maybe you should, um, you know, um... your hair looks, oh never mind, I love you, let's go to dinner."
Hey Ross, can I add to this?
Ladies, there is no insult or any negative connotation to such a statement. It says nothing about how he values you as a person, or how he thinks about you or how he is madly in love with you. It says he deosn't like your hair styled that way. Don't read more into what he says than what he says.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: what goes through your mind when looking at other w... - 11/18/2009 5:25:44 PM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 462
Joined: 1/28/2009
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Right. Absolutely right. Men are all about economy of words. Every man knows some guy who is a total loser. We'll never say, "man, you just acted like a loser" to this guy, because it's his default mode. Same way with our fat friends, our lazy friends, etc. If it's their default behavior, we don't say anything.
This is important, because anytime we criticize something about a woman, and women think we mean that they are defined by this characteristic (ex: you don't look good in those clothes=you're ugly). No. If you were ugly, 1. we wouldn't tell you you were beautiful every minute, and 2. we wouldn't try to change it by doing something like suggesting a new outfit. We're doing it because we love you and we want to help, we just don't know how without upsetting you.
-Ross
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