PastorSteveMT
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Joined: 5/27/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jk99
So I pose the question again…Yes I have talked to her…and she freely admitted there wasn’t any reason.. so now what am a to do? Have an afair? Or deal with it..? I say this in jest but still.
I may get flamed for this from other people, but that's never stopped me before.
Brother, I applaud you for talking with your wife about this, but obviously the message isn't getting through. To answer your question. No, you are not to have an affair. And No, you are not to just sit back and deal with it or take it as it comes.
My advice to you....It's time for a serious talk with your wife without pulling any punches. And believe me when I tell you that I speak from personal experience when I share with you what I'm about to share.
You first need to tell her how much you love her which is why you are motivated to do everything you can to meet her needs. Physical needs, emotional needs and other needs. Admit you aren't perfect, but you do your best to be everything she needs you to be.
However, you need to tell her that you do NOT feel that the same is being reciprocated to you. Your needs are NOT being met and that because your needs are NOT being met, it is causing bitterness as well as anger and resentment to begin to build in your heart. JK99, DO NOT hold back on sharing with her the realities of where you are.
You need to share with her that while it has NEVER been in your heart to ever have an affair, that you believe that her dismissing your needs (and yes, she is very simply dismissing your needs) has the possibility to leave you weakened and in danger of failing in an area that you never want or intend on failing.
She needs to be told that she is the only person on this earth who is morally capable of meeting the one need that only she can meet and she is failing to meet it.
Now here is the deal...you need to do this without anger..in fact, if you feel you can't...or maybe just consider this regardless...you might want to write everything in a letter to her. Not only can you make sure that you don't miss anything, but you can think much longer before you speak this way.
The fact is that by her neglecting your needs, she is basically helping to open a door to possible infidelity in your marriage. I'm not saying it would be 100% her fault, but she would have some responsibility to it.
Just like you can't blame someone else for murdering someone, but if you know that this person is having murderous thoughts and you constantly leave a loaded weapon laying around the house in front of this person, you are somewhat responsible. You may not have pulled the trigger, but you certainly aren't innocent.
You need to let her know that you REFUSE to live the rest of your life like this. I'm not saying that you threaten divorce, I'm saying that she needs to know that this is not a situation that you are going to just let lay somewhere never to deal with.
She needs to know that you are hurt to the core because you believe she is rejecting YOU...it's not just the sex she is rejecting...but it is YOU. You have a need to feel loved and accepted sexually (which is different from a womans need) and that you DO NOT feel loved and accepted.
My wife and I had a spell like this somewhat early in our marriage. I had a very serious talk with her saying much, if not all, of what I have shared with you above. She was hurt...but she was mainly hurt when she realized that what I was saying was true. I had to have that talk several times, but each time I did, it got better and better and now that part of our lives are incredible and mutually enjoyed by both. She even pursues me in that way which is wonderful. I still do what I can to help her and be there in the ways that she needs me to, and she does the same. We are both giving and by the fact that we are both giving, we both get to recieve.
Brother, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you are your wife.
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