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Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/27/2009 8:31:29 PM
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jk99
Posts: 36
Joined: 5/24/2005
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OK I am sure this has been written before however, I am really getting to my wit ends and would appreciate some solid marital advice from those tested through and true.
I am a 30 something year old man, I am not unattractive and in relatively good health. I am not overweight (well may be 10 ponds) in other words I’m a typical male.
I have one daughter who I love dearly and have been married for 13 years. I take out the garbage, help around the house, work hard to help provide for my family, I don’t smoke do drugs or drink or abuse her…I don’t go out with the boys…ever. I all ways try and do something special with my family at least once a week…e.g. go to the zoo etc I remember birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions and try and make them special for my wife.…..so you are probably wondering why I am giving you all this deal…it because I don’t understand or should I say, I am not sure why my wife isn’t that interested in sex with me.
I mean she is but it never seems to be a priory for her. She tells me she finds me attractive but she never initiates intimacy and never has our whole marriage. I explicitly tell her many times I want to be with her and it’s usually put off till later but later never comes. For example, today I asked her can we please have some time together. It has nearly been 3 weeks. She said what about (our daughter) I said we could put her in the crib with some books and some toys and her favorite CD for a while in the afternoon. My wife’s reply was “No I can do that I’ll fell guilty”. She said later tonight but now says she wants to watch a show she has been waiting for which will go until 9. Who cares about a show we have TiVo. Watch it later…it’s that kind of talk that just make me feel unwanted.
Honestly, lately in the last year or two intimacy has resulted to once a month on most occasions and I am starting to get on my wits end. I have to be on guard more and now because I am looking at other women in a way that is not making me feel comfortable or good about my self. Last week someone at work said something to me that perked up my interested and I am almost certain it was a come on. I don’t think I would do anything but my frustration is building up …
Do you think I am the one who is being unreasonable?
Is this normal in a marriage and should I just accept it?
Please offer some sound advice and a testimony or two..
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/27/2009 8:47:37 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3567
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I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I don't think this should be considered an acceptable situation.
Unfortunately, a lot of women seem to think it's OK to "not feel like it" for weeks and weeks on end (or months, or years), leaving a husband rejected and miserable. Taking your word for it about your behavior as a husband, I think she is being very unfair to you.
Is she the type of wife who would be willing to read a book or talk to someone about this? She may not understand how devastating this is to you. Another possibility, it sounds like you have an infant in the house...she may be feeling unattractive, or be having hormonal issues, or PPD.
Have you had an actual heart-to-heart with her about this? Not telling her when you want to be with her, but sitting down, holding her hand, explaining to her that you love her and are broken hearted that she has no apparent interest in you, or is choosing things like TV shows over time with you. And take the opportunity to ask her if she has some resentment towards you, or if there is something you could change in order to make it easier for her to "feel like it" more often. Also, take any pressure off her to initiate. If she is willing when you initiate, you don't need to require her to initiate. If she feels you want her to be agressive in the bedroom, and that is not her personality, that might be part of her avoiding the whole thing.
And I would like to add, that no matter what your wife does, whether she changes or not, it is your obligation as a husband to remain loving and sexually and emotionally faithful, no matter how hurt you are or how strongly someone comes on to you. If your wife is leaving you empty, then you go to God to be filled, not ever to another woman.
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/27/2009 9:04:09 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10987
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From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
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MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Moving from Marriage to Men Only, since discussions of a sexual nature on our forums are to be in gender-specific folders.
3capp's post above was made before the move; therefore, it's OK.
Thanks!
Please do not reply to this message within the forums or chat.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/27/2009 9:12:34 PM
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jk99
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I believe you right I am obligated to be faithful… I did not think that she might feel unattractive that is a good point…. As far as sitting down and holding here hand, no... However, I have on more than one occasion in the last year said to her that our times together have been few and fewer…she agreed and committed to making an effort…which I never saw.
As far as taking my word as to the kind of man I am my wife has even said that she is fortunate to be married to me…and I to her. I do not say this to stroke my ego but to demonstrate that I am not aware of anything I am doing behaviorally to make her despise me…in fact my wife quite often tells me she loves me.
And as far as aggression that’s really not her personality what I am talking about is her even simply asking? I can’t see that as aggression. In regards to your comment I totally understand about leaning on God. I can not deny that but it’s also nice to have someone I can touch too. And that should be my wife. Touch just simple touch is something I miss to…we don’t do that any more now either…..thanks for you input.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/27/2009 11:00:35 PM
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CDX25
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jk99I take out the garbage, help around the house, work hard to help provide for my family, I don’t smoke do drugs or drink or abuse her…I don’t go out with the boys…ever. I all ways try and do something special with my family at least once a week…e.g. go to the zoo etc I remember birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions and try and make them special for my wife.
I think she may see you too much. Imagine if you were gone for a long, the desire to connect intimately would be high, whereas being together all the time is the opposite. I wouldn't say anything you are doing is wrong, but being intimate for minutes is worth hours of normal trust building and closeness, which she's getting through normal daily routine and isn't desiring much more.
So if you're turning down "going out with the boys," I would change that. That's my out in left field opinion.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/28/2009 11:19:29 AM
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rayofson
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Some women don't initiate. It's just not in their nature, so don't rely on that or it will get you nowhere.
You say that you don't touch as much lately either. As much as possible, I would encourage you to show physical affection outside of the bedroom and throughout the day. Often women need that to get them in the mood.
Whenever there's a baby in the house, the mother often feels that her duty is toward the baby. And getting time to yourselves can be problematic. How about a babysitter?
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/28/2009 1:26:16 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jk99
Do you think I am the one who is being unreasonable?
Is this normal in a marriage and should I just accept it?
Please offer some sound advice and a testimony or two..
It is common that having a baby knocks out a woman's sex drive for a while. I know after my first was born, I felt that same rejection as you and took it personally. That was a rocky spot in our marriage to the point of being a near divorce.
Guys don't know (and no one seems to think to tell them) that after a woman has a baby, there are huge emotional changes in her (and some in hubbies too). Eventually things can be worked through but I think a lot of guys take what happens then personally & as permanent when it really is just normal temporary emotional & relationship chaos.
If the wife was always like this though, then it is probably not much to do with having a new baby.
Women need romance. It is good that you help with the house stuff but that is not romance.. If you really want to light her up, you have to romance her. It is a learned talent for most of us guys and what works depends somewhat on the individual personalities. Go to the book store and get some idea books on the topic and start trying some of the ideas in them. I remember reading the book "Light her fire" and it had some ok ideas but I don't really recommend that particular one.
Some women however, simply don't have much of a sex drive regardless of how much a guy tries to make it work. It's nothing personal about the hubby.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/28/2009 3:50:13 PM
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APZR
Posts: 1064
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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quote:
For example, today I asked her can we please have some time together. It has nearly been 3 weeks. She said what about (our daughter) I said we could put her in the crib with some books and some toys and her favorite CD for a while in the afternoon. My wife’s reply was “No I can do that I’ll fell guilty”. She said later tonight but now says she wants to watch a show she has been waiting for which will go until 9. Who cares about a show we have TiVo. Watch it later…it’s that kind of talk that just make me feel unwanted.
Honestly, lately in the last year o
Putting the kid in the crib with books and toys, as well as Tivo, are perfectly acceptable means to grab a little together time. She was a WIFE before becoming a mother, and she needs to remember that. Could you ask your pastor to maybe solicit some help from the elder ladies at church to mentor her on being a wife AND mother? This needs to be addressed ASAP or your marriage will be doomed, no emotionally dead marriage survives.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 9/30/2009 7:35:53 AM
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shoe
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quote:
Could you ask your pastor to maybe solicit some help from the elder ladies at church to mentor her on being a wife AND mother?
This ought to be an interesting approach. Even though this needs to be addressed, the last thing you may want to do is get the church ladies involved. Sorry, but I have seen way too much gossip from people that quite frankly shouldn't have been involved in the first place. You might as well put it on the screen during service!
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/3/2009 5:49:49 PM
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southserve
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I have to tell you that for some people, sexual relations are not the priority in life. I've always said that sex is designed to COMPLEMENT a marriage, not run it. I'm not saying this is your case, but you need to examine when your wife became disinterested in sex. If this problem has plagued you from day 1, then after 13 years you should have learned to live with it by now. If it is more recent and there is an infant in the house, that may be creating havoc with her own sex drive - it happens.
You need to think of ways in which to arouse her (without being crude or offensive) and see if she loosens up. If at all possible, have someone babysit for a night and you take her out to dinner (go heavy on the wine  ) and maybe spend the night at a hotel - just to rekindle that adventurous side we all have - and no, this is not inappropriate for people who are married to each other! If she is away from your daughter, housework and/or whatever else she may have on her mind for just one night, it will do wonders to her mindframe and ultimately your intimacy (I tell you this from experience). Good luck!
_____________________________
"BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER" Romans 12:12
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/5/2009 4:31:23 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 490
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Hello jk99
In all of my 72 years of living I can truthfully say that women are complex creatures. They are affected by things that many of us men fail to see. And their emotions go deep even though they usually vent their feelings to each other.
In any event, you need to delve into what is going on. Marriage is an endless number of encounters, both intimate and casual. Most of them, though, consist of two people that are engaged with each other. Distance between a man and wife is not God's plan for marriage.
It's hard to tell, in written communication, if an impression is valid or not. But if a wife doesn't work outside the home, she may resent a man doing too many things in her kitchen. Many wives consider that room to be their domain.
It is commendable of you to perceive that something is amiss. Many guys don't have a clue when things are not going well and even oblivious to the existence of problems in a relationship. So, I would tell her how you feel about the latest developments. May the Lord bless the two of you and bring you closer together.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/5/2009 5:26:24 PM
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dnp200450
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
Hello jk99
In all of my 72 years of living I can truthfully say that women are complex creatures. They are affected by things that many of us men fail to see. And their emotions go deep even though they usually vent their feelings to each other.
JK99, AMEN to that!!!
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/10/2009 12:20:38 PM
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Concerto
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I can relate to the original post. I am almost, in a sense, living a celibate life even though I am married. When I mention the subject with my wife, the "too tired" response comes up, or, just no response at all. Even when newly married...it was never a priority with her. Not to be mean, but, the Bible is clear that couples should not deprive each other, unless it is agreed upon. I know that husbands are supposed to love their wife, and treat them nice, but, I do not see where being intimate is some prize husbands should receive be for being nice. What does the Bible say?
A husband should fulfill his marital duty (A) to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive (B) one another—except when you agree, for a time, to devote yourselves to [a] prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
So, because of the lack of response on her part, or the cold responses I receive, I try not to bring it up hardly at all anymore. So, how do I cope you ask? Well, I do not turn to stuff on the computer, that is destructive, addictive, and sinful. I just try to occupy my mind with other things. I listen to sad love songs, and dream about having a fulfilling love life (love and intimacy). Listen to music...play piano, study, hobbies, etc. This is just one issue I am dealing with by the way. My marriage is not that great actually...poor communication, different mindsets...etc. As for divorce, well, I have a child, and I wish to honor God...by not getting a divorce..
C
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:48:36 AM
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jk99
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Hello everyone and thanks for your posts. Sorry I have not written in lately due to a very busy time at work. On a couple of your comments.
mrtigger you say “women need romance” got that covered (I think)….unless the bar is set too high…..I tell my wife all the time I love her, offer to go out to dinner and get a baby sitter, she’s a little concerned about leaving my daughter with someone, she is getting over that. We spent a 3 week vacation a couple of months ago in another country, I buy her special gifts, I cook specials dinners, I offer her back rubs and all the stuff I think I am suppose to do. When it comes to romance I have to say as a man for us to make an effort and to be shot down for it I think that’s unfair….I am not saying that’s what you are doing what I mean is we hear that all the time to be more romantic like somehow it’s our job to prove our worth to have intimacy… yes your wife should be worth the effort however intimacy should be part of a healthy marriage just for the enjoyment too. Having relationships with your wife I feel should also be no different than going to do your favorite hobby….not drawing equals to that task but rather saying enjoying it for what it is to. I get it that women need romance however, so do men. The world tells us men we need to pick up around the house, help out a bit, be good communicators, dedicate personal time, tell wife’s how pretty they look and so on, make them feel special….when does this world tell women what they should do……..? I fell this subject is often viewed biasly. The bottom line is I truly believe I am making a more than my fair share of effort….and if I am to speak frankly I would go as far as to say I am underappreciated to be honest. Thank you for your comments on “Some women however, simply don't have much of a sex drive regardless of how much a guy tries to make it work. It's nothing personal about the hubby.” I get that and validate that as a legitimate comment.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:49:43 AM
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jk99
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Shoe…your right I feel that the church is often the last place to talk to someone….sorry but I have seen way…….to much unskilled and unqualified people offering advice, it’s a breeding ground for disaster in my opinion.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:50:50 AM
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jk99
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Southserve you say “If this problem has plagued you from day 1, then after 13 years you should have learned to live with it by now” sorry I do not agree this is something I have to live with…if I viewed pornography, or had some other unhealthy behavior would that be an acceptable comment…no way it would not. However, I do appreciate you comments but have to truthfully disagree on that one.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:54:32 AM
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jk99
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jn1010lf congrates by the way 72 wow…you are right this is the first and won’t be the last when it comes to understanding my wife I am sure.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:56:39 AM
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jk99
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Concerto thank you also for your post. I have to say that 1 Corinthians 7:3-6 says it all. I think biblically you are spot on. And take note we are told we have a lack of self control. Also if there is any tool the enemy can use it is certainly this one. Read the posts that relate to this topic and you can feel a sense of desperation in the voices of the writers. I am not saying this is a get what you want card and would never uses this as a manipulation tool as this would only be from the enemy and not love. Having said this my wife is a Christian women and she does know that passage. So where and who does the responsibility lay with, me? Her? Or the both of us?
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 6:58:47 AM
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jk99
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Now having said all this I did talk to my wife on the matter as suggested and asked her how she felt about herself and our intimacy. She said she felt it was fine. I told her that I missed having intimacy more often and would like to be together more. I expressed about the TV situation a few weeks ago and asked her if intimacy was her priority. She told me that she like the closeness but as far as intimacy it ranked and felt like a back rub? It just seems to me that I am in a lose – lose situation. I have a wife that loves me but apparently is not as satisfied with sex in it’s self…boy how would that make you feel …sorry I can ‘t help feeling a little inadequate here..
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/21/2009 9:23:24 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jk99
Shoe…your right I feel that the church is often the last place to talk to someone….sorry but I have seen way…….to much unskilled and unqualified people offering advice, it’s a breeding ground for disaster in my opinion.
Amen to that Brothers! At the risk of being flamed, much of the time, the prudent thing is not to receive counseling of any kind. I find it is better when I figure out things by myself. Too many of these so-called counselors cause a lot of damage.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/27/2009 7:14:14 PM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 426
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From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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Married men seem to get blamed a lot don't they? If your wife cheats, it's your fault. If she isn't being intimate, it must be something you are doing wrong. You aren't being romantic enough. You are being too pushy. You are obsessing too much a intimacy and sex. She is inactive in the bedroom and it is because you aren't doing a good job at it.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/28/2009 11:51:38 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
Married men seem to get blamed a lot don't they? If your wife cheats, it's your fault. If she isn't being intimate, it must be something you are doing wrong. You aren't being romantic enough. You are being too pushy. You are obsessing too much a intimacy and sex. She is inactive in the bedroom and it is because you aren't doing a good job at it.
Sadly, what you say is very true. If it helps anySingle men are not exempt either. Let me tell some of the things I have had to deal or heard some of the brothers go through:
If you are young and were brought up in the anti-dating “I Kissed Dating Goodbye Era” you may have never had a date throughout your teens and early twenties. This after being told to “stay away from women because desire and temptation is bad.” You may have even been monitored by chaperons if you tried to see someone alone. So you would the avoid the issue altogether and hand out with your male friends. Associating with girls/women your age would only bring suspicion and numerous additional social protocols.
Now all of the sudden you are told “God says go get a wife and make a family, sex is spiritual and great. Oh by the way, you have to be a real man and convince her you will make a great Christian family head.” This after years of conditioning to avoid desire/temptation/lust/flesh/whatever and yes, looking at or mingling with females.
If we are otherwise sociable, financially successful, stylish, and project a good Christian image but are not pursuing, it is said that we are in some form of extended adolescence.
If over a few years you make ourselves “immune” to temptation and give up on sexual interest (yes, believe me, it is possible) we are accused of secretly looking at porn for “release”. It is then suggested we install all sorts of filters and notification systems that tells someone if you are looking at porn. Big Brother 1984! At times you maybe accused of being a closet homosexual that is in denial!
If we don’t get romantically involved because of University or workload we are accused of having the wrong priorities and making false idols out of education or career. Yet we are somehow supposed to be a money making breadwinner that can support (house, feed, insure, transport) a family (wife, children & self) while we are the only one in the household employed.
If we show any indication of interest in women it means lecture, sermons and warnings about desire/lust/temptation/boundaries. This is about as pleasant as having a quadruple compacted wisdom tooth extraction sans the anesthetic! I take that back, at least the extraction is not there to break your spirit and make you feel guilty for being a man that by default is trying to harm women.
If we ask a woman out and it could be unpleasant. Why? Because interest shows sexual desire. Many woman in church are/were the victims of sexual abuse. If you ask out a woman who has been traumatized… Trust me, the reaction can be dramatic to say the least. At which point you better off just leaving that church, permanently!
Ask her out for a “date” and there is a high chance you will be rejected because “date” is a bad word that in some circles means premarital sex.
If you ask her out and don’t call it a “date” she may not know if you are trying to be a friend or a boyfriend. This can cause a lot of confusing. Because you can become part of the “friend” group. You may never be seen by her as an eligible guy.
If you are in to “courtship” and somehow she finds out you are looking for a wife, that can be problematic. She may feel there is a high chance you are moving to fast and are going to keep pushing marriage before you even get to know her. With courtship some believe you are supposed to ask her father’s permission to go out with the girl. Problem is her father may not be present in her life or a Christian.
If you get in a relationship with her and do not kiss or coddle you risk being thought of as “cold dud”. If you are an affectionate guy (kiss, hugs, holding hands) you maybe accused of pushing the “premarital envelope” too far.
My point is don’t feel it is married guys that take all of the lumps. Being an American Christian guy can be challenging. But over time you develop a thick skin and become that much more independent and strong. Though I see why a lot of Christian guys I know just “dropout”. Many of the current churches, pastors and male ministries are really not designed for us anymore. Also be very careful of so-called counselors. Many, not all of them, but many of them, are not impartial and see may see you as the bad guy. That being said there are many good objective counselors out there.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/29/2009 2:32:57 AM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 426
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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I can't see anything I disagree with here dnp.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/29/2009 6:17:24 AM
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jk99
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dnp200450 & Child4Jesus: I have to say in many ways I have to agree. Obliviously we have to be careful and not getting into woman bashing. Having said this I can only speak from my experiences.
I have personally had experiences in my life that if I was a woman I know it would be treated differently. For example some years ago I went to a conference…my boss (who was a woman) purposely went into the bathroom I was showering in and opened the shower door just so she could see me naked. When I went to the proper authorities to complain she was warned….that’s right warned! But, nothing ever came from that…would that have been the same way if the roles were reversed.
As far as getting counseling from members of the church….lets think about that for a moment. Very, very, very few have ever, if any, at all had any formal education on counseling…yes the majority may have taken a weekend class (if your lucky) even pastors have had minimal training. I am not suggesting all that do counsel are incompetent but when have you seen a pastor with a PHD in counseling? Heck do any even have some kind of teaching background? Yet isn’t that what they do every weekend?
It is rare I am sure of it. I am not suggesting that pastors are incompetent but lets look at the facts. Churches are having breakups, member splits and members leave and we call that a healthy Christian community. No we are actually very sick. Here is my take….your having a heart attack…you go to the hospital (the building, like a church) some guy/gal comes up to you and it’s plain as Jane they look like they don’t have experience…so you ask a few questions…what’s you training, reply ..Oh I gave mouth to mouth and saved 3 life’s in my life.. where did you learn you skill….. reply, I’ve taken 3 weekend courses on CPR and I have read lots of books! Now do you feel better they are working on your heart…heck no you would scream for someone with qualifications wouldn't you! We don’t let accountants do this…we don’t let teachers to do this….dentists and so on yet we somehow think a person in the church is qualified enough….? I have experienced seen too many break downs, devoice, hard feelings and lies in the church…that there is no way I would go back to that building and be worked on….All I have known is every weekend people go to church preach and act as if they have a handle on Christian Values. But when push comes to shove they crumble. I have seen it time and time again.
With regards to men I would have to say that honestly the enemy has done a great job of breaking down families and the honor that comes with being a male. dnp200450 there is no doubt that you are expressing a lot of frustration. I am not sure if I would look at it completly as you do however, I don’t walk in your shoes.
Having said that take a look at this web site…a few weeks ago I posted this topic in the marriage section. It was moved. Which I think is silly regardless, a week later a female posted a similar post. Her post was moved but notice the moderators comments.
quote:
MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Moving from Marriage to Women Only. We do not allow topics about sex in mixed company.
Posts by men up to this point are OK, but from now on, men are not allowed to post. Thank you!
Tricia
Forums Moderator
Now I checked to see if my post was still there to
to see the moderators note and it wasn’t. However, I remember reading my post and I was annoyed it was moved but I am almost certain 99.9% that my moderator never stated women are not allowed to post….interesting observation hey.
There is no doubt in my mind there is a reverse sexism and discrimination that we have allowed to become familiar with and I think if many men were honest they would agree it’s out there.
With regards to my wife, I do love here dearly but regarding this topic I do think not feeling not having intimacy for up to 6-7 weeks is reasonable. As far as her being stretch to her limits…forgive me people, when I read through the posts I did read excuses about being tired and hormones etc…my daughter is nearly 2 years old and every weekend I get up early in the morning so my wife can sleep in, and she does every weekend I work way more than she does at least another 20 hrs. I do my fair share around the house and all the outside work. I cook dinner I do laundry and yet I am supposed to figure out what I need to do…I all ready thought I was. I probably sound a little irate… well that’s because I am. But honestly when I do stuff that I am supposed to and get rejected then what is there for me to do… So I pose the question again…Yes I have talked to her…and she freely admitted there wasn’t any reason.. so now what am a to do? Have an afair? Or deal with it..? I say this in jest but still.
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RE: Intimacy with my wife? (HELP) - 10/29/2009 8:30:45 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jk99
dnp200450 & Child4Jesus: I have to say in many ways I have to agree. Obliviously we have to be careful and not getting into woman bashing. Having said this I can only speak from my experiences.
Oh, I have nothing against women. A woman actually brought me in to this world. No, the problem is with modern North American church culture. Both men and women are getting confusing and somewhat contradictory information. I was addressing it from a male prospective but I have a sister and I have talked to a lot of the sisters through the years and they are going through much of the same issues.
It may be even harder for them because they aren’t “allowed” to ask a guy out. So they have to try to show they like the guy, without actually asking him out. Yet they are not supposed to be “too forward”. Talk about walking a tight-rope! Also the biological clock problem is a much greater problem for women. So I would venture to guess the sisters may actually have it worst than the brothers.
quote:
I have personally had experiences in my life that if I was a woman I know it would be treated differently. For example some years ago I went to a conference…my boss (who was a woman) purposely went into the bathroom I was showering in and opened the shower door just so she could see me naked. When I went to the proper authorities to complain she was warned….that’s right warned! But, nothing ever came from that…would that have been the same way if the roles were reversed.
You most likely would be fired and arrested. Depending on the State the incident happened in, you may have been placed on a Sex Offender List.
quote:
As far as getting counseling from members of the church….lets think about that for a moment. Very, very, very few have ever, if any, at all had any formal education on counseling…yes the majority may have taken a weekend class (if your lucky) even pastors have had minimal training. I am not suggesting all that do counsel are incompetent but when have you seen a pastor with a PHD in counseling? Heck do any even have some kind of teaching background? Yet isn’t that what they do every weekend?
It is rare I am sure of it. I am not suggesting that pastors are incompetent but lets look at the facts. Churches are having breakups, member splits and members leave and we call that a healthy Christian community. No we are actually very sick. Here is my take….your having a heart attack…you go to the hospital (the building, like a church) some guy/gal comes up to you and it’s plain as Jane they look like they don’t have experience…so you ask a few questions…what’s you training, reply ..Oh I gave mouth to mouth and saved 3 life’s in my life.. where did you learn you skill….. reply, I’ve taken 3 weekend courses on CPR and I have read lots of books! Now do you feel better they are working on your heart…heck no you would scream for someone with qualifications wouldn't you! We don’t let accountants do this…we don’t let teachers to do this….dentists and so on yet we somehow think a person in the church is qualified enough….? I have experienced seen too many break downs, devoice, hard feelings and lies in the church…that there is no way I would go back to that building and be worked on….All I have known is every weekend people go to church preach and act as if they have a handle on Christian Values. But when push comes to shove they crumble. I have seen it time and time again.
I know what you’re saying! The pastors should be referring people to qualified counselors instead of performing open heart surgery without a license. I was asked to counsel a group of brothers with drug problems a while back. I refused the offer because: A) I have never have been addicted to anything. B) I have absolutely no training in addiction counseling. In other words, I was not qualified to counsel on the subject. My pastor at the time seemed somewhat offended by my refusal. I finally had to explain to him that I could potentially do far more harm than good. Besides, I know they would have been able to see right through me.
Another time the pastor wanted me to counsel a brother who was having marital problems. I have never been married and the wife was not to be involved. I obviously refused that “offer” as well! I suggested a Christian marriage therapist who was experienced, rational and had a good track record. I realized I was way, way, over my head. Hey, I am never ashamed to seek qualified help. Especially when families and souls are at risk!
quote:
With regards to men I would have to say that honestly the enemy has done a great job of breaking down families and the honor that comes with being a male. dnp200450 there is no doubt that you are expressing a lot of frustration. I am not sure if I would look at it completly as you do however, I don’t walk in your shoes.
What I wrote was primarily based on my experience. I am not frustrated though. Because it is not like this in every church or denomination, nor in every country I have been. I found Christian churches to be far more “date friendly” in Europe and Australia. In my experience they tend to be quite positive towards Christian males, females and relationships in general. Less suspicion, monitors (spies) and seminars. The globe is much smaller then it used to be.
quote:
Having said that take a look at this web site…a few weeks ago I posted this topic in the marriage section. It was moved. Which I think is silly regardless, a week later a female posted a similar post. Her post was moved but notice the moderators comments.
quote:
MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Moving from Marriage to Women Only. We do not allow topics about sex in mixed company.
Posts by men up to this point are OK, but from now on, men are not allowed to post. Thank you!
Tricia
Forums Moderator
Now I checked to see if my post was still there to
to see the moderators note and it wasn’t. However, I remember reading my post and I was annoyed it was moved but I am almost certain 99.9% that my moderator never stated women are not allowed to post….interesting observation hey.
There is no doubt in my mind there is a reverse sexism and discrimination that we have allowed to become familiar with and I think if many men were honest they would agree it’s out there.
That brings up an interesting TOS issue. Since sex is supposed to be between a man and woman shouldn’t the opposite sex be involved in the forums? A woman knows about women much more than a man does. So should I be forced to post of a “men’s” section if I am having problems with my wife? The only ones allowed to answer would be men! Also doesn't each gender read the others forums and posts anyway?
quote:
With regards to my wife, I do love here dearly but regarding this topic I do think not feeling not having intimacy for up to 6-7 weeks is reasonable. As far as her being stretch to her limits…forgive me people, when I read through the posts I did read excuses about being tired and hormones etc…my daughter is nearly 2 years old and every weekend I get up early in the morning so my wife can sleep in, and she does every weekend I work way more than she does at least another 20 hrs. I do my fair share around the house and all the outside work. I cook dinner I do laundry and yet I am supposed to figure out what I need to do…I all ready thought I was. I probably sound a little irate… well that’s because I am. But honestly when I do stuff that I am supposed to and get rejected then what is there for me to do… So I pose the question again…Yes I have talked to her…and she freely admitted there wasn’t any reason.. so now what am a to do? Have an afair? Or deal with it..? I say this in jest but still.
It sounds like you have done everything you are supposed too. Yes, many posters will automatically take her side and offer excuses. If you denied her sex, many of the same posters would berate you and hit you with scriptures about performing your duty. There is the possibility that your wife loves the duties you perform but does not actually love you .
What would I probably do in that situation? Move out! Why would I live with someone who just tries to use me for work and money? You can’t force someone to change. She can’t force you to live with her either. Before anyone attempts to flame me, notice I said move out. I did not use the “D” word.
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