|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/19/2009 1:33:11 PM
|
|
|
agapetos
Posts: 9905
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
|
quote:
So it's not always a good scale to rely on. Which is why it shouldn't be used as a standalone tool...
Nor should stepping on bathroom scales be used as a standalone because looking slim doesn't mean you're healthy....
_____________________________
Stovie, Stovie, what am I going to do with you!
Maggie
September 09
My blog
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/19/2009 2:03:35 PM
|
|
|
a_sparrow
Posts: 626
Joined: 6/20/2006
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
|
quote:
Here's my suggestion... say nothing about her weight period. Do not suggest how she can lose weight. Do not point out to her how she should change her eating habits. Why? Because you are right -- it is a mine field.
When she complains to you about her weight say, "I love you. I love your body." Don't add, "just as it is" or "it looks good to me." Just keep it a simple "I love your body." Let her know frequently that you are attracted to her and that you think she's sexy without any reference at all to her size or weight.
When/if she sticks to a diet and loses some weight, tell her how proud you are of her for accomplishing a very difficult task -- sticking to a diet. Keep your words of encouragement focused on her self-control not on her weight loss. Focus on her added energy and all the other added benefits of losing weight. You can compliment her on the amount of weight but don't say stuff that would lead her to believe that she is more attractive to you after losing weight than before losing weight.
You need to keep it clear that you are attracted to her because of who she is not what she weighs.
The best you can do is give her the security of your love and your desire for her. Her self esteem is something she will need to find for herself in the Lord.
I, too, agree that Laura's post is excellent. However - only tell her that you are attracted to her and find her body acceptable if this is true. Don't say this because you believe you ought to feel that way, or that it's the loving thing to say regardless of how you truly feel. If that is the case, say something else instead; you could say that you love her, and are committed to marrying her and keeping your vows, or you could mention things about her you like (something physical like her smile or her hair, or a character trait). When we are lied to, we figure it out, usually immediately, and our sense of security suffers.
I know you mean well; I just thought it was necessary to add that caveat.
_____________________________
Elizabeth
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/19/2009 10:12:56 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8739
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: agapetos
quote:
What we have talked about is diet, she has a pile if low cal cooking books in her kitchen… but she is on the typical American high carb diet… she LOVES bread, rice, pasta, potatoes… I have told her she doesn’t have to stop eating such things but just cut back. I agree. It's not necessarily what a person eats, but the amount a person eats. It may be worth looking at switching to wholegrain bread, brown rice and pasta too.
Scott,
I'd echo agapetos's recommendation here. Switching to wholewheat bread, wholewheat pasta and brown rice naturally lowers the carb intake, and is so much better for you (botb of you) as well.
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/19/2009 11:10:23 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2131
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: catlady11
quote:
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy
Not necessarily. I am 5 feet tall and 48 years old (the older I get the more weight I can carry). Right now I am a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs. At 150 lbs. I'm a size 6 and not heavy at all.
wow I am 150lbs and a size 14 (size 12 in the USA I think). How do you manage to be a size 6 at 150lbs?I would have to weigh about 80lbs in the uK to be a size 6.I used to weigh 110lbs and still was a size 10 (size 8 in the uSA).
|
|
|
|
|
My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/19/2009 11:16:21 PM
|
|
|
pink..
Posts: 11150
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
quote:
ORIGINAL: catlady11
quote:
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy
Not necessarily. I am 5 feet tall and 48 years old (the older I get the more weight I can carry). Right now I am a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs. At 150 lbs. I'm a size 6 and not heavy at all.
wow I am 150lbs and a size 14 (size 12 in the USA I think). How do you manage to be a size 6 at 150lbs?I would have to weigh about 80lbs in the uK to be a size 6.I used to weigh 110lbs and still was a size 10 (size 8 in the uSA).
I'm 5'7" and when I was a size 6, I was in high school and weighed about 110 lbs.
_____________________________
Gratitude is a vaccine, an antitoxin and an antiseptic.
~ John Henry Jowett
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/21/2009 10:18:38 AM
|
|
|
catlady11
Posts: 104
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
wow I am 150lbs and a size 14 (size 12 in the USA I think). How do you manage to be a size 6 at 150lbs?I would have to weigh about 80lbs in the uK to be a size 6.I used to weigh 110lbs and still was a size 10 (size 8 in the uSA).
I used to say that I was the biggest size 6 in the world. I think because of how my weight is distributed I am able to carry the weight yet be a small size. Believe it or not at 140 lbs I was fitting into a size 4. How, I don't know.
When I was 15 I was 130 lbs. and I was HUGE. For some reason the older I get the more weight I can carry. By the time I'm 90 I'll be at my perfect weight.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/21/2009 10:45:15 AM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3303
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
I, too, agree that Laura's post is excellent. However - only tell her that you are attracted to her and find her body acceptable if this is true.
If that's not true then he shouldn't be planning to marry her.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/2/2009 5:11:52 PM
|
|
|
mariamaria
Posts: 249
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
|
I have a weight problem and you know the nicest thing my hubby does? He excepts me for me regardless of weight and never, not even when I was obese did he pass comment..I was the one who would talk about it all the time and he would listen and would only ever say, as long as your health doesn't suffer.The kindest thing he ever said was it's what is inside that counts and not out side and this is coming from a fitness instructor!
Believe me when I say that nothing you can do can help, she ,like myself has to help herself, encouraging words are great but don't stop you from eating! If you talk too much about it, she may feel pressure which is a sure way of her failing..Tell her you support her in any way you can but don't go on and on about it.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/3/2009 6:33:31 PM
|
|
|
AndersFan
Posts: 27
Joined: 5/3/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: PinkCarnations
quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
quote:
ORIGINAL: catlady11
quote:
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy
Not necessarily. I am 5 feet tall and 48 years old (the older I get the more weight I can carry). Right now I am a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs. At 150 lbs. I'm a size 6 and not heavy at all.
wow I am 150lbs and a size 14 (size 12 in the USA I think).
I'm 5'7" and when I was a size 6, I was in high school and weighed about 110 lbs.
I had to join in! I'm 5'7" and 134 pounds, but a size 4. (Except for this one brand that recently resized and I'm now a size 6 there.  ) One of my friends is the same height as me, weighs less, but is a size 8. I think a lot of it has to do with how you're built and also how much muscle you have. I've been lifting weights a lot the past year, so that accounts for some of the discrepancy. But I would like to lose 5 to 10 pounds just to be on a lower end of a 4, so I can pig out more. 
I wanted to add for the OP... If you do want to go out to eat sometimes, there are healthy low-carb options. Olive Garden offers a whole wheat linguini, for example, and even Macaroni's Grill has a whole wheat penne pasta. And both are delicious!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/12/2009 12:49:32 AM
|
|
|
butterfly_doll
Posts: 29
Joined: 10/9/2009
Status: offline
|
Ummm, ok I'm all late to the conversation, but I also have an issue with fluctuations in my weight due to adjustments to thyroid medication after removal of the gland because of grave's disease. So I wanted to add my 2 cents.
I think you've already been given some great advice on what to do. I agree that the advice on giving your "bride to be" compliments on things about her (that are not connected to her weight), things that will never change. It is a wonderful way to build her up. It is very important for her to know that you like her, enjoy her company, respect and love her personality traits. Please encourage her to use her talents and recognize her skills whenever possible.
But almost as important as what to do is what NOT to do. So I wanted to add this: when you have a disagreement (no matter how anygry you may be) do not ever speak negativly about her looks. Nothing is worse than the person you love the most knowing your deepest concerns and insecurities and using them to hurt you.
If you remember this, I think you'll be fine. Congrats to you both!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/15/2009 10:36:22 AM
|
|
|
anne-girl
Posts: 1760
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wherever I am
Status: offline
|
I started dating my husband when I was 45 lbs overweight and lost the extra weight by the time we got married. I will try (really really hard!) to avoid giving weight loss advice. You're not asking for that, and I don't think you should be giving it in terms of specifics (eg what types of foods to eat or how much). If your lady wants to lose weight badly enough, she will educate herself about those things and learn them on her own.
Your lady's journey might be a long one. I was overweight for some time without trying very hard to do something about it; I'd go to the gym and then tell myself I "deserved" half a box of cookies. You can tell her you love her body until the cows come home (and I recommend you do; esp agree with Laura's advice to leave "just as you are" out of it), but until she believes you mean it and more importantly, believes it about herself, she will not be able to lose the weight; or if she can, she will just as miserable about her body image when she's thinner as she is now.
I had to come to a point where I truly accepted and loved my body, before I was able to say "I love myself enough to want to change." That's when I really went to work on it; I chose to follow WeightWatchers because I didn't trust myself not to continually fall into the "I deserve it" trap, and I knew I needed reinforcement and re-training in how I thought about food. But I could have done it on my own; I just would have had to do harder research.
I would recommend keeping your advice to yourself until your lady asks for it; there is plenty you can do otherwise. When she talks about her weight, you can tell her that it makes you sad to hear her speak so negatively about herself, but that you're willing to support her in that goal in any way she thinks would be helpful. Emphasize that she is beautiful, but that you'd be willing to support her with anything that's an important goal for her. I'd suggest leaving the "how" of support up to her esp if she is very suggestible; you want to be her biggest cheerleader, not her dieting coach. If she doesn't follow a program, she will probably benefit from being accountable to someone, but it should NOT be you, even if she asks. A friend would be a better choice. If and when she makes a firm decision to lose weight, believe me, she will tell you. At that point, you might ask her if a doctor has advised her how much would be advisable to lose, esp as you're not sure she really needs it.
If she does reach that point of resolution, I'll share with you some of the best stuff DH did to encourage me while I was losing weight. He always got me home early from dates so we'd be able to get up early to go to the gym. We used to call each other at 6 am to get each other up to the gym. If we were eating out, he always asked what kind of food I was in the mood for (sometimes I'd "saved up" enough for a hearty meal, and sometimes I wanted to eat lightly). He'd even avoid eating tempting foods in front of me if I was trying to avoid those foods--extra helpful even now; I can't eat chocolate so he rarely eats it in front of me.
What your specific encouragement will look like would probably be quite different, but the key is that until you know she's 100% gung-ho committed to this goal, the encouragement will feel like nagging.
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/23/2009 9:23:58 PM
|
|
|
thechristianpastor
Posts: 9
Joined: 10/23/2009
Status: offline
|
As a woman with a few pounds to lose (LOL), I think to myself he cant possibly love me as much now that I am overweight. My feelings are on edge more often than ever before because I think he is not interested, and guess what I know that he loves me the way I am, in fact I know he loves me more everyday. This however doesnt matter because somewhere in us even if you are a Christian Pastor that you think that you are not holding his attention if you are overweight. However I know that he loves me with all of his being when he kisses me before he leaves for work, even though I am still sleeping, when he comes home and says I love you even when my hair is sticking all over the place. And once I asked him did he think I was fat and he said with or without your hair sticking all over the place. I laughed so hard that I forgot that he did not answer the question. You love her and you just keep on showing her that and when she is secure again she will know how you stuck by her. By the way I was 225 at 5 feet 3 and he loved me. Now at 185 he jokes around saying that I am far to skinny, I know he is joking but I just love knowing how much he loves me.
_____________________________
Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love him. (1Cor 2:9)
http://nobsjustjesus.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 10/29/2009 5:05:25 AM
|
|
|
Anon101
Posts: 200
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
|
First of all, how sweet of you to ask this. It is cute.
Your wife obviously wants to lose the weight. I know after I had my son I had 20+ lbs I wanted to lose and I HATED my body. I complained a lot, too. It is really difficult to tell you what to say without knowing how sensitive your wife is. For me, I'd rather have my husband tell me, yeah, I'd love to see you lose a few but I love you either way. I have may have a different personality type though. If someone tells me I can't do something, I'll do it because they told me I couldn't. My aunt made a comment about my weight and it made me mad enough to do something about it. That's just me. Some woman will be hurt by words and eat more, some will use that anger as a challenge.
I'd try sitting down with her an just be honest with her just like you are on here. Tell her that her weight bothers her more than it bothers you. Let her know you are there to help her on whatever she decides to do. Let her know you find her sexy just the way she is. :)
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
