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Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 9:56:33 PM
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MrsTracy72
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Ok, this is sort of a vent, and sort of not. I was at the grocery store with Kay the other day. She is four and while she is a great child, she still needs to be reminded of the rules at times. So we are walking and she decides that she is going to hold onto the cart and walk backwards. So I tell her she can't do that because it is not safe, and if she keeps doing it, she is going to have to sit in the seat of the cart. So she stopped. End of conversation.
We are going through the store, and talking to eachother. She is very fun to talk to because she really can think deep and express herself very well. We are almost done and I realized that I forgot to buy the lettuce, so we had to go all the way across the store, back to the produce section and when we get there, she turns around and grabs onto the cart and starts to walk backwards again.
So I told her in a more stern voice " I told you that you cannot walk backwards. There are people here and you almost walked into one of them, so turn around right now, or I am going to put you in the seat" I see nothing wrong with that.
This lady who was standing nearby looks at me and says "But she is turned around now" and I said "yes she is." Then this woman looks at my daughter and reassures her that she is a good girl and looks back at me and tells me "well sometimes the praise is much better than the scolding"
Ok, what is wrong with this picture? First, that woman wasn't there when we established the not walking backwards rule. Second, this woman didn't know me so who is she to tell me how to parent my child? And finally, she spoke to my daughter as if to correct what I did wrong. I don't think so.
I am not the type of person to get mad if someone sees my kids doing something they are not supposed to and telling them to stop as long as they are polite. But I do have a problem with people who think they know everything and tell you how to treat your child.
I didn't yell. I didn't spank her. All I did was give her a stern voice and tell her she had only one chance to turn around before I put her in the seat. I think that was perfectly acceptable. I so totally wanted to choke this woman, but I just smiled, said goodbye and walked away.
Any thoughts?
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 10:04:22 PM
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Wild-Rose
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From: Upstate NY
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My first thought is to try to let the anger go. Take a deep breath. Like water off a duck's back. You can't take people too seriously. One of the "curses" of parenthood is that people will want to give advice.
I'll tell you one of my stories. I was in the grocery store like you. My son was talking or joking. I don't even remember what he said. But I said to him "You are such a character!". I meant that word like funny or charming. But some lady took offense and she said "You should not call your son names like that!". I don't even know what she meant??? Like criminal character? Is character a bad word in someway? I thought about it for a while and then decided to just let it go. You can't make everyone happy. You can't take the criticism to heart.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 10:29:39 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2080
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose
I'll tell you one of my stories. I was in the grocery store like you. My son was talking or joking. I don't even remember what he said. But I said to him "You are such a character!". I meant that word like funny or charming. But some lady took offense and she said "You should not call your son names like that!". I don't even know what she meant??? Like criminal character? Is character a bad word in someway? I thought about it for a while and then decided to just let it go. You can't make everyone happy. You can't take the criticism to heart.
LOL, maybe English wasn't her first language. That doesn't make any sense.
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 10:36:01 PM
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manda59
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I was accustomed to having my parenting undermined and criticised by both my mother and my MIL, and had learned to let it be like water off a duck's back, so comments from random strangers didn't bother me.
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mvic, January 2009
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 11:07:41 PM
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Wild-Rose
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From: Upstate NY
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Another time my daughter at about age 5 took candy from a store, not knowing she needed to pay for it. My husband took her back in and told her to give the candy to the clerk. The clerk said "Oh, that's OK". Hubby then said "NO, it's not OK." The clerk immediately understood what my husband meant and said to my daughter" That's true, you need to pay for something if you want it." So they paid for the candy and left.
So sometimes you can explain, but you are not obligated. You could have said " I praise her after she does the right thing, but first I needed to remind her of the rules.". Some people will understand and others don't.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/16/2008 11:50:15 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2847
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
Ok, this is sort of a vent, and sort of not. I was at the grocery store with Kay the other day. She is four and while she is a great child, she still needs to be reminded of the rules at times. So we are walking and she decides that she is going to hold onto the cart and walk backwards. So I tell her she can't do that because it is not safe, and if she keeps doing it, she is going to have to sit in the seat of the cart. So she stopped. End of conversation.
We are going through the store, and talking to eachother. She is very fun to talk to because she really can think deep and express herself very well. We are almost done and I realized that I forgot to buy the lettuce, so we had to go all the way across the store, back to the produce section and when we get there, she turns around and grabs onto the cart and starts to walk backwards again.
So I told her in a more stern voice " I told you that you cannot walk backwards. There are people here and you almost walked into one of them, so turn around right now, or I am going to put you in the seat" I see nothing wrong with that.
This lady who was standing nearby looks at me and says "But she is turned around now" and I said "yes she is." Then this woman looks at my daughter and reassures her that she is a good girl and looks back at me and tells me "well sometimes the praise is much better than the scolding"
Ok, what is wrong with this picture? First, that woman wasn't there when we established the not walking backwards rule. Second, this woman didn't know me so who is she to tell me how to parent my child? And finally, she spoke to my daughter as if to correct what I did wrong. I don't think so.
I am not the type of person to get mad if someone sees my kids doing something they are not supposed to and telling them to stop as long as they are polite. But I do have a problem with people who think they know everything and tell you how to treat your child.
I didn't yell. I didn't spank her. All I did was give her a stern voice and tell her she had only one chance to turn around before I put her in the seat. I think that was perfectly acceptable. I so totally wanted to choke this woman, but I just smiled, said goodbye and walked away.
Any thoughts?
I think you made your case, so I wouldn't let a complete stranger without all the facts make me feel self-conscious.
As for being frustrated with this woman, that's a normal reaction. But I agree with the sentiment that it's good to let go of the anger.
_____________________________
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 12:02:06 AM
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Ellie-Mae
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I might have just said with a smile, "And sometimes it is better to mind your own business."
But never the less, I wouldn't have let it bother me any further.
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Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 12:03:51 AM
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KuKu
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I don't have kids, but I take my niece and nephews with me a lot, and I do correct them, remind them of manners, etc. when they are with me. I recently had someone at a store tell my niece that it was Ok to do what I had told her not to (going into a play area). So I simply said, Not right now, and walked her away. When we got out of earshot I reminded her that the adult she is with is the one responsible for her, and that I don't say/do things without a good reason (in this case it was time constraints and her not being out of my sight). The oldest one likes to take advantage of such situations (see, you are wrong and she agrees with me kind of stuff), so I simply remind him that I can't bring him along with me if I am not able to make decisions concerning him, since I am the one accountable if something were to happen.
I also take the other party with a grain of salt and usually have forgotten about it until the kids bring it up LOL.
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 7:53:13 AM
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Sideways
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An old friend of mine used to call her little son "boo boo" after the Yogi Bear sidekick. Of course, others got all up in arms, thinking she was calling her son a mistake, so she had to stop using the nickname.
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 9:00:32 AM
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garsyt
Posts: 2203
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
I might have just said with a smile, "And sometimes it is better to mind your own business."
But never the less, I wouldn't have let it bother me any further.
I'm thinking this is the best response. I personally should use it more. I had a lady in the store just Saturday tell me when I wouldn't let my 9 year old push the cart that I should let him take the responsibility! I looked at her and simply stated that that would be fine if she didn't mind paying for all the displays he knocked over (we were near a section that had several displays of nice wines and dishes). My ds just looked at me and knew that it was a lost cause to even bother trying to grab for the cart handle again!
Blessings,
Garsy
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My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 12:13:43 PM
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pbaribeault
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I think the root of this "nosy" problem is a lack of community. We are wired to want to reach out and help people, share what works for us, make other people's lives easier, correct what went 'wrong' in our own lives by advising others of small steps that might help them avoid it... that's the function of community.
Churches are one of the very few places left in our society where people have regular inter-relationships with people outside of their own age-and-status circle (your friends at work are mostly within 20 years of each other, and they all work; your friends from your kids school all have kids about the same age as yours; etc.)
In a real community where people are well known to each other, sensitive, open and appropriate, the kinds of things like sharing advice are done, and done well -- and people's needs are met. When people are not incorporated in a multi-generational community, I think the urge to spout at people in the grocery store can be irresistible.
Hmmmm... I wonder if we might be able to read that interfering behaviour as a 'felt need' and invite them into real community where they will feel needed and enjoyed rather than resented as a public busy-body. ("You seem to like kids. There's a lot of young families at our Church nearby. Do you want to come out some time? I'm sure dd would love to see you again.")
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 12:45:26 PM
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Sideways
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Certainly being as gracious as possible is the Christian response in this situation, and if you work in a church invite to it, then all the better. But even at church I certainly wouldn't appreciate unsolicited advice. I don't even appreciate unsolicited advice from my own mother, and she's someone I really care for and respect!
When my mom bragged to another grandma that she never offered advice unless asked, I later corrected her on that belief. A lot of times she just doesn't realize she doing it, and sometimes other people in the store or in church just don't realize how rude they are really sounding.
It's just plain bad manners to offer unsolicited advice, no matter how socially wired we are. I agree that humans are wired to be pack animals, and often we are living very lonely lives.
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 1:18:05 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1251
Joined: 10/23/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
I might have just said with a smile, "And sometimes it is better to mind your own business."
But never the less, I wouldn't have let it bother me any further.
I have not had it happen to me yet, but when it does (becuase I am sure it will) I will keep that in mind.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/17/2008 1:42:00 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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Jessica like to walk with us instead of sitting in the seat. We were in Wal Mart and she kept running ahead. I was frustrated since that was the 5th time I told her to stay with us. This old lady who looked very kind looked at me and said oh mommy leave her be she is having fun. I know she meant well and it almost made me smile despite me being irritated with Jessica. I know that the woman had no idea how different of a world we live in now. When we are in a wal mart that is in a city that has almost 200,000 people in it I cannot let my 3 year old run ahead no matter how much fun she is having.
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<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/18/2008 11:13:31 AM
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bzirk
Posts: 2847
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
I think the root of this "nosy" problem is a lack of community. We are wired to want to reach out and help people, share what works for us, make other people's lives easier, correct what went 'wrong' in our own lives by advising others of small steps that might help them avoid it... that's the function of community.
Churches are one of the very few places left in our society where people have regular inter-relationships with people outside of their own age-and-status circle (your friends at work are mostly within 20 years of each other, and they all work; your friends from your kids school all have kids about the same age as yours; etc.)
In a real community where people are well known to each other, sensitive, open and appropriate, the kinds of things like sharing advice are done, and done well -- and people's needs are met. When people are not incorporated in a multi-generational community, I think the urge to spout at people in the grocery store can be irresistible.
Hmmmm... I wonder if we might be able to read that interfering behaviour as a 'felt need' and invite them into real community where they will feel needed and enjoyed rather than resented as a public busy-body. ("You seem to like kids. There's a lot of young families at our Church nearby. Do you want to come out some time? I'm sure dd would love to see you again.")
Wish I could give you some stars for this. Great assessment.
_____________________________
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/18/2008 12:16:20 PM
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garsyt
Posts: 2203
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: the bottom of the laundry basket
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quote:
Hmmmm... I wonder if we might be able to read that interfering behaviour as a 'felt need' and invite them into real community where they will feel needed and enjoyed rather than resented as a public busy-body. ("You seem to like kids. There's a lot of young families at our Church nearby. Do you want to come out some time? I'm sure dd would love to see you again.")
The only problem I see with this is that it could encourage this sort of behavior, as if you approved and were okay with the fact that the "busybody" undermined your authority over your child. I know a couple of women IRL that would take this as free reign to counterdict me and tell my children they didn't have to obey my rules.
Blessings,
Garsy
_____________________________
My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/18/2008 8:02:29 PM
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kburrow
Posts: 13
Joined: 5/3/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
I think the root of this "nosy" problem is a lack of community. We are wired to want to reach out and help people, share what works for us, make other people's lives easier, correct what went 'wrong' in our own lives by advising others of small steps that might help them avoid it... that's the function of community.
Churches are one of the very few places left in our society where people have regular inter-relationships with people outside of their own age-and-status circle (your friends at work are mostly within 20 years of each other, and they all work; your friends from your kids school all have kids about the same age as yours; etc.)
In a real community where people are well known to each other, sensitive, open and appropriate, the kinds of things like sharing advice are done, and done well -- and people's needs are met. When people are not incorporated in a multi-generational community, I think the urge to spout at people in the grocery store can be irresistible.
Hmmmm... I wonder if we might be able to read that interfering behaviour as a 'felt need' and invite them into real community where they will feel needed and enjoyed rather than resented as a public busy-body. ("You seem to like kids. There's a lot of young families at our Church nearby. Do you want to come out some time? I'm sure dd would love to see you again.")
quote:
rs of small steps that might help them avoid it... that's the function of community.
With respect, this may be true of some people. There may be some genuinely nice folks, usually older folks, out there who want to help and advise out of kindness and have no outlet in our society.
However, there are also people out there who violate boundaries, spout unwanted advice and criticism, and even go so far as to undermine a parent child relationship out of a desire to boost their own low self-esteem, feel smart, be the boss, etc.
My father is like this, to the point of being diagnosed with a personality disorder. He undermined my authority with my child so much that I have had to cut off all contact with him (also for other reasons like stealing my identity and running up debts I had to pay, lying to the police at my expense to get himself out of trouble, etc.). I didn't cut him out of my life only because he is a hypercritical busybody, but that was one major problem with him.
IMO, the parent/child relationship is a "let no man put asunder" relationship, on a level with marriage. No one has a right to interfere with my authority or relationship with my child unless they have good reason to believe harm is being done. The one and only time I've ever criticized a parent is right after she allowed her little two year old (or younger) run right in front of my moving car in the grocery store parking lot while she was walking at least 10 feet ahead of him yapping on her cell phone and paying no attention to him at all. I was frightened to death that I nearly hit him, plus I was emotional over the death of a friend's nephew from being allowed to run behind a car.
Please do not encourage these people. Even nice well intentioned people need to understand the concept of boundaries. One of those boundaries is that you don't offer your "wise counsel" until asked or unless you're in a long-term friendship that can withstand a little intervention if you're sincerely worried (such as the one and only time I ever privately and respectfully questioned whether a friend should be marrying a man who had a history of abuse including jail time for spousal assault).
I have many friends and advisors in my life whom I ask for help with my child rearing questions. I do not need strangers at the grocery store putting in their two cents, especially directly to my child instead of to me.
I did offer help once recently to a beleaguered mom whose 1 year old was screaming his head off as she was finally near the end of the hour long line to vote. I offered her a sealed juice box and crackers without letting the baby see them, which seemed to help. I'm not saying we shouldn't try to help each other, but unwanted "advice" about how you're screwing up as a parent and interference in your authority over your child is not help.
Kim
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/19/2008 12:26:33 AM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2059
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kburrow
I did offer help once recently to a beleaguered mom whose 1 year old was screaming his head off as she was finally near the end of the hour long line to vote. I offered her a sealed juice box and crackers without letting the baby see them, which seemed to help. I'm not saying we shouldn't try to help each other, but unwanted "advice" about how you're screwing up as a parent and interference in your authority over your child is not help.
Kim
Wow that was great! I have seen situations where that has happened and always wanted to offer to take a child so the other could be dealt with, but have always been too afraid to because of the possible reaction. But I have seen moms in the grocery store and in other places who were having bad days with their kids and told them that I was sorry they were having a bad day and that I knew where they were coming from. But usually I have only done that if they had been putting up with the looks and staring of other people around them. Sometimes I think that make it worse on the mom. I mean, here you have kid who aren't behaving, and you may not be in the best place in your head and then you KNOW that people are staring at you because you at least feel out of control.
I really feel bad for moms because we do put up with alot from other people in public places. Our kids are not going to be perfect all of the time and unfortunately we can't control whether or not they choose to act out or disobey you in public or in the privacy of your own home. We all have bad days, and that particular day, mine was actually going pretty good at the time. My daughter did something she wasn't supposed to, I quickly corrected her and she listened. That is the way it is supposed to go. Now, I was lucky that day because at home, she probably would have screamed at me or told me off.
As far as I am concerned, we all need to watch out for eachother and we shouldn't ever have to put up with that from others we don't know. But there is a fine line there and it is hard whether or not to know which side of the line you are on.
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RE: Nosy Woman in Store - 11/19/2008 8:48:13 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3569
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
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When I see a mom that is really having a bad day, I sometimes ask then if they could use a hand/some help. I assure them that I too know how it is when a child is having a bad day, but that they grow up way too fast.
If I think that I could provide information that might help I always try to say it without their child hearing it (ex: Those cookies are free so if you want them to have one it is ok.") If I can't tell the parent without the child hearing then I don't say anything.
When I worked at a grocery store, I would tell the child, "Thank you for bringing it back. Your parents are teaching you well." That way I am backing up whatever the parent said or did even though I don't know for sure what that was. Pointing a child back to their parents is always a good idea.
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Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
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Someone called DCFS on her because she was correcting her children in a store and she reached out to grab her daughter so she didn't knock over a display. Now that was scary.
Mart, parents would do this quite often. I never really knew what to say. I would just say thank you and take the item that was handed to me. Some parents were fine with that and others would get upset at me. Really, it's kind of a no-win situation for the cashier.