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Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 11:19:13 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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I just ran across something interesting in my reading... Most of us know that we carry hidden agendas and expectations into relationships and marriages, and this is a leading cause of that "something is missing" feeling. One reason that spouses disappoint and anger us is because we keep insisting that they love us "unconditionally". The truth is, they can't. It's true that some come closer than others, but no person can rise completely above their own needs and wants in order to totally meet ours. But that's sometimes the deep desire and hidden agenda many of us carry across the threshold as we enter marriage. Our vague feeling of "something is missing" fuels a kind of "fill-me-up" fantasy. It's as if we expect marriage to be a long stop at a gas station where each empty spouse expects the other to do the filling.
Some "hidden agendas" might be "everyone must love me", "the house should be peaceful when I come home from work", "Sundays are family-togetherness time" etc.
What hidden agendas do you see that could damage relationships? Do you think that these expectations come from our families, from the media, or from somewhere else? How do you talk about these hidden agendas during the dating/engagement stage? Should they be completely disregarded, or should the couple try to meet each others' expectations?
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<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 11:31:14 AM
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Psalms274
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A hidden agenda is only hidden if you keep it to yourself. I would not enter into a marriage without many, many talks about hopes, dreams and expectations in every area of the marriage. If you cannot be completely transparent before entering into a lifelong commitment, you should not be entering into it.
I am sure many do keep those hidden agendas and suffer the consequences later on ... but I will be completely transparent and expect the same. I do want that unconditional love ... and I do believe it is possible when both are broken before Christ and allow Him to love through you. I also feel if I keep anything hidden, I will always wonder if they "knew this about me" would they feel the same. So it is wise to as you get closer and closer to making that commitment, to be honest about everything that concerns you ... which means being honest enough with yourself to understand what your expectations are ...
My 2 cents ...
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 1:13:32 PM
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makarizo
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when I think of the phrase "hidden agenda" I think of a manipulative tool to accomplish some secret goal, and manipulation is never a good thing. but neither is complete and total transparency. - there is a reason that GOd put skin on Adam and Eve.
So expecting hidden agendas is the wrong approach. dwelling on them makes them exist even if the really don't. (i think therefore I feel) & can cause an empty feeling that really doesnt need to be there.
This might not make any sense to you (but I will try)........If we go out, and I order the special - which happens to be fish, It doesn't mean that fish is my favorite food, it doesn't mean I am catholic, it doesn't mean I am cheap because I got the special, it doesn't mean I secretly want you to make fish for me sometime, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you because you got a ribeye.
even in that tiny scene, (been there, done that) the opportunity to assume, fill in blanks, speculate, find a hidden agenda is there for the taking, if you make a giant assumption about me without talking to me about it, i become a victim.
quote:
Our vague feeling of "something is missing" fuels a kind of "fill-me-up" fantasy. It's as if we expect marriage to be a long stop at a gas station where each empty spouse expects the other to do the filling.
amen... a great big cognitive distortion.
I think some hidden agendas come from fear. I think they are habits that are formed very naturally , and to some degree at a subconscious level, maybe stemming from a low self esteem.
lots of direct intentional love, and communication fixes this, but ignoring them will kill a relationship.
we don't need to be totally transparent, but we do need to be willing to share
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 1:48:31 PM
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Focusing
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quote:
Do you think that these expectations come from our families, from the media, or from somewhere else?
Yes. All of the above.
For example, you meet someone you like. Others start asking "How serious are you?" You are dating someone, others start asking "When are you getting married?" You get married, others start asking "When's the first baby going to arrive?"
Oftentimes, people are asking these questions, and while there are clearly certain stages of relationship ... meeting, dating, engagement, marriage, family ... it places pressure on others to "perform" to meet these expectations, and I think if we are not careful, guarding our hearts and minds, that it creates an expectation within us by us, and that is not healthy.
Whatever happened to taking the time to get to know someone slowly without rushing along to the next step? Maybe the next step is to just continue getting to know each other over a long period of time ...
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How do you talk about these hidden agendas during the dating/engagement stage?
Good question. All I can say is we need to express our expectations to each other as we feel comfortable. It's important not to push the other by demanding an answer. To me, that is a yellow flag. Love is patient. If you have a question, and it's important for you to know, you need to ask. You cannot expect the other person to reveal something if you don't ask. No assumptions allowed. That equates to a huge breach of communication.
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Should they be completely disregarded, or should the couple try to meet each others' expectations?
It depends what the expectation is. If one of you wants children and the other doesn't ... that's not something that can be disregarded. Okay, that's obviously a huge one. But seriously, it is important to meet the spiritual and emotional needs of one another, and through the dating process, we get a good idea whether the other person has the ability to do so or not. Through communicating with each other, we learn whether they pay attention to what we say, if they learn what is important to us, if they are able to tune into our feelings/emotions.
Are they there for us when we need them? IMO, that's one of the most important expectations ... and if the answer to that question is no, it's a deal breaker.
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Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 1:55:54 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Psalms274
A hidden agenda is only hidden if you keep it to yourself. I would not enter into a marriage without many, many talks about hopes, dreams and expectations in every area of the marriage. If you cannot be completely transparent before entering into a lifelong commitment, you should not be entering into it.
I am sure many do keep those hidden agendas and suffer the consequences later on ... but I will be completely transparent and expect the same. I do want that unconditional love ... and I do believe it is possible when both are broken before Christ and allow Him to love through you. I also feel if I keep anything hidden, I will always wonder if they "knew this about me" would they feel the same. So it is wise to as you get closer and closer to making that commitment, to be honest about everything that concerns you ... which means being honest enough with yourself to understand what your expectations are ...
My 2 cents ...
I was listening to one of my pastors talk about marriage recently and one of the things that stood out was when he talked about there being no "surprises" in his marriage. He and his bride came from similar homes where things were done in a smiliar fashion. It would be extremely difficult to find a person who had a similar home life to our own. They probably didn't have to sit down and talk about what they expected in their marriage... they just did it, and it fit. Today, like you said, we need to have lengthy conversations about these things.
quote:
ORIGINAL: makarizo
when I think of the phrase "hidden agenda" I think of a manipulative tool to accomplish some secret goal, and manipulation is never a good thing. but neither is complete and total transparency. - there is a reason that GOd put skin on Adam and Eve.
You're right in that manipulation is never a good thing. Perhaps this should've been worded as "Hidden Expectations". Sometimes, these expectations are hidden from everyone, including ourselves. I remember that with the last guy I was dating, I would get aggravated but I wasn't sure why. It was simple... my expectation was different from his expectation. Our expectations were way off and so the relationship didn't last.
quote:
So expecting hidden agendas is the wrong approach. dwelling on them makes them exist even if the really don't. (i think therefore I feel) & can cause an empty feeling that really doesnt need to be there. This might not make any sense to you (but I will try)........If we go out, and I order the special - which happens to be fish, It doesn't mean that fish is my favorite food, it doesn't mean I am catholic, it doesn't mean I am cheap because I got the special, it doesn't mean I secretly want you to make fish for me sometime, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you because you got a ribeye.
even in that tiny scene, (been there, done that) the opportunity to assume, fill in blanks, speculate, find a hidden agenda is there for the taking, if you make a giant assumption about me without talking to me about it, i become a victim.
I like how you put that. There are some things we don't need to dwell on. [On a different level] I'm a perfectionist. I can either become a victim because I'm a perfectionist, or I can take that knowledge to help me to rise above it. In your fish example, that's a preference. You just want to have fish... there's nothing behind your choice. I think that sometimes we do read too much into what people are saying/doing. If a husband comes home and his dinner isn't cooked, he might assume that she doesn't care about him, that she puts her own needs above her own, etc. It could be that she had other things that truly were more important, like her mother's failing health.
quote:
quote:
Our vague feeling of "something is missing" fuels a kind of "fill-me-up" fantasy. It's as if we expect marriage to be a long stop at a gas station where each empty spouse expects the other to do the filling.
amen... a great big cognitive distortion.
I think some hidden agendas come from fear. I think they are habits that are formed very naturally , and to some degree at a subconscious level, maybe stemming from a low self esteem.
lots of direct intentional love, and communication fixes this, but ignoring them will kill a relationship.
we don't need to be totally transparent, but we do need to be willing to share
Amen.
_____________________________
<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 2:14:01 PM
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humbleinspirit
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Hmmm, the only hidden agenda that I think that could be hurtful to a marriage is going into it with the idea that you will be able to change the other person.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/15/2008 7:06:00 PM
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twinkly
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See, I do not believe that love is unconditional in a relationship. My love, my trust, my respect is based on the CONDITIONS that my partner will do the same. My love is based on the condition that I can trust my partner, that partner will treat me with respect, will and does love me,etc. If my love were UNconditional, I would love my partner even if they broke my trust, did not love me back, did not respect me, etc. And that, for me, and I think for many if they are honest, is simply not the truth.
I mean, some may still love their partners no matter what happens in their relationships, now matter how horrible it is, but I do not think that is very healthy. For me, personally, through each infidelity, through each verbally abusive remark, through each physical threat, etc, my love dwindled away to nothing. KWIM?
As far as hidden agendas.... That is a good question.
I think we all have thoughts and hopes and expectations. And yes they can be based on what we saw in our families and growing up. Unfortunately, my thoughts on marriage was based on my parents who ended up divorcing, but before separating they lived separate lives in separate rooms, etc. Had their own money and accounts, each paid certain bills. I grew up thinking that was totally normal and ok to do in a marriage and thus, had a horrible blue print for what one should be. And I learned that the hard way. I think my thoughts and "agendas" are much different now!
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:12:03 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: twinkly
See, I do not believe that love is unconditional in a relationship. My love, my trust, my respect is based on the CONDITIONS that my partner will do the same. My love is based on the condition that I can trust my partner, that partner will treat me with respect, will and does love me,etc. If my love were UNconditional, I would love my partner even if they broke my trust, did not love me back, did not respect me, etc. And that, for me, and I think for many if they are honest, is simply not the truth.
I mean, some may still love their partners no matter what happens in their relationships, now matter how horrible it is, but I do not think that is very healthy. For me, personally, through each infidelity, through each verbally abusive remark, through each physical threat, etc, my love dwindled away to nothing. KWIM?
Excellent point.
Romantic love is as much a decision as an emotion. Almost everything humans do is conditional (Excluding perhaps the love of a parent for a child, but I know some relationships where even that love was destroyed)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:14:51 AM
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OneJohn410
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Hmmm, the only hidden agenda that I think that could be hurtful to a marriage is going into it with the idea that you will be able to change the other person.
I'm with Humble on this one, yet at the moment add this to it...
if both Jack and Jill are totally transparent about things before they are married, there's a hurtful hidden expectation that how you feel yourself changing is not going to be able to be shared because it was so wonderful you agreed on it at the start.
Everything may be just totally God-blessedly awesome, yet you may feel s/he may not be able to change with you as well. You have an hidden expectation that they will not be able to, and so communication closes down on something you were both so in agreement with at the start.
You know s/he has felt and always will likely feel strongly about this, and so all kinds of mess flood in to your relationship because you don't want to lose it.
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For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:15:48 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: makarizo
when I think of the phrase "hidden agenda" I think of a manipulative tool to accomplish some secret goal, and manipulation is never a good thing. but neither is complete and total transparency. - there is a reason that GOd put skin on Adam and Eve.
For the life of me I cannot think of any reason to not be totally transparent with your spouse. I agree with Psalms. If you can't be transparent, don't get married.
It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets from each other, and those secrets always serve as a point of stress and possible heartache.
The bible says that when two are married they become one flesh. Does your left half of your brain keep secrets from the right half? Do your feet hide things from your hands? Of course not. So how could someone justify hiding something from their spouse? (Exception being short term surprise b-day and Christmas type plans)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:19:32 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
What hidden agendas do you see that could damage relationships? Do you think that these expectations come from our families, from the media, or from somewhere else? How do you talk about these hidden agendas during the dating/engagement stage? Should they be completely disregarded, or should the couple try to meet each others' expectations?
I try to be completely transparent in every romantic, or potentially romantic relationship (at the appropriate stage and time of course). My list is public, my expectations are mostly widely known. I figured those who dislike the requirements (or me for that matter) are just self-filtering themselves out.
M and I had some secrets. Or I had some from her. Things held back out of kindness at first and then forced to be held back due to her emotional frailty at times. Little things that could easily have been cleared up grew into huge monster issues that couldn't be resolved this side of heaven.
That's one reason why I believe in total honesty and transparency.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:27:22 AM
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OneJohn410
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Total transparency then... no matter who is changing against their original 'revelation'. Humble and I are both thnking there's going to be changes to that original transparency as the relationship progresses, and not necessarily an agreement that both parties are going to be in accord.
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/16/2008 12:28:02 AM
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Ninjaearth
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Given the characteristics (not definition) of love in 1 Corinthians 13, it's safe to say that love has no hidden agendas. I agree with the posts above that expressed that transparency is important and is needed. So much more, though, is sacrifice, living to give love, to your self to another person, to aid and serve that person, in general. Living for others and not for self; that requires no hidden motives or agendas on the part of the person. The most difficult part, of course, is actually doing this. It does take work and time, but it can be done. When it comes to relationships, I do believe it is better to just be open and transparent as much as possible (gradually over time as both parties get used to each other) prior to marriage. That way, it's nothing but healthy to discuss everything; but in reality, it's always difficult to tell someone everything. Nevertheless, unconditional love is the standard for everything and should definitely be sought by everyone. (1 Cor 14:1a)
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 6:15:12 AM
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twinkly
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You MUST have total transparency in a marriage or a relationship that is leading to marriage. Ask anyone who has been divorced and they will tell you that their partner (or they) were NOT completely transparent and that lead to huge issues.
You HAVE to be. That is part of being in a trusting and committed relationship. If you feel you cannot be totally transparent then you have something to hide and you have no business even thinking of marriage or a serious relationship.
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Come and join the 2009 BODY REVIVAL thread!
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 6:16:45 AM
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twinkly
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John O, I feel my love for my children is unconditional BUT I can think of a few things that would put an awful strain on that love and possibly turn that around.
The only one who has unconditional love is God for US.
_____________________________
Our bodies are the temple of the Lord, let us starting treating them as such!
Come and join the 2009 BODY REVIVAL thread!
http://forums.crosswalk.com/fb.aspx?m=4073599
The Body Revival recipe thread is in the "Home and Garden" forum
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 7:45:51 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: twinkly
You MUST have total transparency in a marriage or a relationship that is leading to marriage. Ask anyone who has been divorced and they will tell you that their partner (or they) were NOT completely transparent and that lead to huge issues.
You HAVE to be. That is part of being in a trusting and committed relationship. If you feel you cannot be totally transparent then you have something to hide and you have no business even thinking of marriage or a serious relationship.
I agree! See, this is the reason I started this thread... I've seen marriages suffer because the two still wanted to be INDIVIDUALS not a COUPLE. Won't work.
quote:
The bible says that when two are married they become one flesh. Does your left half of your brain keep secrets from the right half? Do your feet hide things from your hands? Of course not. So how could someone justify hiding something from their spouse? (Exception being short term surprise b-day and Christmas type plans)
I really like this!! As long as two people are being individuals, they're working separately.
Transparency isn't easy... I know because I struggle with this and am just beginning to see where it is rooted. The root cause appears to be shame. "If he/she finds this out about me, I will face rejection". Yes, you might, but isn't it better they at least know this about you? I mean, you can put oil in the car, but unless it gets to the vital parts, the engine will seize up. Let the oil flow, even if there are impurities. Better for some impurities than none at all.
_____________________________
<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 8:21:30 AM
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Prairiehiker
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I had been thinking about this since the thread was posted.
I've heard so often from people that have been married for a long time that you never really get to know everything about the person they marry. It's true. THere's always something to know, even if the couple has been married 1 year or 50 years. In a good marriage, people should not expect that you've known everything about your partner before you get married because you'll never know everything. YOu will feel deceived if you carry this attitude.
People are multi layers. Relationships has a way of bringing into the surface the things that we don't even know exist within us. Some of our baggage doesn't come up until we come across some situations. Good relationships make allowances for those revelations as we learn to relate to each other. People also grow. The person you marry might be a lot different 20 years from now. We need to expect those in relationships and learn to adapt to each other's growth. It doesn't mean we aren't being transparent or have hidden agendas. Relationships has to be able to withstand these kinds of changes and revelations.
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Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 6:49:20 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: makarizo
when I think of the phrase "hidden agenda" I think of a manipulative tool to accomplish some secret goal, and manipulation is never a good thing. but neither is complete and total transparency. - there is a reason that GOd put skin on Adam and Eve.
For the life of me I cannot think of any reason to not be totally transparent with your spouse. I agree with Psalms. If you can't be transparent, don't get married.
It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets from each other, and those secrets always serve as a point of stress and possible heartache.
The bible says that when two are married they become one flesh. Does your left half of your brain keep secrets from the right half? Do your feet hide things from your hands? Of course not. So how could someone justify hiding something from their spouse? (Exception being short term surprise b-day and Christmas type plans)
I agree with John here. Anything can be shared. It is how we share it that matters most.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 6:56:09 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 4249
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: twinkly
See, I do not believe that love is unconditional in a relationship. My love, my trust, my respect is based on the CONDITIONS that my partner will do the same. My love is based on the condition that I can trust my partner, that partner will treat me with respect, will and does love me,etc. If my love were UNconditional, I would love my partner even if they broke my trust, did not love me back, did not respect me, etc. And that, for me, and I think for many if they are honest, is simply not the truth.
I mean, some may still love their partners no matter what happens in their relationships, now matter how horrible it is, but I do not think that is very healthy. For me, personally, through each infidelity, through each verbally abusive remark, through each physical threat, etc, my love dwindled away to nothing. KWIM?
Excellent point.
Romantic love is as much a decision as an emotion. Almost everything humans do is conditional (Excluding perhaps the love of a parent for a child, but I know some relationships where even that love was destroyed)
I disagree with you here John. Conditional, meaning that the person has some alterior motive for doing something. I will do this if you....
This is not how I do things.....In my marriage it was I love you period. I got absolutely nothing out of caring for my husbands every need while he was dying, other than the great joy of knowing that I loved him unconditionally and cherished him enough to do all of it myself and not pass the work onto someone else that would not be able to cherish him as I did. I am not perfect....I only did it by the grace God gave me for each day, but I did do it unconditionally.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 8:32:32 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8040
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Romantic love is as much a decision as an emotion. Almost everything humans do is conditional (Excluding perhaps the love of a parent for a child, but I know some relationships where even that love was destroyed)
I disagree with you here John. Conditional, meaning that the person has some alterior motive for doing something. I will do this if you....
This is not how I do things.....In my marriage it was I love you period. I got absolutely nothing out of caring for my husbands every need while he was dying, other than the great joy of knowing that I loved him unconditionally and cherished him enough to do all of it myself and not pass the work onto someone else that would not be able to cherish him as I did. I am not perfect....I only did it by the grace God gave me for each day, but I did do it unconditionally.
OK lets look at another situation which is very hard for most people who have good mates to envision.
Your husband cheats on you. The first time he says it was an accident and he seems repentant. Then it happens again. You forgive him but it keeps on happening. Eventually he doesn't even make any excuses. He remains married to you simply because it is more convenient for him.
Do you continue to romantically love him? I'd guess not. Romantic love needs some attraction to exist and by this time he would have killed any attraction you had for him. Is it possible to romantically love someone who's very image or name fills you with pain and disgust?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 8:41:33 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3282
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I agree with John and whoever else says that relationships are very conditional. Wedding vows are reciprocal with each party promising to love, cherish and honor each other (or something similar). If only one can make those vows, do you think there will be any marriages at all? Most likely not many.
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Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 9:35:28 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 4249
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Romantic love is as much a decision as an emotion. Almost everything humans do is conditional (Excluding perhaps the love of a parent for a child, but I know some relationships where even that love was destroyed)
I disagree with you here John. Conditional, meaning that the person has some alterior motive for doing something. I will do this if you....
This is not how I do things.....In my marriage it was I love you period. I got absolutely nothing out of caring for my husbands every need while he was dying, other than the great joy of knowing that I loved him unconditionally and cherished him enough to do all of it myself and not pass the work onto someone else that would not be able to cherish him as I did. I am not perfect....I only did it by the grace God gave me for each day, but I did do it unconditionally.
OK lets look at another situation which is very hard for most people who have good mates to envision.
Your husband cheats on you. The first time he says it was an accident and he seems repentant. Then it happens again. You forgive him but it keeps on happening. Eventually he doesn't even make any excuses. He remains married to you simply because it is more convenient for him.
Do you continue to romantically love him? I'd guess not. Romantic love needs some attraction to exist and by this time he would have killed any attraction you had for him. Is it possible to romantically love someone who's very image or name fills you with pain and disgust?
Touche'
I would find it hard to forgive and forget after the first occasion, though I think I would make the attempt. After the second, I would consider the marriage covenant broken and not repairable. I could not stay. So, Yes, once the marriage covenant is broken. Unconditional love no longer applies.
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RE: Hidden Agendas in Relationships - 11/17/2008 10:12:16 PM
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makarizo
Posts: 2997
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
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ORIGINAL: makarizo
when I think of the phrase "hidden agenda" I think of a manipulative tool to accomplish some secret goal, and manipulation is never a good thing. but neither is complete and total transparency. - there is a reason that GOd put skin on Adam and Eve.
For the life of me I cannot think of any reason to not be totally transparent with your spouse. I agree with Psalms. If you can't be transparent, don't get married.
It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets from each other, and those secrets always serve as a point of stress and possible heartache.
The bible says that when two are married they become one flesh. Does your left half of your brain keep secrets from the right half? Do your feet hide things from your hands? Of course not. So how could someone justify hiding something from their spouse? (Exception being short term surprise b-day and Christmas type plans)
I agree with John here. Anything can be shared. It is how we share it that matters most.
quote:
makarizo:
I think some hidden agendas come from fear. I think they are habits that are formed very naturally , and to some degree at a subconscious level, maybe stemming from a low self esteem. .
was jonO disagreeing with me?
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