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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/17/2008 7:23:21 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 323
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prov2717ironsharpens
child support has been delinquent and you know the Courts don't play. These are some of the things he's gone through. Now I know I'm not always perfect when it comes to paying all of my bills on time especially in today's economy; however, this has been an ongoing pattern for him and this inconsistency is very troubling and unsettling. It makes me wonder, what does this mean for my future, will I be the one carrying us while he's trying to figure it out, will my finances be effected if he gets delinquent in his childsupport. I'm thinking "oh heck no."
He can't keep consistant support for his kids?! Oh heck no is right. You gave him 4 years to get it together. If he doesn't care about regular support for his kids, forget it in my book.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/17/2008 10:41:50 PM
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prov2717ironsharpens
Posts: 16
Joined: 11/14/2008
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Yes, this relationship does have too too many red flags and I feel stuck.
quote:
Yeah, you got it. You see the whole picture. It's hard because no matter what you choose, you lose something or perceive that you'll lose something. Write down what those things are; it will help make it clearer to you.
I will write down what i think I'll loose or gain. I believe this will smack me even more in my face.
quote:
OK, he has reality problems. He doesn't tell the truth, but actually he sounds like the people who are trapped in a gambling addiction.
deermousie, I'd like to hear more about how you believe he has a gambling addiction. It sounds like you believe he has an addiciton to fantasy. I'm not sure.
I wonder if you guys are thinking this girl is really stupid. It's written on the wall and she doesn't see it. I know, if I were reading my story, I'd like I was simple too. I really just want to get the nerve to follow through with this. What keeps me stuck?
I do appreciate the honest feedback from you all regarding my dilemna. Some of your comments were piercing but I need the sting to get my attention. quote:
Sorry, but I think you need to get off the elevator before it's stuck in the basement.
Oh and he's 53 years old.  My kids are all grown but two still live at home in college.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/17/2008 11:24:11 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 767
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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Until he is on firmer ground -
spiritually first and foremost - followed closely
by emotional stability and gainfully employed...
I wouldn't continue the engagement.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 12:07:49 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
Status: offline
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quote:
I wonder if you guys are thinking this girl is really stupid.
I don't think you're stupid. I've been there. I completely understand about the hope you feel when he talks about the future and it being better, like deermousie said about the gambler ... the next time will be IT!
And you have that emotional involvement. You really do want him to do well. Acknowledging that he is not "all that" in a relationship with you is not the same thing as saying he's a complete loser with no good qualities. From my own personal experience, and believe me it was a long road, I really wanted the best for my ex. He really did have some good qualities. The problem was, there just wasn't enough give in the give-and-take that a good relationship requires.
quote:
What keeps me stuck?
It's hard. Been there. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of soul searching to move out of a relationship you have been involved in for a while. And it sounds like you are in really deep. It takes strength to pull yourself up out of the quicksand. You have to get your grounding and be prepared for the manipulative (for a lack of any other gentler way to say it) onslaught to keep you from leaving.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
When the time is right, God will be there. Trust in Him and take refuge in Him.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 10:54:40 AM
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prov2717ironsharpens
Posts: 16
Joined: 11/14/2008
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I need you all to pray for me in 30 min. because I'm meeting him to break up. I'm nervous, teary and anxious but I know this is what I need to do. You know people don't act too favorably to things like this and I am a little nervous about how he's going to take it because he always talks about not having anyone in his life. His brother and sister have ostracized him after their father died. I think it has something to do with money. Go figure. He always says he is an orphan and has no family and I'm the only one which is a huge burden to put on me to perform to a level I'm not capable of. I am a little nervous. Please pray for me.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 11:06:01 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
Status: offline
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Father, thank You for all that You are in our lives ... our Comforter, our Healer, our solid Rock, and our place of refuge. This morning, I ask that You be with prov2717ironsharpens as she meets with her fiance. Hold her up and be her Strength. Amen.
Know you are being prayed for throughout the day and the days to come.
(((prov2717ironsharpens)))
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 1:11:23 PM
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delete123
Posts: 988
Joined: 6/1/2005
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Will be praying
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 4:56:33 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
Status: offline
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Still praying ...
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 6:02:54 PM
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delete123
Posts: 988
Joined: 6/1/2005
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How are you? I am still praying for you and hope all is well!
((((((prov2717ironsharpen)))))))
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/18/2008 10:58:49 PM
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nowalive
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Atlanta area
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I have been reading and reading through this thread. I am in a similar situation, not quite as dramatic as yours, but still five yrs in a rollercoaster relationship. We have eneded it several times only to get back together. I always ask myself why do I do it.
prov2717ironsharpens, after reading your difficult story and praying, you have actually helped me step up and do the right thing and terminate my relationship. It is very hard for me too and I know what you are going through. If I had not read your thread, I very well would be in the same rut for some time. See how God can use our troubles to help people that we have never met?
_____________________________
Mercy- Not getting what we do deserve.
Grace- Getting what we don't deserve.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 11:18:01 AM
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prov2717ironsharpens
Posts: 16
Joined: 11/14/2008
Status: offline
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I'm here guys. I'm here. Yesterday was difficult but freeing at first. He was cold about the breakup and sort of dismissed me and said well I have to go to work. That's how it was ended. Since then, he has called me 9 times and left two voicemail messages. I will not take his calls. I can't talk right now. I don't need his voice to cloud my thoughts or make me second-guess my decision. I'm already doing that myself.
When I felt strong, I had to end it. I know the Lord has more for my life and settling for someone else's slothfulness when this is not something I allow for myself was and is unacceptable. I had to and continue to ask myself "why did you let this go on for this long? What is it about you that allowed you to talk yourself out of what was obvious for so many years? Why don't you think you deserve better? Why don't you feel it's okay to hold other's accountable especially when their irresponsible actions effect you?" I have been asking myself these questions and not quite coming to too many definitive answers.
I have and continue to moment by moment encourage myself in the Lord. The Lord has so much for my life and wants to bless me abundantly. He wants to set me back on that right path again so He can accomplish His will for my life. Yes, I got sidetracked, yes I made my fiance a god, yes I stopped praying as much, yes I stopped reading my word as much, yes I allowed certain actions and habits to creep into my life oh so subtly. I'm sorry Lord, and as I type this I bust out into tears. This hurts so darn much and I'm angry too. I'm angry I lost sight of the Lord and my needs. I'm also angry that I feel lonely, sad, angry, vascillating between emotions and that this is distracting me almost every minute. One minute anxious, next minute sad, next minute reassured of the decision, next minute second-guessing the decision, next minute relieved, next minute knowing what God wants for me, next minute second-guessing what God wants for me, angry, etc. I NEED TO SCREAM AND KEEP BUSY.
He doesn't deserve me and I am glad I am choosing to see that there is a better way of living. I am tired of being a prisoner of someone else's unrealistic expectations. I want to be free!
Today, I'm sad and ****ed off! I pray tomorrow I feel happy.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 11:28:02 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
Status: offline
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quote:
The Lord has so much for my life and wants to bless me abundantly.
Amen!
quote:
I'm angry I lost sight of the Lord
God uses every opportunity He can for His glory.
((( prov2717ironsharpens )))
quote:
I pray tomorrow I feel happy.
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Lord, thank You for being with my sister yesterday. Please continue to be with her during this time, giving her the strength she needs ... Your strength. Amen.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 12:48:38 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prov2717ironsharpens
I'm here guys. I'm here. Yesterday was difficult but freeing at first. He was cold about the breakup and sort of dismissed me and said well I have to go to work.
Good for you, Prov2717ironsharpens! It was hard and you did it! It's like you eyed a tall wall, thought about it, gathered your strength, and jumped it like a champ! Ps. 18:29
Yes, it hurts. You just tore yourself out of a situation you've been in for 4+ years, and you've ripped some roots out. Live minute by minute, and reaffirm the rightness of what you did as often as your bruised heart needs to hear it. It's a kind of death, and you have to grieve it. Let yourself, but don't try to resusitate the corpse. It didn't work before and won't work later.
quote:
He was cold about the breakup and sort of dismissed me
Wow, he was really worried about your well-being and state of heart, wasn't he? Kinda like he worries about the kids he doesn't feed, clothe and love on...
quote:
That's how it was ended. Since then, he has called me 9 times and left two voicemail messages. I will not take his calls.
Good! Either he's going to beg (because it's what HE wants, not what you need) or he'll apologize (unlikely, with the track record of not caring he has) and that can always wait. In your place I would not talk to him in any way for at least a year.
quote:
I can't talk right now. I don't need his voice to cloud my thoughts or make me second-guess my decision. I'm already doing that myself.
That's why you need to remind yourself of the facts: he doesn't support his kids (God says he's worse than an unbeliever), he says he had no one but you (his kids would be thrilled to hear that one) so he's a manipulator and a liar, he can't hold a job, he wouldn't get a job to support you so he could marry you. He's worse than an unbeliever - unequal yoking. God forbids it. When you broke off the relationship, he was cold and dismissive - his first thought was to protect himself, and he didn't care that you were hurt.
You're far better off than the woman who bore his children...
quote:
When I felt strong, I had to end it. I know the Lord has more for my life and settling for someone else's slothfulness when this is not something I allow for myself was and is unacceptable. I had to and continue to ask myself "why did you let this go on for this long? What is it about you that allowed you to talk yourself out of what was obvious for so many years? Why don't you think you deserve better? Why don't you feel it's okay to hold other's accountable especially when their irresponsible actions effect you?" I have been asking myself these questions and not quite coming to too many definitive answers.
The nightmare is over. You woke up and you're looking around and putting things in their proper place. His proper place is out of your life.
quote:
I have and continue to moment by moment encourage myself in the Lord. The Lord has so much for my life and wants to bless me abundantly. He wants to set me back on that right path again so He can accomplish His will for my life.
Right on. Yes yes yes.
quote:
Yes, I got sidetracked, yes I made my fiance a god,
Wooooo! Way to bull'seye, Prov2717ironsharpens!
To confess is to say the same thing, and God says we sin and we say (and name) the sin. And turn away from it. This is exactly what God calls us to do, and you did it. Your hurting heart will heal, and your walk with God will bring blessing and freedom forever.
quote:
yes I stopped praying as much, yes I stopped reading my word as much, yes I allowed certain actions and habits to creep into my life oh so subtly. I'm sorry Lord, and as I type this I bust out into tears.
True repentence and remorse. It's God's way, and you're doing it right.(((Prov2717ironsharpens))) It won't always hurt, so be strong in the Lord, get back into your Bible and praying and rejoice the ball and chain has been removed from your leg. You're free! He has made you free, praise God!
quote:
This hurts so darn much and I'm angry too. I'm angry I lost sight of the Lord and my needs. I'm also angry that I feel lonely, sad, angry, vascillating between emotions and that this is distracting me almost every minute. One minute anxious, next minute sad, next minute reassured of the decision, next minute second-guessing the decision, next minute relieved, next minute knowing what God wants for me, next minute second-guessing what God wants for me, angry, etc. I NEED TO SCREAM AND KEEP BUSY.
Scream, keep busy, maybe tape up cards around the house to remind you why this was good to do (because if you're like me, you'll need lots of reminding), and remember to thank God for releasing you from a bad situation.
quote:
He doesn't deserve me and I am glad I am choosing to see that there is a better way of living. I am tired of being a prisoner of someone else's unrealistic expectations. I want to be free!
I've got tears in my eyes for your pain, and I'm doing backflips for your restored relationship with God. You chose God over this guy, and you're doing it right. You are a prisoner of no one but Christ, and that is freedom indeed.
quote:
Today, I'm sad and ****ed off! I pray tomorrow I feel happy.
It could take as long as a year to grieve this and let your emotions go back to where they should be. OK, so a year from now, you'll be fine and glad you did it. Beats being with him a year from now. And meanwhile fight the dying flames of a fire that has been extinguished, and rejoice they're going away. Every day they'll be less. Hang in there, and remember to thank God for the marvelous work He has done in you. Your gratitude is a key to your healing.
Today I'm just a name and some words on your monitor; someday we'll meet for real (probably at the foot of the Throne) and we'll hug, laugh and cry together and dance for sheer joy. See ya then, Sis! (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 9:32:58 PM
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MaryJT
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/19/2008
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"Each one is tempted when by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin and sin when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:14-15
Prov2717, your story is a powerful reminder of all the difficulties I used to find myself in. Then one day I realized I was the author of the difficulties and a master of self-deception. The Lord has given me power over my impulses and I recognize what is happening to me long before I get caught in the web I weave for myself.
Today as I wait on the Lord and trust in the plan He has for my life all the drama has mysteriously disappeared. My prayer for you is that you will be strengthed to resist self destructive behaviors and you too will wait on the Lord and trust in the plan He has for your life. I encourage you to evaluate the real reason it is hard for you to sever ties with this man.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 10:08:48 PM
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prov2717ironsharpens
Posts: 16
Joined: 11/14/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
I encourage you to evaluate the real reason it is hard for you to sever ties with this man.
Honestly, I don't want to be alone.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/19/2008 10:16:56 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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That's a good answer.
I wonder if you've ever wondered why you don't want to "be alone".
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/20/2008 11:57:43 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prov2717ironsharpens
Honestly, I don't want to be alone.
Being alone can be difficult. But we are strong in Him ... that is what He wants from us: total dependence upon Him.
You have a road of incredible discovery ahead of you. Yes, there will be times of difficulty, but what you will gain as your walk with the Lord becomes closer will be well worth it!
Please stay and continue posting. You have a wonderful family that is happy to help you as you rise out of the muck!
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. - Psalm 40:2
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/20/2008 1:35:36 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 323
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prov2717ironsharpens
quote:
I encourage you to evaluate the real reason it is hard for you to sever ties with this man.
Honestly, I don't want to be alone.
You also don't want to be with a man who brings you misery or money problems.
I am glad you did what you did and each day you will draw closer to the Lord!
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/21/2008 2:45:12 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2928
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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At 52 years old, his character has already grown up and the fruit that it's bearing isn't good.
I suggest that you ask your grown children to help keep you busy for awhile.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: HOW DO I TELL HIM - 11/21/2008 4:31:14 PM
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prov2717ironsharpens
Posts: 16
Joined: 11/14/2008
Status: offline
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I'm here and this is hard, very hard. He won't stop calling me even as I've asked him to give me space. I did get weak to his convincing me that he is desiring to change. Then woke up yesterday wanting to smacked myself across the face because I'm so gullible to believe it's going to happen this easily and not to give in so quickly. He is so persistent and I fell short at allowing him to disguise what is apparent. He said he would get a full time job but that his business prospects are increasing. I, once again, shared with him my apprehensions about money, his relationship with the Lord, obligations and my security. He seems really afraid about me leaving him and said he would do whatever he needed to do. He said he wanted to get counseling with our pastor or senior mentors regarding this issue. I called the senior mentors and am waiting for a return call.
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