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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 9:47:37 PM
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numbingeffect
Posts: 8
Joined: 10/28/2008
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Truthrevealed,
You inquired why I chose the word "threatened" when sharing with my wife (or something like that).
My response: You misunderstood my reply to the original post. I was stating that if a person is confiding in you with sensitive information then surly they trust you enough for THEM not to feel threatened. They Obviously feel comfortable enough around you to bestow secretive and/or gentle information. I say why prove them wrong? Why gossip about it?
My further rebutal is if I choose to share information concerning my relationship with my wife I certainly will. There will be no mistake about discerning what I am discussing.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/30/2008 11:07:57 PM
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HappilyMarried
Posts: 969
Joined: 7/24/2005
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When someone tells me I can't tell anyone, I always tell them that I tell my husband everything. They all know this and don't care.... because they know he's the type of person that wouldn't tell anything even under torture. LOL
Now, most of the times, it's things he would rather not know, but if he asks me what's going on, I'll tell him.
If it's a guy telling me something that's a secret, I always, always tell my husband.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/31/2008 8:13:45 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 703
Joined: 6/9/2005
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quote:
If it's a guy telling me something that's a secret, I always, always tell my husband.
I don't think I'd want a guy not my husband (or soon to be) telling me secrets that can not be shared. That implies just a bit too much intimacy for me...
I do have a "guy" friend with whom I sometimes talk over uncomfortable / "secret" life issues...but we've known each other 25 years, I'm good friends with his wife, and operate on the presumption that his wife will be told, either by me or him, what we discussed...sometimes a male perspective is needed.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/1/2008 8:56:55 PM
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debarbarac
Posts: 11
Joined: 5/23/2008
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quote:
I don't think I'd want a guy not my husband (or soon to be) telling me secrets that can not be shared. That implies just a bit too much intimacy for me...
That is probably why she always tells her husband, which makes sense. But....
quote:
I do have a "guy" friend with whom I sometimes talk over uncomfortable / "secret" life issues...but we've known each other 25 years, I'm good friends with his wife, and operate on the presumption that his wife will be told, either by me or him, what we discussed...sometimes a male perspective is needed.
How is this any different? It is still not your husband or (soon to be) telling you secrets?
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/1/2008 11:33:45 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1870
Joined: 5/23/2006
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On a social level my spouse and I have no secrets...but on a Professional level I am legally and ethically bound to have private things kept private. She understands and respects the difference.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 6:31:48 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
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Nice distinction between personal and private.
I would add that there are some personal things I don't tell my wife just because it would just be impolite and unnecessarily hurtful. For example, if I'm on a walk with her and another attractive woman walks by, there is no need for me to let her know how attractive I find that other woman. Of course, if I'm finding myself drawn to a coworker or friend in some way, that absolutely is something that needs to be brought into the light with her.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 8:04:07 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8873
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For those of you who always say tell spouse is there a point where professional comes into play. I have spoken at length with my pastor/elders about some issues. They don't tell their wives. I think they probably tell their wives the basics of what's going on but not all the details. In fact, I was talking to one woman abot the situation and she didn't know much and told me her husband (the youth pastor) does not tell her things that he learns because he is an employee of the church because people need to be able to trust him.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 10:11:13 AM
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small_creation
Posts: 355
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: midwest
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
I've made it clear to my friends that I keep no secrets from my spouse ... and that if they share with me, I will be sharing it with him to get his godly advice and his prayers. If my friends don't want to share info with me under these circumstances, they don't.
I have the very same policy. If anyone says, "I've got something to tell you, but you have to keep it quiet," I always tell them back that by telling me, you tell my spouse as well.
j
p.s. Harvie, it takes a special person/s to hold up under the stress of a military marriage. You have my respect.
_____________________________
Pay no mind to me. I'm just a small town hick in fly-over country.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 6:40:28 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 320
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If I learn something from someone in confidence and it does not have some kind of relevance to my wife, I do not repeat it to her.
E.g. A friend of mine asked me for some advice about what to do in regards to a (minor) legal wrong he had done. He told me about it in strict confidence. It had no affect on my wife and so I did not share it with her.
Another example was when I was in a men's accountability group for a while. Everything said in that group was done so with an explicit understanding that it was to be kept confidential. Nothing I heard anyone say there was anything that affected my wife and so again, I did not repeat anything I heard in that group to her.
If I had heard something in either of those two that had been something my wife had a need to know, I would have told her even though it was supposed to be confidential. But I would not have done so lightly. I think unless there is a need to know by my wife, what someone else tells me in confidence I will not repeat to my wife.
Apparently many Christians in those situations would have repeated what they heard to their wives. And felt morally superior for doing so. Frankly, that's pretty disturbing.. I certainly will not be telling any Christian anything private about myself ever again.
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mr tigger
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 9:26:07 PM
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truthrevealed
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Very interesting views. I agree #1 that if a person confides in me and tells me to tell noone, I can be trusted to do so, unless I tell them that I will tell my husband(but that hasn't happened) #2 even if I'm not told "not to tell," some private information is just that (for instance, things that people of the same gender may discuss  ). However, there is a line, (and I can't really articulate where or what it is)where I don't understand, (aside from the afore mentioned,) why someone would be highly upset or offended if I share information with my spouse. There are SOME situations where you may as well consider that you're talking to him if you're talking to me..... and vice-versa.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/2/2008 10:25:44 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1870
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
Another example was when I was in a men's accountability group for a while. Everything said in that group was done so with an explicit understanding that it was to be kept confidential. Nothing I heard anyone say there was anything that affected my wife and so again, I did not repeat anything I heard in that group to her.
I don't think the op mentioned anything like accountability groups. Wasn't it about family members, friends, and people in your social group? I would take an accountability group as a class all of it's own and it certainly has explicit guidelines set from day one about confidential information. I think most people who post here would prob. treat that example very differently.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/3/2008 5:49:00 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 455
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quote:
Another example was when I was in a men's accountability group for a while. Everything said in that group was done so with an explicit understanding that it was to be kept confidential. Nothing I heard anyone say there was anything that affected my wife and so again, I did not repeat anything I heard in that group to her.
What part of "explicit understanding that it was to be kep confdential" don't you understand? Did you tell the other men that you would be telling your wife if there were things said that affected her? Did you at least give them the chance to ask you to leave the group?
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/3/2008 7:11:10 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 703
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
quote:
Another example was when I was in a men's accountability group for a while. Everything said in that group was done so with an explicit understanding that it was to be kept confidential. Nothing I heard anyone say there was anything that affected my wife and so again, I did not repeat anything I heard in that group to her.
What part of "explicit understanding that it was to be kep confdential" don't you understand? Did you tell the other men that you would be telling your wife if there were things said that affected her? Did you at least give them the chance to ask you to leave the group?
Sadey, did you read his whole post? He said he DIDN'T tell anything. He also said that if he felt that he had to tell her, it would be only after careful consideration. To my mind, if a member of a men's accountability group were to say something that directly affected the spouse of another member...then there is a real need for "accountability".
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/3/2008 8:18:05 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 320
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
quote:
Another example was when I was in a men's accountability group for a while. Everything said in that group was done so with an explicit understanding that it was to be kept confidential. Nothing I heard anyone say there was anything that affected my wife and so again, I did not repeat anything I heard in that group to her.
What part of "explicit understanding that it was to be kep confdential" don't you understand? Did you tell the other men that you would be telling your wife if there were things said that affected her? Did you at least give them the chance to ask you to leave the group?
If a man at the group had told me something like he had fantazies of raping my wife, I gaurantee you she would hear about it. And I would be right to do so. Or if he told me he was having sex nightly with his child. I gaurantee the police would hear about that.
Confidentiality is not absolute. There are some situations where the right (or maybe least wrong) thing to do is that it be broken. Particularly if someone else is in danger and needs to be warned or protected.
My However, I find it amazing that I'm getting zinged for this when my experience with Christians is that they are pretty loose with confidences. It would take something very serious for me to break a confidence. Most Christians are pretty flippant about breaking confidences. My standard for keeping private stuff confidential has a lot more integrity than a typical Christian.
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mr tigger
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/3/2008 9:17:18 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 3028
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
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Sometimes I might wonder why someone was confiding in me in particular. Did they expect me to do something about their situation? Where they just venting? Did they want advice?
I my circles I have yet to find a situation where it was so dire that I could not share the information with my spouse.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 11/3/2008 1:32:19 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/25/2007
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quote:
If a man at the group had told me something like he had fantazies of raping my wife, I gaurantee you she would hear about it. And I would be right to do so. Or if he told me he was having sex nightly with his child. I gaurantee the police would hear about that.
Confidentiality is not absolute. There are some situations where the right (or maybe least wrong) thing to do is that it be broken. Particularly if someone else is in danger and needs to be warned or protected.
My However, I find it amazing that I'm getting zinged for this when my experience with Christians is that they are pretty loose with confidences. It would take something very serious for me to break a confidence. Most Christians are pretty flippant about breaking confidences. My standard for keeping private stuff confidential has a lot more integrity than a typical Christian.
I'm not zinging you just pointing out that you were not willing to keep confidentiality. Its a bit of a stretch for someone to confess that he dreams of raping your wife, or he is raping his child. Just because your standard is higher with more integrity "than the typical Christan." doesn't make breaking confidentiality right.
And yes if someone confessed to raping their child in a group, which is highly unlikely, then call the police.
Bye
< Message edited by Sadey -- 11/3/2008 1:40:09 PM >
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 1/3/2009 1:55:05 PM
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debarbarac
Posts: 11
Joined: 5/23/2008
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quote:
Sometimes I might wonder why someone was confiding in me in particular. Did they expect me to do something about their situation? Where they just venting? Did they want advice?
Sometimes people just need someone to listen. Just need to get it off their chest, ya know. They obviously trust you enough to talk about it! Even if I have no idea what to say about what someone is confiding in me, I try to be very supportive and am thankful that they trust me.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 1/3/2009 7:47:49 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/16/2008
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when I am asked to not tell anyone something I always tell them before they tell me that if I can't tell my husband then don't tell me. I don't think any secret should be kept between a husband and a wife, none, I think if you can't tell the other then don't let them tell you. I would expect the same from my husband.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 1/3/2009 8:26:09 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 111
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quote:
I don't think any secret should be kept between a husband and a wife
I disagree.
We actually require all of the participants in our accountability groups to sign a vow of confidentiality that they will not share personal information with anyone outside the group (including their spouse). All of our Elders, who are volunteers, sign a similar vow. I can't imagine why my wife would need to know when someone in my men's group is struggling with pornography or when a staff member from our church is having marital difficulties.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 1/3/2009 9:36:33 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8873
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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I agree that there are some instances when spouses don't know everything or need to know. I expect that pastors and elders will keep certain details to themselves. Their wives may know that so and so is having an issue but not the details.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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