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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 4:26:10 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 703
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If some one has shared private information about themselves with me, I will not reveal it to ANYONE, spouse, etc. without the express permission of the person who shared. This is not the same as keeping a secret from my (hypothetical) spouse. This is NOT my secret to share.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 4:40:21 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 426
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
Does "in confidence" mean that even your spouse is off limits?
Yes, absolutely. There is no need to tell your spouse everything. My husband would not even care to know the things that me and my girlfriends talk about. His eyes would glaze over.
If a secret effects him in some way, I would not keep it from him, but your friends secrets told in confidence, there is no reason he needs to know those.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 4:47:20 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 414
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What if it's personal information but you're NOT told not to tell? Does it change if it's a relative and/or if it's information that might affect the family?
Or, what if it's a friend who is friends of both you and your spouse?
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 4:53:11 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
What if it's personal information but you're NOT told not to tell? Does it change if it's a relative and/or if it's information that might affect the family?
Or, what if it's a friend who is friends of both you and your spouse?
If I am told something that I think others NEED to know, then I would first ask if I could reveal it...if not then it would be a judgment call--how urgent is it that others were told verses the importance of the relationship with the person who confided.
The person who told me something in confidence should not need to tell me not to tell; I won't tell unless they tell me it is OK to tell. It does not matter if the person is friends with the person in whom I might confide--if they want others to know, either they will tell them themselves or tell me its OK to tell.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 7:48:34 PM
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Sadey
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The Lord has shown me that some times when I tell my husband it is gossiping.
That was a novel thought to me.
If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays with me. Telling your husband everything is fine IF and I stress IF, it is about you and your feelings opinions ect ect but not if its about someone else. If you do tell than you are betraying your friend. If you can't keep from telling your husband then let your friend know before she tells you that you will be telling your husband, then she can make the decision.
Its so easy to tell things for the wrong reasons, to tattle, to make your self feel important because you know something no one else knows and to make yourself look better to your husband, as in "I would never do that".
My husband would react exactly like Wild-Rose's, eye glazed over. So I like to spare him 
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/26/2008 11:30:19 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16425
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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I don't want to know huge secrets I am forbidden to tell my husband when it's people well acquainted with my husband too. Of course I don't run to him with every bit of girl talk and things my friends and I talk about. Not only would that be inappropriate, but he doesn't want to hear it. My friends and I feel like those "girl conversations" should remain between us. My husband does not need(or want) to know about some my friends girly issues or questions we've asked each other, and their husbands don't need to know mine! Besides, who wants a friend they can't trust with a few little secrets or personal info?
But, if it's a huge secret, involving sinful behavior such as an affair, or something that is going to affect someone my husband is close to or knows well(such as my best friend's husband), then I don't want to know it if I can't talk to my husband about it. Some secrets can eat you alive and it's asking too much of someone to keep something that huge from their spouse.
It's different if you're bound by confidentiality policies(as I am at times because of some work I do), but I don't want to know heavy things about our friends that I can't talk to my husband about.
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 12:59:32 AM
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nicole318
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When I called my friend and told her some personal things about MY marriage, I let her know that it was okay if she wanted to discuss it with her husband. One - I appreciate the input from a MALE and Two- My friend's husband was not friends with my husband or knew anyone that he knew
If her husband saw mine on a consistent basis I would have asked her to not tell him. You need to ask your friend if it's okay if you get the advice of your husband - maybe you could even offer that your husband & yourself could be a power prayer force... as opposed to just you. And if she insists that it stays private, then your husband should understand.
Bottom line - I feel like your friend should be the judge
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 11:31:31 AM
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truthrevealed
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By the by, I'm not facing this situation myself, but thought it might be a topic with various views.
< Message edited by truthrevealed -- 10/27/2008 12:02:26 PM >
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 2:24:44 PM
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car2ner
Posts: 3028
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From: just north of Florida
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quote:
I've made it clear to my friends that I keep no secrets from my spouse ... and that if they share with me, I will be sharing it with him to get his godly advice and his prayers. If my friends don't want to share info with me under these circumstances, they don't.
We agree with you Harvie, we have let it be known that if M'love or I know something, assume that the other will know as well. We don't keep secrets from each other about ourselves or our friends. Since we let folks know in advance that we don't keep secrets from each other, most friend decide that it is not a problem if we both know. It would be very hard for me if I knew of a situation that concerned me and not be able to discuss it with my spouse.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 3:34:40 PM
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Simway
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If you are told something and those who tell you don't want it passed around, then don't tell anyone encluding your spouse. Remember, the more who know a thing the greater the risks that it will get mentioned sometime , somewhere along the line. It may not be done on purpose, but just a slip of the tongue, but still the information is then out to a third party or more if in a group sitting. So I would say keep it to yourself, and take it to your grave with you. Simway
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 5:32:41 PM
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jlea1982
Posts: 28
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From: Las Vegas, NV
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quote:
ORIGINAL: car2ner
quote:
I've made it clear to my friends that I keep no secrets from my spouse ... and that if they share with me, I will be sharing it with him to get his godly advice and his prayers. If my friends don't want to share info with me under these circumstances, they don't.
We agree with you Harvie, we have let it be known that if M'love or I know something, assume that the other will know as well. We don't keep secrets from each other about ourselves or our friends. Since we let folks know in advance that we don't keep secrets from each other, most friend decide that it is not a problem if we both know. It would be very hard for me if I knew of a situation that concerned me and not be able to discuss it with my spouse.
I completley agree with this as well. It is known that anything that is told to me or my husband will be shared between the two of us. We consider ourselves one so we try to make sure that we have the same information. Whenever someone says they need to tell me something that they don't want anyone to know about I remind them that if they tell me I will be telling my husband, but that it will stay between us.
No one has ever had a problem with it. It is something that we have always maintained. We don't keep anything from each other.
_____________________________
Jessica
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 6:19:11 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16425
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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I think the most important thing is that your friends know where you stand. Don't let them think you are keeping a confidence between just the two of you if you know you're going to share it with your husband. That's a betrayal. If they know in advance(or you tell them at the beginning of a serious conversation) that you don't keep secrets from your spouse, then they can decide if they still want to share or not and they know where they stand. Most of the time, people start off huge secrets with "promise this will stay just between us...", so there's usually a warning that something big is going to be divulged. That's the best time(if it's not already understood) so say "before you say anything, if this is something I have to keep from my husband, then please don't tell me".
I have seriously never had that come up. None of my close friends have ever shared anything huge I had to keep from my husband. Normal private "girl talk" comes up occasionally, which I don't talk to my husband about just because it's unnecessary and inappropriate, but, I've never been asked to keep a secret from my husband.
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 9:17:17 PM
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debarbarac
Posts: 11
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quote:
The Lord has shown me that some times when I tell my husband it is gossiping
I think this is where you have to be careful. I agree in telling my husband everything, but I also want to be careful that I am not sharing just because I heard something juicy, but sharing in getting Godly advise on the situation.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 9:29:04 PM
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hnt
Posts: 541
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I think it would depend on the circumstances.
Some things are better left alone, and others need to shared so that help can happen.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/27/2008 11:30:14 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
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IMHO:
When something is shared with me privately, that info
remains private.
I do set healthy boundaries as to how much personal info
I want to hear... because I don't want to be too entangled in their "mess".
If someone is having marital problems - it's OK for them to say
I'm having marital problems .... I don't need to know all the "dirty
details"... nor do I want to listen to all the bad news.
I will advise the person to get into marriage counseling ---
I'll be praying for them to succeed in keeping their marriage together.
You must set limits to how much "dirty laundry" you can handle - that's
why I urge people to seek counseling.
Regardless if it involves a family member or a friend.
*My husband doesn't want to be hearing intimate details about
other peoples marriages - so I just say, we need to pray for "Joe & Jane "
they are having problems.
It's a good thing to learn to filter how much "dirty laundry"
you talk about with your spouse... especially if your spouse doesn't
handle that type of talk well or if he or she is prone to gossip.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/28/2008 1:20:08 PM
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Ps103
Posts: 11743
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From: Here, now
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I agree with those who said they didn't want to know anything that they are suposed to keep secret from their spouses.
I won't agree to that--that I have to not tell my husband. I do not tell him everything, simply because his head would explode if I did, but I am not going to deliberately keep something from him.
It really doesn't come up, though. The only thing anyone ever said "don't tell your husband" was actually this week at church. An older lady was talking to me while he was in the restroom, and we were commenting how toasty warm it was inside. She said "Well, I am warm because I have on my silk underwear!" And she flipped up the bottom of her sweater to show it to me--but she had forgotten to put it on and instead she showed me her bare stomach. We laughed and laughed, tears rolling down her face. Himself came up and looked mildly curious, and that is when she said not to tell him. He could tell that she was embarrassed and it was something he didn't want to know about, though, so he didn't even mention it. 
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/28/2008 10:46:41 PM
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numbingeffect
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Most things are obviously not a problem to engage in conversation with your spouse but if your supposed friend is confiding in you then you should consider yourself bound by your agreement for letting your friend share the information. Furthermore it is obvious they consider you trust worthy thus spilling their guts.
Sometimes is just feels good to be able to talk about things without feeling threatened which is why MOST of us are here to begin with, true?
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 9:16:09 AM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 414
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numbingeffect, welcome to the forums . Interesting perpsective, why do you use the term "threatened" as it concerns sharing with a spouse?
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 9:52:51 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 3028
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From: just north of Florida
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I have to amend my answer. If it is a happy secret, then I will keep the secret and cherish the "I know something you don't know" days. But such secrets have a short life span. They are always meant to be unsecreted at the appointed time.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 11:27:08 AM
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gigigirrl
Posts: 83
Joined: 3/27/2006
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quote:
Remember, the more who know a thing the greater the risks that it will get mentioned sometime , somewhere along the line. It may not be done on purpose, but just a slip of the tongue, but still the information is then out to a third party or more if in a group sitting. So I would say keep it to yourself, and take it to your grave with you.
I agree. There are two ideals here. One that you honor the marriage and one is that you honor confidences. You and your spouse have to decide how to honor confidences of others within the confines of your marriage. If I feel its no big deal to keep a confidence from my spouse, but he feels it is or vice versa, than I or my spouse is not honoring our marrage. The marrage takes priority. That does not mean we cannot undertake confidences. But it is something on which that needs to be decided how we will handle them.
Now how we handle it is that others know that we share with each other. I am sure they take that into account when they share. But my husband and I both know a weakness of his. And he is fine with me sharing. He tends to be forgetful and he might let something slip. So I will share - something like please pray for so and so- but not give the particulars - he understands why. Most people we know, know this weakness of his and I will sometimes say - if they ask me to keep a confidence that I won't tell him the details to let them know our perameters of that situation. But I would not like to keep certain information from him - especially since he usually makes the final decisions about much of our life. And others' confidences will sometimes impact upon that.
There are many ideals in life that we strive for, and it is important to prioritize. My first allegiances are to God and then to my spouse. And he is the same way.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 4:58:10 PM
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RichNay
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all of our friends know, or are told the first time that they are confiding in us that we may talk about this with each other; why i say may is when we are talking about these things it will usually be something that came up in conversation (ie. oh cars that's interesting y just mentioned today she needs a new car, do you have any tips? or some such) we do not memorize our convos and parrot them back, but any info is fair game to be repeated to each other. any huge behavior (read: sin) we tell them that we can't keep their secret because sin loves the darkness and secrecy, and we will not feed the darkness.
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RE: Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 10/29/2008 5:23:05 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4319
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From: The higher lowcountry
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When I am approached by someone to tell me something about themselves in confidence...I let them know that I will tell my husband...period. And if that doesn't sit well with them, then I'm not the person they need to talk with.
The only expection is when formally counseling someone and then my husband still oversees most of that anyways.
I just tell them up front...
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Friend's private info---is SPOUSE off limits? - 
so for them, it's a no-brainer. 
PRAISE THE LORD -- MY HUSBAND IS BACK FROM IRAQ 
