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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/14/2008 11:24:48 AM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
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Thanks for your input on this. I used to never mind when he blamed stuff on me before, but I feel like if he can't make a stand for something as simple as this how do I know he would make a stand if he were with his friends and they are checking out females, It shows me he isn't strong. I don't think it would have made the conversation longer, it would have ended the same, we don't like those emails please don't send them, I don't think this guy would have said hey man you don't like those emails? I think it would have ended the same. As far as counseling we had counseling back when i found out about his infidelity and I also have had individual counseling but we can no longer afford it so it needed to stop. We are both Christians, I became a christian very young, my husband became one after we met, both of our relationships with the Lord were pretty non existent, I was up and down for years, I am now working on my relationship with the Lord, however my husband is still idle, he doesn't refuse it but he doesn't make an effort to read the bible or anything. I just think it would have shown me great trust and would have made me put more trust in him if he wouldn't have blamed it on me, now I wonder maybe he would enjoy "looking" at these things and he doesn't do it because of me. I just need to know if he wants to or likes to. Those would have made a HUGE impact on whether or not I stayed after finding out about his infidelity. thanks again
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/14/2008 11:54:30 AM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
about your other thread...reading his email first is not going to bring what you are truly seeking. It's a way you are using outter control and it is not an answer to the real issue.
Developing trust takes time. It's obvious your attempts to control him by reading and deleting email as you choose is failing. One reason why that will always fail is because change has to come from the inside out. If he is not changed on the inside NOTHING you do will matter.
I'm not sure about this. I was reading recently (maybe in His Needs, Her Needs or an article by him, not sure) that we really shouldn't trust our spouses in these situations...and I learned the hard way, if you think your spouse is "above that" you're asking for trouble.
I don't trust him now - I don't trust him to spend a bunch of time and develop a close friendships with busty 20-something blondes...that's just crazy! But I trust him more than I ever have! I trust him with what I'm feeling and even fearing - all the things I held back and let build up until there was no affection, no real trust (just my naive belief that he was better than every other man on the planet), and no real bond between us at all.
But buckfin is right - I'm only able to trust him like that because I've seen a 180 degree change in him. He risked everything to confess this to me, fasted and prayed the entire day before he talked to me, and is making it abundantly clear every day that he chooses me and that he accepts me and will do whatever we have to do to fix this and to never let ourselves fall back into old habits.
I think that's what you're not seeing and that's what you desperately need to see. Deleting emails that you know just pose potential stumbling blocks for him is OK for you to do but buckfin is right, if you're not feeling like he's trying on his end, you're doing it for him, and you know that wont work. I also agree that you need to pray...I don't think there's anything that can make him see this clearly other than God intervening. You can't do it, don't try...just pray.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 11/14/2008 3:52:14 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks for sharing with me your story. He has made alot of changes to rebuild the trust but I think he's "tired" of all the changes. Plus this just makes me feel like I can't trust him, that if he can't stand up for something like this how can he ever stand up in worse situations. I'm confused about deleting the emails, maybe I do it because I don't trust if he would look at them I have no idea, or what he would do with it in his head. I know I need to pray but through all this I don't seem to hear what God is telling me, I get so confused.
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 12/13/2008 2:07:55 PM
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stillovinhim
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I'm back still feeling fogged and not knowing what to do. Why is this happening. I'm feeling so frustrated. After finding out about his one night stand, and we decided to work on our marriage he made many promises to me things he would do or wouldn't do to rebuild trust. Maybe some of these things were beyond what should be expected I don't know but they were things he still said he would do, and I felt secure about these things until gradually a few of these things he has decided to "change" or do or not do on his own without even asking me or discussing it with me. He was very ill when he made alot of these promises to me and maybe his "thinking" wasn't there, he thought he was going to die, I think after I found out he would have said anything for me not to leave him when he was so ill, maybe I took advantage of that I don't know. I don't know if I need to go into the things he promised me to get the appropriate help but how do I go on showing him love and be the Godly wife I'm suppose to be when each time he "changes" something that I felt secure in I lose more trust in him? I feel hurt that he didn't even say I think this is a little too much and what do you think nothing just changes it on his own. They aren't things like him going out or things but I can explain later if needed. Thanks
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 12/13/2008 9:32:51 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
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I'd be pretty sure he's just falling back into old habits or not even realizing he's backtracking on "promises" he made to change. Or maybe, if you've not communicated specifically how helpful this or that change has been to your feeling of security and ability to focus and stay positive, maybe he's lost the motivation to do those changes because they don't seem as important with a little passage of time. Just don't jump to "he didn't mean it" or "I just don't want to do this for her anymore, it's too much work" - don't make those assumptions.
My dh did something recently that hit me the wrong way on the wrong day . . . I felt like I was snapped back to all the same insecurities and rejection that was in our marriage about a year ago...all the same old feelings of frustration and despair - thought all the work, talking, crying, praying of the last few months had been for nothing. It was all the enemy! Instead of stuffing it like I had done about those things for YEARS, I kinda just fell apart and laid it on the line as soon as he got home only to find out, as I really already knew, that it was the furthest thing from what he was really thinking or doing. Just having the guts and integrity to tell him what I was thinking and feeling was an enormous step for me. It's part of the way he and I are growing in the Lord and in our marriage because of and in spite of what Satan intended to use to destroy us. That's where we find our victory!
You're feeling "fogged" - it strikes me that God is not the author of confusion. Realize that for what it is and where it comes from and seek the Lord. It's just so hard to see clearly when our hurts and fears and clouding our judgement. Praying for you tonight!!
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RE: Feeling no affection.. - 12/14/2008 1:57:39 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
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thank you csl, you're right I shouldn't jump into accusations and assume he's just falling, but it's so hard when he has made that promise to you and breaks it. I questioned him about it and he said he did it because its a job, see my husband works from home (cars) and although usually all his work is word of mouth sometimes he'll see something on craigslist where someone is looking for a mechanic and if it's something he is interested in he'll respond back, but when his infidelity came out, he promised me he wouldn't respond to ads if he didn't know if they were male or female, I guess because he works from home females coming to the house how his one night stand happened it just made me uncomfortable, I also work from home and the likelihood of me being here is greater than not but there are still those chances I may not be here, he doesn't work an 8-5 job, so that's what he did, responded to an ad that someone needed a mechanic, he explained his work is slow and we need the money true but I think he should have asked how I felt first. I know I need to trust in the lord and I'm still so fogged at times I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers, it truly helps alot
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/17/2008 6:07:43 PM
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stillovinhim
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With all this confusion I'm going through I have yet another question that I'd like anyones opinion on. My husband works from home for himself, he does alot of stuff on craigslist for his work. Is it inappropriate for him to respond to females listings if it is only "helping" them in an email with information and hes not profiting from it? sometimes he responds and doesn't even know if it's male of female. What is your opnion on this? Am I being still too paranoid and this is harmless? Thanks
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/17/2008 6:26:00 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stillovinhim
With all this confusion I'm going through I have yet another question that I'd like anyones opinion on. My husband works from home for himself, he does alot of stuff on craigslist for his work. Is it inappropriate for him to respond to females listings if it is only "helping" them in an email with information and hes not profiting from it? sometimes he responds and doesn't even know if it's male of female. What is your opnion on this? Am I being still too paranoid and this is harmless? Thanks
I think it's harmless - unless he's offering info for free that he should be charging people for...but that's not what you're asking. I think you've mentioned this before and I thought about it then - if it's part of his business, he kinda needs to converse with men and women. Now, setting appointments (even innocent, money-making appointments) with women-only is or can be problematic. But, I don't think women should be setting appointments one on one with men to come repair or do anything anyway - not just as an issue of propriety but safety and I think he should have a policy along those lines.
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/17/2008 6:50:31 PM
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stillovinhim
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thanks csl, well let me explain what he does, he's works on cars, so sometimes people will post something along the lines of ,does anyone know how to fix this please help, and he will respond and tell them how to fix it, no money being nice to someone that is seeking advice, he always says it's a potential to make money. when you say women one on one, well it doesn't generally happen but if he were to work on a females car, or anyones for that matter male or female usually they drop off and pick up when it's done, however he has had clients stay if it's something quick and wont take long, a friend of his, his girlfriend stayed and pretty much breathed down his back the whole time, made me uncomfortable, I was here but still uncomfortable and I hadn't even found out about his infidelity yet. So with this being said still harmless, should I worry? It doesn't happen often but I always worry he'll be talking back and forth with someone and it could be a female, or he may know it is. thanks again
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/17/2008 7:12:07 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stillovinhim
thanks csl, well let me explain what he does, he's works on cars, so sometimes people will post something along the lines of ,does anyone know how to fix this please help, and he will respond and tell them how to fix it, no money being nice to someone that is seeking advice, he always says it's a potential to make money. when you say women one on one, well it doesn't generally happen but if he were to work on a females car, or anyones for that matter male or female usually they drop off and pick up when it's done, however he has had clients stay if it's something quick and wont take long, a friend of his, his girlfriend stayed and pretty much breathed down his back the whole time, made me uncomfortable, I was here but still uncomfortable and I hadn't even found out about his infidelity yet. So with this being said still harmless, should I worry? It doesn't happen often but I always worry he'll be talking back and forth with someone and it could be a female, or he may know it is. thanks again
You can't be suspect of every conversation he has with every female - especially in business - you'll drive yourself crazy. And, at some point, you don't want him to be faithful just because you're always on top of it...gotta be some level of trust although, we wives can't be foolish about it (like I was...I practically threw dh and my friend together when you think about it). With the friend's girlfriend as an example, there's definitely something to be said for trusting your gut. But if you let every conversation with every woman he comes in contact with get to you, you wont be able to trust your instinct anymore because you'll go into hyper mode. And if you get in hyper mode he will be losing business!
Can you be honest with him about how these things make you feel and ask him to help you by developing with you some parameters - for both your sakes and then set a policy for how he handles female clientele together. When I first found out (officially) about dh and my friend I told him I would never again doubt my gut and that he no longer had the option of doubting my gut. I recognized and was honest with him that it's entirely possible now that my instincts may be less reliable because I might be slightly paranoid unnecessarily from time to time - but even then, he's going to have to humor me whether I'm overreacting or not. That's just the way it is now. But if it's a matter of his livelihood, I've got to try to be realistic...still honest with him about how I feel but realistic too. It's tough.
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/17/2008 10:35:23 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks again csl, I am sorry I didn't realize that you have been through infidelity in your marriage. I'm hoping someday I will be able to be in a position where I can help someone through this terrible road of recovery. Thank you. I know that I can't suspect something everytime he talks with a female, I know, my husband is just such a very friendly guy and sometimes I worry that his friendliness will get him in a position he shouldn't be in. We have reset our boundries and he says that he would not have a female client come here if I'm not here, however sometimes that's beyond his control, such as with his friends girlfriend, he had no idea she was going to stay, he assumed he would drop her off they would leave and pick it up later but that's not how it happened, she came back for warranty work, how do you deal with that or control something like that? I know that he will have male and female clientele but I just worry and theres that word worry about him crossing a line, he always seems so willing to help people and that's why I was wondering if he responds to an ad for help and it's not profitable to him and it's a female if he should even respond or if he doesn't know if it's a male or female, some people don't post a name. Why are all these little things so hard, does it get easier do you get to a place of trust, I know I have to trust him some and I do, from the beginning of this I've come a long way if I told you things from then.I just get knots in my stomach when he responds to things and he has no idea who it is. Thanks again like I said I hope some day I will be able to share my story and help someone else and be able to say I was there once but now my marriage is really good.
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/22/2008 7:35:02 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
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sorry I'm still finding myself feeling frustrated at times. I'm really trying and things are going well between my husband and I but I'm still feeling like things bother me, with all that you guys have said to me I know that it all boils down to that I need to put all this in the Lords hands and he will take care of my husband, but for us to rebuild trust doesn't he sitll need to do things to do that? He does everything to rebuild trust except one thing, I mentioned earlier that he made promises to me when he was very ill, the one promise he hasn't kept was going dirtbike riding, he goes and he knows I dont' like it, I don't know if it's "control" I'm trying to keep, it does bother me because even though he goes out there with his friends and I know them and am fine with them sometimes they invite others and he doesn't know them, I worry that females will come, it doesn't generally happen but girls do ride, he's going to go wether i like it or not because he says it's something he has done for years which is true and he's not riding with females, however that could be out of his control if someone else invites someone. Do I again just tell him how I feel, let him make his decision and just be the Godly loving wife God wants me to be? That seems so hard when he made a promise to me that he wouldn't go if I didn't want to go. I realize he wasn't in a normal frame of mind, he didn't think he would walk normal again, I try to go with him as much as I can and we all (the whole family) go in the summer and all ride but during the winter months it's just way too cold. He reassures me that he wont ride with females but I don't see how he could stop it if one showed up with someone, and when we go in the summer he said he wouldn't ride past the river where it is a hot spot for swimming and ALOT of women in bikinis. It's all so hard, I feel so stupid that I don't know how to handle these situations, especially when I don't want to ruin what we have now in our marriage, things are going well. Thanks for all your help
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/22/2008 8:19:50 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Philippians 4: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
...That got me through a lot of days when my brain (fear) wanted to run amuck. Read it over and over and over all day long if you have to....I do some days. In all honesty, there are going to be lots of bikini-clad women lots of places he goes. It's a fact of our society. You can't make yourself nutso. What's been a tremdendous breakthrough for me was coming to the place with dh where I could be honest and say that I reserve the right to flip out completely without a sane reason and dh acknowledged that, on some level, I'm entitled. He's agreed to basically humor my fears so that I can vent them and stop it from spinning around in my head making me completely crazy. And just the time or two I've needed to do that has helped greatly. I posted here once in a tizzy because dh stopped somewhere with co-workers before coming home...when he did come home I told him it brought back some unintentional (on his part) insecurities in me and just being able to air that made it all better. Can you ask your dh to "absorb" your insecurities for a while. If you know that he knows how certain scenarios make you feel, do you think it'll help you keep those things in perspective better?
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RE: Feeling no affection../more help - 12/22/2008 9:32:14 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks again csl, I really apprecitiate the versus, some of those I have read over and over, I got them awhile back when I was going to a counselor from church. I do tell my husband when I am uncomfortable and let him know how I am feeling, I have said to him it helps to release it and he is fine with that, he does most of the time not always gives me reassurances to the situations, such as the dirtbike riding. However I will admit that sometimes when I'm feeling very fearful and just angry about the situation such as when he goes riding and knows I am uncomfortable with it, I admit that I become angry and can become very unpleasant to be around, then it starts the cycle of him becoming distant because of my reactions, it's hard to be happy and loving when someone does something knowing you are uncomfortable however I need to know if my requests are unreasonable if I'm being controlling, I know even when I say I don't want you to go riding he's going to go so I need to somehow accept that, he for the most part reassures me about it, but like I said he doesn't always know who's going to show up, he could say I'm going with Mike and John but they invite 5 other people. I don't want to cause problems every time he decides to go. Things go so good until this situation comes up. You're right bikini's are everywhere and I know that, and again I have to trust he makes the right decision to do whatever with it. Hopefully that is he see's it and it's gone. Thanks again csl I really like your encouragement It really has made me feel better and I can see things a little better. thank you so much.
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