Strange conversation with a male friend..... (Full Version)

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retro-goddess -> Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 11:33:43 AM)

I had a really strange conversation with a male friend this weekend and just wanted to get some godly input from all of you about the situation.

I'm 36, and he's 40. I've known him for over a year but don't really know him that well. We see each other at church events and that's it. He's quiet, kind of intense, likes to seek me out to talk to me and likes getting into my personal space, so I thought he might be interested.

So, Friday, I see him at an event and we're chatting. He asks me if I want to help him teach a class with him and then and he asks me if I could give him a ride to the local train station since it's on my way home. So I said, sure, no problem.

We're chatting in the car about stuff and all of a sudden, he just let's go and starts talking to me about relationships. He's 40, wants to get married, says that men have "certain needs", which is why he wants to get married and that he hasn't kissed a girl since he was 33. He's wondering why God hasn't blessed him with a wife and that he was seeing this girl a few weeks ago and she was talking down to him about his spiritual calling and he got mad, etc. and was just mad about why he's looking and God isn't blessing him.

I was so unprepared for how to answer him. I was shocked he was telling me all of this. Somehow it went from him being awkward around me and not really sure how to talk with me to all of this! All I could say was that he should continue strengthening his relationship with God and just figure out what he's looking for in a wife and look at each situation not as a disappointment, but as an opportunity to see what God is trying to teach him.

So, I just wanted to get input from a male perspective about what he was trying to do, why he said what he did, and if there is a better way I should respond or talk to him in the future?

Thanks!



rayofson -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 12:49:53 PM)

Interesting.

Some observations:

He finally got to talk to you alone, and after a break-up.

He made sure that you knew he was available, and marriage-minded.

Strange that he would tell you about his needs and the reasons for wanting to get married. To me, I wouldn't think that would sound very romantic to a woman...though brutally honest. Perhaps it is this cluelessness that has kept him single.



Pauley464 -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 1:14:00 PM)

Sounds like he was hurting and viewed you as a sympathetic person or his frustration built up to a point where it burst out at an awkward moment.

Still, I agree. He's clueless.

I think you handled it well.



APZR -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 1:25:40 PM)

Wow, and he wonders why he's still single... [sm=silly.gif] [sm=hammerhead.gif]



retro-goddess -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 1:38:46 PM)

I would definitely agree that he's clueless. He's looking for a wife for the wrong reasons. Sex is part of the reason you get married, but not the entire reason. I told him he should be looking for a godly wife who supports his ministry or whatever God's called him to do and he said....wow, I never thought of that.



retro-goddess -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 2:58:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayofson

Interesting.

Some observations:

He finally got to talk to you alone, and after a break-up.

He made sure that you knew he was available, and marriage-minded.

Strange that he would tell you about his needs and the reasons for wanting to get married. To me, I wouldn't think that would sound very romantic to a woman...though brutally honest. Perhaps it is this cluelessness that has kept him single.


Do you think this is because he's interested in me? I was never sure because I knew he was dating other women but for some reason was fixated on me. Not that I would date him - I think he's clueless in some important areas and I wouldn't want him to cause me to stumble. If he is interested in me, I'll need to prepare for that if it comes up!



rayofson -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/13/2008 7:53:33 PM)

It's hard to tell, but it's possible.



Coffee_Drinker -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/14/2008 11:09:49 AM)

Guy sounds pretty lonely... to bad he'll continue to be lonely.

I knew this lady that told me she married her husband because she "felt sorry for him." She eventually divorced him, met some guy on an online dating service and married him.

Sure is a weird world we live in.



SamsonUSA -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/16/2008 1:58:32 PM)

I agree with coffee drinker that he sounds lonely. He also sounds a little desperate and creepy to me.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/16/2008 4:26:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: retro-goddess
Do you think this is because he's interested in me?


from what you post, i really think he's interested at some level



retro-goddess -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/16/2008 5:11:12 PM)

Thanks for all of the feedback so far. It really is valuable to me in order to make a decision about this guy. I do think he's desperate and lonely.....and a little creepy. But he is a Christian man and so I will pray for him and hope God grants him peace in his singleness.



jn1010lf -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/16/2008 10:11:32 PM)

Hello retro-goddess

Don't get romantically involved whatever you do. This poor guy is mixed up. The best thing you can do is to convince him he needs Christian counseling, or a good dose of Jesus Christ and a full year of Joyce Meyer's teaching.



SR20FL -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (10/19/2008 3:39:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coffee_Drinker



Sure is a weird world we live in.

So frekkin true!



lightbeamrider -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (11/13/2008 5:39:55 PM)

Suggest u let him read ur post so he knows how u really feel. This guy takes the time to confide to u and intimate detail of his personal life and u blow him off with a few christian cliches to hide ur shock (contempt?) for him? Most christian men who take their beliefs seriously do not go around kissing females so the fact he has not kissed a female for so long is not so odd. His timing may have been off and he certainly did make a mistake in confiding in u. As for the getting married for sex and that being the wrong reason to get married. U assume it is the only or main reason men marry? Even Paul wrote it is better to marry than to burn. I could think of worse reasons to get married. How about getting a female pregnant out of wedlock and then marrying? Is that a better reason? He teaches class, attends church functions. He must have something going for him. He is not a leper. He is a lonely man. This is not an uncommon problem. I do not see a lot of compassion here. He needs better discernment as far as his choice of friends or confidants are concerned. Obviously u are not up to the task.
I hope this man finds a woman who is worth his time and will help him to be happy and fulfilled in life. I don't wish misery on anyone.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (11/13/2008 10:33:33 PM)

That's a hard situation... all of a sudden, someone's really sharing some deep thoughts and feelings with you with no advance notice.

It made me think he was looking for a sympathy trip from you at first. It also still makes me think he sees you as being mature, having your life more together spriritually then his. Lastly, his mind is still a whirl from the past relationship (or two, or however many) he's been on, so to just 'uncork' like that... it's almost like son talking to mom as she drives him back to wherever.

I think you might have said too much in reply, yet to confront him as to why he's telling you such things, and to not swerve off the road, was wise. Knowing what you know, I'd just give him some space, maybe in a candid moment let him know that discusstion was just between the two of you and you are not the gossipy type, and then be in prayer about it.



retro-goddess -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (11/13/2008 11:50:48 PM)

I can give you a brief update. He needs some serious counseling. He was here last weekend for a get together I had and was going out about how he tried committing suicide over a girlfriend earlier in life and that he didn't think he could do the whole Christian life anymore. I called my assistant pastor who knows him and suggested he talk with him. This is out of my hands in being able to help. My pastor agreed and said he needs some serious counseling and accountability. It's now out of my hands. I can pray for him and remain friendly towards him, but I can't get any closer or he would take me on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

And to lightbeamerride, you have no clue. He should not be sharing intimate details with a woman and an acquaintance like me. He was crying out for help. I did what I could. If he was a close friend, it would be a different story. He is not.



lightbeamrider -> RE: Strange conversation with a male friend..... (11/14/2008 8:49:00 AM)

I have had women share intimate details of their lives with me who are not friends. It is not uncommon. People talk. Perhaps they did this because, as u put it, i have no clue and talking to me is better than talking to a brick wall. Life is full of surprises. Many contemplate suicide and most are tested. I saw things differently in this situation and told u plainly what i believe u needed to hear. Assume, that was the purpose of your post. Unless of course u were only seeking validation, then sorry to disappoint u. My compassion is for this man. Anyways i will wear ur rebuke as a badge of honor. God Bless u.



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