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AngieCat -> Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 3:59:09 PM)

How long does it take for a man and a woman to adjust to marriage?

I have been married for 14 months now and feel like I am still struggling with my desire for independence and for my singleness. This is my 2nd marriage, and I was a single woman for 8 1/2 years before getting married again. For many years after my divorce, I was perfectly content being a single mom - no partner. Then I realized I really wanted to have another child and not be alone all of my life. I found a wonderful man, got married and pregnant. I now am dealing with the loss of my independence, and I don't know what to do to adjust. My husband is having much less of a difficult time with adjusting to living together. How long did it take other women out there to feel like you are two people working together versus two people living in the same house?? [:o]



PrincessDonna -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 4:40:33 PM)

It took us until the past couple years to really try to work together and not either oppose each other or just float along aimlessly living in the same home. We've been married almost 10 years, but had a very rough start.

Have you prayed about it? That sounds like a trite answer, but it's not. Ask God what those feelings are about, and He might just have an answer for you.



clag4christ -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 5:19:08 PM)

What specific parts of your previous freedom are you finding difficult to relinquish now that you're married?



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 5:59:15 PM)

Donna - Wow, I didn't realize it took that long. In my first marriage, I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years prior to marriage and then another 4 years while married. I don't remember such an adjustment. Then again, I was in my early 20s when I was new to the adult life.

Clag - I guess freedom/independence isn't the right word. I have adjusted fairly well to the adjustment in amount of time spent with friends.. specifically female friends. I guess the adjustment is more about differences in personalities, views on life, etc. For example, I am struggling at the moment with "planning." My husband is the type who goes along with just about everything. He is quite laid back, which is a great thing. However, on the opposite side he is also complacent to let me handle all plans (social or otherwise) and planning. For the most part, I am ok with that. It would be nice if he came up with something to do at least once in a while. The bigger struggle for me is that we own a home and have a child on the way. When I ask him about winterizing the house or how much life insurance do you have, he hasn't thought about it. He didn't know how much life insurance he had and hadn't thought about winterizing the house. On a bigger scale, he doesn't plan finances well. If it weren't for my planning, he would still have student loans and credit card debt. Does that make me better than him? No! Again, I certainly understand that he doesn't have a forward thinking perspective. But would it be so bad if he thought in the future at some point?

When I typed the question I should have said how long does it take to adjust (accept) your spouses differences?

On a spiritual plane, we are quite similar. We have similar values and perspectives on the importance of family. As is the case with all relationships (and should be), there are differences.



clag4christ -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 6:23:37 PM)

Hmmm...other than telling him directly that you want him to be more thoughtful of the future, lol...you could just accept that you're the planner of the family. If you want to know about life insurance you could do something like:

"Honey, could you please look up your life insurance information to see how much you've currently got and then on (plug in day of the week) night we can sit down and discuss how much more you and I both think would be appropriate to get with the new baby coming along?"

"Honey...it's that time again, we need to winterize the house. Blank, blank and blank are the things that need to be done. Are you willing to do them or should we hire someone within our budget to do these things?"

It might help, since he's not the organizer of the family for you two to set a date at least once a month to discuss finances, budgets, savings, and monetary goals for your family. If you want him to be more involved you might have to be the instigator of those meetings. But they will help you two stay close in communicating about money. Which is the thing that most newly (and some not so newly married) folks have great difficulty with.

Hope that helps. [:)]



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 6:53:31 PM)

You are completely right, Clag, that I have to be the instigator of any conversations looking into our future. This isn't the first time the issue has come up. I lose perspective because I begin to feel like I am doing the work, and he is riding along.

When I brought up the conversation of life insurance, he didn't know how much he had but did check. He usually follows through with the research part. I mentally get off track and forget he is not innately wired to plan. I begin to feel like a mother guiding her son through life, teaching him how to plan for his future. And that is a horrible mindset.

Thanks for listening and giving thoughtful suggestions, Clag.

Hopefully, at some point, I will get to a point where I accept that he is who he is and I am who I am.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 8:33:16 PM)

quote:

I should have said how long does it take to adjust (accept) your spouses differences?


Honestly, I think that is a lifelong process. He's never going to think quite the way you think, or react (or not react) quite the way you would. Marriage can be full of conflicts, big and small, and still be healthy. It's not the presence of conflict that is the problem, it's how you handle it that matters.

Kim had some good thoughts too.[:D]



pumpkin -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 9:16:55 PM)

If I were you, I would find out how your husband feels about lists.

My husband actually LIKES lists of things. He likes to make lists, and he likes to know step by step what I want done that he can do.... like "take out trash", "wash kitchen counter" not just "clean kitchen" He wants specifics. So, for us, winterizing the home... well, I would make lists, and ask him if anything had been left off the list, and then he would check it. Then we would discuss when it needed to be done by, and who was going to do it all.

My husband is also very agreeable, and truly doesn't care what he's having for dinner, and probably hasn't thought about what needs to be done before Thanksgiving or whatever future date. That's my job. =) I bring up topics, we discuss them, then we decide how to handle them. He does things as they come up, and doesn't really think about what to do next spring.... you know? =) Me? I plan when I'd like to go on vacation next year, and where, and ask him if it's ok. That's us. =) I'm the picky planner, and he's the easy going guy who'll do what I think is best. (oh and if it takes research, he's the guy to go to!) And just so you don't feel alone.... I take full responsibility for our financial lives as well, but always keep him well informed.

As to adjusting to one another... well, I believe that is a lifelong process. I know my parents still have discussions where they can't believe what the other one just said, or why on earth they would think such and such, or various other things. They'll be married 40 years next year.



sharonjef2007 -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/11/2008 10:05:11 PM)

I'm wondering how long you dated your husband before you married??? You said you spent 4 years or so with your first husband before getting married. If you had less time with your current husband before you got married, I'm guessing you are just "getting to know each other" now as a married couple where you did that the first time around before you got married.

There is nothing wrong at all with the adjustments and learning about each other. I hope my husband and I are always students of each other. Give yourself a break (and your husband too)! Communication is the key. And if you put God at the center of every decision and each day, you and your husband will come out fantasticlly.

Here is another way to look at it. Instead of seeing that you clash with your husband in areas, look at it as you compliment each other. You make lists and he is more of a fly by the seat of your pants kinda guys. You may both come out as more well rounded people if you allow each other's differences like that to shine through. You can help him be more organized and he can help you be more spontaneous.

Good luck and know we are here if you need to vent! You are in the midst of a fantastic journey. Just remember, a journey means you keep moving. Scenery always changing. Nothing stays the same. Have as much fun with it as you can. Really, it is all about how you look at it!



clag4christ -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/12/2008 1:35:18 AM)

quote:

When I brought up the conversation of life insurance, he didn't know how much he had but did check. He usually follows through with the research part. I mentally get off track and forget he is not innately wired to plan. I begin to feel like a mother guiding her son through life, teaching him how to plan for his future. And that is a horrible mindset.


That's great that he looked up that info for you. Unless you're actually nagging at him to do things or to 'change' then try to look at your role in the relationship as one as a facilitator for him. I don't think that your dh is 'free loading' off of you. It's probably more like those things just don't occur to him because they're not on his radar. But they are on yours. Which is a good thing since that means that they will get tended to. If you feel like it's a burden on you and that you'd like him to do those things you could always ask him if he'd find it more helpful in remembreing if you set out a 'Family Calendar' marked in with dates that things need to get done. Like for winterizing for example. If you want to have the house seen to for the winter, put on the calendar "Winterize House or Call Repairman for Winterizing" on a date that's of your choosing. To me that's not mothering your husband, because you're not treating him as a child...but rather helping him notice things he'd not normally notice. [:)] My husband and I used to have a folder called, "Kimmie Bid-ness", lol, when I was a Stay at Home Wife before we had our children. He knew when things needed to get done, but if it involved calling up and talking to someone, something he'd rather not do, then I was responsible for it. Maybe something like that might help also.

quote:

Thanks for listening and giving thoughtful suggestions, Clag.


Sure thing! [:)]

quote:

Hopefully, at some point, I will get to a point where I accept that he is who he is and I am who I am.


I'm sure you will. As long as you don't grow resentful of him you'll be good.



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/12/2008 8:35:38 AM)

All of you have been so very helpful. Thank you!

Donna - I hope he never thinks the same way as me, or we would lead a really boring life. I don't want me to think the way I do or act the way I do. I want him to be him........which comes with these difficulties. [8|]

Pumpkin - Your husband sounds very similar to mine. He makes list daily. If he doesn't make a list, he forgets to do something. Unlike me, I see visual reminders (such as a pile of laundry) and take care of it. When he drops a pile of laundry in the basement in the morning, he doesn't remember in the afternoon there is a pile of laundry in the basement to take care of........unless it is on his list. Also, if I give him something to do, I have to be very specific. For example, when I ask him to sweep up the mess on the kitchen floor, he will sweep up that mess only and not the rest of the floor unless I specifically say to sweep the whole floor. [:)] I need to keep the perspective that my strength is planning and order. He has strengths too, just different. One great thing, like your hubby, is my hubby will go along with my plans. It could be much worse. He could fight me over the planning I do.

Sharon - I dated my DH a little over a year before marrying. We ARE still going through an adjustment period. Prior to marriage, we were in much different circumstances, and much of this is new to him ------ He never owned a house before (I have), doesn't have kids (I have one), didn't think ahead about his financial future (I do), never planned a vacation (I have), etc. I have much more experience in life than he does (although we are the same age). I know he hasn't experienced what I have mentioned just now mainly because of our differences in planning and looking to the future, but that's ok. Keeping all of this in perspective is what I need to do. He does compliment me in many areas, which is why I married him. Sometimes I fall off the positive thoughts wagon and forget that he, too, has his own strengths.

Kim - As you said, he isn't free loading off me. He doesn't think in the future or ahead. We have fortunately worked through the financial planning details when it comes to bills. I do the planning for bill paying and saving while he pays the bills based on what I plan. We keep it in a spreadsheet. When it comes to household projects, we have discussed what we want done around the house and I figure out how we can pay for it in the time set to get it done. I have a list on the fridge stating 1st, 2nd and 3rd priority projects around the house. He uses that list to work on projects in his free time. So of the projects can be done cheaply and soon whereas others have to wait due to expense. When we were planning the nursery, we talked about what we wanted, and I took care of the planning. Fortunately, he doesn't have a problem with taking care of details such as calling on potential babysitters and setting up a time to meet them.

With all of your comments, I feel like my head has cleared the negative fog out bringing out the proper perspective I need. THANK YOU SO much ladies for your support.



starvin.artist.gurl -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/14/2008 1:16:55 PM)

Hi Angela,

I think every couple is different. My husband and I adjusted fairly quickly to each other. We've been married 2 1/2 years. The first 6 months were the most wonderful but also the toughest for me. Really, I think you just have to make a conscious decision to work things out. In the beginning it was tough because my husband comes from a home where mom was always home to do all of the house chores while dad worked and helped out with dinner once in a while, but other than that, mom does all the housework. My husband and I both work full time jobs, plus I'm taking night classes right now. It took a while for me to get my husband to understand that in our current situation I just can't be the wife who does everything around the house. He did eventually understand. lol. And I have to give him a lot of credit. He really helps out a lot. In the beginning of that though, I got really anal about the way he did things. How he folded towels, how he cleaned the toilet, ect. lol. Eventually I realized it really doesn't matter if he does things the way I would. He's willing to help out, and that's the important thing. After that realization things got a lot better.

Sure we still have differences, everybody does. I'm sure there'll be more in the future. We haven't been married that long. I've really been learning that communication is incredibly important. And you also have to learn how to give a little.

My husband's not much of a planner either. Me on the other hand... I make a list for every part of my life. lol. I must drive him nuts sometimes. Talking really helps though. And ya know... in every marriage each spouse will have strengths and weaknesses. It's ok if we're not both planners. I can step up to make things get done. And he can step up in other areas.



Mrs.Dawgfan -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/17/2008 3:47:57 AM)

Hi there!

You have experienced more than he has so I am sure he greatly appreciates you insights and experience. You bring a lot to the marriage indeed. And even though he is learning, he can still make many decisions along the way. Respecting and praising him is so very important. You will eventually get to that place where you will both be knowledgeable and on equal ground.

Marriage helps us to grow tremendously. Along the way we have place like this to turn to for help. [:)]



lexie -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/17/2008 4:20:37 PM)

Angie - I recognized so much of your post in me! Our first year of marriage was a very interesting one was we tried to learn each others differences and how best to handle them. My husband and I are very similar but when we're different on things, we're polar opposites.

We've been married for 2.5 years now and we now really feel in a groove (though the groove still has bumps.)

My husband is also laid back and go with the flow. I'm not! We tried handling things together but we found it wasn't working. So we sat down and essentially designated who would handle what.

I do the finances, pay the bills and deal with things that have to do with our home (dealing with management, utility companies etc.) We agreed that I would always keep him in the loop as I do things. I also keep everything to do with finances in one binder so he can see what was paid when and where our money is going. That way if I'm not around and he needs something answered, he can get it done without me (though he still has a habit of waking me up in the middle of the night to ask if I paid a bill!)

Something else that helped was putting up a bulletin board in the kitchen. Things that need to be dealt with go up there and Dh likes having that as a reminder of things that need to be done. Once it has been mentioned it goes on the board (though you have to make sure that your husband isn't one to forget that it's there!) The bulletin board is at the kitchen entrance where the front door is so he sees it every time he leaves and comes in.

If there is something that needs to be done, I ask him and explain why it needs to be done when it needs to be done. I found that if I said "honey, can you please call the life insurance people and change the plan" he would say ok, and let it go. If I say "honey, it's really important that you change the life insurance plan, I need to factor the new amount into the budget for next month" then he is more apt to get up and do it.

Once I learned how best to ask him about something to get him moving or thinking, things started getting done But it did take a little while, and a little patience to figure out how best to do it.



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 11:18:01 AM)

Starvin Artist - I too have the tendency to be picky and have run into the need (for the benefit of our relationship) to hold my tongue on certain things he does.......otherwise he won't do them.

Lexie - Like you said about you and your husband being very similar but when different, you are like polar opposites. My husband and I fall into the same category.

Question - I discovered this weekend that my husband is laid back but it is more than that. He is also a people pleaser. So he does things to "please" me when really he is looking for approval, affirmation, etc. How does a wife deal with that? He has a difficult time expressing his opinion or going against mine because he concedes his will to "please" me. I try to tell him that he isn't pleasing me by going along with what I say. I don't think he gets it because he does this in other relationships.



pumpkin -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 2:23:20 PM)

are you sure that he is forgoing what he wants in order to please you?

I mean, my husband does things because he knows that I like it when he does them, and that's how he shows love. He's an action sort of guy... so he does the dishes because he loves me, or he does the laundry or cooks dinner because he loves me... that's how he "shows" his love. =) My husband says that he's not just going along to make me happy, he does that with things though if he truly doesn't have a strong feeling about it, and he knows that I do.

Me? I need words... written and verbal, and some physical contact too... like hugging. I need a lot! =)



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 2:38:41 PM)

Hi Pumpkin - What you said follows along with love language explained by Gary Chapman. Your husband must show love by doing things for you; whereas, you feel loved when he writes/verbally expresses it.

I am certain my husband is going along with what I say and not expressing his opinion because we have discussed it. He ends up compromising himself to a point that he feels worthless and like he is wrong all the time..........which is totally not the case IMO.



pumpkin -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 2:49:20 PM)

sounds like you'll have to come to some compromise then.

I used to think that David was doing that (what you said your hubby is doing) but after multiple discussions of several years, I don't think that any more. =)

I know about the love languages. I know what his is, and so does he. Neither of us can figure me out though. =)



AngieCat -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 3:01:27 PM)

Oh Gina, maybe you are a combination. [:)]

Thanks for your incite.



pumpkin -> RE: Adjusting to Marriage (10/20/2008 3:33:02 PM)

[:D][:)]



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