|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/17/2008 10:31:16 PM
|
|
|
Boats
Posts: 120
Joined: 7/18/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline
|
quote:
Tinkerbell_
I think for me, the key is to be consistent when I threaten them. They have learned by now I don't do it in vain. If I say it, I mean it.
In fact...they are very secure in that about me, they see when other parents aren't consistent. Make sense?
Perfect sense. A sibling of mine threatens and yells, but never follow through. it hasn't work well at all.
Irregardless of the parenting style consistency is the key.
quote:
WaitingforBoaz
The second problem is that they leave their bath looking like a tornado hit it. Clothes everywhere. Trash everywhere except where it belongs.
Any suggestions on this one?
1. Inspect the bathroom between showers.
2. or Who left the $5 in the bathroom. You'll find out who was last in. 
Oh yeah - sorry it was my $5 but thanks for owning up to your mess.
being the parent of teens is being a detective.
quote:
I'll be honest though...I am so strict on the boys because I am a fairly small in stature woman and I know one day before my boys are out of the house they'll be bigger than me. I want to gain their respect now and not wait until they are bigger and won't listen to me or worse. I have a lot of respect for women who can bring their 6'5" sons cowering in their presence. It took a lot of time and a lot of discipline to get that way.
Not meaning I want them to be weak; just to respect me when I say "NO!" when they could easily take me out if they wanted to.
Does that make sense?
Sense enough to be on the board of masters.
My mom is 5'2 and all of her 6' sons still say ma'am.
quote:
WaitingforBoaz
Yep, I totally get it. and yes, it took me awhile to realize the snow job I was getting from my twins. I never expected it from them because they were always sooo good. I was shocked that they would do such a thing. Nipping it now though.
You go Girl ! 
Luke I am your farther !
Noooooo
go clean your room
Noooooo
And you left a big mess in the bathroom
it isn't true, it can't be
~You'll never be able to watch that scene without laughing.
quote:
CoeurdeLeon
But circumstances are no excuse for bad behavior. Grown ups cannot get away with that and so we can't teach the kids that they can get away with it. Ya know?
Believe me, I've had to fight my way through this one and it wasn't easy. But I had to do it or I was failing my kids.
Well Said
quote:
Shock and awe, Boats. You taught me well.......
I told her that if she ever <______> again, I'd embarrass her so badly she wouldn't be able to show her face in school ever again. But that'd be okay 'cause I'd get her a nice paper bag.
And the student becomes the Master
Keep em guessing 
Boats
< Message edited by Boats -- 10/18/2008 11:04:11 AM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/19/2008 11:45:31 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Ok, everyone, fess up, what's the meanest thing you've done to your child to teach them a lesson?
Send her to bed hungry. (she's 7) And my answer when she says she's hungry at bedtime is always the same, "You should have eaten more at supper"
She tells me "You're a meanie!"
I respond "Yes I am, and I'm good at it. Want to see how mean I can be?"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 7:15:57 AM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
Wow, there is a lot of wisdom and a lot of humor both in this thread. Maybe someone can help me with my dilemma?
My husband passed away (very unexpectedly) six months ago. We have one child, a son who is now 10. He is, and has always been, a very strong-willed and stubborn child. It makes me proud when he uses those traits to resist peer pressure, but it infuriates me when he uses them to defy me.
Here is my current problem - I'm having a hard time discerning lately when to apply my usual discipline methods and when to apply greater mercy and grace.
For example, this week-end at my parent's home (in another state) he requested that we visit a certain place that we usually visited with his Dad. I told him we wouldn't be able to get there on this particular trip. He got extremely angry, said things like "Dad always took me" and "if Dad were here we could go," and then he picked up a knick-knack of my mother's and smashed it on the floor. I was horrified! I can handle his verbal anger, but I don't recall him ever being purposefully destructive before. (Martial arts usually allows him to get rid of his anger physically when he needs to.)
Anyway, he was required to clean up the mess and apologize to his grandmother and then was sent to another room while I considered the situation. My mother said he was clearly acting out of his grief, and that the clean-up and apology were sufficient and I should just discuss it with him and then let it go. I did that, but really felt some discipline was in order.
Y'all, I'm so afraid of messing this up.  I don't want to end up with a child who thinks he can get away with bad behavior because his Dad died, who will turn into an adult with a "the world owes me" attitude. But I certainly don't want to be overly harsh and crush his heart and spirit at times when he needs understanding either.
I would be so grateful for any wisdom you can share.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 8:49:10 AM
|
|
|
benelchi
Posts: 3636
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TNBelle
Wow, there is a lot of wisdom and a lot of humor both in this thread. Maybe someone can help me with my dilemma?
My husband passed away (very unexpectedly) six months ago. We have one child, a son who is now 10. He is, and has always been, a very strong-willed and stubborn child. It makes me proud when he uses those traits to resist peer pressure, but it infuriates me when he uses them to defy me.
Here is my current problem - I'm having a hard time discerning lately when to apply my usual discipline methods and when to apply greater mercy and grace.
For example, this week-end at my parent's home (in another state) he requested that we visit a certain place that we usually visited with his Dad. I told him we wouldn't be able to get there on this particular trip. He got extremely angry, said things like "Dad always took me" and "if Dad were here we could go," and then he picked up a knick-knack of my mother's and smashed it on the floor. I was horrified! I can handle his verbal anger, but I don't recall him ever being purposefully destructive before. (Martial arts usually allows him to get rid of his anger physically when he needs to.)
Anyway, he was required to clean up the mess and apologize to his grandmother and then was sent to another room while I considered the situation. My mother said he was clearly acting out of his grief, and that the clean-up and apology were sufficient and I should just discuss it with him and then let it go. I did that, but really felt some discipline was in order.
Y'all, I'm so afraid of messing this up. I don't want to end up with a child who thinks he can get away with bad behavior because his Dad died, who will turn into an adult with a "the world owes me" attitude. But I certainly don't want to be overly harsh and crush his heart and spirit at times when he needs understanding either.
I would be so grateful for any wisdom you can share.
I think you handled this situation well. There are two big issues to consider her, first both you and your son are still hurting; six months is an extremely short amount of time to deal with something of this magnitude. I applaud you for considering your mother's advice because when we are dealing with such a big tragedy sometimes it is hard to be truly objective ourselves. Second, you didn't let your son get away with the bad behavior, you had him clean up the mess he created, you made him apologize, and you discussed the situation with him. If this kind of behavior continues (and it may) a stronger response will be necessary, but whether it is in times of grace or times of punishment, it will be critically important that you always demonstrate God's unconditional love. This is something every parent must do, but it is something that is sometimes harder when we ourselves are hurting so deeply, and in those times we need to be extra deliberate about doing so.
Last, I would encourage you to seek out support from people you can trust to give you solid Godly advice and support if that is not already something you have in place. There will be times where you will really need to lean on your Christian brothers and sisters for support.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 8:55:09 AM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
TNBelle,
I agree with benelchi, you did well.
I'd try to find your son some good Christian counseling. When my wife died the Girl was only 4 so she was almost too young to know what she is missing. But your son is 10 and probably feels a whole lot of anger at God and everyone for taking his dad. Christian grief counselling should help him get through this.
I know that focus on the family keeps a database of Christian counselors.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 10:09:49 AM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
Benelchi and John,
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. Sometimes an "attagirl" is as uplifting as a hug, you know?
And thank you, Benelchi, for reminding me that six months is really a short time. I've always been such an even-tempered laid-back sort of person that the emotional upheaval seems like it has lasted years. I'm just not used to living in turmoil, and it feels eternal.
We do have wonderful friends and family and church family, the love and support we continue to receive is tangible and such a blessing. I don't know where we'd be today without them.
John, I haven't sought professional counseling yet but it may be time to do so. I'll check out the Focus website and see if there is anyone in our area. My church is very small and doesn't have that kind of staff, but may also have a list of local Christian counselors.
Belle
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 1:20:54 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TNBelle
I've always been such an even-tempered laid-back sort of person that the emotional upheaval seems like it has lasted years. I'm just not used to living in turmoil, and it feels eternal.
Hang in there Belle, it does get better. The waves of grief/turmoil even out and become more manageable and further apart. (My M's been gone for 3 years now)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/20/2008 6:53:51 PM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
I'm sorry you lost your wife, John. Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. It means a lot.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/21/2008 12:54:51 PM
|
|
|
benelchi
Posts: 3636
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TNBelle
Benelchi and John,
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. Sometimes an "attagirl" is as uplifting as a hug, you know?
And thank you, Benelchi, for reminding me that six months is really a short time. I've always been such an even-tempered laid-back sort of person that the emotional upheaval seems like it has lasted years. I'm just not used to living in turmoil, and it feels eternal.
We do have wonderful friends and family and church family, the love and support we continue to receive is tangible and such a blessing. I don't know where we'd be today without them.
John, I haven't sought professional counseling yet but it may be time to do so. I'll check out the Focus website and see if there is anyone in our area. My church is very small and doesn't have that kind of staff, but may also have a list of local Christian counselors.
Belle
Your very welcome, and welcome to the forums here.
I am glad to hear that you have such good support from your family, friends, and church. That kind of support is invaluable when you are going through really tough times; without it, it is easy to quickly loose perspective.
Christian counseling is something to consider, but if you do so, choose carefully. Some Christian counselors approach counseling no differently than do the secular counselors. Focus on the Family would be a good place for references, but I would also strongly recommend asking a counselor a few questions like "How is your faith in God expressed in your counseling practice?" before signing up. Some see almost a wall between their expression of faith, and their professional practice of counseling. There is an interesting book that deals with this issue a bit called "How Christianity lost its mind, and Psychology lost its soul", and although I don't agree with all of the conclusions (it leans a little too much towards the ideals of secular counseling for my taste), it is still worth a read.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/21/2008 2:28:47 PM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
Some Christian counselors approach counseling no differently than do the secular counselors. Focus on the Family would be a good place for references, but I would also strongly recommend asking a counselor a few questions like "How is your faith in God expressed in your counseling practice?" before signing up. Some see almost a wall between their expression of faith, and their professional practice of counseling.
Thank you, Benelchi. This is one of several reasons I haven't sought counseling yet. To tell you the truth, I keep waffling on whether or not it's a good idea for us.
I don't think I really need it for myself, individually. The first three months, my mother moved in with us and she allowed me to just completely fall to pieces, be completely broken, for as long as I needed. I'm no expert, but I think that was exactly what I needed at the time. I was allowed to be completely "inside myself" until I was ready to surface. Mom saved my life, I think, and most days I'm able to function well.
But as for how best to help my child, on that I'm unsure and I might need some one-on-one guidance. Thank you for the book suggestion, I'll see if I can get my hands on a copy. I certainly do not want to hire a counselor without having a good idea of how his/her beliefs influence their practice.
Belle
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/24/2008 4:14:50 PM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
Okay, let's lighten up this thread a little bit! I'm having a problem with my 10 year old son, and I want to know if the way I'm thinking of handling it would be too embarrassing for him.
He has this habit of taking his bath without using soap. That's right, just gets in the water and soaks, washes his hair, and gets out. I remind him to use soap, I inspect him after a bath and make him do it again if he hasn't used soap. This hasn't worked.
I figured the next time he did this I would serenely take him by the hand, lead him up the stairs and into the bathroom, and then proceed to give him a bath as if he were a two year old. What do you think? Too much? Not enough? Would it work?
It was humorous the first 20 or so times he did it (I didn't let on, but I thought it was kind of cute in a "boys will be boys kind of way"), but I'm getting concerned about the effect of all that hot water on my utility bills. Plus, you know, that whole disobedience/disrespect thing.
Thanks!
Belle
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/24/2008 4:54:56 PM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
I think it will work.
You should only have to do it once. After that the embarrassment will kick in. "Do you really want me to wash you again!?"
Good luck with that! *huggles*
Thanks! I'm counting on it being embarrassing, I just don't want it to be too much. Any other suggestions?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/24/2008 5:56:15 PM
|
|
|
benelchi
Posts: 3636
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TNBelle
Okay, let's lighten up this thread a little bit! I'm having a problem with my 10 year old son, and I want to know if the way I'm thinking of handling it would be too embarrassing for him.
He has this habit of taking his bath without using soap. That's right, just gets in the water and soaks, washes his hair, and gets out. I remind him to use soap, I inspect him after a bath and make him do it again if he hasn't used soap. This hasn't worked.
I figured the next time he did this I would serenely take him by the hand, lead him up the stairs and into the bathroom, and then proceed to give him a bath as if he were a two year old. What do you think? Too much? Not enough? Would it work?
It was humorous the first 20 or so times he did it (I didn't let on, but I thought it was kind of cute in a "boys will be boys kind of way"), but I'm getting concerned about the effect of all that hot water on my utility bills. Plus, you know, that whole disobedience/disrespect thing.
Thanks!
Belle
I have also had this problem with my younger son. I have just sent him back for another bath when he has done this.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/24/2008 7:48:45 PM
|
|
|
TNBelle
Posts: 419
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
I have also had this problem with my younger son. I have just sent him back for another bath when he has done this.
I do send him back, but it's getting rather ridiculous. I believe I have reached my limit on sending him back. Time for something to get his attention! 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/24/2008 8:16:53 PM
|
|
|
SamsonUSA
Posts: 1055
Joined: 10/5/2008
Status: offline
|
I just wanted to give a high five ^ to all of you single parents for the Godly ways you are raising your children. Even though I've never been blessed with kids I have worked with them extensively. So be encouraged and keep up the good work as Godly parents. I know the kids at the shelter I worked at wished their parents had cared enough to discipline them.
_____________________________
Knowledge humbles great men, astonishes the common man, and puffs up the little man
Chubby babies rock!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: The Single Parent support Thread - 10/25/2008 1:01:35 PM
|
|
|
Psalms274
Posts: 2246
Joined: 8/13/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TNBelle
Okay, let's lighten up this thread a little bit! I'm having a problem with my 10 year old son, and I want to know if the way I'm thinking of handling it would be too embarrassing for him.
He has this habit of taking his bath without using soap. That's right, just gets in the water and soaks, washes his hair, and gets out. I remind him to use soap, I inspect him after a bath and make him do it again if he hasn't used soap. This hasn't worked.
I figured the next time he did this I would serenely take him by the hand, lead him up the stairs and into the bathroom, and then proceed to give him a bath as if he were a two year old. What do you think? Too much? Not enough? Would it work?
It was humorous the first 20 or so times he did it (I didn't let on, but I thought it was kind of cute in a "boys will be boys kind of way"), but I'm getting concerned about the effect of all that hot water on my utility bills. Plus, you know, that whole disobedience/disrespect thing.
Thanks!
Belle
When I taught parenting classes for Juvenile Justice to parents with kids out of control ... this is the exact principle we used! (We used it with different behavior problems, but the principle is the same.)
But before you do this, let him know that if he does not wash with soap, that you will take that as a sign that he hasn't learned how to as of yet, so it will be your job as a mom to help him with his bath. Then if he still does not use the soap, follow through ... always, always do what you say you will do. You'll be amazed how the testing comes to a halt when he knows you WILL follow through with what you say you will do.
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
Linus, my dog, little Kaleigh and Sally!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
Can I have one more day with them as tots that would ride on my feet? 
But then again, diaper-duty doesn't appeal to me much. 
