Apologies (Full Version)

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phosadaud -> Apologies (10/7/2008 4:06:04 PM)

Having had to apologize plenty of time myself and being in enough heated threads over the years, I have been thinking about apologies. This seems to be one of those areas where there are all kinds of thoughts regarding how to handle when we offend others. I have compiled some of my thoughts over the years.

WARNING: While many of these are based on my experiences, I am not thinking of any particular incident. These are things I have thought about over my several years of posting on these forums. This is NOT the place to demand apologies of other posters and if you realize you have something to apologize for, I would ask that you go to the thread the offense took place and address it there (unless it's in this thread [8D]).

Anyway, these are my basic thoughts.

1. If I offend someone, I try to honestly look at what I've said to see if I genuinely did cause offense or maybe what I wrote could have led to other meanings that I had not intended and that caused hurt. This may take time if I am upset. I believe we can only really look at things honestly, if we have a calm spirit. For me, this can be a very difficult thing to do but I believe it is necessary even if the honest look into my heart leads me to a mess I'd rather not deal with.

2. I do not apologize if I believe there is nothing to apologize for. If I was honest and respectful and my words were not such that they could have been read in a different way and the person who is upset is simply being unreasonable, that is their problem not mine. I will not lie to try and "make peace" with someone. I believe honesty doesn't always lead to "peace". Scripture says as much as you are ABLE, live at peace with one another. It doesn't say, live at peace with one another.

3. If I offend someone publicly, I believe I should apologize publicly. As such, on a public forum, I believe a public apology is the only way to address a public offense. I will not PM an apology unless it was in a PM that I caused offense. The only time I may PM someone is to give additional info that should not be public knowledge.

4. I believe apologies are necessary. I do not believe that just moving on and pretending like nothing happened and hoping everything goes back to norml is ok. If I hurt someone, I need to swallow my pride and deal with it - not ignore it and hope it goes away.

5. I believe that if I accuse someone of something wrong or of a bad heart attitude or I misread their post and it turns out I was wrong, I should apologize and try to be more careful next time. I do not believe an apology is "oh, I didn't see that". I believe an apology expresses regret and seeks restoration.


Comments? Disagreements? Agreements? What do you all think about apologies?



Qtman -> RE: Apologies (10/7/2008 4:13:22 PM)

1 through 5 just about sums it up.



Memaw. -> RE: Apologies (10/7/2008 4:15:54 PM)

quote:

demand apologies


I have always felt if you demand an apology, the apology isn't genuine.

Mom:
Say you're sorry to your sister.

Me:
SOR-RY![&:]


Otherwise, I see it as you do.
I believe if the offense happened publicly like on a forums board, then by all means apologize publicly, on that forums board.
IMO a witness isn't a good witness if their witness is in secrecy.



phosadaud -> RE: Apologies (10/7/2008 4:25:08 PM)

Hehe! I have a family member who would make her kids look you in the eye and "sound" apologetic. We didn't think she was teaching them to have good hearts. We thought she was teaching them how to be good liars... [8D]

That's a good point about the witnessing part. Someone reading these forums sees us be a jerk then never sees an apology? Hmmm. Guess what they are thinking! [;)]



mvic -> RE: Apologies (10/7/2008 7:17:03 PM)

I agree with what you say.

The problem with written communications (like these Forums) is that you can't see the person's facial expressions, tone of voice etc ... so sometimes you may cause offence without realising it or meaning to. Not just offence to the person you're addressing, but also to all others reading your post who may think that what you've said is a little insensitive or harsh. I know there are those little faces (emoticons?) one can use; but not as effective as real communications are they?

Also, there's the problem of language. It is said that the UK and US are two countries separated by a common language. The way we say certain things here in the UK are sometimes mis-understood in the US - and vice versa. So I can easily cause offence without realising that I have. (Are moderators reading this?).

Finally, there's the question of doctrine. Some people believe strongly in something whilst others are convinced it is wrong. In such situations you inevitably, unwittingly, cause offence especially if your point of view is totally opposed to that of others. In such cases no apology is needed and both parties should agree to differ. But this doesn't always happen and I've seen in these Forums vicious dog-fights on points of belief.

All in all, what you're saying is correct. We should apologise, publicly if needs be, when we cause offence. For my part I try my best not to cause offence in the first place. But I suspect I'm not always good at it.

God bless.

P.S. Apologies for going on at length.



Liveloved -> RE: Apologies (10/7/2008 8:57:43 PM)

quote:

Comments? Disagreements? Agreements? What do you all think about apologies?


Kristin,

A long time ago a friend gave me some counsel which I was surprised at at the time but I came to understand and see this counsel as wise. This seems an appropriate place to pass it on.

At the time I was a part of a worship team at our church. One of the other team members became upset and what she said was that she felt a couple of us (myself included) had an 'attitude' toward her and because of this, she quit. I was oblivious to what she was talking about (as were the others). And my initial thought was 'this is her problem'.

But my friend said to me that as long as this was her perception of the reality, I had to respond to her perception, believe her perception and respond to what from her viewpoint she was perceiving. (Hope that doesn't sound too confusing.) Anyway, the Lord showed me that my friend was right. This woman's perception IS her reality. So I apologized for my part in what she was perceiving. (Even though I did not perceive it at all.) I won't even bother asking you if this all makes sense at this point.

But I guess the point is that I was honoring this woman by saying I was indeed sorry for what she was perceiving. If I was communicating something to her, I was oblivious and had no intention of doing so.

And ya know, it made all the difference to her. I honored her. I respected her view. Even though I did not see it her way, I said (by apologizing) that she mattered and her viewpoint was valid. And my apology also communicated to her that I was willing to humble myself, not stand on my 'rightness', and insted I was willing to bend to her. It brought peace.

I would NEVER have come to this action on my own...I don't think. It took an older and wiser person to help me. But since then I have encountered people with adult children who had some very hard and difficult perceptions of what it was to be raised by their parents. The parents just argued and told the adult children they were wrong.

I don't think the adult children are wrong at all. I think the parents are wrong and need to believe the viewpoint, the reality, of their children. And because of their unwillingness to do this, their relationship is broken.

Anyway, that's my lengthy response to your needful thread. Thanks for those who followed me to the end. You deserve to be blessed![:)] LL



lexie -> RE: Apologies (10/8/2008 10:40:29 AM)

Apologies...grrr....this is something that has been on my mind for a while now.

Recently something was said to me by another member of the church, that was offensive and deliberatly hurtful. I tried to explain my actions (because the thing was said as a result of my actions) but I wasn't allowed. So the issue ended up before the church.

I told the person that what they said hurt me. They quickly said "I'm sorry that what I said hurt you." When I began to explain how it hurt me (because this person has a history of saying things that hurt others) they didn't let me finish and said "I told you I was sorry." To me that wasn't a true apology then, if we're not going to try to fix things so it doesn't happen again.

The person who offended me also has a history of just apologizing and thinking that makes things better. And then they become a repeat offender. Now, I find it very hard to believe them when they apologize for something, and I was saddened to find out that I'm not the first person in the church to think this of them.



doinkdom -> RE: Apologies (10/8/2008 11:45:22 AM)

I strive to live by these:

Matthew 5:23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Col 3:12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

and I usually fail miserably



phosadaud -> RE: Apologies (10/8/2008 3:21:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Liveloved
And ya know, it made all the difference to her. I honored her. I respected her view. Even though I did not see it her way, I said (by apologizing) that she mattered and her viewpoint was valid. And my apology also communicated to her that I was willing to humble myself, not stand on my 'rightness', and insted I was willing to bend to her. It brought peace.


I agree - to a point. I think when folks have a critical spirit and choose to find fault in things even when there is no fault to have, I do not believe we are honoring them to apologize. If the sinful attitude rests with them, I don't believe it is valid. I don't see that in Scripture either. Jesus offended plenty of folks, but He never apologized for it because it was sinful hearts that led to them taking offense.

Now, I'm not talking about when there is a legitimate misunderstanding. I have had plenty of occasions where I have posted something that wasn't bad at all, but someone got upset for a variety of reasons and when I looked at it, I could see how what I said maybe wasn't clear or could be read another way. In that circumstance, I would apologize for not being clear or such.



Liveloved -> RE: Apologies (10/8/2008 3:39:57 PM)

quote:

I agree - to a point. I think when folks have a critical spirit and choose to find fault in things even when there is no fault to have, I do not believe we are honoring them to apologize. If the sinful attitude rests with them, I don't believe it is valid. I don't see that in Scripture either. Jesus offended plenty of folks, but He never apologized for it because it was sinful hearts that led to them taking offense.


For me to apologize is not to say she is right in her perception. But what it does say is that her feelings have been hurt and for that I am sorry. My intent was to acknowledge her feelings and let her know that I do feel bad for her.

Most of these situations are rooted in not living loved. This woman, for example, is very insecure. And I know she perceives things from that fearful, insecure place. And I want to live love to her. So I did it by acknowledging that her perception was important to me, that I had no desire or intent to harm her, that I indeed loved her and wanted the best for her. And I find this to be the Lord's attitude towards me as well and for that I am very thankful.



rcjames -> RE: Apologies (10/8/2008 3:49:18 PM)

If someone thinks I have offended them I apologize.

If I realize I overstepped the bounds of civility I apologize for my actions.

If after due consederation I do not think I overstepped the bounds of civility or decorum; then I tell them that I am sorry they were offended for it was not my intend to offend.

Thsnks
RC



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