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applemom -> love languages (10/7/2008 11:40:20 AM)

I am trying to figure out my hubby's love language. I know it isn't touch or gifts.

Can't determine if it is quality time or acts of service.

He does a fair amount talking, not listening, not sharing either really, relaying events from his day, complaining and explaining.

Gary Smalley has a new book, in promoting it he states that one of the most important things for a spouse is to feel safe in the relationship.
So I'm thinking more speaking his love language is a good start.



DaveW -> RE: love languages (10/7/2008 12:56:50 PM)

I have looked thru the languages book, my wife read it entirley. I am not sure his list is exhaustive.

Talk to your husband, ask him if x makes him feel loved, if y does or not; and do that with anything and everything that comes to mind. He probably has a unique mix.



raivyne -> RE: love languages (10/7/2008 1:03:14 PM)

A lot of people have said that His Needs, Her Needs is a more inclusive/expansive book - not nearly as general as the love languages book. I've not yet read either of them, but they are both on the reading list.



jaimestarcross -> RE: love languages (10/7/2008 4:30:52 PM)

I think the Bible offers really good points
when it comes to dealing with other people.
Listen to what they say, watch them as they interact with others(you can learn a lot by watching how your mate interacts with others), pray for
people/loved ones/neighbors etc; encourage when someone needs it,
weep with those who are weeping, celebrate with those who are celebrating and so on.
Sometime the best thing you can say to your husband when he comes in from work is sincere praise like: honey, I'm so glad you're home - I love you so much for providing us... thank you!
Add a hug or kiss to that and see what happens.



allisonbrett -> RE: love languages (10/7/2008 7:25:04 PM)

raivyne, I've read them both. Both are good reads and very insightful. [:)]

I don't think it's all important to over analyze your husband to figure out how to categorize him. The book is meant to be a guideline and communication help in figuring out how we expect love to be shown and how we show it ourselves. Communication is key beyond trying to figure out what he is actually saying. Maybe we all need to learn better verbal skills. Might make life a little less confusing. [:D]



buckifn -> RE: love languages (10/7/2008 8:35:38 PM)

Sometimes it is best if a book helps us realize we are not a "one size fits all" people. I don't know of any of my friends, or any women who like to be lumped in one category just because of their gender.

I think that book is overused for a cure-all approach and is just one of MANY helpful resources available for us today. The best way to know what is in your husbands heart is hold his hand and pray with him each day. Read God's Word together and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you both in prayer time.

He knows us better than we know ourselves!



Szaftoo -> RE: love languages (10/8/2008 9:32:52 AM)

The best way to know his love language is by his reaction to each one. How does he respond to each one and when do you know he feels really loved?
I try and incorporate all of the languages into my marriage, but my husband definitely responds more to "physical touch".



applemom -> RE: love languages (10/8/2008 2:41:17 PM)

Yah pray and hold his hand. Not likely to happen this side of heaven.

I agree the book is a bit overrated, most, if not all people have degrees of each area.
Listening and paying attention, just not always sure what I am looking for.

Love to here what you think about the His needs/Her needs book.

Good suggestions as always, thank you.



laura... -> RE: love languages (10/8/2008 2:46:48 PM)

quote:

The best way to know his love language is by his reaction to each one. How does he respond to each one and when do you know he feels really loved?


Actually, the best way to know his love language is to have him do the survey in the back of the book. &:)

Stop guessing. Take the time to have him do the survey. It can be a fun intimacy builder. My hubby did the survey by me asking him each question as we were driving somewhere.



Laminin -> RE: love languages (10/12/2008 11:56:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: applemom

I am trying to figure out my hubby's love language. I know it isn't touch or gifts.

Can't determine if it is quality time or acts of service.

He does a fair amount talking, not listening, not sharing either really, relaying events from his day, complaining and explaining.

Gary Smalley has a new book, in promoting it he states that one of the most important things for a spouse is to feel safe in the relationship.
So I'm thinking more speaking his love language is a good start.


You know, I went through a marriage/singals seminar not too long ago and one of the topics was that infamous book you speak of; the love languages. As important as it is to have our mate tell us their love language, it's just as their mate to realize that with every season the language will change. For example, one season his/her love lanuage might be gifts. Ok well shower them with gifts and watch the world spin off it's axis! Right?! Right. Perhaps their next season, they're a little more intune and quality time becomes their language. Ok so we go from gifts to quality time. Should be an easy transition, and it can be too.

I don't think I realized that before the class. I always figured that once you were told by your mate his/her love language(s) (we can have more than one, or two, or three) that it never changed. Such not the case [:D] completely and totally depends on their season! So, I encourage all to keep the communication open, check every now and then as to what season your partner is in and if necessary, re evaluate the love language and make your marriage all that it can be for His glory. [:D]

Another good book, and I forget the author, but it's about the DNA of Relationships; excellent read if I say so myself.



1love1God1way -> RE: love languages (10/13/2008 2:21:31 AM)

The fact is: The book isn't suppose to be saying that you only have ONE love language. You can have more. You can have two that are equal, although, most times, one will be more dominate.

I don't think the book is the problem. I think people just take it to an extreme. It's how they interpret the book.



Laminin -> RE: love languages (10/13/2008 10:13:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way

The fact is: The book isn't suppose to be saying that you only have ONE love language. You can have more. You can have two that are equal, although, most times, one will be more dominate.

I don't think the book is the problem. I think people just take it to an extreme. It's how they interpret the book.


Pretty much.



Row1 -> RE: love languages (10/14/2008 10:15:19 AM)

Hi, Applemom-
here is my guess:

You have not yet gotten to the stage of being able to figure out his love language.

He comes home from work. His mind is focused on work issues and challenges. He has not yet switched gears to mentally be at home. His mind is elsewhere. Any loving you try to lay on him will not be well-received.

So, if my guess is right, if I were you, I would switch my focus. Your challenge might actually be to help him switch gears froom work-focus to home-focus.

He may not realize he is "bringing his work home with him," AND that is damaging the quality of his home relationships - including his marriage.

So it is possible that you could help him figure out that this is going on. Maybe get him to see that, with work taking over his home life, things are even worse than he thought. It seems like he wants work to be less of a difficulty in his life, not more. Help him fight it.

For me, I get like that a lot. Work is heavy on my mind when I get home. One thig that helps me is this:

feeling heard.

I say a lot, but I keep repeating things because I get no feedback that my message has been received and understood.

The answer can be very simple. First, pay attn to what he is saying. Then summarize it. Say something factual, and acknowledge the emotion. Like: you say: "It sounds like [fill in the blank: some other department, some other person, etc. ] is trying to shift more work onto [fil in blank: you, your department, etc.], and it sounds like you are getting frustrated [or whatever you guess]. That sounds aggravating."

If he feels like his message has been heard, he should seem happy to be heard. Like giving you a "yes!"

After the 'steam' seems to be running out of the issue, then you can say: well, let's at least enjoy our time away from work.

Or, you could ask: is there anything I could do to help you out?

In other words: help him transition his mind from work to home.

Once his mind is on home, THEN you can start to figure out the love languages.

It could be: Acts of service. Providing for his family could be very important. That is how I am. So, I want my wife to support me in my work. Like, if I have to take work home, help me by letting me work uninterrupted! Or, if I say something good happened, show some enthusiasm! Because I am trying to succeed at work as an act of service to my wife - to provide a home.

I hope this helps!



applemom -> RE: love languages (10/14/2008 1:11:46 PM)

There has been some really great advice in this thread I appreciate the time everyone has taken to respond.


Row1 i think you have pinned it exactly. You certainly describe my husband, I may not have described him like that but I recognize him as you describe yourself.

It is just as you say, he is telling me about his day before he is all the way in the house.
He hates it if I every try to point out a bright side to him. Conmiserateing with him has been very hard for me as it feels like focusing on the negative. (He rarely has anything positive to say, his talk consists almost exclusively of complaints of one kind or another)
But as you explain it I see I don't have to agree just affirm to him I hear him and sympathize with his frustration.
You are sooo right, he sees his work as his primary function, he is doing it for me. urrg.
I live in a vaccum of emptiness because all his energy/time/focus go to his work.

I guess this does answer the question tho, his primary love language is acts of service.
Since I come from a background of women are supposed to serve their men (thats why God made women-to clean and cook etc)attitude this is the hardest language for me to speak.

More prayer.



Elena1030 -> RE: love languages (10/17/2008 2:43:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: applemom

It is just as you say, he is telling me about his day before he is all the way in the house.
He hates it if I every try to point out a bright side to him. Commiserating with him has been very hard for me as it feels like focusing on the negative. (He rarely has anything positive to say; his talk consists almost exclusively of complaints of one kind or another.)
But as you explain it, I see I don't have to agree: just affirm to him that I hear him and sympathize with his frustration.


I know what you mean. I too have seen the unproductiveness (even destruction) that commiserating with someone of a critical spirit and fault-finding (read: focusing on the negative all the time) personality can do. (I ought to know; I am that sort of person in my flesh nature.) So... yes, your focusing on the positive is not a bad thing. What you now understand is that your husband isn't looking for you to fix things or change him/his attitudes but to affirm him, to let him know that someone is on HIS side.

Perhaps at other times, when he's not coming into the house straightaway from work and is not still stewing in a bad mood/attitude, you can be available to offer different ways to view the situations that bother him so much. But let him ask for your input.

Try going for at least 3 weeks without offering unsolicited advice. See what happens! =)


quote:

I guess this does answer the question though; his primary love language is acts of service.
Since I come from a background of women are supposed to serve their men (thats why God made women—to clean and cook, etc.) attitude, this is the hardest language for me to speak.


I'm confused.... Is it that you are trying to combat the attitudes of your upbringing that makes it hard for you to speak the acts of service language?



And I think the praying and holding hands idea is still a good one. Try it before you go to sleep... or at some other time when both of you are more relaxed.



buckifn -> RE: love languages (10/17/2008 10:55:57 PM)

quote:

Yah pray and hold his hand. Not likely to happen this side of heaven


It can happen very easily...just do it. I can't imagine being in a marriage without that every day.



applemom -> RE: love languages (11/2/2008 10:13:35 AM)

Yes well, I must admit I can't imagine being in the marriage I have either. It isn't that the idea isn't a great one, just that my husband hasn't read any of the marriage manuals. So he doesn't know that once in a while he is supposed to do something I want to do!

I am glad you can't imagine He works very hard, often in miserable conditions, willingly does without so the kids can have..... he simply feels his responsibility as a husband is limited to work.
In no way is he a husband, he is a great boss. As long as I think of him that way we get along fine.

Holding hands.....praying together.....my fantasy not his.



csl7037 -> RE: love languages (11/2/2008 10:31:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: applemom

Yes well, I must admit I can't imagine being in the marriage I have either. It isn't that the idea isn't a great one, just that my husband hasn't read any of the marriage manuals. So he doesn't know that once in a while he is supposed to do something I want to do!

I am glad you can't imagine He works very hard, often in miserable conditions, willingly does without so the kids can have..... he simply feels his responsibility as a husband is limited to work.
In no way is he a husband, he is a great boss. As long as I think of him that way we get along fine.

Holding hands.....praying together.....my fantasy not his.


God can change him - but you can't. I spent years wishing dh would change in a million little ways, not paying enough attention to the treasure I really had or the bazillion little things I needed to be changing about myself! You're only responsible for the kind of wife that you are, not the kind of husband that he is - that's between him and God.

I promise you, though, if you focus on becoming the wife He wants you to be, pray and trust that He wants to make your marriage even better than your fantasy and that He's the only one who can, He will be able to begin an amazing work in your home. I've seen God do this in my dh over the last few years - and I didn't always like what I saw! And God didn't do it the way I thought He should - not at all!! As a matter of fact, He let dh fall into some very real, very hurtful sin to give us both a big ol' wake up call. Where my marriage is, and where it's going, is going to be undeniably by the power of God; He removed me completely from the process so that I couldn't screw it up and also so that I couldn't get any of the glory.

Something I'm also realizing right now, is that I've got to rely on God's Word, not on "pop-psychology" even when it's disguised as Christian "wisdom". Love Languages was good, we read it years ago - but it didn't do a darn thing for my marriage. We're reading "His Needs, Her Needs" now - and we're reading it TOGETHER! [sm=dance.gif] But you'd probably not choose to endure what we've come up against in recent weeks to get us finally on the same page - but if that's what it took, I'm thanking God for the struggles...it's brought a miracle. This book is much better, IMO, but we're also reading it at a point of being very ready to finally hear it and ready to really apply it. If we'd read it a couple years ago it probably wouldn't have made much impact either. But, although I'm enjoying this book, and reading a lot of stuff about the struggle we're in right now, I've become radically aware that I need to focus on what God's Word says. While "conventional wisdom" (even found in Christian books) would say I'm entirely entitled to be in a full on rage right now, angry, bitter, resentful and a big puddle on the floor - God's Word says to be anxious for nothing...and so much more about how I'm really to act toward dh and how to really trust the Lord.

The books are nice, you might get some tips, but they're not going to solve any problems or bring about any change without God's intervention. And be warned, when you ask Him to bring change, He's going to bring it down on both of you. It's absolutely worth it to submit to what He wants to do (and stop trying to do it yourself).



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: love languages (11/3/2008 9:31:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW
I have looked thru the languages book, my wife read it entirley. I am not sure his list is exhaustive.


that is most common complaint i hear about the book that it's too general/broad. i much prefer dr. harley's (most important emotional needs (link) ) from his needs, her needs (HNHN) which gets a lot more specific and includes 10 vs 5. for example, chapman's physical touch is pretty general as there is not just one type of touch. in HNHN's it would perhaps be part of affection (non-sexual touching) and sexual fulfilment. i agree, going over questions with your spouse is a good exercise ... The Emotional Needs Questionnaire (link)



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