spouse involved with alcohol (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Theology] >> Morality & Ethics



Message

photofilly -> spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:05:43 PM)

My husband of three years has been drinking for the last 2 years of our marriage. We've had a not tolerance household when it comes to that due the destruction in his first marriage on both parts. He does not 'drink in excess', but I don't know what changed......I've tried to watch if something was triggering it, but know. It seems to come out of the blue for no reason. I don't understand and it is causing real strife. What is a spouse to do?



raivyne -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:12:35 PM)

Have you tried approaching your spouse with your concerns and/or fears? You said you've had a no tolerance household, does that mean he agreed to something before you guys were married? If this is something you guys talked about a lot previously I would continue to try and reach out to him. Pray about it also.



MrFribbles -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:12:52 PM)

I'm a bit confused by your wording. You say there is no drinking to excess. Where, exactly, is the problem, then?



photofilly -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:25:22 PM)

This has been going on for two years, so yes, I have reached out to him. I have tried everything. The problem lies with the fact that before we were married and discussed this, we both had the same conviction that consuming alcohol at all was a sin. And actually, some times it is in what some people call "excess." It has not been that bad for quite a while though. But he deffinately has no remource and does not care how much it hurts me. It only bothers him for our daugter to know; he hides it from her. Which leads me to believe he is still convicted that it is wrong, but does not want to change.



Liveloved -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:53:54 PM)

Did you ever consider the fact that he could be 'hiding' it because of your attitude toward alcohol and which your daughter is probably aware of? Our attitudes can create all kinds of situations that sometimes we are oblivious to.

You said he was in agreement with you before the marriage. I don't know your relationship (obviously) but perhaps he felt he had no choice but to agree? If your view is a particularly strong one, sometimes people 'agree' rather than fight, KWIM?

And if you are totally against any alcohol consumption, perhaps your view of what is 'excessive' is not accurate. Two or three beers or a couple glasses of wine in an evening is not excessive alcohol consumption.

Just throwing out some things for you to think about. And like I said, I do not know you or your relationship so I'm just putting things out there in an effort to help---certainly not wanting to offend. Bless ya!



raivyne -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 4:55:15 PM)

I agree if he really thought it was a good thing, he wouldn't be trying to hide it. Continue to pray for God to convict and change his heart about this. Talk to your pastor and/or a christian counselor about it as well. I don't have any profound advice to offer you other than that. Sorry.



MrFribbles -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/6/2008 7:14:16 PM)

Speaking as a husband, and please don't take this the wrong way, but consider that marriage is a two way street. Sometimes our spouses do things we don't especially like, but are not necessarily, for them, sinful. There's no biblical prohibition on alcohol consumption, so it could be that your husband really doesn't see anything wrong with it.
On the other hand, you clearly think it is wrong, and he should respect that. Have the two of you sat down and really talked out the situation yet?



photofilly -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/7/2008 11:09:40 AM)

Yes, we have sat down a talked about this many, many times over the past two years. And I am happy to report, after last night we are moving forward!



JazTek -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/9/2008 1:13:29 PM)

Yes, we have sat down a talked about this many, many times over the past two years. And I am happy to report, after last night we are moving forward!
[/quote]

In what way? Also, I'm curious, how much did he drink that was considered excessive.



IonMoon -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/9/2008 3:22:00 PM)

You said he had problems with drinking in his first marriage, so I am going to assume he is an alcoholic. An alcoholic cannot drink. It is that simple. He may be able to drink for a while without it becoming a problem or it may seem a beer here & there won't hurt- but unless he lets it go completely, the first time he hits a road bump, it will be the first thing he turns to. If this is the case for your dh- he is an alcoholic who is drinking (even if not "in excess"), he needs to stop and IMO, you need to set boundaries about this. Hiding/covering up drinking, BTW is a major red-flag.

Now, if my guess on that was wrong, and he is just a normal drinker who has never had a problem with alcohol, and the only problem is that you two had an agreement to a dry household before marriage... well, than the two of you need to talk it out. Maybe you need to compromise a bit and are being too legalistic. There would be a trust/honesty issue to work through, because he is breaking an agreement. If he had decided he no longer believed in what the two of you agreed upon, he should have come to you and worked it out BEFORE he made the decision to break that agreement.

But, it really sounds to me like he is an alcoholic and that needs to be addressed before it destroys him, you, and your kids. And it is not about JUST stopping the drinking, but also finding out why, finding healing for whatever is going on inside him, and learning to change his behaviors/attitudes regarding life in general.

Tara P



IonMoon -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/9/2008 3:25:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Liveloved
And if you are totally against any alcohol consumption, perhaps your view of what is 'excessive' is not accurate. Two or three beers or a couple glasses of wine in an evening is not excessive alcohol


I just want to point out that amount of alcohol consumed has nothing (or little) to do with whether someone has a problem with alcohol.

Tara P



Liveloved -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/10/2008 1:57:27 PM)

quote:

I just want to point out that amount of alcohol consumed has nothing (or little) to do with whether someone has a problem with alcohol.

Tara P


True enough. It was the 'excessive' I was referring to. And for someone who is intolerant of any alcohol use, a thimble full could be viewed as 'excessive'. I'm not saying that is this person's view; only explaining my own. LL



Hayseed -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/11/2008 10:55:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: raivyne

I agree if he really thought it was a good thing, he wouldn't be trying to hide it. Continue to pray for God to convict and change his heart about this. Talk to your pastor and/or a christian counselor about it as well. I don't have any profound advice to offer you other than that. Sorry.


Or pray for God to convict you and change your heart about this if it's really nothing more than being legalistic. Of course how can one be really "legal" about something there is no law about other than abuse?

If your spouse is an alcoholic then that's another story... but I figure you would have mentioned that in the OP if that were really the case.



stonek -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/11/2008 12:23:32 PM)

I think one point some of you are missing is that two people after discussing an important shared conviction get married only to find out down the road that one changes is a bit difficult.

There are many things in a marriage that don't matter a whole lot whether you both agree or like the same things, but when it comes to values and convictions I believe it is important to be on the same page or very close to it.

We do not drink and I would imagine it would be difficult if one of us started drinking now, even beer. Afterall, my spouse would not have married me if I was drinker from the get go and I would have to say the same.



Wild-Rose -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/11/2008 3:21:32 PM)

People DO change! When you are 50 years old you are certainly different than you were when you were 20. We have to accept that people change. Part of loving each other is accepting the changes as time goes by. You can't expect a person to stay the same year after year. They grow and change and may think differently along the way. We should be able to accept most changes as long as it is not sinful or illegal.



IonMoon -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/12/2008 10:54:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose
People DO change! When you are 50 years old you are certainly different than you were when you were 20. We have to accept that people change. Part of loving each other is accepting the changes as time goes by. You can't expect a person to stay the same year after year. They grow and change and may think differently along the way. We should be able to accept most changes as long as it is not sinful or illegal.


We can/should/must accept that people change and be tolerant of changes in beliefs/values/etc; HOWEVER, we also have the right to expect our spouses to honor their commitments and regulate their behavior in that regard.

If my spouse and I get married with the agreement that we will not allow smoke in our home and my spouse later deicides to start smoking, that is breaking a commitment. And this does not matter whether we are talking about drinking, smoking, or watching television. ANY behavior/lifestyle that has been agreed upon before marriage should be honored.

A husband who has changed his beliefs has two choices: discuss it with his wife and come to a new agreement; discuss it with his wife and, if she still is convicted about it, honor his word- this is true of husbands and wives, both.

It isn't about whether drinking is okay or not or even whether he is an alcoholic or not- it is about the fact that he changed his behavior without any regard to his wife's feelings- very soon after their marriage, too, it sounds like- after making an agreement about the type of home they would have.

Tara P



Hayseed -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/12/2008 1:24:57 PM)

Maybe people need to be more careful in what they choose to call "sins" and not. Sounds like it gets one in a lot of trouble to make things sins that aren't. "Personal convictions" or otherwise. Maybe maturity is the goal?



Wild-Rose -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/12/2008 3:37:19 PM)

quote:

A husband who has changed his beliefs has two choices:


Obviously he has other choices, such as in the OP situation. A spouse can do what they want to do with little or no regard for how the other feels. But the husband did not ask for our advice, the wife did. We can go on and on talking about how he should act but that's not going to help her any. The question remains - What can SHE do about it. She can argue and fuss about it, or she can choose to let it go. Since it is not a sin and not illegal why not just let it go?

If she chooses to argue, debate, nag, bring it up for discussion continually, then that is her free choice, but will it make her happy? If all this happened before marriage then maybe it would have been a deal breaker. But they are already married. So is she going to divorce him over it? I doubt it. Does she want to live in stress and turmoil over it? I doubt it. Why not just forgive, forget, let it go, and move on in life.

I've been married for 32 years. Things happen. My husband was accused of sexual harassment at one point. Loved ones in the hospital. Babies born. Parents die. Financial troubles. Moving across the country. Separations (due to military). This problem about drinking a few beers once in a while seems so minor.

Yes, seeking maturity is a good way of saying it. Some things you've got to let go of.



poohgirl222 -> RE: spouse involved with alcohol (10/13/2008 10:12:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: photofilly

Yes, we have sat down a talked about this many, many times over the past two years. And I am happy to report, after last night we are moving forward!
That's good news.[:)] I'm glad you both are moving forward. We are not drinkers though I have had a glass of wine a few times while out to dinner in the past. My husband said from day one none is allowed in our home. If he changed his mind now I would be thrown too. In general, a drinker would be happier with a drinker and a smoker would be happier with a smoker I believe, so why not marry those who do to begin with. Glad to be on the same page.

God Bless You Both!



Page: [1]



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI