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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 11:50:27 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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flowerz,
Well I'm glad you explainned who/what was old. LOL
My daughter bought her own laptop also. Went a whole year in college before she could afford one tho. This last summer she put in extra time at work, just to beable to buy one. We also have a "family" computer they were all welcome to use.
I always found..the more you give them, and help them out, the more they expected from you.
My third child just went through a whole week w/o eletricity, because they did'ent pay the bill. Only ones I was worried about was my small grandsons. But it was'ent bitter cold yet..so all was well. The three year old found his toys again, and did'ent spend the whole day in front of that TV. And the baby did'ent seem to care one way or another. My son needs to take over the bill paying, because his wife does'ent do it well. Until he figures that out for himself, I'm sure they will go w/o alot of things.
It's called "Live and Learn" May be the hard way..but it will hopefully make a better man out of him.
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 11:52:31 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Now I sound like a "mean mom" again
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My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 12:49:27 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
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LOL- nothing wrong with that kind of mean, Bubbles!
My daughter has saved every penny she has ever made to put toward her college. Unfortunately, college is expensive! Two years of savings is going fast.
We make too much to qualify for need-based financial aid. We agreed to pay up to the cost of going (tuition, room and board) to a public college, but she chose a smaller private school. She earned a scholarship that covers half of her tuition. However the tuition left over equals the cost of tuition, room and board at a private school. So that leaves the entire room and board bill left for the dear thing to pay up.
I think we have taught her to handle money well in money areas, especially to avoid debt. So far she has not had to borrow any money, but I don't think she can earn enough part-time to avoid it next semester-not if she pays for the computer. She does have the money right now to pay for the computer, but that means she will need to get more work or take out a loan for room and board next semester. 
But I think we're going to let her do that, actually. Next year she can choose to go to state school, or get her driver's license and pay for her insurance instead of paying room and board.
Since the computer she killed cost me $500, we decided to ask her to pay the first $500 of the next computer. That makes my share only $70. 
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 1:37:23 PM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Shadowspring,
Thanks for explainning. Now we all understand much better.
I beleive our lower income has helped my daughter attend her private college.
Sounds like your 19 year old is alot like my 19 year old daughter. Responsible. Hey..for only $70 I think I would put it towards the computer.
May I ask why she does'ent have her drivers license yet? Just wondering.
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 3:12:23 PM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Shadowspring,
Sure is funny bout college's huh? We were never able to put money aside for the kids furture schooling. It all went for the monthly bills and food. Our second child wanted to earn a degree and attended a tech. school. Took him two years, but he did it. Now he does'ent even work in that field. But I'm sure it helped him get his current job just the same.
The first and third child did'ent show any intrest in a further education. Then we had the fourth, and I could tell she was college bound. She finished top of her class in grade school, and second from top in high school. But she worked hard for it. Now the fifth child will be college bound I think. Time will tell. But he's got great grades all 10 years of schooling now.
Our kids wanted their license's as soon as they can get them. Mabey because we live in a small farming community. Everything is at least half an hours drive from our house. Plus they all got jobs as soon as they could. Sure took some of the pressure off me driveing them everywhere. Now that my daughter lives in a big city I'm sure she will take advantage of the public transportation.
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My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 3:31:03 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
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I am from a small town out west. Goodness, most of my friends back then were driving long before 16! If you farmed, you could drive on your own property without a license, plus you could operate farm machinery legally at any age.
But I was a town girl, so I had to wait. Still, I would've learned to drive fairly easily in our small town of 1500 people, but when I was fifteen we moved to the big city of 50,000 people. I took driver's ed between my junior and senior year, but I was not comfortable with all the traffic.
Now I live in a city of 800,00 in the greater ***** area. It scares me to drive around here!
And about the jobs, I got my first job in that small town at the tender age of 12! No fancy-dancy child labor laws out west, unless you were using dangerous machinery. Oh, and you needed a food handler's permit of you worked at a restaurant.
In this city, no one will hire you until you are sixteen. And then you have to register with the state for permission! I think it is because of the horrible history of the textile mills in this area. They were so greedy here that after slavery they franchised into child/slave labor in the textile mills.
Now you can't even hire a minor to sweep the floor without government approval.
My daughter applied for her first job two weeks before her 16th birthday. I made her look within walking distance. She was working the first week after her birthday.
I miss the freedom and emphasis on personal responsibility from out west. I'm a red-stater at heart, for sure.
< Message edited by shadowspring -- 10/23/2008 3:37:31 PM >
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/30/2008 9:57:39 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Well my almost 16 year old son had some friends over last night. One of them is the girl that calls him everynight.
He asked if he could go to the movie theater with them last night. But he already know I have to drive him there and pick him up. Well the movie they wanted to go to was 45 minutes away and first started at 9PM. Oh I did'ent want to do that. So I suggested he invite these kids here and watch a rented movie. Seems that was OK with the four other kids..so they all came over. Even asked, when they got here, if they should remove their shoes befor comeing in the liveingroom. I got to meet the young lady who calls here everynight, along with two other boys and another young girl. They range from grades 9th-12th. I was introduced to them all, we chatted for a few minutes, and told them to make themselfs at home, and enjoy the movie. I then went into my bedroom to watch TV. (I came out three times to check on them all) When the movie was over they placed their soda glasses in the sink and put the chips away before they left. What a nice group of kids. I did'ent relze we still had nice polite kids around.
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My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/30/2008 1:43:01 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bubbles5
Now I sound like a "mean mom" again
I disagree. I SO disagree.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 9:35:13 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Boats,
Glad you found this thread. I just found it also. Sure is nice here. It gives us parents a place to ask questions, brag about our kids, and give each other advice. Also helps them parents out there who hav'ent got to this stage with their own children. Hey...who could ask for anything better?
Abiyah,
Sometimes I do feel like a "mean mom" But I know I'm not...
When I watch my sisters "bail" their adult kids out of something, I feel that way. But then I think...how will they ever learn how to manage their life and money if I always "bail" them out? I watched my youngest sister always run to my dad when she got into a situation. Dad always helped her out with money...she never paid him back. How did that help her? She is 46 years old, and still needs daddie to help her out. She never grew up and accepted responsiblity.I feel my dad did more harm to her by helping her out, than good. He never let her grow up.What will she do when dad is'ent here anymore? At her age she will never learn now. So I don't want to do that to my kids. Some may feel (not talking about you folks) I'm really mean by letting my son, and his family go w/o eletricity for a week. But he's gotta learn the hard way. My kids don't come to me for money...they know I would'ent give it to them...and I don't have any extra anyways.
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 10:39:27 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8638
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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You know Bubbles...you are so right. My brother and I are 36 and 30 respectively and our father still bails us out of financial jams. We really aren't learning anything, and when we do we learn it much later than we probably should.
I think both of us are starting to lose our dependency on our parents, but it hasn't been easy. I'm trying to teach independence to my children but it's hard when you have grandma and grandpa smirking over your shoulder, "You didn't do that...why should they?"
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 12:23:02 PM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Tinkerbell,
Well thank you. I also want to let you all know I find nothing wrong with parents helping out their children or bailing them out, from time to time. But there's that FINE LINE on how much we..as parents..should do. IMO anyways. You do to much and they depend on you to much.
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 12:54:28 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bubbles5
Abiyah,
. . . I watched my youngest sister always run to my dad when she got into a situation. Dad always helped her out with money...she never paid him back. How did that help her? She is 46 years old, and still needs daddie to help her out. She never grew up and accepted responsiblity.I feel my dad did more harm to her by helping her out, than good. He never let her grow up.What will she do when dad is'ent here anymore? At her age she will never learn now. So I don't want to do that to my kids. Some may feel (not talking about you folks) I'm really mean by letting my son, and his family go w/o eletricity for a week. But he's gotta learn the hard way. My kids don't come to me for money...they know I would'ent give it to them...and I don't have any extra anyways.
Zzzactly. I know someone, who shall remain nameless, who did this to her stepson and damaged him terribly.
Oh, forget it. It was me.
And what will this woman do when Daddy is gone? She will come to you, sob story and promises and all.
But I love Tinkerbell's attitude. She has more than a chance of taking control with that attitude -- she is one who will make it!
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 1:11:53 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 412
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
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I've been reading the posts about bailing kids out and when you stop, does it really help etc. One thought I wanted to throw in here. I am 44 years old, due to circumstances way beyond our control we have needed help from DH parents. Does that mean they are enabling us? Does that mean we are irresponsible? My point is this look at the circumstances the adult child finds themselves in, was it beyond their control, could they have done things to prevent it, are they doing things now to prevent it in the future? Then decide if you are enabling them to stay dependant.
Kim Q
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 1:16:03 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4316
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From: The higher lowcountry
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Our rule is we don't pay bills...you (figuratively) created the bill, therefore you pay it.
BUT, we'll help buy groceries and such.
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 1:23:24 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
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From: a mother who let me live
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I think most parents know, whether or not they admit it, when they are enablers. When the adult-child lets it be known that they are going without food, medicine, utilities, etc., yet they have all the latest games, new clothes, money for the movies with a date, and they go out to eat -- then the parent is an enabler.
When the parent gives them money for food, and they buy junk food, packaged prepared food (more expensive), and other things with the money, the parent is an enabler.
When they say they are doing without food and the parent gives them food instead of money, and they complain, then they need to back off with the giving.
When they say they don't have money for insurance on the car, but they have money for cable, the tennis court, movies, etc., then the parent must back off.
When we don't allow our offspring to take the consequences of their choices, we are enablers, crippling our children.
When a child truly is in need, through no fault of their own, and we have the means to help but don't, we are not acting in wisdom, we are selfish, and we will be judged.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 2:18:44 PM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
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That's the FINE LINE I was talking about. I have been known to help out with cash, when they need gas money towards the end of their pay period. (just one example) Sometimes that pay check does'ent go that far. Hey..been there, done that. I help them all out when needed. But I try, very hard, not to make them dependent on me. Not to expect it all the time. Sometimes I feel like that momma bird...pushing them out of the nest...but I truely want my children to beable to make it on there own.
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 3:02:40 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
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From: a mother who let me live
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My children don't ask for anything. They just don't. On rare occasion, I have seen things and stepped in, but in the years they have been out of our home -- 18 years for my daughter and 10 years for my son -- the number of times they have asked us for anything can be counted on one hand, collectively. The most recent time was when my daughter just wanted an over-nighter in our house with her son, and the time previous was when my son was evacuated from his home by the fire department with what they could carry and put in two cars with their three children. Then, he merely asked for prayer and emotional support, but we also sent money.
I know that is bragging -- I freely admit it -- but I am proud of them. This is the way it should be for children not going through the "stuff" of their own making and choosing. It would be wrong for them not to accept help when it is truly needed and warranted.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 4:13:37 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8638
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
quote:
ORIGINAL: Bubbles5
Abiyah,
. . . I watched my youngest sister always run to my dad when she got into a situation. Dad always helped her out with money...she never paid him back. How did that help her? She is 46 years old, and still needs daddie to help her out. She never grew up and accepted responsiblity.I feel my dad did more harm to her by helping her out, than good. He never let her grow up.What will she do when dad is'ent here anymore? At her age she will never learn now. So I don't want to do that to my kids. Some may feel (not talking about you folks) I'm really mean by letting my son, and his family go w/o eletricity for a week. But he's gotta learn the hard way. My kids don't come to me for money...they know I would'ent give it to them...and I don't have any extra anyways.
Zzzactly. I know someone, who shall remain nameless, who did this to her stepson and damaged him terribly.
Oh, forget it. It was me.
And what will this woman do when Daddy is gone? She will come to you, sob story and promises and all.
But I love Tinkerbell's attitude. She has more than a chance of taking control with that attitude -- she is one who will make it!
Awww...thanks for the encouragement! I sure hope I'll make it!
I will say that moving out of my parents house and having my dad tell me, "If you think you just can't handle it, you can always move back in and have us help you." ruined it for me.
I was determined to not ask them for help. I've been on my own for over a year now (I know! I was completely dependent!) but only had to ask for help once and that was because I was sick during a pay period that was not only short but had a holiday so I was REALLY short that pay period.
I went to my dad with my tail between my legs, and he was kind enough to not berate me for anything, and I got back on my feet.
My next goal (mind you; I'm taking this in baby steps) is to get the car payment out from under him and take responsibility for it. *praying*
I'm hopeful though; my brother JUST did this last year and he's 6 years older than me.
See? I told you my parents were enablers...LOL
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/31/2008 4:17:07 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
Status: offline
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I think the point is that your brother did this and that you will do it. In my opinion, the major thing to do is pay them back, even if it's $10 a week for 20 years -- pay them back and be able to put an end to it, showing youself and them your consistent payments, proof of them, and when/how it was paid off in the end.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 11/1/2008 11:34:57 AM
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bzirk
Posts: 2849
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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I was just catching up on the thread, and kind of chuckling at the "mean" mom comments.
For years I was known as a mean mom, and now that my kids are older, it's kind of funny that they're telling me they're glad I've been so "mean" at times. Even their friends have told me that. Several of their really old friends have told me how they walked a chalk line around me when they were little, but they really liked coming to my house even though I didn't put up with any garbage and horrors we had no tv to boot. LOL!
But being a "mean" mom is not easy as many of you well know. Gotta keep your eye on the goal, and sometimes that just gets wearying. That's where prayer comes in. I'm not going to say I've never caved in to things I shouldn't have with my kids, but not very often. I give the Lord full credit for reminding of the consequences at crucial times.
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may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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). 
Sadly the other was lost. (a friend mailed it to me and it was lost in the mail) 
/turns down the pride beams... 
