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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/13/2008 11:38:01 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979
Question for you all...What do you define as dating?
I ask because my dd age 13 has a boyfriend. He is a sweet boy and his parents are more strict than I am. He is home-schooled and dd is in public school. They often hang out here, just sitting on the patio talking or they will go for a walk around the block. Usually their walks are accompanied by a younger sibling or a parent. So far "romance" has only included hand holding and extremely quick kisses on the cheek. He is very gentlemanly, absolutely won't go for a walk or hang out without asking permission first. So do you consider things like that a date?
What is your definition of a date?
Kim Q
Yup, that is dating in my book. I define dating as spending time with a person with which you share a mutual romantic interest.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/13/2008 12:34:01 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2296
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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I'm on the same page too with the definition of dating.
Now I need some advice regarding 16 yr old.
She has this boyfriend, he is really a nice kid, we know his parents very well, matter of fact we have known him since he was 6.
Issue is DD has become rather "mouthy" since we allowed her to "go steady" with him.
Her attitude toward us is horrible, she is shirking her responsibilities here at the house (it is her "job" to clean kitchen, of course I help her), we have limited her cell phone usage because she was talking over 1500 minutes a month to him (along with over 3000 text and talking after hours (10 PM).
Yesterday, we went to see her brother (in prison) and when we were walking out the door to leave, she announced she needed to go to the bathroom and started going back in. I told her not to go just then that I would stop at a convenience store for her, and she told me "NO I NEED TO GO." I took her by the arm and said calmly "let's go". She jerked her arm away and loudly said "Get your hands off me!" I again stated, "let's go."
We got home and I started supper when I realized the dishwasher had not been ran (her job).
I asked her why she didn't turn it on the night before (after I had loaded it for her), and she said, "I didn't load it, YOU DID".
I don't know what to do with her, these are just a couple of instances of her attitude (toward me in particular). She is my step daughter (I raised her from age 2 though), and I think some of this has to do with the fact that her Mom came to visit us a couple of weeks ago and really embarrassed her with a "temper tantrum" that Mom threw while here (in front of BF) (knocking over chairs, screaming at daughters, cussing and just being outright rude which BTW she won't be coming back to our house  )
But some of this attitude started way before Mom came.
Rick has told her if she doesn't straighten up he will make her break up with BF.
Help!
_____________________________
<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/13/2008 1:40:51 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
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I would threaten her with loss of the phone, on a limited time basis, and then I would follow through!
You are paying for the phone, right? It is a privilege, not a necessity. If she will not treat you with kindness and respect, she should lose the phone for a week. I would give one warning each time she got haughty, and then if that one warning wasn't heeded, I would take the phone immediately and turn it off.
One week of good behavior should be enough to earn it back. Expect her to need reminders at first, since she has allowed herself to develop the habit of being disrespectful.
And pray, pray, pray about this boyfriend.
Our daughter began treating me with a haughty, disrespectful attitude at the same time she was secretly planning to elope with her boyfriend. We loved this kid! He lived with us for six months, and for the first five of those months encouraged her to be more respectful to us than she was before he got here. But then his mom offered to sign a waiver for him to marry as a minor, and his mind was no longer on doing what honored the Lord but getting his way as quickly as possible. 
Once they began secretly planning a life apart from the family, the haughtiness kept getting worse and worse. Finally my daughter blurted out their plans in a defiant moment, and we kicked boyfriend out that day.
My dd was so angry with me. 
Until the boyfriend went back to his pre-Christian lifestyle as soon as he left our house. After about a month of knowing he was lying to her, drinking and kissing other girls, she came to her senses.
I'm not saying that your daughter is plotting to leave the family, but I am cautioning you to pray diligently. My daughter loved the Lord with all her heart (pre-bf anyway!) and is very smart. I never would have guessed she would consider something so stupid as running off to get married as a teenager. Those hormones are something else, let me tell you! 
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/13/2008 8:50:17 PM
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42servehymn
Posts: 387
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Littleton, Colorado
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Kim I am sorry you are going through this. When DS2 was in his rebellious years (middle school) my husband was sooo instrumental in bringing him around. After one particularly ugly scene between DS and myself my husband took my son aside and told him in no uncertain terms that "You may NOT speak to MY wife that way!". Then he discussed with him what he would do if someone spoke to his girlfriend the way ds had spoken to me. He was able to admit that he would not tolerate that. I realize that this is a daughter and not a son but perhaps Rick would be helpful here in stepping in on your behalf. Also one of the things that dh did during those years was that he drove ds to school every day and there was a well placed coffee shop right near the school. Hubby and ds would go just about every day and sit for about 30 minutes before school started. Many days my husband was met with a cold hostile and non communicative young man across from him. He would read the paper and comment on articles and give his opinion of things. I can now say in retrospect that those conversations shaped my son into the fine young man he is today. He is so much like his dad it is amazing. We also told my son that we noticed a difference in him when he spent time with some friends that we didn't see with other friends and if it continued we would have to limit his time with that friend which we eventually did. I have to say that this son is one who has to learn most lessons the hard way but he did learn from his mistakes. Encourage her to learn from poor choices. One especially important discussion that dh and ds had at that time was when my husband told my son that he didn't realize what he was throwing away by breaching our trust and that trust was easier to keep than to get back. Then he said " I want you to remember this conversation in the future when we don't allow you to do things because we can't trust your judgment". We did refer back to that discussion several times and ds understood that he was suffering the consequences of his past mistakes.
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 1:02:17 PM
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2shaye
Posts: 5347
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: So. Cal.
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42, you sound like great parents!
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aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 6:53:15 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 4871
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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Is she having relationship issues with her bf? I only ask because sometimes when I was having them I would take it out on my mother because she was "safe".
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 7:05:44 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2296
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Ryanne,
I don't know.
My "gut" says yes, but whenever the subject of sex is brought up, she is very quick to state she is still a virgin.
She is on BC not because of me thinking she is active, but because her cycle has always been so messed up (she may have one that lasts 2 weeks, then not another for 6 months), and the other night I did make the remark to Rick (in her earshot) that the level of BC she is on is very low, and I am not sure if it would actually prevent a pregnancy.
I just don't know, the way BF acts toward her (very....dominating(?)...too strong of a word, but more like...knows more about her than we do/what he says is the final word/his opinion only matters... at times) it just feels to me they have been intimate.
_____________________________
<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 7:06:46 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2296
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
relationship issues
Oops, I misread that totally.
_____________________________
<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 9:10:50 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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Keep both eyes open, Memaw.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/14/2008 10:57:40 PM
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42servehymn
Posts: 387
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Littleton, Colorado
Status: offline
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Thank you 2Shaye for your kind words. I have thanked God many times that I had a husband to tag team with when I was out of patience. To me my husband was amazing with my son and now when I see my grown son modeling himself after my husband it just melts my heart. Kim and Rick, stay strong, pray alot and turn to each other for support. You might be battling Satan himself for your daughter and you can't afford to lose this fight.
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/16/2008 3:05:54 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 412
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: online
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That is a really encouraging post. I'm several years away from that stage but I hope my daughters and I will have that close of a relationship.
Technology is da bomb!
Yes but your relationship is too!
Kim Q
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/16/2008 5:01:05 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 4871
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Memaw.
quote:
relationship issues
Oops, I misread that totally.
That's ok.
quote:
I just don't know, the way BF acts toward her (very....dominating(?)...too strong of a word, but more like...knows more about her than we do/what he says is the final word/his opinion only matters... at times) it just feels to me they have been intimate.
Maybe she is feeling controlled from all sides and is rebelling against that? Although her age really is prime for rebellion it raises a red flag with me that it's started since they have been dating. Cutting their relationship off probably isn't a good idea, that would have made me just sneak around. Maybe finding a way to communicate that you still love her and are there to help if they are having issues? She might be more apt to talk if she doesn't think you are against them being together.
I dunno.
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/16/2008 8:18:29 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979
That is a really encouraging post. I'm several years away from that stage but I hope my daughters and I will have that close of a relationship.
Technology is da bomb!
Yes but your relationship is too!
Kim Q
Thanks, Kim! And to further encourage Memaw, that is the same daughter mentioned in Post #105 above. And the bf left our home only this June.
Love, love, love and pray, pray, pray!
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/21/2008 10:25:00 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
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Hi Everyone 
This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it.
I beleive I would qualify:
Been married for 30+ years and raised four children already. Still working on the fifth one. He still lives at home and is a high school student. Plus I'm a grandma to five sweet, darling grandbabies. My children are 30,29,26,19,and almost 16 years old. My grandbabies are 3,2,2,7months and 5 months old. All three older children are married and my 19 year old is in college and engaged to be married this next June.
My "baby" is gonna be 16 yrs old this Dec. I have noticed a girl has been calling him almost every night now. They are "friends" and co-workers. My children were never allowed to date until they were 16 YO. So altho I'm not likeing this girl calling alot, there is'ent much I can do about it. He will be 16 in Dec. The rules of being off the phone by 10PM are still enforced tho. Another thing that I don't care for is this girl is a year older than my son. He asked to go to a movie with this girl, and another couple. I had to tell him that I could drive them all to the movie's. He wanted to drive with the other couple. That has always been a NO NO in my house. Driveing with other high school students always worried me...so it was never allowed. But I have to admit sometimes I still feel like a "mean mom" I like the rule of not dateing until they are 18 yrs old..as mentioned above. But I could'ent change my rules at this late date.
I have had my share of trouble with my older kids. Altho they were all "good kids" I still had my share of problems. So if I mention "been there, done that" know that I am talking from experence.
I have found for me, that the teenage years, were the most DIFFICULT for me. I don't know where they get an attitude at that age.
My eldest was a sweet little girl until she reached the high school years. Then she got so moody. She started dateing her now husband as soon as she reached 16 years old. I would allow them to study and talk in her bedroom, with the door always open. They were never allowed on the bed. I live in a ranch house, so it was always easy to keep an eye on them. I almost fell over when I first met her now husband. He came over with long hair and a trench coat on. Not the type of young man I wanted my little girl to date! But he turned out to me a really nice young man. She moved out when she was 19 years old, to his parents house. I did'ent approve of them liveing together, but at that age I could'ent do much. They finally got married..so all is well. He has turned out to be a wonderful husband to my daughter and a teriffic daddie to my 2 year old granddaughter.
My next child was a boy. He started dateing when he was 17 years old. He was a pretty mellow kid, altho I had to pull his driveing lic. from him. He got three speeding tickets before he was 18 years old. So he had to drive his bike to school and work. (About four miles one way) He is also the one who got his bedroom door taken away for a week. (He was even over 18 years old when that happened.) Remember my rule about keeping that bedroom door open when entertaining a girlfriend? Well seems the "wind" kept closeing that door. So I solved the problem and took the door off the hinges right in front of his "friend" Took that naughty door right out to the garage for a whole week! Never had that problem with him again. Amazing when they know mom REALLY means what she says. He moved out when he was about 22 years old. He even bought a house when he was single. He is now married to a lovely women, and they have the two granddaughters, that are 2 years old and 7 months old.
My third child was also a boy, and he gave me my grey hair's !! He was a tough one. Loved to party and stay out to the wee hours of the night. I drove around many night looking for him. Checking out the ditches..thinking he was in an accident or something. Only to come home and find he had returned home and was sleeping. Hubby said he usually came home right after I left. He started dateing his now wife when he was 16 years old. (She is two years older than him) He moved out when he was 19 years old.
They lived together and had my first grandson before they married. They are now married, and have another little boy that is 5 months old.
I still worry bout them.
Then I had another little girl. She was such a sweetheart until she got to high school. Her freshman year was the toughest for us both! Then we had some problems with the guy she started to date. She started sneaking out at night, and when I found out about it ...well lets just say it was'ent pretty around here. I took a liveingroom chair, and slept right by her bedroom door. I also calked the screens on all the windows, and put up alarms. I told her no kid of mine was gonna sneak out of the house. I also took her to counsling and threatened to give her away!! Well it all worked out, and she met a nice guy at a Christian Youth Rally when she was 16 years old. That other guy was dumped (thank goodness) I still blame all this on him. He was a bad young man. Guess he still has alot of problems. My daughter always seemed like she was put on this earth to help and fix troubled teens. But this young man really messed up her good intentions. The guy she met at that youth rally is a sweetheart, and they will be married next June. We now have a great relationship...mom and daughter. She finished out her high school years on the National Honor Society and was salutitorian of her class. Let me tell you, I was one proud parent.
Then there is my fifth child, another boy. He will be 16 in Dec. So far he's been a responsible young man. He has a job, is on the football team, and also in the high honor's in his sophmore year. I hav'ent finished with him yet..so who knows what will happen........
_____________________________
My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/21/2008 2:09:39 PM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
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LOL..thanks ShadowSpring
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My granddaughter Isabelle
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 1:46:19 AM
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caringnurse
Posts: 24
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Hello everyone !
I live this thread. I have 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls. They range in age from 38 to 30. We are still bailing out our kids. I even have some live with us. One of my sons is living with us now. Our youngest just moved out last August with her 3 children. By the way I have 7 grandchildren. I am not telling you what to do but there are some kids that learn to manage their money better than others. I know I will enjoy visiting with you ladies.
Nancy
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Nancy
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RE: Older Parents Chat - 10/23/2008 9:53:50 AM
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Bubbles5
Posts: 859
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
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Shadowspring,
That hurts with the computer. I would at least ask her to pay for half of the replacement cost for a new one.
My colledge student got some pretty good grants when she started school. She also kept her job here, and came home every Thur. night, so she could work the weekends. Plus she got a job on campus, at a coffee shop. Works during the week there. She quit her job here at the end of this last summer. Now she lives in the city full time. She still has her job on campus.
Hi Nancy,
I beleive you are correct...kids learn how to manage money. But don't ya think it's by example? Money has always been tight in my household. And my kids were raised knowing that. So when they got their first job's..around 15 years old... they managed their money very well. My 15 year old puts all his earnings into a saveings account. He says he will need money for his insurance, when he gets to drive the beginning of the year. The truck my husband gave him, needed the plates renewed. He paid for that and he is'ent even able to drive it yet. It's an old 1979 Chevy my husband used to drive to work. Not worth anything, but he's takeing resposiblity for it anyways.
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My granddaughter Isabelle
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