Wife Won't Quit Online Community (Full Version)

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MisterTR -> Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/2/2008 3:52:30 PM)

About 4 months ago, I went to a small online community where my wife had been hanging out for the past 3 years. I was shocked and hurt to see that she had made hundreds of posts where she was engaged in flirtatious and sexually charged banter with other men.

I don’t think she is romantically or emotionally attached to any of these men. She just liked the attention, and she viewed it as joking around. She agreed that she “bent our marriage vows” and “crossed some lines,” but she believes that she should be able to continue interacting on that online community as long as she interacts respectfully from now on.

I asked her to quit about 2 months after I found out, and she is still dragging her feet 2 months later. She wants to continue there.

I’m convinced that her staying there and continuing to interact with these men (even in a platonic way) is not pleasing to God, and is hurtful to me, to her, and to our marriage. I don't think you can "go back" to just being friends after what happened. The bottom line is that she doesn’t agree with me, and thinks I need to forgive her and let her stay there. I want to be open-minded, but I have a hard time seeing her perspective.

I’m not sure what to do now. Should I let me wife continue interacting on her favorite online community and just learn to deal with the continuing feelings of betrayal and hurt? If not, what do I do next?



DuckTalk -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/2/2008 3:56:06 PM)

Like an alcoholic should stay out of bars, if she can not abstain from it, then I say ridding the home of all computers is not a bad idea.



allisonbrett -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/2/2008 4:13:52 PM)

I would have a lot of questions for her.

I might consider asking what she gets out of spending so much time in this online community. Where's the payoff? Is it attention from people in general or primarily men? Does her involvement in cyber-flirting help her to feel wanted, sexy, desirable, attractive, etc? Could this by why she flirts and carries on in a manner that clearly is not acceptable in a marriage situation. To me, it's emotional cheating. Whether you or she sees it as such is up to you both.

The adage, "you can be anyone you want to be online" is true. She can be someone she doesn't feel she really is and in essence, live in a fantasy land where she is being pursued by adoring men. Chances are these guys she is interacting with have some of the same issues and are most probably NOT what they claim to be as well.

She may need counseling to let her fantasy world go but at the very least, ditch the internet. If she "plays" at cheating now, it could, in theory turn into the real thing. You said she even has talked to these men on the phone. What's the next step, in person? Scripture tells us that if we lust in our hearts, it's as if we have done so physically (or something alone those lines).

Seems you need to put your foot down and put a stop to her online world. It's destroying your marriage and her spiritual life. She needs some accountability and serious boundaries. I wish you well!



MisterTR -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/2/2008 9:26:08 PM)

Right. This online community does seem like a bar where everyone knows your name. And there needs to be boundaries. We've read Boundaries in Marriage recently, so that's probably a good way to approach this. I think if we talk about boundaries we could work it out.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/2/2008 11:45:40 PM)

You asked her to quit the site two months ago --- she's still there.

Tell her you forgive her for her inappropriate behavior with the men
online... if she's going to continue being on that website she needs to get a new profile and username - no men friends.

If she can't comply - get rid of the internet and the computer.



Hislittleone -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/3/2008 12:49:20 AM)

Your wife broke your trust and in order to build that back up you have asked that she quit going to that community. That's a perfectly reasonable request.

Have you spoken with her about this since asking her to quit 2 months ago?

Do you have full access to her info in that community like private messaging etc?



laura... -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/3/2008 4:28:29 PM)

quote:

I’m convinced that her staying there and continuing to interact with these men (even in a platonic way) is not pleasing to God, and is hurtful to me, to her, and to our marriage. I don't think you can "go back" to just being friends after what happened. The bottom line is that she doesn’t agree with me, and thinks I need to forgive her and let her stay there. I want to be open-minded, but I have a hard time seeing her perspective.

I’m not sure what to do now. Should I let me wife continue interacting on her favorite online community and just learn to deal with the continuing feelings of betrayal and hurt? If not, what do I do next?

You are correct. It is hurtful to you, her and your marriage.

She is correct that you need to forgive her.

As far as "letting her stay there"... Well, she's an adult. You can't forbid her. You can't punish her by taking away the internet.

Wisdom and love should motivate your wife to give up participating in that community. Unfortunately, whatever "pay off" she is getting from it keeps her there.

I'm not sure what action you can take. Perhaps the best course of action right now is to calmly talk to her about why it hurts you, what it is doing to your marriage relationship and what is it there that is keeping her participating at the risk of her marriage. If the two of you can't openly and calmly talk about it then I suggest marriage counseling.



poohgirl222 -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/4/2008 12:43:15 PM)

Have you considered joining that community with her?

You both need to work on trust and if she has really has changed, then her actions will be evidence to show it.



MisterTR -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/4/2008 5:49:36 PM)

I joined it and tried interacting there, but it was just too sad for me. People would make comments on old threads, I kept bumping into one of the hundreds of old posts where my wife was flirting and carrying on with other men.

Lots of good ideas and comments from you and others. Thanks for the ideas. I keep trying to trust that God will work through us and help us work this out for good somehow. But it's tough.



Focusing -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/4/2008 6:46:11 PM)

Has she made relationships with other women that she is not willing to give up?

Does the online community know she is married?

Is she continuing to flirt with these men?

Going overboard by telling her to stop all communications with people she has forged friendships with probably would not be the best thing. It's a form of alienation, and it's important to work out a compromise if she insists upon staying involved with the online community. She needs to respect you as her husband, and exercise decency and self-control of her flirtatious nature ... flirtations belong to you and you alone.



vicbhe -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/5/2008 2:30:37 PM)

Wait..... you are here posting an talking to us.



crankius -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/5/2008 3:52:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: vicbhe

Wait..... you are here posting an talking to us.

He has made 14 posts. Clearly he's addicted. [:D]


MrTR, I think Laure gave you some good things to think about.



Berean_Marie -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/5/2008 11:57:17 PM)

Hi MisterTR,

I know this is hard for you knowing your wife's online activity. I recommend that if she does not stop, I would get rid of the internet service. The computer is still a wonderful tool to use without the internet. Pray that your wife will find this distasteful and want to quit. I'll pray for you also.

Love in Christ,
Marie



vicbhe -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/6/2008 1:06:39 AM)

crankius....... Ecc 7:16 is one of my favorite verses! I used to be overly righteous and overly wise.....got those somewhat under control... now if I can stop borrowing tomorrows troubles today Ill be in much better shape. [:D]



vicbhe -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/6/2008 1:35:20 AM)

MisterTR, the online community is an escape for your wife. There is something she is getting there that is filling a void in her life. Marriage counseling may help with this. Unfortunately your jealousy and your insisting that she stop may only be pushing her more to her online friends. I'm not saying she is right in what she is doing; however look for what is driving her to feel like she needs this.
I heard a man talk about when he and his wife had a big fight. That night he continually felt God speaking to him about apologizing for his wrong to his wife and making things right between them. He argued with God that she was 90% wrong in this. God responded back "yes she is 90% wrong in this, but it is your 10% wrong that is causing her 90% wrong."
That being said also what is driving her 'need' may have nothing to do with you. She may have a void in her heart caused by a strained relationship with her father. If this is the case then you can try all you want but you will never be able a good enough husband to fill that void.
Communication between the two of you is very important, understanding on your part is very important. Counseling may help but it is no substitute to you doing your homework, including self evaluation, to get at the heart of this. Pray and ask God to reveal to you what is that void in her life, not so that you can attack her/it but so that you can help heal the void.
Some voids in out lives are designed by God to be filled by God, directly or indirectly through others. Other voids are caused by deep hurts that we experience in our lives. These voids need healing, not filling.



buckifn -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/6/2008 10:29:28 PM)

Tell her point blank you want her to delete the old profile and if she insists on staying there tell her it needs to be with a new profile for the two of you as a couple.

If she is not willing to be identified as your wife then you definitely have a problem bigger than the internet.

Sharing passwords, email, and any part of the computer should be part of the norm for couples imo.

The enemy will use anything to divide and conquer.



Mrs.Dawgfan -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/7/2008 3:54:29 AM)

I don't think getting rid of the internet is a good solution. In fact, in may make matters worse. How serious of a discussion did you have with her? If she has proven to have stopped the "flirting" going on, then perhaps she has other female friends there and just really enjoys chatting with them.

I come on CW and have been here for a long time. I am newly married and I know that no matter how much I enjoy being here, I can't be on as much as I used to be. It's hard to make transitions. It can be online, the t.v., a book. Too much of it is not healthy for any marriage. Be an encourager. Help by replacing time on the computer. Plan romantic dates (hey flirt with each other), encourage her to have a good girlfriend or two that she can hang out with sometimes, talk about goals together, etc... And as you do these things, share how pleased you are..."I loved spending time with you tonight," "Glad you had some girly time." In time, she will make that transition nicely.

Our time with G-d is the most important but when it comes to human relationships, there's nothing more important than time with our spouses. Respect each other's time apart as well. What is reasonable time apart to you? What is it to her? You gotta talk about these things.

[:)]



gigigirrl -> RE: Wife Won't Quit Online Community (10/8/2008 1:35:05 PM)

quote:

“bent our marriage vows” and “crossed some lines,”

Because of this I would ask her to seriously consider marriage counseling. If she won't leave the community - she needs a new profile. As well as deletion of the old posts if possible. I agree she needs to be identified with you and listed as married.



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