i dont understand guys (Full Version)

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butterflymom22 -> i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 1:47:43 PM)

im 22 ive been married for 3 years and me and my husband have 2 children 23 months and 3 months.since i just had a baby i really dont feel attractive even tho my husband says different i still feel bad and i have post partom a little and the pp makes me not trust him even tho hes really trust worthy. but i acuse him all the time and i check his clothes for hair and all that stupid stuff. i just need to know how to get over that and trust him and i also need to learn to except him for who he is and i just cant seem to do that. i dont know how to deal with the fact that he will glance at other women he doesnt stare he will just glance and that earitates me to no end.ive talked to allot of women especially in my family (whom have been married to each other practically there whole lives) and they say its just guys so if thats true then i just need advice on how to except that.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 1:54:18 PM)

Have you talked to your doctor about your PPD?

Here's the thing--it doesn't seem to me like your husband is the problem, so nothing we can tell you about men is going to help.



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 1:59:15 PM)

ya i have its not bad at all, but i just want to know about the guy stuff. and how to except it



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 2:30:13 PM)

I'm going to get out my little 2x4 here and whack you on the head...believe me, it's for your good and it'll only hurt a bit...

***Whack***

[8D]

No matter how you are feeling on the inside, if you know those feelings are irrational (and you yourself say they are), you have to stop the accusing. One sure way to drive your husband away from you is to be a nasty, accusatory, never-pleased-with-anything kind of wife. What they call a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't even start down that road. If the fact is that your husband is trustworthy (your words) and a good man then every time you dig around trying to find evidence that he's cheating or directly acuse him, you are doing something very unloving, unkind, and destructive. Even if those feelings never go away (perhaps they were pounded into you by some man-hating woman in your growing up years, or you were cheated on in the past, whatever the case), you cannot allow your feelings to dictate your actions or you will cause yourself and everyone you love serious misery.

About noticing women--you say he *just* glances, doesn't stare. Are you saying you never once in the last three years noticed a good-looking guy? [;)] It's not uncommon for men or women to find their eyes caught by someone walking by. What is important is whether when he realizes what he's doing he looks away. And what is even more important is that he finds *you* attractive even after two babies. And what is even *more* important is that he loves you and is committed to you.

You have two small children so you are tired and hormonally crazed (nothing to be ashamed of, I've been there. [;)]). You may have some ppd that needs to be taken care of. If I were you, I would sit down with my husband and explain that you rationally know he's a good man and that you should trust him, but that there is something wrong with something inside you that is causing your feelings to go all screwy. If he knows that you know you have a problem, I bet he will be much more gracious and understanding if you slip up now and then and let those bad feelings bleed into your actions. When you are battling those kinds of feelings, instead of letting your mind go to accusations and unlikely possibilities, go up to your husband and say "Honey, I am really struggling. Feeling a little crazy. Could you give me a big hug and just hold me and reassure me for a minute?". You may not be able to control those feelings as they pop up in your head but you *can* control what you do with them, and you need to. It takes a little practice, but it can be done, and if you want a good marriage, it's something you need to do.



DuckTalk -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 2:33:47 PM)

Hey, I can tell you more about guys than I know. [sm=tongue.gif]
Where do you want me to start?



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 2:34:57 PM)

thank u for saying those things, i just wanted to know that it happens to other people too, so thanx



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 2:38:14 PM)

u can start anyware



DuckTalk -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 3:11:07 PM)

Men do like to KISS. That is, they like to Keep It Simple & Sincere

Women are complicated & men see no need to be. They know that the simpler we keep life, the happier it can be.

Women often "want" or "expect" the man that claims to love her to instinctively know how she feels & yet, in his quest for simplicity, he clearly does not. He sees each moment with you as a touchdown or not and if it is not, he sees no need to discuss why not, just DO IT, because after all, keeping it simple makes for much more happiness.

Men do not go through PostPartumSyndrome, nor do they understand it, but by keeping it simple in an attempt to not over-complicate her already very complicated issue, the man will bear unmentionable verbal & emotional abuse, typically attempting to avoid her "complexities", but generally he will still be by her side after she has alienated everybody else.

THIS is how simply some men work.



allisonbrett -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 4:17:36 PM)

Good job, norak. Right to the point.

BTW: correct too. [:)]



Hislittleone -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/2/2008 11:59:16 PM)

Butterflymom22, do you think that your husband is looking at other women lustfully (meaning in a sexual way)? If so then he needs to stop because that is detrimental to a marriage. It goes against God's commands to remain sexually pure. Or has he been unfaithful (porn or real life affairs) in the past? If so then this distrust is not being caused by your ppd. Sorry for so many questions, I'm just trying to better understand where you are coming from.

Not all guys "look" at other women (and I'm speaking of lustful looking). My husband used to but no longer does. It's not just a "guy thing" that is to be ignored or put up with. It's sin and needs to be dealt with as such. Of course guys will notice other women around but there's a big difference in glancing up and noticing a woman standing in your path but thinking nothing more of it and glancing at a woman and appreciating her "womanly attributes".

quote:

i also need to learn to except him for who he is and i just cant seem to do that.


I'm also wondering what you mean by this statement. ^^

However, if you know that your husband is not looking at other women that way and he's never been unfaithful in the past. If you are just feeling a little insecure right now (which is normal after giving birth) then others have given you some great advice about what to do.

Are you taking any medication for the ppd?



jaimestarcross -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 12:05:14 AM)

I beg the differ.... I look at attractive men... not staring but looking.
I don't know any women who don't look at good looking men!

There was a large poster advertising a Billy Ray Cyrus concert...
he had that come hither look... I nearly wrecked my car lol!

Seriously, we women look too.
Lets be honest and let's be fair to the men.

Remind yourself of the truth - don't let go of truth....
you said he's trustworthy.... go with that.



Hislittleone -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 12:43:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

I beg the differ.... I look at attractive men... not staring but looking.
I don't know any women who don't look at good looking men!

There was a large poster advertising a Billy Ray Cyrus concert...
he had that come hither look... I nearly wrecked my car lol!

Seriously, we women look too.
Lets be honest and let's be fair to the men.

Remind yourself of the truth - don't let go of truth....
you said he's trustworthy.... go with that.


I don't look at attractive guys in that way. If I come across a guy that might be a stumbling block for me I glance away. My husband does me the same courtesy and I really appreciate it.

In Fred Stoeker's book Every Heart Restored he explains to us women that when a man looks....let's say at a poster of Angelina Jolie...he has a physical reaction that Fred calls a "pop". He says that it is much the same physical reaction that a woman gets when a man caresses her inner thigh. I had no idea this was the case until reading that book and discussing it with my husband! So there is a huge difference between men and women in this area. Men are much more visually stimulated than women.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 6:19:58 AM)

quote:

I don't look at attractive guys in that way. If I come across a guy that might be a stumbling block for me I glance away. My husband does me the same courtesy and I really appreciate it.


The op said her husband glances, doesn't stare. A lot of men (and women) do that unconciously.



Sadey -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 6:36:48 AM)

I suggest that you let your doctor know about your struggles. Depression can play so many tricks on our minds.



Kellgaste -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 8:47:15 AM)

Good morning Butterfly,

Let me give you a man's perspective if I may be so bold. (btw, the Ladies here have given you very accurate information already).

As a man I don't need to be reminded from my Woman that she loves me......I know that already. I need to know that she Respects me! Just like woman need to hear, breath, bath in the reassurance of Love, men need that same with Respect.

Yes, we men will put up with a lot of verbal and mental abuse from our favorite woman/friend in the world if we know she is going through some depression, insecurities, and over all sadness. We love our woman very much and want to remain solid for them even though they say pretty hurtful things at times. (Don't misunderstand me we men can be pretty insensitive also, but we don't purposefully go out of our way to anger our Brides)

kiddo's add to the stress especially being at such young ages, so with that comes hot/short tempers (Even us men), but a Faithful, Loving, and committed husband will try to assist his helper where he can and support her even if that is a HUG (I'm a hugger/cuddler), some men may be uncomfortable (Does that mean your man is this way, Nope!) not knowing what mood you are in so will "test" the waters to make sure he isn't gonna step in it.....

Sounds to me like you Husband Loves you very much and is supportive. As to the looking at other women....<sigh>. I do it. Does that mean i want to sleep with the woman, nope, does it mean I don't love my woman (if I had one) nope, it almost becomes unconscience. Its like going to the mountains and looking at a bridal fall and thinking, "Wow that is beautiful, God is a great artist!" then pressing on.

Quick story (My Friend telling me): My Friend and his wife had been married for a couple of years and he would walk in the mall with her all the time. He wore sunglasses as the best time to go to the mall (So some women say) is during the Spring/Summer. He noticed after a while (Weeks) his wife was getting fidgety and watching him fro mthe corner of her eye...a lot. Finally after another week or so she rounded on him and blew up. He said she looked worried, scared, hurt, and uneasy all balled into one. he asked her what was wrong and she replied, "Why don't you check out other women, or glance at other women?" he took his sunglasses off and blinked at her confused. She then asked something that made him darn near pass out from shock, she whispers to him, "Your not gay are you?". (At this point I'm rolling on the floor laughing, I could see what was happening) She blinked at her and replied, "No Hunny I'm not gay, why do you think I wear the sunglasses in a mall?" you see, he didn't want to hurt her by glancing at women so he wore the sunglasses to spare her that pain, because he knew his eyes would inevitably gravitate. he gave her a great big, long hug and told her She was the only Woman for him and that men don't do it for him...she does, and she started crying (With joy I might add) and returned the hug.

ok not so short story I'm sorry, but I hope this helps you to better understand a little bit of a mans perspective, from my point of view.

God Bless my Lady and will be praying for you!!! <smile>



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 11:08:17 AM)

yes he has looked at porn in the past when we first got married,( and he has stoped looking but im afraid that he might start looking again later in life even tho he says he will never again) so that makes me not trust him a whole lot.and im sorry but i dont look at men either.and im really gonna have to read that book .i think we sorta think alike a little,hislittleone.and thank u for the guys perspective, cause i really do whant to know what guys think about this stuff.so thanx and keep writing cause i like all this info.[:)]



DuckTalk -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 11:33:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: butterflymom22
............................thank u for the guys perspective, cause i really do whant to know what guys think about this stuff.so thanx and keep writing cause i like all this info.[:)]
Be careful because one guy's perspective of life is just that, one guy's perspective of life. Not all guys think alike, but generally, all guys do look at other women, but it is as unfair of you to assume what he is thinking as it would be for him to think you go to the gynecologist because you have a secret desire to be an exhibitionist.


quote:

ORIGINAL: butterflymom22
............................yes he has looked at porn in the past when we first got married, so that makes me not trust him a whole lot.
Clearly you need to discuss this because if trust is not in the marriage (both ways), the marriage is doomed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: butterflymom22
............................and im sorry but i dont look at men either.
You need to! If for no other reason than to assess the dangers that could be lurking in the same general area that you are. Looking does not necessarily mean wanting. Looking is being aware of your surroundings.

I know a man who was so insecure in the beginning of his marriage that he actually would make his new wife look down when they passed other men. He made her dress down so she would be as homely looking as possible and if she looked up, her eyes better be directly locked into his. How is that for a loving marriage?



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 11:48:47 AM)

but i dont know what looking will do ,i dont look cause i dont want him to look,but he has told me he looks but its really nothing,so maybe i should just look but not in a bad way cause i could never think any other man was as hot as my man,but it makes me feel not as hot as that other person even tho its far from the truth,my husband says i need to have more confidence in myself,and its true.



truthrevealed -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 12:06:41 PM)

When I see a beautiful woman.....I look[&:](and yes, I'm a woman)and NO I'm not looking at her sexually. I think we all appreciate beauty, but on the other end, I'm reminded of what my aunt said to me in highschool as I was going thru that awkward stage(self-concious because of pimples etc.) she said, no body stares or pays much attention to a person unless they're REALLY ugly or REALLY cute[;)]!

As it concerns the male, I've ***become*** more secure in this area because 1. I realize that I also appreciate beauty 2. I know that my husband finds me attractive('cause I am[:D]) 3. I've noticed him, over the years, intentionally not look the way of pretty much ANY woman. I respect that about him but I also feel when something isn't a snare for you mentally, you're free. So, I don't mind him "appreciating" a beautiful woman 'cause he has enough sense to respect his wife. Now I said appreciate, not stare, not grovel, not pant, not flirt, no howling at the moon.......[8|]



truthrevealed -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 12:19:21 PM)

Butterfly, may I also make a STRONG suggestion to you. When your husband compliments you, tells you that you are beautiful, special, attractive etc. RECIEVE that from him!!!!! It doesn't matter if you FEEL unattrative, if you FEEL he can't really mean it, if you FEEL "yeah right but I know he's checked out other women." Depite your feelings, take the compliment that your husband gives you, if he's saying it......he means it. Don't run him away(and I don't mean run him to another woman)but don't run away his wanting to lavish you with his feelings for you!!!!

You'll also begin to notice your own security/esteem begin to strenghten if you simply say "thank you" when he compliments you and maybe give him some lovin' too[;)]



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 12:42:11 PM)

ya i like that,thats awsome that makes me feel better



Hislittleone -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 1:23:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: butterflymom22

yes he has looked at porn in the past when we first got married,( and he has stoped looking but im afraid that he might start looking again later in life even tho he says he will never again) so that makes me not trust him a whole lot.and im sorry but i dont look at men either.and im really gonna have to read that book .i think we sorta think alike a little,hislittleone.and thank u for the guys perspective, cause i really do whant to know what guys think about this stuff.so thanx and keep writing cause i like all this info.[:)]


Butterflymom, I had a feeling this might be the case. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's really hard. I know because I've been through it too. It takes a lot of work and time but a marriage can overcome this kind of betrayal. It sounds like the two of you haven't yet healed from it.

Since your husband has betrayed you by looking at porn then he needs to be extremely careful about his eyes straying. "Looking" in the sense that you and I are talking about is not ok, at least for Christians. I'm not really sure where some of the other posters are coming from but I do understand where you are coming from. I have some great resources for you that have helped us tremendously.

Books by Fred Stoeker: Every Heart Restored--especially for wives who've been hurt by their husband's porn use. it's a good book for husband's to read in order to better understand their wive's pain.
Every Man's Battle--for men who struggle with sexual purity.
EVery Man's Marriage--for men who want to become better husbands.
http://www.fredstoeker.com/home.shtml This website has a great support forum for women who's husbands struggle with sexual purity.

Book by Ken Nair: Discovering the Mind of A Woman--for men who want to become more Christlike and better understand their wives. it's a great book for women to read also.
http://www.lifepartners.org/store.html This website has an online store from which you can purchase Nair's books and can set up counseling with Ken Nair or one of his partners either in person or on the phone. My husband counsels with one of the partners and it has done wonders for his walk with God and for our relationship. I highly recommend it. I think the cost is about $100 per hour so it's not cheap but it is well worth it.

I forgot to ask if your husband's a Christian?

((((Butterflymom)))) I will be praying for you.



Hislittleone -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 1:38:35 PM)

quote:

but it makes me feel not as hot as that other person even tho its far from the truth,my husband says i need to have more confidence in myself,and its true.


That's a perfectly normal reaction because of what your husband has done. Tell him that if he quits looking at other women then it will help you feel more confident in yourself. It's ok to ask him to stop doing it if it hurts you. The book Every Man's Battle will give your husband advice on how to avoid looking at other women in a sexual way.

The kind of "looking" that your husband does.... It is that he checks out other women in a sexual way? Like I said there is a HUGE difference in the way men "look" and the way women "look". We can look at a man and think "Oh, that's nice." and have no more of a sexual attraction to him than we would to a good looking purse in the store window. But most men (especially if they have or have had a problem with porn) don't have the same reaction to an "attractive" woman as we women will have to an attractive man. God instructs us not to look at others with lustful thoughts. So if your husband struggles with having sexual thoughts about other women then he needs to address that problem. That's a normal thing for non-Christian guys to do but it should never be normal for a Christian man. We are supposed to define our norms by God's standards, not the world's standards.

When we are married our sexuality belongs to our spouse and only to them. So looking and admiring others in a sexual way is wrong. That admiration/attraction should be going towards our spouse. I may not be explaining myself very well here.

Sexual impurity is a huge problem in Christian marriages today. It seems that the wordly views have clouded our perception of what sexuality is supposed to be like according to God's standards.



butterflymom22 -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 1:56:49 PM)

well ive been a christian my whole life and hes only been a christian for like 2 or3 years before we met



Kellgaste -> RE: i dont understand guys (10/3/2008 2:10:12 PM)

I only posted in this Thread as I didn't see any other men posting a reply and didn't want you to only have a woman's perspective.

If I may, a book I have read several times is called: "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs, it is an outstanding book on a man and Woman's needs.

This link has some reviews and lets you check out the inside if you are not close to a book store:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876

Well I'm not going to add anything else unless you have something specific to shoot my way.

God Bless my Lady!!!!!!!



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