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mymanna -> Please give me advice (9/29/2008 4:20:30 PM)

I don't know if anyone remembers my posts from back in August...I left an abusive marriage toward the end of July. There was verbal as well as physical abuse. I have been married to this man for 30 years and we have been self employeed for 18 years and work side by side everyday. One of the things he wouldn't allow me to do was attend church...he said I don't have enough "sense" to go to church or have friends....he's afraid I'll tell someone about our situation and they will convince me to leave him. He doesn't admit to that but I can think of no other reason he wouldn't let me do anything. I have been blessed with a place to stay for free but I have to leave it now as the owners are returning and I have nowhere to go. The town I live in is very small and the economy is at it's lowest, I have been searching diligently for a job. I thought I would be able to work and save money while I was living rent free and have enough saved when the time came to have to move but it hasn't worked out that way. I have had many many discussions with my husband since the seperation. He would not accept any responsibility for his behavior....he basically told me that if I would be a better wife and person he wouldn't have to treat me the way he does. He says that most of the bad behavior I complain about he learned from me anyway! Well, he has finally admitted that he honestly did not realize how badly he was treating me and the effect it had on me. He agrees he needs to change his behavior. I am scared. It took alot for me to leave in July but I had to. It was leave or go insane. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll go back and it may be worse then before....maybe he's just learned to say what i want to hear. Maybe God changed his heart...how will I know? What do I do? I have been attending a wonderful church and I have told him I will never give that up again and he's agreed to that. Please, does anyone have any idea about what I should do? I have prayed and prayed for clarity. Is my inability to secure work or living arrangments the Lord's sign to go back home since at this moment there doesn't appear to be any choice? I have until Wednesday the 1st. Any advice?



KatMack -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 4:41:18 PM)

Are either/both of you in counseling? I think that counseling is a MUST before you even consider going back to this man!!!

--Kat



hotsaucygma -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 4:41:20 PM)

Will he go to counseling? Would your new church be willing to counsel the two of you at no charge? Is he willing to go to church with you?

If God has changed his heart, he will be willing to put it into actions. I would look for actions before moving back in with him.

If you have been married for 30 years, you should be entitled to income from your joint business to support you. Talk to a lawyer to see where you would stand if you decided to live on your own- you do not have to seek a divorce, but probably would need to seek a legal seperation for support to be ordered. If you decided not to file for legal seperation, it is still good to just know what the facts and/or options are.



deedeeowens -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 5:23:51 PM)

Sounds like excellent advice from hotsaucygma. You are entitled to so much more than you realize after a 30 year marriage. There is no reason for you to go back to him out of pure desparation. If you aren't comfortable with returning to the relationship than it probably isn't time yet. Please, check out your options.

dee dee



MC4JC -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 8:41:57 PM)

If need be, check in a woman's shelter till you can get your own place. I dealt with verbal abusive 1st marriage and NO way would I ever go back to him. He was like your husband - never accepting the fact he was an abuser. He's still trying to lay blame on you and saying "if YOU change, then I would not be this way".

Once he gets you back, your life will go back to what it was or worse. Abusers don't like to lose control.

Do what it takes, but please do NOT return to an abuser - they will lie to get what they want.



cindybode -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 8:46:21 PM)

See an attorney yesterday and get what you're entitled to. There is absolutely no reason to return to an abusive relationship just because you think you have no other options. If your husband thinks you can't make it on your own, he will be even more abusive than he was before you moved out.

How will you know if God's changed his heart? In a nutshell, you give him a list of demands, and you do not go back until he's met every one of them. Some suggestions - he needs to write a letter of apology to you for his past behavior, taking 100% responsibility for it. He needs to allow you to attend church. He needs to agree that the minute you don't feel safe with him, he will leave the room/house until he can bring himself under control - because no matter what he says, if YOU do not feel safe, it's because of something HE'S doing. I'm sure there are other things you can think of, but that's a start.



divorcingmyself -> RE: Please give me advice (9/29/2008 10:31:11 PM)

What you are describing is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Just because a member of the marriage experiences poor behavior at the hands of a spouse does not excuse extending the same or similar behavior.

Do get a lawyer, but I can't emphasize more strongly to find one that is a Believer. It will make an incredible difference in how the legal proceedings go.

I know from personal experience that a soft-hearted person tends to want to think that people change (we are asked to look for the best as Christians). There are others that know this and use this to maintain control over the spouse. Keep in mind, that is the real issue (CONTROL). So when the abusive spouse claims to want to change, it is easy to believe them and want to move back. But this is not wise without some substantive evidence that change is not only wanted, but exhibited. Specially because there was physical abuse involved. Most "hitters" realize that what they do is wrong and want to stop. But they don't stop until they learn how to manage the anger and hurt that is the source of their violence. And this takes a lot of work and many years of active self-management. 3 months is simply not a reasonable time to expect a real change in that kind of behavior.

As far as signs from the Lord, this is a commonly held theological position in today's American church, but is without scriptural foundation. Yes, I know the passages that get quoted out of context, so others, spare your efforts to support this idea (signs from the Lord). But beyond that, do you really think that if the Loving Father wanted to send you a sign, would it be to return to a dangerous situation with little evidence that your return would have a positive effect? I'd go to your church and ask for a referral for a place to live. I'm certain that there must be people in your congregation that understand your situation and would help.

I'll be praying for you and your situation.



Oldwing -> RE: Please give me advice (9/30/2008 8:48:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mymanna

I don't know if anyone remembers my posts from back in August...I left an abusive marriage toward the end of July. There was verbal as well as physical abuse. I have been married to this man for 30 years and we have been self employeed for 18 years and work side by side everyday. One of the things he wouldn't allow me to do was attend church...he said I don't have enough "sense" to go to church or have friends....he's afraid I'll tell someone about our situation and they will convince me to leave him. He doesn't admit to that but I can think of no other reason he wouldn't let me do anything. I have been blessed with a place to stay for free but I have to leave it now as the owners are returning and I have nowhere to go. The town I live in is very small and the economy is at it's lowest, I have been searching diligently for a job. I thought I would be able to work and save money while I was living rent free and have enough saved when the time came to have to move but it hasn't worked out that way. I have had many many discussions with my husband since the seperation. He would not accept any responsibility for his behavior....he basically told me that if I would be a better wife and person he wouldn't have to treat me the way he does. He says that most of the bad behavior I complain about he learned from me anyway! Well, he has finally admitted that he honestly did not realize how badly he was treating me and the effect it had on me. He agrees he needs to change his behavior. I am scared. It took alot for me to leave in July but I had to. It was leave or go insane. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll go back and it may be worse then before....maybe he's just learned to say what i want to hear. Maybe God changed his heart...how will I know? What do I do? I have been attending a wonderful church and I have told him I will never give that up again and he's agreed to that. Please, does anyone have any idea about what I should do? I have prayed and prayed for clarity. Is my inability to secure work or living arrangments the Lord's sign to go back home since at this moment there doesn't appear to be any choice? I have until Wednesday the 1st. Any advice?

I agre with KatMack. Counseling is a must. My own daughter has taken her verbally abusive husband back over and over. He repents every time, but within weeks returns to his 'old self', heaping negativity on my daughter. My wife and I have tried to open her eyes to this pattern but she refuses to see it clearly. He has refused counseling. She has not. Lately a neighbor of hers has been talking to her about our SIL's behavior and she seems to be seeing it through fresh eyes. There is hope that counseling will someday become mandatory in her eyes if they are to remain together.

Our concern is not only for our daughter, but for our grandchildren. Our SIL's behavior is a bad model for both of them. We fear our grandson will choose a wife to abuse and our granddaughter will choose an abusive husband. Yet we live 200 miles away and can have no real direct impact on their daily lives.

I pray that you find a solution and can work things out in reality and not in the way our SIL does, by deception that is followed by a return of his old self.



leesw -> RE: Please give me advice (9/30/2008 1:32:22 PM)

If what you are telling us is not an exaggeration, it really sounds like he has serious mental issues. Can't say I'd go back. But if you do he needs help to overcome his control and abuse.



mymanna -> RE: Please give me advice (9/30/2008 7:32:58 PM)

Thank you all so much for your advice! I've got alot to think about...For instance, it never dawned on me that I would be entitled to any type of monetary compensation from the business. I would so much rather do it on my own but I will definately seek christian legal counseling. I have been to counseling with the pastor of the church that I am attending and he is a great source of strength but I haven't seen him in two weeks and he isn't aware of my pending problem as to where to live. I will go and see him tomorrow, he most likely does have resources I'm not aware of. I have managed to be in church or a Bible Study or women's support group every night of the week! I crave the christain fellowship. My husband adamately refuses counseling. In his eyes he's not the one with the problem. I have always been submissive, I do what I am told when I am told and my leaving has freaked him out. I have been able to stand up for myself alot better, being out of his presence. As a matter of fact, he thinks I have lost my mind and has threatened to try to have me Baker-acted! In my heart I know it is too soon to go home. When I left it was in the hope that God would somehow change his heart...I want another 30 years of marriage, I just want happiness and peace and respect. I have been torn apart by this whole thing...I have even felt quilty because I have had the most peace, quiet and calm since leaving, than I've ever had. I think I need to get back into serious counseling and try to understand myself a little better also. I do believe in a miracle working God and I will always pray for restoration but I think the sign I am looking for will have to come from my husband as some of you suggested, as in his accepting some responsibility and change. I will do whatever is necessary to hang tough and take care of myself. The advice you have all given has been so helpful. I don't know what to say...I was so surprised to see so many responses...thank each of you so much. What an honor to be a member of the body of Christ! I will let you know how it's going......Thank you all and God bless!



jaimestarcross -> RE: Please give me advice (9/30/2008 11:29:17 PM)

I advise you to speak with a lawyer ASAP, make your situation known
to your church family and your own family members... access the resources in your area - that assist those who are in dire need of shelter.

Don't return home until your husband has put forth more than words and emotions - he needs to get into a program for men who abuse their wives. It will take time for him to work out his anger issues etc... there's no quick cure... it takes time. You can find many situations in the Bible where a person/people did something bad and it took a long time for them to over come their bad decision or habit... Peter would be a good example - he was so quick to react and he was emotion driven - it took time for him to get himself in check. Jesus didn't fast-track Peter to become a better man... this came about over time. Peter had to fall down and get back up many times... before he matured as a Christian and as a man.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Please give me advice (10/1/2008 9:28:32 AM)

mymanna, You sound like you have a darn good head on your shoulders and are using it! I understand only too well the need for peace after the issues you have had in your marriage. Sadly, my marriage didn't make it the 'next 30 years' that you are hoping for (and I will hope with you, and pray), but my prayer for peace in my home was answered anyway. It has been a difficult road in some ways, but one I am glad I traveled! Just as you are doing right now, I have learned a lot about myself and my abilities, as well as my God and his provision for me!

I'm not sure where you are located, but the suggestion to access the services in your area is a good one. Check with your church family first, then check with the United Way, try calling 2 1 1 (it is an information and referral service) tell them your situation and ask what might be available to help you- all the way from food to clothes to rent assistance, anything and everything available, until you can get "on your feet" again.

Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes, how you are doing.



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