opposite sex friends? (Full Version)

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patricia222 -> opposite sex friends? (9/22/2008 11:52:10 PM)

Do men who have woman friends really consider them as friends only-without any underlying thoughts or feelings?



Ninjaearth -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 12:05:31 AM)

Of course!

I have one female friend that I have never been in a romantic relationship with. Granted, we did some crushes and even talked about escalating things, but we never did. She's my best friend from a long way back; but, she's not a Christian. I had to learn that eventually. But she's not the only one; I have other female friends that I never had a romantic relationship with. I know when I was kid I had plenty of them. I mean, I have more guy friends now and mostly intentionally, but I didn't get along with many of the guys growing up. I think it has more to do with the relationship I have with my mom; I'm not that close to my dad, but I still love him (well, he's my stepdad). But, it is highly possible for a man and a woman to be friends. It happens all the time!



John_O -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 12:39:20 AM)

And I'm on the flip side from Ninjaearth. Other than on-line I don't think I've ever had a female friend who was just a friend.

I've had females I was friendly towards but not really friends with. (there is a distinction). I've had female friends that were friends of my wife and I. But none that were friends just to me. Maybe back in high school and possibly one in college (But I would have gone out with her I think given the chance)



OneJohn410 -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 12:49:42 AM)

Do men
who have women friends
really consider them as friends only
without any underlying thoughts or feelings?

Hi Patricia222,
Your question is worded for a poll of all of us men on the community, but you aren't taking a poll. So all any of us can do is answer for ourselves.

I would say no, they can not. I can guess what kind of underlying thoughts and feelings you are referring to, and here's why I think you can do better than that in your question.

1. It makes it sound as if it's impossibile for the guy not to have any feelings other than of romance. Friendships need feeling to.

2. It suggests that feelings of even the slightest romance in a friendship instantly transform a friendship into something more.

3. It doesn't speak to the need of any thoughts or feelings in a friendship.

For me, thinking on my numbers 2 and 3, the answer is definitely no. Even friendships women may have with guys are going to involve some thinking and feeling on the guy's part, and probably some things that just make here go wow! Hmmm...., Ummm, call the girl friend, maybe talk to the mom, consult the pet dog, perhaps have some thoughts and feelings of her own.

I would certainly hope that friendships I make and those I have continue to have some warm thoughts and feelings toward me. I can't imagine the thought of marrying someone who was always just there in a circle of friends, and then *windchime sounds* and all of a sudden there was lots of underlying thoughts and feelings in both she and I and we're engaged to be married without ever being friends first. Somewhere in there, don't you hope someone pushes the edge of that friendship feeling envelope and you find that not such a bad thing and respond as well? It'd be a trick to just jump right into someone's life with Hi! I'm the guy you are going to marry in a year! Right?

In Christ,
OneJohn410
quote:

ORIGINAL: patricia222

Do men who have woman friends really consider them as friends only-without any underlying thoughts or feelings?



APZR -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 10:38:58 AM)

Assuming you mean a one on one situation rather than being a participant in a group like a weekend cycling club:
Ditto with OneJohn... no, a real friendship can not happen. Other than the natural sexual attraction, men and women communicate and bond in different ways. Even if sharing a common interest, there will eventually be some questions in the back of the mind, would she/could she be interested in more? At that moment the friendship is altered, even if unknown to the other.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 11:11:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patricia222
Do men who have woman friends really consider them as friends only-without any underlying thoughts or feelings?


yes definately! i have a couple and there is no crushing or underlying thoughts and feelings. do you have underlying thoughts or feelings for all your guy friends?



NoShow -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 2:18:43 PM)

I've had and have a number of female friends, where the friendship\relationship are absent of "romance".

I think it's an individual thing. I have a good friend, that believes it's impossible for a male and female to just be friends. Therefore for him it is impossible. I grew up with a sister and female neighbor as my closest friends, which formed my attitude as I matured. I see females as "people" first and as females second. So my thinking, and my truth, is the opposite of my friend's.



1love1God1way -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 3:49:24 PM)

absolutely, yes.



willfs -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 9:26:49 PM)

Yes and No. I was the leader of a singles group a few years ago. I told myself I wouldn't date anyone in the group. I ended up making some great friendships with some of the woman in the group, probably because I wasn't thinking of taking it anywhere else.

However, a few of them I ended up falling for after knowing them for a few years (after I no longer led the group).

I have heard the joke "you know what you call a girl who is your friend: Future Girlfriend". Many guys will play friend ( I mean many guys) just to get to the girl. And I am amazed at feminine intuition but I see these types of relationships go under the radar of the girl all the time. You gotta look for a guy with character who is honest with himself and others.



OneJohn410 -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/23/2008 11:29:01 PM)

Just a friendly reminder that as this is your post, you are welcome to come back, comment more on what you've asked, sass any of us that need sassing, compliment John_O on his reply if there's one in here, perhaps answer your own questions, or clarify anything.

That's all, 'cept welcome to the Community.



John_O -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/24/2008 9:40:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneJohn410

Just a friendly reminder that as this is your post, you are welcome to come back, comment more on what you've asked, sass any of us that need sassing, compliment John_O on his reply if there's one in here, perhaps answer your own questions, or clarify anything.

That's all, 'cept welcome to the Community.


I'm humbled, amused, and perhaps just a little bit scared[:D]



ekserekseez -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/30/2008 7:32:44 AM)

I have several female friends. Some of them are single and some have boyfriends or husbands. Of the ones in relationships, I know most, but not all, of their partners. A couple are even my own ex-girlfriends, whom I've casually dated. They all know each other and also know the male friends I hang out with. All of these women know that I am not looking for a relationship with them, and I never try anything romantic (or more) with any of them.

I will often go to dinner, a show, shopping, etc. with one or more female friends. Sometimes I'll take two, three, or even four of them out shopping to help me pick new outfits-it's a blast going into a men's store with a female posse!

I don't go out with women who are in a relationship, unless their partner knows about it. For example, I happened to have an extra ticket to the theater, and already had a pair. I went with two women, one of whom is married to a buddy of mine who was out of town, and grateful that I was showing his wife a good time in his absence.



DaveW -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/30/2008 1:30:15 PM)

I will give you an absolute definate maybe.

Every man has a different emotional makeup.
Every man has a different hormonal makeup.

Every woman will have a unique effect on the emotions and hormones of each man.

Some combinations will allow for completely platonic friendships and others will not.



ekserekseez -> RE: opposite sex friends? (9/30/2008 2:06:58 PM)

quote:

You appreciate them hence why you're still chummy...why wouldn't you fall for them?


To me, being chummy and buddy-like with a woman is about the LEAST romantic thing there is; it makes me think of them like a sister, except that my sister is insane.



DaveW -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/1/2008 7:50:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulFemale

I don't know why but my church has placed platonic friendships as something unbiblical...which needs to be broken...don't get it. Will ask and get a better explanation.
I do not know what your denomination is but many have adopted this position as whoever was writing the rules years or decades ago could not conceive of men and women being just friends, probably because they were made up so that such a relationship was impossible for them. And of course everyone else was JUST LIKE THEM, right?

It seems many of the "fences" that we build for protecting morality assumes everyone is the same.



buckifn -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/1/2008 8:38:16 AM)

When I was single it was the norm to hang out with a group of about 10-15 friends and a lot of them were female. It never was an issue on either side.

However, when I got married I felt my extra time should be spent with my wife and our family. If I have time to go to the movies, dinner, vacation, etc I want it to be with my wife who is my best friend anyhow. Most of our friends are couples so it isn't an issue...but I can't think of anyone where sexual/romantic feelings would be an issue.



terryjohn -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/1/2008 3:28:52 PM)

Yes, but I have to admitt that they are not people I would marry even if I was free to do so. That is, you could say we can, as long as they are unattractive.

I can't even begin imagine being freinds with a supermodel.



Kath -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/1/2008 4:32:04 PM)

Just a reminder, the only woman allowed to post in this thread is the woman who started it. No other woman is allowed to post in this thread, therefore I have removed a few posts and those that responded.

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DrivenbyGod -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/1/2008 11:14:00 PM)

quote:

Do men who have woman friends really consider them as friends only-without any underlying thoughts or feelings?


I personally would not have a close friendship with a woman that was not going to lead to something more. The only friendships with women I have are very casual work related, but no one I'd spend anytime with outside of work. I have a hard time believing any man would want to spend a large portion of their time as just friends with a woman that wasn't moving towards something more. You'd just be wasting valuable time that could be spent looking for someone to date if you're single.



Christian30 -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 1:02:20 AM)

Yes absolutely, but it depends on the people. I have always had female friends, but I don't do one-on-one things with women that are not work related. I will go out to lunch with a woman, but not to a movie or other event on a night (where my wife is not involved, I mean). I do connect with a lot of women at work, but most or maybe all are Christians. All men are different in this way, but I do know that many men cannot relate to women the way I do.

I am 51 and happily married, and my wife will tell you that our marriage is better because I have a lot of healthy interaction with the opposite sex. She is secure as my wife and understands my needs. I am a people person and desire a tremendous amount of varied human interaction, and it's not just adult relationships... includes children, elderly people, retarded people, etc.



ekserekseez -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 7:28:05 AM)

quote:

I have a hard time believing any man would want to spend a large portion of their time as just friends with a woman that wasn't moving towards something more. You'd just be wasting valuable time that could be spent looking for someone to date if you're single.


A lot of men don't consider quality time spent with female friends in whom they have no romantic interest as "wasting valuable time." A lot of us are not spending our time looking for someone to date; rather, we encounter dating opportunities as they present themselves while we go about our daily lives.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 9:41:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DrivenbyGod
I have a hard time believing any man would want to spend a large portion of their time as just friends with a woman that wasn't moving towards something more. You'd just be wasting valuable time that could be spent looking for someone to date if you're single.


i agree with ekserekseez response to your post, but i'm curious if you consider it a waste spending time with any male friends or just female friends?



John_O -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 2:59:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ekserekseez
A lot of men don't consider quality time spent with female friends in whom they have no romantic interest as "wasting valuable time." A lot of us are not spending our time looking for someone to date; rather, we encounter dating opportunities as they present themselves while we go about our daily lives.



I think it is very dependent on whether the guy is goal oriented or not. For someone (like myself) whose goal is to be married, spending time with a woman who is not a good potential is a waste.

It's not that we are looking for dating opportunities, its that we are looking for dating opportunities with a woman who could be our wife

I date ONLY for the purpose of finding a wife. I don't believe in casual dating just for the sake of dating.
(It has too much potential for hurting both parties when the goals are different)

Let me explain it this way. Dating a woman who is not a good potential is like a wrong turn on a road trip. If you are driving from Milwaukee to Yellowstone park and you somehow end up in St Louis you will have wasted your time. St Louis may be very enjoyable, but you are no closer to your goal and the time spent there is lost to you.

Very few have been the lessons that I learned in unsuccessful relationships that I could not just as easily learn in a good relationship. (I mean, what does breaking nicely up have to do with marriage anyway?)

And like you we are going through our lives and finding opportunites as they present themselves.


Now as to "friendships" with women. (1)If a guy is looking for a wife, every time he is seen in public with a female friend he decreases his chances of finding a wife. Every suitable woman who sees him will assume he is taken and will cross him off her list of potentials. (2) should he marry someone else the friendship would have to end. Attention given to his female "friend" amounts to emotional adultery against his wife. If he wants a woman's input, he has a wife.

(Stopping now to avoid total soapbox meltdown)



alley_cat -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 3:23:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: patricia222

Do men who have woman friends really consider them as friends only-without any underlying thoughts or feelings?


No. It has been my experience that there has always been thoughts and feelings of attraction underlying my friendships with women who are around my age. Having said that, there are a lot of factors that play into this process. Is she married/in a serious relationship? Then any minor feelings of attraction would never progress any further than that. She is off limits. Also, its important to note that even though I find myself attracted to women (hello, red blooded guy here) who I am friends with, that hasn't necessarily detracted from those friendships. Those relationships have still been good for the both of us.



ekserekseez -> RE: opposite sex friends? (10/2/2008 3:36:19 PM)

quote:

I date ONLY for the purpose of finding a wife. I don't believe in casual dating just for the sake of dating.


I understand. I do not date for this reason, having no intention ever of marrying. I make this exremely apparent from the very beginning so women have absolutely no misunderstanding in that regard.



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