Any benefits to a failed relationship? (Full Version)

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shemaromans -> Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/22/2008 6:49:47 PM)

The subject line almost explains my questions...

What do you think about relationships (dating, in particular) that don't work out?

Do you value them as potential lessons learned or do you write them off as wasted time?

Any other thoughts? comments?

Thank you!



John_O -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/22/2008 7:46:09 PM)

Normally wasted time. Unless something really important was learned, and then they are only partially wasted time.



broyce1981 -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/22/2008 8:42:59 PM)

I view them as chances for learning something. And not just learning something about what I do and don't want in a relationship, etc. I've learned some great lessons and have been able to grow in my faith as a result of relationships that failed.



shemaromans -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/22/2008 10:47:47 PM)

Thank you for your answers. I have a few more questions but would like to see if anyone else will answer the OP first.



Ninjaearth -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 12:18:37 AM)

I valued failed relationships as lessons to be learned.

I don't view them as a waste of time. Considering that God brings people into your life and have them leave, whether by disagreement or other matters, is also a reason. Relationships fail for a reason and some succeed for a reason. Just like trials and tribulations in life, there is much to gain in failed relationships just like you gain knowledge and instruction in a classroom. It took a failed relationship to help me realize how intense marriage really is (I wasn't married but it sure felt like it). It is due to many disappointments that I've learned about myself and my faults. In my current relationship, my gf pointed some things out that I've been doing that has left her uncomfortable. When she described these things to me, it sounded like some things my ex had done to me. So, it's now because this relationship that I am able to change what is bad and unhealthy for the future. It is through failed relationships that I have learned to smile and be thankful to God for hope and better things to come in the future, ultimately heaven. I do not value anything I go through as a waste of time because when God is in control of all things, all things are under control for a reason. Some reasons we learn, others we don't. Either way, to learn from our mistakes is important but to not learn at all from our failures is to forever remain in failure.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 1:48:00 AM)

To a failed relationship... and you don't mention what type... I say how do you define what one is that has failed? Over? Lots of problems that are worked through? Didn't last long enough? Does death fail a relationship? Talk to us.

A dating relationship that doesn't work out... I'm sorry, can't help myself here but will recover. It gets more heavyset.[sm=cooltilt.gif][sm=purplelaugh.gif][sm=yummy.gif][sm=purplelaugh.gif][sm=cooltilt.gif] One that doesn't work out sounds a lot like one that doesn't lead to a marriage that goes the distance, 'til death parts. My thinking on those are that as I become more mature with them, that there is going to be more maturity in them, and that if it didn't take two people for it to not work out but just one who was not I, then I'm better for seeing that one come to an end.

I value them as I reflect on them and work through that greiving, then they usually get swept away in prayer and moving on. I can't write them off because they did happen, and thinking of them as wasted time is in fact wasted time thinking about the past, KWIM?

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

The subject line almost explains my questions...

What do you think about relationships (dating, in particular) that don't work out?

Do you value them as potential lessons learned or do you write them off as wasted time?

Any other thoughts? comments?

Thank you!



shemaromans -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 12:55:59 PM)

Thank you ninja and onejohn (you're funny!). I'm not a big talker so you might have to draw some information out of me through questions. :)

Failed as in a dating relationship that's over/that didn't result in marriage...

What are some reasons why a man who had/has genuine feelings for a woman would consider the relationship (almost immediately after the end of it) to be a waste of time?

What might that say about the man?



John_O -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 2:19:44 PM)

quote:

What are some reasons why a man who had/has genuine feelings for a woman would consider the relationship (almost immediately after the end of it) to be a waste of time?


1. If he is goal oriented and if the relationship did not move him closer to his goal (assuming that goal is marriage) then he could see it as a detour on the journey. It may have been a very good experience (for the most part) but without a major lesson learned it becomes just time spent, time that could have been spent moving towards his goal.

2. If he is very highly fidelity oriented it could be that he sees any memory of it that he may have in the future as a "infidelity" to his (future) wife. It's just not cool to be thinking of an ex-girlfriend when married to someone else. The easiest way to avoid that is to purge the memory of it.

3. If his feelings were genuine, it could be self defense. Why should he continue to rub his nose in something that can never happen?


Of course any, or all of these, and others could be at play.


quote:

What might that say about the man?


It kind of depends on what the observer is looking for. He could be a very tender hearted, very loyal, pragmatic person or he could be a cold, heartless, player.

I'm thinking the answer to this part will also depend on if he ended the relationship or if the relationship was ended for him.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 3:49:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans
What do you think about relationships (dating, in particular) that don't work out?

Do you value them as potential lessons learned or do you write them off as wasted time?


i could definately see lessons being learned by myself. i think my own conduct during the relationship and afterward may also teach me something about myself if i am open to examination. nobody is perfect and in a failed relationship, there is likely to be some things i did or said wrong or perhaps should have done differently. perhaps examining why the relationship failed would help avoid repeating that mistake again. ie) hypothetically, if i found out i was doctrinally incompatible with a woman i was dating, then i'd want to move that attribute higher on my list [hypothetically as i don't have one]

quote:

Any other thoughts? comments?


i might not discuss private issues in a public setting for all to see ...



shemaromans -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/23/2008 4:49:49 PM)

Thank you, John. Lots to consider.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/24/2008 12:21:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

Thank you ninja and onejohn (you're funny!). I'm not a big talker so you might have to draw some information out of me through questions. :)

Failed as in a dating relationship that's over/that didn't result in marriage...

What are some reasons why a man who had/has genuine feelings for a woman would consider the relationship (almost immediately after the end of it) to be a waste of time?

What might that say about the man?

Hi Shemaromans,
Wow, you successfully dropped this down to the fourth level below the OP!

I would that I am wrong on this, and we are talking pure hypothetical here, or else something out of Days of Our Hospital, or One Life too General, or some such. What I read is as things just disintegrate, the guy throws in the verbal jab "I can't believe I've been a part of such a waste of time!" (slams the door as she runs boo-hooing to her car and he starts tearing up the house). And what does his comment say about him?

Ever notice how everything today tends to focus on the maximum? Part of his reply could be culture. Everything someone spends time on has got to be totally beneficial or totally for escaping reality, or basically max value for the being there. Either that, or it is like, totally, like, I mean, toa-da-ly a bummer, a loss. There's not much for middle ground in there. If it's supposed to be fun, and halfway through the rollercoaster ride the auto-safety gizmos shut everything down, then you didn't have a fun and lousy ride. The ride was lousy. But this is so weak to apply to a relationship.

For the man to declare such so shortly after Splitsville, I'd say the man is showing his short-tempered (or instantly-irate) side. It's an empty statement, a venting, something that'll come back to him and nip at his brain for a long while later on, and probably the most defensive thing he can say to prevent saying he's really hurt. I'd call it an insensitive thing to say, but with her rebuttal that she never considered it to be so, he's just delivered a one-two punch to himself, maybe?

It's not nice to talk about the man in such a sensitive time as this.

What did the woman say to the man following his rant?



shemaromans -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/24/2008 6:53:56 PM)

Thank you, OneJohn.

quote:

What did the woman say to the man following his rant?

First, I would say that the man in the hypothetical example didn't rant and didn't intend or consider his comment to be disrespectful. In answer to your question, I would say that the woman attempted to explain how some worth could result from the failed relationship.


I can now ask my next question: what does this say about the woman?
(assuming it's okay to talk about the woman in such a sensitive time as this [:D])

(I've had every intention of being fair about this question. For the record, I imagine that there are some women who probably treat men in the same way.)

Here's an example from real life that I'll share, with my friend's permission. It's a little bit different than the previous hypothetical example. A year or so ago, one of my girlfriends bumped into her ex-boyfriend. His demeanor was on the cold side, and he said something to her along the lines that their relationship had been a waste of time (different wording but the same message). He had ended the relationship a year prior citing incompatibility. She hadn't done anything (that I know of) to cause him to be hurt. So in this case, he wasn't acting out of hurt or anger.

Here's what I don't understand: the mindset that in effect views another person as an object that's a means to an end rather than as a person with substance that's worthy of compassion.

Am I evaluating the mindset incorrectly?

Are these situations common or uncommon?
Do these post-relationship declarations not lend themselves to clear cut explanations?


I think my curiosity's almost satisfied. Thank you!



John_O -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/24/2008 10:11:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

Thank you, OneJohn.

quote:

What did the woman say to the man following his rant?

First, I would say that the man in the hypothetical example didn't rant and didn't intend or consider his comment to be disrespectful. In answer to your question, I would say that the woman attempted to explain how some worth could result from the failed relationship.


I can now ask my next question: what does this say about the woman?
(assuming it's okay to talk about the woman in such a sensitive time as this [:D])


(Don't see why it wouldn't be OK to talk about the woman too)

What does it say about the woman? Absolutely nothing. The relationship may have been of great value to her, or of no value whatsoever. She may have been the greatest saint or the greatest sinner.

If someone was driving to Yellowstone Park from Milwaukee on a two week vacation for example, and made a wrong turn and ended up going through St Louis, the time spent in St Louis would have been wasted time as they weren't going there and it took them out of their way. They may have really enjoyed St Louis. St Louis may be an awesome town (I do like their zoo) but it didn't get then to Yellowstone and the time is gone. They now have less time to enjoy Yellowstone. So calling the detour a waste of time doesn't say anything about St Louis at all.

quote:

A year or so ago, one of my girlfriends bumped into her ex-boyfriend. His demeanor was on the cold side, and he said something to her along the lines that their relationship had been a waste of time (different wording but the same message). He had ended the relationship a year prior citing incompatibility. She hadn't done anything (that I know of) to cause him to be hurt. So in this case, he wasn't acting out of hurt or anger.


Why did he even waste the time to talk about it? I don't understand why he'd talk about a failed relationship that was 1 year in the past. What good did it serve? I'd guess that since he brought it up at that late date he was acting out of hurt or anger or something. This would be kind of akin to holding a grudge against the girl who rejected you in the eighth grade.

quote:

Here's what I don't understand: the mindset that in effect views another person as an object that's a means to an end rather than as a person with substance that's worthy of compassion.


You have told us nothing that says the guy thinks any less of the girl than when they were in a relationship. We only know that he views the time spent in the relationship as wasted time. It says nothing about her or how he may, or may not, value her.

quote:

Am I evaluating the mindset incorrectly?


Can't tell for sure from what you've told us. But I'd guess that you are incorrect. You've told us that his feelings were genuine, which, added to the non-rant and no disrespect, leads me to assume that the relationship was ended for him. If so then I'd guess that he still likes her a lot but recognizes that he's no closer to his goal (again assuming marriage since it was a relationship) than he was when they started.

quote:

Are these situations common or uncommon?
Do these post-relationship declarations not lend themselves to clear cut explanations?


I don't know to both.


quote:

I think my curiosity's almost satisfied. Thank you!

Any time (for whatever my input may be worth)



OneJohn410 -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/25/2008 2:26:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

Thank you, OneJohn.

quote:

What did the woman say to the man following his rant?

First, I would say that the man in the hypothetical example didn't rant and didn't intend or consider his comment to be disrespectful. In answer to your question, I would say that the woman attempted to explain how some worth could result from the failed relationship.


I can now ask my next question: what does this say about the woman?
(assuming it's okay to talk about the woman in such a sensitive time as this [:D])

(I've had every intention of being fair about this question. For the record, I imagine that there are some women who probably treat men in the same way.)

Here's an example from real life that I'll share, with my friend's permission. It's a little bit different than the previous hypothetical example. A year or so ago, one of my girlfriends bumped into her ex-boyfriend. His demeanor was on the cold side, and he said something to her along the lines that their relationship had been a waste of time (different wording but the same message). He had ended the relationship a year prior citing incompatibility. She hadn't done anything (that I know of) to cause him to be hurt. So in this case, he wasn't acting out of hurt or anger.

Here's what I don't understand: the mindset that in effect views another person as an object that's a means to an end rather than as a person with substance that's worthy of compassion.

Am I evaluating the mindset incorrectly?

Are these situations common or uncommon?
Do these post-relationship declarations not lend themselves to clear cut explanations?


I think my curiosity's almost satisfied. Thank you!

She says something like, "Well, at least we had some fun times together and learned how to get out of our collective debts, balance a checkbook, put aside money for savings for the future, learn how to live with each other's annoying habits...". Wow! What an emotional OP this is. Sniffle. Saying this, she reminds him the relationship had some worth, in her experience.

Ok, you can give us her reply, and this is just my best guess, and all I have to go on at this point.

What she just said says that she could very well be spaghetti from Venus in response to his Martian waffle-like comment. She's a ponderer, she's captured a lot of what she's held as positives about the relationship that are always fresh in her mind, ready for conversation or whatever.

The mindset...
She is... a beautiful collection of chromosomes, in great health, with whom I should be able to have several children and ensure becoming the guarantor of some of Daddy's inheritance for them, no matter how the relationship goes? Or spin it around versa vice?

Anything like that- doesn't that just climb out of the mystery/suspense/horror movies and grate on the nerves? I think I say I have not seen it much to comment further.

Since I haven't seen them, and I avoid showdowns if I know they could happen, I would say they are uncommon, but perhaps I've just been sheltered and am oblivious to them.

A clear-cut explanation for them? None that I'm aware of. I'd say what your friend experienced was first-rate cheesiness on behalf of her XBF, and if she's rattled about it, then some team prayer and chocolate ice cream ought to take care of things.

A year later, and he's commenting yeah, that sure was a waste of time for us. Please tell us she's not stigmatized against the rest of us guys over this.

Thanks,
OneJohn410



buckifn -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/25/2008 6:50:19 AM)

I think God allows every person in our lives for a reason- and often times we do not understand those reasons, but HE does.

I don't think I have ever had a failed relationship. It's just like moving from one job, one church, or one state to the next....change happens..sometimes because we want it and sometimes even if we don't. If we are seeking God and allowing Him to guide us He will help us learn and grow regardless of where we are planted.

My mom always said we can learn from everyone- even an idiot...and that is how not to act like one.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Any benefits to a failed relationship? (9/25/2008 10:17:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans
I can now ask my next question: what does this say about the woman?

shemaromans, assuming the woman didn't play mind games, wasn't a psycho, etc ... i don't think it necessarily reflects on the woman but more on the man. it seems to me that in this example, the relationship added little to no benefit to the man's life. he could have spent his time doing something that added more to his quality of life. if the woman knew up front that a result other than marriage would be viewed as failure by the man, and is still hurt, then it might say something about her. if the woman is looking for validation from the man publicly make sure she wasn't viewed as the bad guy or trying to air our dirty laundary, then it would say something about her as well.



quote:


Here's what I don't understand: the mindset that in effect views another person as an object that's a means to an end rather than as a person with substance that's worthy of compassion.
Am I evaluating the mindset incorrectly?

if only thing in life that seems to matter to this person is getting married, then it almost seems like it doesn't matter who the person is, as long as there ends up being someone (the destination). perhaps it's the old cliche of being in love with the idea of being in love (or the idea of being in love with being married).


quote:


Are these situations common or uncommon?

i don't really know but i'd think more uncommon when one person views most opposite-sex non-marital relationship as a failure.


quote:


Do these post-relationship declarations not lend themselves to clear cut explanations?

it seems pretty clear since your friend's ex gave an explanation and also someone in this thread who seems to have a similiar mindset posted his views. it may not be clear cut to the woman in this case, but it's clear cut to the particular man.



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