Red Flags in a new relationship (Full Version)

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nuinchrist -> Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 1:28:02 PM)

I'm going to put it out there because I obviously have very poor judgement in relationships. I tend to put up with things a little to long and all of a sudden I'm trapped.

Possible red flags with new guy (yea or ney)


1. I spend more money then he does on us. (I make more money)
a) It's my choice and he doesn't ask, should I expect him to offer or reimburse me.
b) He will ask me what's for dinner (but he should expect to pay too)

2. He doesn't clean up after himself (small issue now, but should I address it)

3. He doesn't take me out on his dime. I always offer, because I want to go out. I've told him to take me out more often, but he says ok and we end up doing something at home (on my dime most of the time)


Background: He doesn't make a lot of money, he has 3 children that he takes care of very well. I on the other hand have an older child who takes care of himself for the most part.

It bothers me, because I feel a little used. But I also know, I like to spend more money than others. Based on my past behavior.



raivyne -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 1:39:29 PM)

It sounds to me like he is OK for a night at home and you aren't. Also, perhaps he doesn't really have the money to be going out on the town as much as you like to go. Why don't you try going it his pace for a while and see how you like it or what happens. It could be that he's just not the type to "go out" and you are.

Edit - it could just be a compatibility issue.



nuinchrist -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 1:45:06 PM)

Raivyne,

You might have a point. He's layed back, introvert and I'm the opposite. Which, really works well! I like him and he's a fun guy and loads of laughs. I just want to be careful! Again, my judgement is off most of the time. I fall in love quick and I ignore obvious red flags. I'm seeking you guys help, just in case I'm seeing things all wrong. I need a different perspective from spirtual like minded people.

I'm sick and tired of making mistakes and ignoring the obvious.



raivyne -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 1:51:13 PM)

It could be that he's just a homebody. If you're offering to go out all the time and hoping he's gonna come around to your way of thinking/doing then you will end up disappointed. So, like I said follow his lead and see if you still enjoy him and vice versa. I personally don't care to go out much. I'm a homebody and at times down right reclusive.


p.s. Is he a Christian? JW :)



BJinWA -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 2:00:27 PM)

if his frugality bothers you a little now, it will bother you alot later.

i'm proud of you, sister. maybe it's time to take some time by yourself and look at why you have made some poor choices in the past??????

Hugs



MC4JC -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 3:04:10 PM)

Nu

Sit down now and write out a list of 15-20 qualities you want in a partner. Be specific but be willing to compromise on minor things - never on major.

Then as you date, you can compare the person to your list. You want to match a good 70% or higher if you want a successful relationship.

Keep in mind that the things that you don't like now will not change and you'll grow to hate them if you continue. If you don't like messy, and cannot live like this for the next 30/40 yrs, then you'd better keep looking.



CindyF -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 5:23:19 PM)

I think you are seeing these things for a reason. I was in a relationship one time and he wanted to go out to eat. Well we went to Ryan's and we ordered and then he just stood there . I had to pay even though he wanted to go out to eat. That hurt.



CindyF -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/22/2008 5:24:36 PM)

There is a book I'm reading called Women Who Love TOO much its by Robin Norwood so far its pretty good.



Focusing -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 12:34:44 AM)

quote:

I'm the opposite. Which, really works well!

Hmm ... I used to think that. However, for a relationship to really work between two people, you must have things in common ... especially things that are important to you and things that really give you enjoyment (like going out a lot). It's important to take this into consideration, if you are questioning it now ... how do you think you might feel about it if you two were to get married and you stayed home all the time? Just a little something to think aout.

quote:

I fall in love quick

Falling in love is a wonderful emotion! [;)]
However, loving someone, making that choice to love them no matter what, is quite another thing.

quote:

I'm sick and tired of making mistakes and ignoring the obvious.

Good for you! Foresight is very important!



manda59 -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 3:14:47 AM)

nuinchrist

Sweetie, the biggest red flag IMO should be that this is just too soon.

You felt before that you needed space and time to get yourself right with God, and feel closer to Him and learn to rely on Him more? So .......... basically you need this relationship (or any relationship) like you need a hole in the head. That's my take on it anyway.

Aren't you going to be moving away soon as well?



nuinchrist -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 4:41:46 PM)

Manda,

I'm moving very slow. He's just a friend really and honestly it's helping me with this whole "getting over you know who". Probably not fair to him, but it's real innocent now and nothing on the emotional side, kind of platonic.

Yes, you are right and I do want to feel closer to GOD and I struggle with that everyday. That's exactly what I want and actually so does the new guy! We talk about GOD all the time and we often say short prayers together.

On moving, I'm really not sure if I'll be moving out of state. Defintely selling the house and downsizing. My job is really good and with the recent turn in the economy, I think I need to stay put.



nuinchrist -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 4:53:32 PM)

BJinWA - Me and him are going to talk about money tonight. I just can't afford to let anything go.

MC4JC - I actually did 10 good qualities in a partner........probably meets 70%.

Focusing - Interesting statement you made. We have matching views on religion, serving GOD, food choices and humor. TV & social life are opposite. Correction, he likes social life, just perfers to entertain at home (his or mine).
Making the choice to love them no matter what. Is that Godly?? As long as it's not "major issues"?

My background is so messed up. My mother had kids out of wedlock, never married, yada yada. I don't know what the right thing is sometimes. Do I overlook small things and just focus on the real big issues (love, stability, fidelity, honesty, humor) and forget the tidiness, stingyiness, blah blah blah! Maybe I'm putting to much energy into this.



Focusing -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 5:51:16 PM)

Interesting statement, huh? [;)] Well, I speak from experience. I married someone who was an opposite. I tried to make the best of it, but there were some serious issues. And resentments built up. Then other things happened, which I won't go into.

quote:

Making the choice to love them no matter what. Is that Godly?? As long as it's not "major issues"?

I believe we need to love, as we have been commanded.

But I make a clear distinction between being "in love", which is an emotion ... and "to love", which is a choice. I know that falling "in love" can create those lovey-dovey goo-goo eyes, and it can get in the way of getting to know the real true deep down person. Definitely been there, and now I am careful to keep my feelings in check.

Hope that makes sense to you.



manda59 -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/23/2008 6:51:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
He's just a friend really

quote:


Probably not fair to him, but it's real innocent now and nothing on the emotional side, kind of platonic.

So, if it's just a friendship, why are you even concerned about who is spending what, and speaking of "us"?

And that's a real red flag right there - "Probably not fair to him" [8|]
I actually think you are not being fair to him or to yourself.

Could I ask you how often you see each other?



agapemami -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 3:23:56 AM)

Sounds like a great book. I google it and found the 10 characteristics of a women who love too much:

http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram167.pdf

Very interesting!


quote:

ORIGINAL: CindyF

There is a book I'm reading called Women Who Love TOO much its by Robin Norwood so far its pretty good.



Sadey -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 8:06:59 AM)

It sounds like you are juming out of the frying pan and into the fire. You are barely out of the last relatiohship and it sure sounds like you are romantically interested in this guy. Please don't do this to him or to yourself. He has 3 children and he sure doesn't need to be your rebound guy.

Could you just stop for awhile? No men, no dates, no going out, Get some help on your issues and become the woman God wants you to be so you can have the life God has for you? Please consider this.

A man is not the answer to your problems. And being with this guy won't solve the hurt from your last relationship.

Take time for God not for guys



manda59 -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 8:11:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey
It sounds like you are juming out of the frying pan and into the fire. You are barely out of the last relatiohship and it sure sounds like you are romantically interested in this guy. Please don't do this to him or to yourself. He has 3 children and he sure doesn't need to be your rebound guy.

Could you just stop for awhile? No men, no dates, no going out, Get some help on your issues and become the woman God wants you to be so you can have the life God has for you? Please consider this.

A man is not the answer to your problems. And being with this guy won't solve the hurt from your last relationship.

Take time for God not for guys




I absolutely agree with Sadey. Some counselling from a trained qualified professional would be great (as much for your childhood issues as anything else), as would be spending more time at church, women's study and fellowship groups etc. Maybe you could even consider going on a retreat? There may be somewhere near you that offers breaks in a supported and Christian environment.



Kellgaste -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 9:34:09 AM)

Good Morning Nu,

I will endevour to give you my perspective (Man's) and let you take it from there.

First, I agree with Raivyne and the others. Now, I am more of a Stay home, have a cup of hot Tea and read a book kinda of guy rather than go out a lot. Now if it is dancing or something of that nature then I would go. Would I expect the Woman to pay.....Never. Now if I didn't have the money do to work, budget, whatever the reason, I would say so up front and inform the Woman that going out might be fun but lets play a board game or invite some other friends over to play board games or watch a movie or play a computer game...etc.

I'm a penny pincher myself and try to not spend money if it isn't "needed". I compare what I want to what I need and I find that I save a lot of money that way :P.

I like to go out, but I am not a social butterfly and actualy get emotionally and mentally drained when I am around groups of people and are having to interact <shrug>.

As far as the messiness goes, well, let me put it in this perspective, what is truely important? What is only an annoyance? If he leaves his shoes in the livingroom by the door and that drives you crazy, but likes to spend time with you, what really matters?

I am a very laid back guy and there are VERY few things that irritate me or that I am picky about, so I just let it go.

Talk with him and set the boundaries <shrug>. As a man I like the bluntness not the subtly. I prefer to be informed that leaving the dishes in the sink drives the woman I am seeing crazy, because my intent is not to anger her but to show love, and if she is feeling unloved, well there is an issue then.

Ok, I have blathered on enough and I appologize all for the length of this.

God Bless and I hope this helps even a little.



ebony101 -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 4:40:37 PM)

Know yourself and what you can live with. The advice to write a list is therefore a good one. It sounds to me as thought he either:

1. can't afford to go out much;
2. doesn't have the time to go out a lot (as he has 3 young children)

Personally, I don't enjoy paying when we go out, I don't mind paying once in a while, but not all the time. If these characteristics of his, bother you and are standing out. Maybe you need to pay some attention to them and see if you could live with them for 30 - 40 years.

Peace. [8D]



sudden -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 4:54:49 PM)

If I found a man who I wasn't married to financial situation to be troubling I would simply look for another.

It seems to me that it is the inequity of the situation that you find troubling? Is that the case? Has that been true in your past relationships?

Sudden



allisonbrett -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/24/2008 5:19:53 PM)

Sounds like a perfect time to test for communication skills. Talk to him about it. Be open and honest and expect the same in return. Ask questions and express how you feel. It may be a money issue that he feels he can't compete. If he's broke supporting 3 other kids maybe he's not financially ready to date and explore a new relationship. He may also think that since you make more money then you should pay. If that were the case I'd kick him to the curb, IMO. [:D]

Either way, communication is the key to working out problems. Gage your next move by how well your talk goes. Pray about it as well. I learned to RUN if I saw red flags that couldn't be resolved easily.

[:)]



vicbhe -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/25/2008 4:49:05 PM)

You two do need to sit down and discuss this. He is well aware of the fact that he is letting you pay, it is not an accident or oversight. Been there done that.
I recommend a book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping" Dr Henry Cloud. This book focuses on getting you ready for a healthy relationship and addresses the things you mentioned earleir
quote:

My background is so messed up. My mother had kids out of wedlock, never married, yada yada. I don't know what the right thing is sometimes. Do I overlook small things and just focus on the real big issues (love, stability, fidelity, honesty, humor) and forget the tidiness, stingyiness, blah blah blah! Maybe I'm putting to much energy into this.

NO you are not putting too much energy into this. Put more energy into it! The better prepaired you are to make a good choice the better your chances of long term success.
I'll mention another book too, "Safe People" Dr Henry Cloud. In this one he points out things you can identify in other people that will identify them as safe or unsafe. Wish I'd read this one 20 years ago!
Both books are also availaible in audio form. I don't sit still long enough to read so I listen to my books.



Kat_D -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/25/2008 5:54:00 PM)

And I whole-heartedly agree with Manda and Sadey.

Nuinchrist, it is far too soon and you are far too vulnerable to be in a relationship.

I think you need time to get alone with God and really look at youself and the reasons behind you being so ready to settle for a married man...or to put it bluntly, sloppy seconds.

Hear me in this: Give God time to heal and completely restore you before you even think about another relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, women can have a fulfilled life without a man if their relationship with the Lord is flourishing.



manda59 -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/26/2008 5:48:33 PM)

How's it going, nuinchrist? Just wondered as you don't seem to have logged in for nearly 4 days.
Hope you're ok.



deermousie -> RE: Red Flags in a new relationship (9/26/2008 11:56:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

How's it going, nuinchrist? Just wondered as you don't seem to have logged in for nearly 4 days.
Hope you're ok.


I hope you're OK, too.
Go to http://fcnforums.christianity.com/m_3832422/mpage_16/tm.htm and see post # 391 - you're in for a big surprise! [:)] Congratulations!



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