How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (Full Version)

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fluteloops27 -> How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/16/2008 10:20:05 PM)

I am single and have never been married before, and I really want to have a good marriage. Other than being a Christian, being a excellent wife and mother with a family that really loves each other is the most important thing to me in this life.
It bothers me because my parents were both Christians, but I always felt like my father didn’t really love my mom. They stayed married, and my dad never had an affair, (that I know of) but they were emotionally divorced.
Are there some men out there that want to have a good, loving marriage just as much as I do? How can I be sure that I don’t end up in a loveless marriage and end up like my parents? If I really try my best, do you think that there is a good chance that I can have an excellent marriage?



Kerryannism -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/16/2008 10:44:54 PM)

Some marriages end up to be just that, especially the ones where both parties don't work on their marriage. It takes work. Your partner needs to be your best friend and you need to be his. Being kind to and validating one another is essential. He needs to be able to trust you 100% and you, him.

A quick road to a loveless marriage is disrespecting your mate in any way shape or form, little by little it will end the relationship. Question his capabilities, degrade him, embarrass him, or talk disrespectful to him and he is bound to fall out of love with you.

I think one of the biggest mistake especially women make is believing that a man doesn't need as much TLC and they do. In fact, men may need it even more.

Never take him for granted, treat him like you want to be treated, bite your lip at appropriate times :-) and never make him feel unloved or unappreciated. He must be your No 1.

All this goes for the men as well.



MC4JC -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/17/2008 8:14:45 AM)

I recommend you read a very good book - The Book of Romance by Tommy Nelson. It outlines how to find the right person, have a good marriage and what each other needs according to God and the Bible.

We got it after our marriage, but after reading it, we (with God's guidance) had done the steps outlined and didn't even know it.

The poster is right in marriage takes work - every day! Before DH and I got married (we were living in different states) we wrote down a list of 15-20 things that we expected out of a good marriage ( based on what happen wrong in the 1st marriages, and what we wanted in this one). Then we combined our list into "Marriage Rules" - we actually matched the lists about 80%!



meaton6335 -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/17/2008 10:29:14 AM)

The biggest key to keeping your marriage alive is forgiveness and talking. The Scripture says to "never let the sun go down on your anger"...there is no better advice. But you must not hold anger and bitterness in your heart. That is where forgiveness comes in. Let me give you a practical example. Say your husband left the milk out of the fridge overnight and its spoiled. You could bite your lip and say nothing but what happens to that anger you feel? Do you ever get over it? You need to speak with him about the problem and then forgive him and forget it. If it occurs again, deal with it like it never happened before. If you never forgive and forget, the anger you feel will continue to grow and fester, and your relationship will begin to look like your parents. Your relationship to God will also suffer, regardless of what you think. Christ said to "go and resolve your bitterness with your brother before you come and praise God in the santuary". Pretty specific I would say.

Humbleness is an attribute few try to grow. But true humbleness in a marriage is powerful. It breaks through anger with amazing speed.



restinginHim -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/17/2008 11:19:32 AM)

[sm=wave.gif]Just wanted to say hi and welcome fluteloops27 and meaton6335 to this forum.
quote:

ORIGINAL: fluteloops27... If I really try my best, do you think that there is a good chance that I can have an excellent marriage?
For with God nothing will be impossible. Luke 1:37

Remember every moment is the perfect time to grow in faith by continuing to focus on GOD to prepare for the things to come.

Before you marry, please take the time to really know this man-- are you both worshipping GOD together? can you pray together? do you respect him? does he respect you? is there forgiveness? do you have similar values? and what does love mean to you? are willing to work on yourselves and your relationship?

I think it's great you are thinking of these things.[;)]



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/17/2008 2:06:04 PM)

I like Dr. Laura's advice. Simplistic, but true...

1. Choose wisely.
2. Treat kindly.

Choose a good husband. Be a good wife. [;)]

quote:

It bothers me because my parents were both Christians, but I always felt like my father didn’t really love my mom. They stayed married, and my dad never had an affair, (that I know of) but they were emotionally divorced.


Are you *sure* there was no love, or did they just not express it in ways that you think they should have? "Love" and romance look different in previous generations and different cultures (and even just different personalities). I think first you need to define what you're looking for. Romance, wining and dining, emotional expressiveness from a man, etc? Something else?

If you know what you want in a marriage, be sure you choose a man who wants the same thing and demonstrates it. If you want heady romance, pick a romantic, rather than one who has his feet cemented to the ground. If you want a stable, 9-5 man, pick one, and not an adventurer who hasn't held the same job for more than a year. If you want a bunch of kids and a family centered life, pick a man who wants exactly the same thing, not a CEO who wants to be child-free and travel the world.

Then, when you've found a good man who's goals and values and desires line up with yours, spend the rest of your married life serving him, blessing him, loving him, and lifting him up, and don't look for what *you* are getting out of it. If you've done a good job picking, that serving and loving and lifting up will be mutual. [;)]



jaimestarcross -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/17/2008 2:08:30 PM)

It could be your parents are more reserved than most...
a lot depends upon how they were raised.

As for you not getting into a loveless marriage -
Always remember to honor the Lord in your marriage,
pray for each other, show love and support - you each
have to learn what the other needs... so make sure you
talk about your emotional/physical needs and don't make fun or de-value
each other in front of others. Listening is important too!
Don't tell each others personal secrets to friends/family.
Don't forget this one... it's OUR money, bills, children etc....
Don't go to bed when angry or with unresolved issues - those little
things fester and will further corrode the marriage relationship.
Help make each others dreams/goals come true.
If you and your spouse ever have troubles seek marital counseling as soon as possible... don't let things go and assume time will cure whatever the problem is.
Say "I love you" (sincerely) each day no matter what's going wrong around you.



fluteloops27 -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/23/2008 4:32:43 PM)

I guess that one of the reasons it bothers me so much is that I think that my Mom is a really good wife and mother. Most of the things that y'all have suggested are things that my Mom does, and I am worried that I will try my best and fail anyway.
Even though my (future) husband and I will have fights and may say things that we don't mean, I want to know in the end that I am where his heart is. I want to feel like he isn't just tolerating me, but loves me more than anything (other than God). I want to be one of those close couples that always is telling eachother how much they love eachother.
My parents rarley ever spend time together alone, they argue often, and dad looks at porn on the internet. I think that Dad mainly just puts up with Mom. I recently found out that looking at pornography isn't very uncommon at all, even among the church's leaders. Shouldn't they be the best? If I wait to give my whole heart to my future husband, and try to be the best, I don't want to be married to someone that only half loves me or is only half committed to me. (Matthew 5:28) I know that humans aren't perfect and fall short of God's grace, and I don't know what it's like to be a man so I don't want to be too hard on them, but still I want to have a very good marriage. Sorry that this is kind of an aquard topic. Hopefully it's ok that I asked.



vicbhe -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/23/2008 5:22:12 PM)

Choosing wisely. Ask God to give you the wisdom to pick a good quality person. God has given you common sense. Use that in spite of your emotions as emotions cause us to ignore many red flags. I recommend a couple of good books by Dr Henry Cloud "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping" and "Safe People". If I had read "safe people" 20 years ago I may not have chosen who I chose.
I was also listening to a message by Andy Stanley today and he addressed the subject of "I married this person and as soon as we got married they changed.... what happened?" The sermon was based on what Jesus said (paraphrase) "what is in our heart will come out of our mouth". Listen to their heart, what is coming out of their mouth, not when they are giving you their 'christian' talk, listen when they are mad, when they are hurting, stressed, or feeling pressured. That is when you will see their true heart, and if you marry them you will see more of that, not less.
A loveless marriage, at least what I have experienced and observed in others, is usually caused by someone who got into the marriage but really didn’t want to be married to this person. Maybe they got pregnant or just felt guilty about sex. Maybe it was a need for security and this person seemed to offer it. Maybe they dated young and didn’t know how to back out of the relationship. Or someone they dated in the past and were never truly over comes back into the picture after they are married. They find themselves wishing they were free to go back to that person.
Bottom line it's all about the heart. You are very wise to ask these questions now. You are still able to educate yourself on how to choose the best person. It's not just a matter of getting you ready for a good marriage; it's choosing the right person to do that with.



HSmom2 -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/25/2008 12:23:51 AM)

Choose wisely. Good advice. Pray and make sure God says to marry the person. Get to know them as much as possible before marriage, their character, their habits, how they treat their parents, friends, other people, animals, small children and old people and of course you!

Spend time with them doing work, washing the car, washing dishes, doing laundry, cooking and serving meals, doing the lawn, repair projects, making a budget, baby sitting kids. If a guy wouldn't watch kids with you now, what would he do when you have them?

See him under stress, and this is a biggie - when he's angry. How does he handle anger? You need to know that before you marry him. Also you want to see him/know of how he solves problems. Some people don't bother trying to solve problems, they just pretend they don't exist. You need to know. Pay attention to how much he talks to you and if he is a good listener. Does he respect women? Is he the jealous type? Controlling? Tell you what to wear, who to talk to, be friends with, etc?

Is he a flirt? Have a wandering eye? Does he think looking at pornography is ok, no big deal? Have you ever known him to lie, cheat or steal? Is he honest? Does he drink alcohol and if so how much?

Is his faith real to him, does he put it into practice?

I would make a list of things I wanted and things I didn't want in a husband. I would decide what kind of man I wanted and ask God to give me as many of those things as possible.

I think many people don't know what they really want or marry too quickly.

Check your own self-esteem. If it's low, you may not pick a quality man because you don't think you deserve one.

Communication is key. Can and will this man communicate with you? Does he now? Is he willing to compromise because that's the name of the game. No one can get their way all the time, someone has to give.

Is he Godly? Does he pray with you, willing to read the Bible with you?

You must discuss how many kids you want and he wants ahead of time and agree. But if say you want x number you have to let him know you may change your mind and want more and is he ok with this.

Watch him, observe him, do his actions and words match up?

Is he physically attractive to you? Do you want to be held and kissed by him?

Check his self esteem. If it's low, eventually it will show. If you marry a man with low or very low self esteem it will affect every part of your marriage and life.

Is he critical or worse super critical? Can he take advice? Will he take constructive critisim? Does he ask questions first or jump to conclustions? Is he mature? Does he make good decisions?

Does he have a sense of humor? Can he laugh at himself?

What is his place in his family? Are they nice to him? Do they respect him? If he is treated in any way less than his sibs, that will also apply to you and your future children.

If he has a problem with something you do, does he come and talk to you about it?

I would spend some time observing males in general and as many marriages as I could. Decide what you like, what kind of marriage you want to have, how you want to be treated. No guarantee but shoot for the moon.

I would also ask the Lord if I was ready for marriage and what I should work on in order to be ready. Pray always.

A former pastor of mine said, "If you want to be a happy single, hang around other happy singles. If you want to be happily married, then hang around happily married people"

Blessings,
hsmom2



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/25/2008 6:08:59 AM)

fluteloops--given the further information you posted, I'm re-iterating what the others have said. If you're already committed to being a good wife, then be sure you choose your husband very wisely. When you think you've found "the one", go slow. Hsmom gave you an excellent start on things you need to consider.



dianetavegia -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/25/2008 10:31:56 AM)

Love is not 'romance, flowers, boxes of candy'. If you go into a relationship expecting it to be like an episode of some TV show, you'll be very disappointed.

Your father may have loved your mother very much but not have been a demonstrative person. He may have shown love in the only way he knew how.



vicbhe -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (9/25/2008 11:10:57 AM)

Wow, HSmom2, that was a great answer! I keyed in on one line specifically
quote:

Check your own self-esteem. If it's low, you may not pick a quality man because you don't think you deserve one.
I recommended earlier "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping" Dr Henry Cloud. The main focus of this book is you! When you are emotionally healthy you are more likely to chose an emotionally healthy person also. A lot of the key items on HSmom2's list can falsly appear to be right (because you want this to be right so bad) when you are in a unhealthy state of mind.
Along those lines I see this all the time...... two people are going through a divorce (or breakup). They meet each other, both are emotionally unhealthy at this point and need a 'friend' to connect with. They connect very well as they have something very pressing in common; a need to feel they are still worth something to somebody, and the need to talk out their hurts from the previous marriage/relationship.
In their unhealthy emotional state they interprete this as love and they build a relationship on this connection. Often they marry each other in a short period of time. Problems arise when they begin to truly heal from the past relationship. There is no longer that 'connection'. They no longer need each other's emotional support to get them through the day. Suddenly they begin to realize they have little in common with each other and not even sure they like each other.
I almost did this one myself. I can tell you from my experience; the feelings you have towards that new person, feelings that are being fueled by your own unhealthy emotional vacuum, are so strong and so blinding that nothing else matters. It's almost like that person is a drug that you are addicted to.



Lynn_J -> RE: How can I have a good marriage and not be emotionally divorced? (10/1/2008 10:24:01 AM)

There have been so many good posts on this thread, with excellent advice. The only thing I feel I can add, without repeating the others, is that there are no guarantees in life. You can do your best, relying on God in the process, and that's all you can do. Pray for the right man, be the right woman, and leave the rest up to God.

Lynn

P.S. Oh, yes, and two other books that are very helpful (I don't think they were mentioned in the prior posts) are: The Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs.



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