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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/16/2008 3:01:09 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17229
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quote:
We let our opinions run rampant never knowing why that person posted the question in the first place. They may have wanted a discussion or they may have been faced with the situation and was seeking support and/or comfort from fellow christians.
But they need to explain that in their OP. When they post a one line OP and then get all defensive because it was misunderstood, how are we to know what they wanted? It's happened time and time again
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"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/16/2008 3:07:09 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 10094
Joined: 3/21/2006
From: Crimson Tide Country
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
quote:
We let our opinions run rampant never knowing why that person posted the question in the first place. They may have wanted a discussion or they may have been faced with the situation and was seeking support and/or comfort from fellow christians.
But they need to explain that in their OP. When they post a one line OP and then get all defensive because it was misunderstood, how are we to know what they wanted? It's happened time and time again
I agree they should. But, sometimes it is hard to post such personal information. And I am not saying we should not express our opinions. But I do believe we should exercise care in the way we do so.
BTW I have never read a post you made that is like you describe above.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/16/2008 5:20:49 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2550
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
quote:
We let our opinions run rampant never knowing why that person posted the question in the first place. They may have wanted a discussion or they may have been faced with the situation and was seeking support and/or comfort from fellow christians.
But they need to explain that in their OP. When they post a one line OP and then get all defensive because it was misunderstood, how are we to know what they wanted? It's happened time and time again
Well, the lady I referred to in my op was pretty clear about where she wanted the thread to go, and it was totally taken in the other direction. I can't really describe it specifically, because it's not a co-ed topic.
But I CAN describe what happened to the chinese young woman.
She was having conflict with her mother..she started a post in which she asked for suggestions on how she and her mother could live together more harmoniously. Her situation was that she did live with her mother and would be continuing to do so for the near future.....that was the fact of how things were going to be, and she wanted some suggestions for how to live harmoniously WITH her mother.
Instead of being given suggestions of how to live in harmony and peace with her mother, about 10 people simply said.....if you can't live with her you need to just move out.
It wasn't until one poster came and on and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady's english diction tells me she is not from the U.S.," and the young woman confirmed she was from China, that the tone of the thread changed, but it said right in her avatar that she was from China. I'm pretty sure I didn't post in that thread, but I remember lurking...considering that for various reasons, I myself am living with my parents, at least for now, I am pretty certain that I am not one of the ones that snapped at her to move out. However, unless she and I never hang out in the same folders, I don't think that young woman ever came back. And like I said, I don't think "moving out" is as simple for a Chinese young man or woman as it is here. Which I guess adds a p.s. to my original post that we also need to remember that not everyone on here is from the U.S.
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"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 10:21:35 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17966
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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You know what bothers me, and not necessarily a newbie thing, but when in the OP it is made clear that this is not to be a bashing thread on the topic, and then people post their dislikes anyway. Not that has happened recently at all. Also, sorry to be off topic.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 11:12:13 AM
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huangshan
Posts: 727
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I don't think "moving out" is as simple for a Chinese young man or woman as it is here. Which I guess adds a p.s. to my original post that we also need to remember that not everyone on here is from the U.S.
I am living in China now.
"Moving out" is almost completely unfeasible for many Chinese, especially women. The generation gap here between the parents and children of the 1980s is probably one of the largest in the world.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 12:41:00 PM
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solo_soprano22
Posts: 2474
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
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I don't know who you were referring to in the OP, but I *think* I do. By the time I got to the thread, the OP had deleted as much as she could, so I never saw the post really. I did see the title though, and that's where my concern is...because I saw what people said back. I have a similar problem as that woman (if I'm thinking of the right person). And there's one thing I know that irritates me beyond what I can even describe, and that's getting answers about what she was saying in the OP that weren't asked for. People don't seem to realize what we have to go through on a day-to-day basis, and we try to avoid some things by setting limits to answers so that we won't be given unwanted counsel or hurt more than we have been...and really, people tend to think it's an easily solved problem, but it has causes that aren't taken care of the way many others have taken care of their own problems here. Some people have diseases, while others may be able to ameliorate their situations by do-it-yourself measures. When or if you have a disease though, many times all the DIY stuff is null. Doesn't work; I know it doesn't work because mine isn't like your problem, and I don't really want to hear how you fixed whatever because it's not going to work in my case because mine's a disease. It sounds blunt, but it's almost like someone with (for example) a UTI telling someone with IC to do what they did to get rid of their cystitis. Those two types of problems are caused by two different things although they are forms of the same disorder; my permanent cystitis won't go away if I do what you did-- because you had bacterial (acute) cystitis...mine's incurable and bacteria had nothing to do with mine.
It almost makes you feel like they know you better than you know you, and you know you know what you're talking about and don't want to hear that anymore. So, yes, there are times when you may not see you do the same thing to a person that people in their lives have done to them (including physicians)....and maybe that's why they ask for only certain kinds of replies.
Anyway, I think that can go a long way in Personal Issues and Health/Fitness. I try not to do the "Well, have you tried this?" or a myriad of other things to a person when that's not what they asked for. For some, there's something behind that that opens a world of hurt, and because I know how it is from personal experience, I'm not about to do it to someone else. BUT if someone is asking for tips/advice, then I'll do that. That's one reason why I think people need to answer what is asked, and not just say whatever comes to mind. They may think they're being helpful when they're really being quite harmful because of what that person already has to go through. I actually remember posting a similar question in Relationships (as what you mentioned in the OP)... but I ended up getting some replies that were telling me things I never asked for folks to address, and really, I asked for it be specific because I know some things, because of my past history, are hurtful for me to hear-- partly because the people who are supposed to help (doctors and loved ones-- usually a husband for most) sometimes hurt us to a severe point because of something we cannot help, and it's a common complaint of people with the same disease.
There's usually something beyong what I can read in an OP about certain situations, so I try to answer what's asked. If I can't do that, I don't reply.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 1:48:12 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2550
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huangshan
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I don't think "moving out" is as simple for a Chinese young man or woman as it is here. Which I guess adds a p.s. to my original post that we also need to remember that not everyone on here is from the U.S.
I am living in China now.
"Moving out" is almost completely unfeasible for many Chinese, especially women. The generation gap here between the parents and children of the 1980s is probably one of the largest in the world.
Thank you for clarifying that, huangshan! I was pretty sure that was the case, but wasn't familiar enough with the issues to be 100% sure. It's really helpful to get clarification from an inside source.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 1:49:23 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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Solo, you wrapped it up quite well...and yes, you have the right idea about the lady I'm talking about...I'll pm you...oh, never mind I already did.
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"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 2:18:33 PM
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jonfortean6
Posts: 969
Joined: 9/16/2008
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:
SonInMe1:
This is a forum, a place where ideas and ideals are debated and discussed. If an opinion contrary to your's forces you to quit this site....you probably were not equiped to be here in the first place.
The mods do a fine job and if someone violates the TOS, they get attention. I believe, to attack another poster is a TOS violation....? So, no one really gets attacked in here without a mod taking action.
People are WAY TOO THIN SKINNED.
This is a very nice kitchen but the fact remains...if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
I say if you can't take the heat, ask the others to turn the oven down. Now I'm not saying we have to agree with everybody and have an all-in-agreement "Kum-Ba-Ya" relationship with each other. I know that we have different God-given personalities. But I'm sure we can all be nice, lol. Me included. I've said things that could have been said with better tact. And I'm one of the newbies! lol.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 3:16:04 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17229
Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
Instead of being given suggestions of how to live in harmony and peace with her mother, about 10 people simply said.....if you can't live with her you need to just move out.
quote:
Well, the lady I referred to in my op was pretty clear about where she wanted the thread to go, and it was totally taken in the other direction. I can't really describe it specifically, because it's not a co-ed topic.
What I can't understand is, instead of bemoaning it after the fact, why wasn't a report filed against those posts? Even filing against one would have gotten the attention of the mods. We can't be everywhere, read everything, and sometimes if we do read it we don't notice it. It helps if those reading a thread would report that something is wrong.
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"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 4:52:24 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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Well, the reason I didn't report it at the time, was because none of the posts by themselves seemed like a TOS violation, it was more like if one put the whole thread together than it was...and I didn't think there was really any way to report a whole thread..
So, can we actually click the report button on one post, but then tell the moderator about the whole thread? I've never reported any one yet (except for one nasty pm from a guy in singles whose not here anymore, and had already repented to me before Lisa had even written me back, so I kinda let it go).
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 4:54:31 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17966
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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I don't like to report anything unless I am sure that a tos has occurred. I don't want to seem like I am bothering people at all. 
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 5:58:13 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17229
Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
So, can we actually click the report button on one post, but then tell the moderator about the whole thread?
Yes. You'd need to report the post where you think the off topic posts began, or at least close to it. It is unreasonable to expect a mod to read through a 6-10+ page thread to figure out where the off topic posts began.
_____________________________
"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 6:33:56 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4938
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
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I think one thing that makes it difficult on the other side of the curtain (the part of forums where the normal people are) is that you can't see what goes on on the mod side of things. You don't get to see how many posts were deleted or what the post said before it was edited. You don't know whether or not a mod or even Fritz himself sent a PM or e-mail to the other poster about their actions and what was said. You don't know who was banned or why (unless they tell you, and you will only hear their side of the story.) And we're not allowed to talk about it. So when poster X says, "They banned me for no reason!", we can't defend ourselves and say, "Oh, if you had only seen what they did!". We cannot violate their privacy by telling you all that. We often will sit by quietly, taking flack for being heavy handed or unfair, instead of exposing people's sins to the world.
I've been on both sides of the curtain, so I know that it can be confusing and frustrating sometimes to not understand what's going on. I've also been able to come back and look at the situation later as a mod and understand what happened. Things aren't always what they seem.
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 6:39:43 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17229
Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
We often will sit by quietly, taking flack for being heavy handed or unfair, instead of exposing people's sins to the world.
exactly.
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"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/20/2008 9:41:40 PM
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LaurainAL
Posts: 1295
Joined: 8/13/2005
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quote:
I have seen posts in a thread that I thought were incredibly rude, but they were not breaking TOS. Then another person will come along and personally attack the first poster, which *is* a TOS.
This is where the newbie gets in trouble. They aren't as familiar with TOS than a veteran poster. Some posters are quite clever at passing insults in a passive-aggressive manner and just narrowly staying within the TOS. The newbie doesn't see it that way and they react defensively to the perceived attacked and BOOM, they have violated TOS. This is my major gripe with this board. To purposefully bait someone is just wrong.
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Life Trumps Choice
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 9/21/2008 8:25:41 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4938
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
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I think some people have different ideas about what consitutes a personal attack. Obviously, some things we probably all know are wrong--name calling, insults, etc.
But there are some phrases that I think some feel are attacks that might not be.
"You're wrong"
"You don't know what you are talking about"
You're misinformed"
"You should do A instead of B"
It's not always wrong to tell someone what they should do, especially if they've asked for advice. If they didn't ask, it may fall into unwelcome counsel. If they are posting in a debate thread, the issue is up for debate. That's why we have debate threads and support threads. Some people enjoy a good debate on issues, other prefer just to chat about their own situations without having to defend them. Neither is wrong, it just needs to be done in the right places.
Yes, there are people who come on here now and then that are just plain mean. We get our share of trolls and disturbed people. Most of the time they don't take very long earning themselves a ban. Why do people come on and attack people? I don't know. Sin nature, I guess.
I'll tell you what, though--it's very hard to "skirt the TOS" and not find yourselves in trouble ever. That's like driving a few miles over the speed limit and hoping to never get pulled over. You're going to get caught sooner or later.
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: The new kid in school...........here - 11/8/2008 9:49:30 AM
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beachcooky
Posts: 893
Joined: 6/21/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I am a little sad right now. I just saw a lady leave the whole forums who was brand new...she had a question about how to communicate something..instead of people just answering her question about communication, she got told the thing she was communicating about was a wrong idea....and now she has already closed her account... 
I've seen a few other instances like that....
In fact the first time I ever posted here......I was about to leave for good because I felt my viewpoint was so attacked....but thankfully, I was encouraged to stay...
Sometimes I think we could all do better about giving brand new members some breathing room...as well as keeping up on the introduction folder...
Now, I'm not talking about when a new member starts using bad language and harassing others and a mod has to correct them...I understand that....
but I've seen a brand new poster get completely attacked for their OPINION, even when they've stated it nicely and within TOS lines, and some of them never even continue their account....
I dunno, I just think with new posters, maybe we could argue less, and welcome more (I'm afraid I myself have even been guilty of this recently)....and save the heated debates for when they've been around a little longer...
Thats not good :/
I have an opinion about it, but rather not talk about it because it will probably stir up things and I don't want to do that!
But yeah, thats why I didn't go to the debate forms my first time. I still don't, because that's not my thing. But I stay clear from a few folders when I know it's going to be a debate and whatnot!
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