Some random Zen thoughts.... (Full Version)

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APZR -> Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/9/2008 11:55:12 PM)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the heck alone! [:@]

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. [&:]
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. [sm=farmersmile.gif]
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any. [8D]
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. [8|]
6. No one is listening until you fart. [sm=dance.gif]
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else. [sm=catinhatsmile.gif]
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. [sm=pirate.gif]
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes. [sm=smile-l.gif]
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. [sm=smilecrossbone.gif]
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. [sm=thumbsup.gif]
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. [sm=angertalk.gif]
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. [sm=angelhalo.gif]
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. [sm=growlwarning.gif]
16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time. [sm=frog.gif]
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. [&o]
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. [sm=dollars.gif]
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. [sm=bigears.gif]
20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. [sm=thumbsup.gif]
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. [:@]
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. [8|]
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. [sm=yummy.gif]
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. [sm=fireanger.gif]
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our... then things get worse. [sm=eek.gif]
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. [sm=icon_smile_boggled.gif]
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". [sm=comp1.gif]
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. [sm=cooltilt.gif]
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. [sm=pharoah.gif]
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. [&:][sm=aside.gif]



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:09:27 AM)

quote:

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


That's usually happens at a less convenient time, somewhere down the road. [:D]



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:10:40 AM)

quote:

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


Truer words have never been spoken.



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:12:12 AM)

quote:

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


That is soooo me. Can't remember anything. [sm=icon_smile_blush.gif]



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:14:03 AM)

quote:

16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.


The one I've heard is: I'll try anything once...twice if she likes it.



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:18:07 AM)

quote:

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


So you've been to a Church Council meeting too. [8D]



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:20:34 AM)

quote:

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


I'd have to disagree. Some people just aint right, right out of the shoot. [:D]



OneJohn410 -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/10/2008 11:36:05 PM)

and a little tribute to George Carlin... some random Carlin thoughts... not known to have come from any one specific source, lest someone think I'm including all of them in their entirety.

1. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

2. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

3. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

4. How come the number 11 is not pronounced onety one?

5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

6. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

7. No teammate ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

And a couple of Bert Christensen’s Sniglets...

1. 110 At The Equator (won' ten at the ek way' tawr) - n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight from the dryer.

2. Aeropalmics (ayr o palm' iks) - n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.

3. Arachnidiot (ar ak ni' di ot) - n. A person, who, having wandered into an "invisible" spider web, begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

4. Bovilexia (bo vil eks' e uh) - n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow.

5. Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

6. Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

7. Kawashock (kah wah shahk') - n. Pulling into the last remaining parking spot only to discover a motorcycle there.



APZR -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/11/2008 12:12:08 AM)

[:D] gotta love Carlin. [sm=cooltilt.gif]



APZR -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/11/2008 12:13:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayofson

quote:

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


I'd have to disagree. Some people just aint right, right out of the shoot. [:D]



Yeah, gotta give you that one. I have been able to peg a con man before even a word was uttered based on actions and attitude.



rayofson -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/11/2008 12:04:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: APZR

[:D] gotta love Carlin. [sm=cooltilt.gif]



I had a love/hate relationship with Carlin. Loved his sense of humor and originality. But he was so anti-Christian that it turned my Stomach.



denbert -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/13/2008 10:56:23 AM)

-
So where is he now?



OneJohn410 -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/13/2008 1:01:40 PM)

Where is Carlin now? He died earlier this year.

There's another guy- can't think of his name. He's got a messy show sometimes... makes a big to-do of taking (or did at one time) produce and smashing it with a giant mallet where it would goosh all over everthing, including the first couple rows of the audience. Oh! Gallagher! I don't think he did much stand-up stuff. That is, I don't know how Zen-like Gallagher got with things.

I've got a real sense that the TV world is moving away from humor and into the 'reality' shows, and the strange self-abuse run through the maze shows. Soon we'll have some retro TV- that Knight Rider show is starting back up.



APZR -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/13/2008 4:39:24 PM)

Yeah man, I'm ready for Night Rider! Relive my youthful 80's. [sm=thumbsup.gif] I'm so darn board to death with "reality shows", I haven't watched the networks in almost 2 years. However, I will find myself laughing at Jeff Foxworthy on Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?



denbert -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/15/2008 6:02:10 AM)

-
Actually I could do quite well without TV. But if I got rid of that, my wife would come in and drag me away from my 'puter.



APZR -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/15/2008 4:01:28 PM)

[:D] so true. [:D]



OneJohn410 -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/17/2008 10:08:33 AM)

More random deep thoughts and Zen-like idiums/idiocies:

1. travel time is directly proportional to the need to get somewhere, the need to get there in a timely manner, and even how late you are at the start. If you are just out to see what's happening in the world- like to browse the hardware or the latest 'lectronics, you've got nothing but green lights and courtesy. Anything more, and it's total warfare out there.

2. Eyesight is failing more frequently than is admitted to. That, and a driver's ability to locate the accelerator once safely pulling out in front of you.

3. Have you checked your tire pressure lately? The last time I did I was about five pounds under and about $2.50/gallon over.

5. Sometimes I forget to check my tire pressure, but I often fail to see the gas signs that end in 9.9.

6. There's a special for the coffin-shopper who invented such strange pricing on things... a nice pine box for $3999.99 plus tax.

7. It gets even better for certain merchandisers. The pine box is wrapped in shrink-wrap celophane that has unfortunately somewhat dried to the pine finish.

8. And for those looking on a great price to boot, there's now a nice plastic baggie with built-in handles guaranteed to shred on the way out to the car designed specifically for the size of the pine box.

9. You can lead a horse to water, and on a hot day, you're lucky if he throws you in it. Otherwise, you plop down in the dirt while he slurps it all up.

10. There's little pills now at the dentist for relaxation dentistry. Keep these things away from your dentist and your visit copay will not be astronomical.

11. The fastest way to discover something faulty with your vehicle is to give it some attention and have something with it repaired. Hey, mechanics gotta eat too.[:D]

12. The crash ratio of the home computer is directly related to the importance of what you are using it for. Don't pause to save things anymore. Make certain every fifth key press is control-s or whatever makes it store something. That litlle pause just gives the thing a thoght it has more resources to do something else with. Trust me on *blink*!...



APZR -> RE: Some random Zen thoughts.... (9/18/2008 12:52:47 PM)

Take offs are optional, landings are not.

Some days you are the bug, other days you are the windshield.

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Blue-green meat, now that's bad for you!

People who are tough never have to tell you that they are. It’s the same with people who are honest.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some considerable influence, try ordering someone else’s dog around.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a person or a critter don’t be surprised if they learn it.



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