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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 1:48:57 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1864
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jesuschick247
Okay, so I've always been told growing up that the guy is the one who should ask you out and not the other way around.
My answer may take you by surprise, so please understand that it's meant for your best future (and some fortunate man's, too!  ) and happiness.
The healthy relationship of a man and a woman is one that the man is the initiator and the woman is the responder. That's just how God made us and we can't tweak it. One way we can avoid relationships that won't work is to wait for the man to make the first move. It's the pattern that we start with that continues on in to marriage. Guys who won't or can't make the first move won't be able to play their role in a marriage so that it *could* be successful (unless they are taught this or figure it out, but why start with a guy who can't do relationships God's way? Wait until they figure it out, *then* see what happens. There's no point buying a car with square wheels). 
Let me ask these questions: are you ready to marry? Do you have the skills for running a good home and caring for husband and children? Are you finished with your education and emotionally and spiritually mature so you are ready to be the helpmate of a good man?
If you answer no, let me suggest that it's probably not time for men in your life right now. You wouldn't buy a car that was only half assembled, so why jump into a relationship that can't go anywhere yet? Recreational dating the way the world (and many a Christian) does it is good practice for divorce: Get physically involved, give your heart away, break up. Repeat.
When you are found by the wonderful man you will marry, wouldn't it be better if you had waited for just him, rather than be battered and scarred by numerous relationships that left you hurting and mistrustful?
You don't have to do it either way, but a lot of married people will say they wish *they* had waited, and just gotten on with their lives until "the One" showed up.
May your life be blessed!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 1:56:12 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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quote:
My answer may take you by surprise, so please understand that it's meant for your best future (and some fortunate man's, too! ) and happiness.
The healthy relationship of a man and a woman is one that the man is the initiator and the woman is the responder. That's just how God made us and we can't tweak it. One way we can avoid relationships that won't work is to wait for the man to make the first move. It's the pattern that we start with that continues on in to marriage. Guys who won't or can't make the first move won't be able to play their role in a marriage so that it *could* be successful (unless they are taught this or figure it out, but why start with a guy who can't do relationships God's way? Wait until they figure it out, *then* see what happens. There's no point buying a car with square wheels).
Let me ask these questions: are you ready to marry? Do you have the skills for running a good home and caring for husband and children? Are you finished with your education and emotionally and spiritually mature so you are ready to be the helpmate of a good man?
If you answer no, let me suggest that it's probably not time for men in your life right now. You wouldn't buy a car that was only half assembled, so why jump into a relationship that can't go anywhere yet? Recreational dating the way the world (and many a Christian) does it is good practice for divorce: Get physically involved, give your heart away, break up. Repeat.
When you are found by the wonderful man you will marry, wouldn't it be better if you had waited for just him, rather than be battered and scarred by numerous relationships that left you hurting and mistrustful?
You don't have to do it either way, but a lot of married people will say they wish *they* had waited, and just gotten on with their lives until "the One" showed up.
May your life be blessed!
I totally see where you are coming from,(it could be because my mom tells me that all the time?!) I guess I just sometimes worry that I will let the right guy slip right by when he does come along because I have a tendency to overlook things! But, thank you so much for your advice, I will keep that in mind. And no, I'm not done with my education, I'm only a freshman in college?! Guess I just need to stay focused! I was just questioning this because, he is the most on-fire and nice christian guy I have EVER met in my life, but God's in control! And I need to learn to be content with that.
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 2:31:22 PM
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SuccessinTruth
Posts: 76
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what deermousie said! May sound old fashioned, but waiting for God's timing is always the BEST! And, believe it or not, down the road, it will matter to you that he asked for you and not the other way around. God bless you, your wisdom is in the asking.
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May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 2:35:52 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SuccessinTruth
what deermousie said! May sound old fashioned, but waiting for God's timing is always the BEST! And, believe it or not, down the road, it will matter to you that he asked for you and not the other way around. God bless you, your wisdom is in the asking.
Thanks for all the advice, I just know I can be kind of impatient sometimes, even though I know God's timing is best! Thanks for taking the time to care!
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 2:54:32 PM
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JimboFletch
Posts: 6628
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Our first "date" was when my (now) wife asked me to a church sopnsored event. Until then, I thought she was interested in another guy. That low-stress, first-time invitation gave me the nudge I needed to really notice her.
We've been married 36 years and are awaiting the birth of our 3rd grandchild.
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 3:00:43 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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Thanks for all the advice guys, it is really helpful!! Keep it coming!
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 4:54:18 PM
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Ninjaearth
Posts: 97
Joined: 2/16/2008
From: Hyattsville, Maryland
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I think the advice is good so far, but I will say this from a guy's perspective. I think it's important for the guy to be the initiator and starter of things. However, how can we start something if we have no idea that something even exist?
I'm sorry, people, but to be honest with you, a woman can really like a guy but the guy could possibly like her and he wouldn't know it. He may see her everyday and they may talk alittle bit, but she does nothing to say "hey, I"m interested in you". In his mind, he likes her, he wants to really try going out with her, but the problem is that she is only spreading the message that she's just a friend with no "hint" of interest. So....while she likes him, the girl waits until he makes the first move; that goes for a long time. Suddenly, the guy looses interest because he doesn't know that she likes him, because nothing has hinted to him about her having an interest in him. So.....she waits and waits and gets disappointed in the end when she seems him with another girl some months later. What happened? The woman he is now with gave him hints that said "I like you please look this way" while she just kept waiting and waiting. Why? Because she did absolutely nothing!
Maybe the anecdote was unrealistic, but in reality this happens alot, mostly with guys that aren't just going to go up to woman and just ask her out because they don't think she's interested and naturally don't want to assume so. So, what happens is that many guys, like myself, wait and look for a "hint" of interest. It is only when we have a hint of interest, a door of opportunity, that we go in and initiate the first move. For example, my girlfriend gave me plenty of signals that from the start that told she was highly interested. No, she didn't give me her number until I asked for it, she didn't call her until I called her first, and I was the one who started who suggested meeting her in person first (we met online). So, what I am saying is that, ladies, it is good and appropriate for a guy to start the phone conversations and all the other stuff, but he can't and probably will not do anything unless he sees that there is a hint of interest. Otherwise, why am I going to try to start something that I have no clue about. Remember, a football game doesn't start until a signal is given; otherwise if people just started playing it wouldn't go right. I think too many people (both men and women) lose out in meeting a terrific mate because of lack of information and communication. I'm not saying a woman has to put a sign on her head that says "I'm available pick me" but I think there has to be a sign of interest on the woman's part to catch the man's attention; otherwise, ladies, how do you really know he's interest or just wants to be a friend and nothing else?
So...I would say, that the guy should make the first move, only when it is preceded by the woman's hint of interest; for example, when I met my girlfriend Helen, she used the smileys to communicate her interest in me. Of course, context is important in all cases. There were times when she just used the smile button for no apparent reason that seemed to suggest that she was interested in me; other times, there were certain statements that obviously suggested that she was interested. But, she didn't take it beyond that. She just simply threw out hints until I either responded to them and initiate the first step of dating. It wasn't until a little later that I started with the first step by moving our status upward and even planned to meet her in person, letting make all the provisions for the meeting spot since I'd be on her turf. In taking the first step in asking for her number, calling her, and even meeting her, none of this would have been possible if she didn't give me a signal in the beginning. Whether that signal is big or small, depends on you.
Just remember that we men are not mind readers or that we should just "know" because we don't. If we have nothing to act on, then nothing gets started. Even a smile from a woman that likes a guy will get his attention, if he is interested. If he is, ladies, then like everyone said, he'll start everything. Okay, this doesn't work for every guy, but not all guys are super-aggressive and will not approach a woman unless he knows for sure he has a shot! Women aren't the only ones who fear rejection; that small "hint" is just enough for us to know that we will not be rejected. So...that's my two-cents on that! Other than that, put up your signals and wait for the guy to come along and answer them.
_____________________________
"Spiritual Soldier Ninjaearth"
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 5:14:13 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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quote:
Just remember that we men are not mind readers or that we should just "know" because we don't. If we have nothing to act on, then nothing gets started. Even a smile from a woman that likes a guy will get his attention, if he is interested. If he is, ladies, then like everyone said, he'll start everything. Okay, this doesn't work for every guy, but not all guys are super-aggressive and will not approach a woman unless he knows for sure he has a shot! Women aren't the only ones who fear rejection; that small "hint" is just enough for us to know that we will not be rejected. So...that's my two-cents on that! Other than that, put up your signals and wait for the guy to come along and answer them.
I think your advice was the most helpful by far!! See, the guy I like is REALLY SHY! (And I'm not being sarcastic when I say that! He turns all red just when we talk to each other, if that's not shy I'm not sure what is!) As far as smiling, I am really good at that! And, I think yesterday at church he may have gotten the hint that I like him, we both are singing in our churches christmas musical and when we were practicing I kept glancing over and smiling at him, especially when he and some of the other guys were attempting to sing like girls...not pretty!
But, I'm going to just let God be in control and if it's meant to be, then it will be!
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 5:21:21 PM
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preserved
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: jesuschick247
Okay, so I've always been told growing up that the guy is the one who should ask you out and not the other way around.
My answer may take you by surprise, so please understand that it's meant for your best future (and some fortunate man's, too! ) and happiness.
The healthy relationship of a man and a woman is one that the man is the initiator and the woman is the responder. That's just how God made us and we can't tweak it. One way we can avoid relationships that won't work is to wait for the man to make the first move. It's the pattern that we start with that continues on in to marriage. Guys who won't or can't make the first move won't be able to play their role in a marriage so that it *could* be successful (unless they are taught this or figure it out, but why start with a guy who can't do relationships God's way? Wait until they figure it out, *then* see what happens. There's no point buying a car with square wheels).
Let me ask these questions: are you ready to marry? Do you have the skills for running a good home and caring for husband and children? Are you finished with your education and emotionally and spiritually mature so you are ready to be the helpmate of a good man?
If you answer no, let me suggest that it's probably not time for men in your life right now. You wouldn't buy a car that was only half assembled, so why jump into a relationship that can't go anywhere yet? Recreational dating the way the world (and many a Christian) does it is good practice for divorce: Get physically involved, give your heart away, break up. Repeat.
When you are found by the wonderful man you will marry, wouldn't it be better if you had waited for just him, rather than be battered and scarred by numerous relationships that left you hurting and mistrustful?
You don't have to do it either way, but a lot of married people will say they wish *they* had waited, and just gotten on with their lives until "the One" showed up.
May your life be blessed!
I have to agree with deermousie on this one...It is better to let the man being the head (under God) to be the iniator first. So many women today are trying to take the male role and that is not what God intended. The man is suppose to lead you not the women leading the man...Body language tells a lot to a man...how you respond during conversation...I certainly would not come right out and tell him that you like him...Let him if he is really interested in you do the pursuing...
It is funny...I was just telling my brother the other day...he likes the female who attends our bible study...yet he asked me and my parents to tell the female that he was interested...I simply said no...if a man is unable to communicate an initial conversation...what does that really mean???
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/8/2008 5:25:03 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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Oh,no!! I think I started a debate by asking this question!! But, I really did need other's advice, I ask my mom and she just keeps saying to wait on God and if it's to be, it will be! Anyway, thank you everybody who has taken the time to care and give their opnion on this one!
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 7:04:41 AM
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ekserekseez
Posts: 661
Joined: 7/3/2008
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I'm much more likely to go out with a woman who asks me out than with one I ask out myself. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
I'm sort of a lazy dater. I hate making the plans, so I really like it when a girl asks me out and sets everything up. I have no problem springing for the tab. And I'm much more likely to ask her out and do the planning myself the second time.
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 11:28:05 AM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 458
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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I'm with Ninjaearth. Women you can't just expect a guy to just know. Smiling even means little to me because several girls smile at me. Coming straight out saying I like you or I'm interested is key. Then I take it from there.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 12:25:11 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1864
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jesuschick247
I totally see where you are coming from,(it could be because my mom tells me that all the time?!) I guess I just sometimes worry that I will let the right guy slip right by when he does come along because I have a tendency to overlook things! But, thank you so much for your advice, I will keep that in mind. And no, I'm not done with my education, I'm only a freshman in college?! Guess I just need to stay focused! I was just questioning this because, he is the most on-fire and nice christian guy I have EVER met in my life, but God's in control! And I need to learn to be content with that.
Imagine it this way: A guy has been praying for God to give him a good wife. Maybe he's been praying for years. He's finished his education and now has a career. He knows from his Bible study and men's retreats he's been on how to be a good husband and father. He's active in his church and has shown his godly behavior, because that's who he is. Then one day he practically trips over this wonderful Christian woman: you. Your education is finished, you have the skills to run a home and take care of a husband and children, you have a great reputation with the people who've known you for years, you're mature, kind and loving. ZAP!
People who aren't ready for marriage aren't going to be ready when they grab someone and marry them. Why not let God be your match maker? Here's the key: It all has to do with your theology. Is God sovereign or not? Does He rule or does He stand aside and nervously wring His hands and hopes you won't blow it? He keeps the planets in their orbits and the prophecies of Christ (over 200 of them I think) all came true to the letter. And He made those known sometimes thousands of years ahead of when they happened. I think He has a plan for you, and as you surrender yourself to Him he will be orchestrating the universe to bless you in His perfect timing. And that probably means a husband, as that's His will for most people. Ps. 84:11 says "No good thing will He withhold from him (her) who walks uprightly." He won't hold out on you. And He won't be late.
Were I you, I'd put my nose to the grindstone and do really well in college. I'd get involved in a ministry of some sort, and have an older woman disciple me. I'd read books on the skills needed for marriage and get ready, because his path is going to cross your path at the right point, and it's better if you're ready by then.
Be praying that he'll be ready, too. He needs to be sanctified, matured in his faith, be provided for and protected, just like you. You don't know his name, but you know he's coming and he is probably as lonely as you are. Hold him up in prayer until you get to hold him at your wedding!
And thank God you have a godly mother to tell you this. I had to figure it out myself (and I told my daughter, and she's listening, too - God will bless her and you, I've no doubt) and it was rough. Give her a hug from me, OK? God bless you, dear one.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 12:41:56 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2277
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Dear deermousie,
Thank you for all your advice, I will be taking it to heart and trying to put it to good use. As for right now I am really working hard on college and just got told a few nights ago that I am promoted to one of the youth leaders in our youth group!(Something I have been praying for and working towards for quite a while now.) As for the guy, we are still friends and it is fun to just be able to stay that way, no pressure. Although, I was telling my mom last night even if it turns out that friends is all we are ever going to be, I would still like to fall in love with a guy that is similar to him, that has his passion, drive, and willingness to serve God. Know that none of your advice went on deaf ears, I only ask so many questions so I may be better equipped to serve God and those around me.
Thanks again,
jesuschick247
_____________________________
I Think I'm Outta Control!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 2:33:42 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1864
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ninjaearth
I think the advice is good so far, but I will say this from a guy's perspective. I think it's important for the guy to be the initiator and starter of things. However, how can we start something if we have no idea that something even exist?
I was hoping a guy would bring this up. Watch the eyes for mutual eye contact, and then a smile, however brief. It's the first step on the dance. The second is go talk to her about something of interest to her. "Been going to this church long? Do your parents go here? Did you get that broken arm in a bar fight?" (Well, maybe not the last one, but it would make me laugh. Laughter = approval)(the third step is the sideways hug).
quote:
I'm sorry, people, but to be honest with you, a woman can really like a guy but the guy could possibly like her and he wouldn't know it.
We women are not as bold and direct as you guys; we hint. You are stalking Big Game here, so develop a hair trigger on spotting the little signs. It's good practice for marriage, too. And you can then ask your wife to more direct, when she's confident of your love.
quote:
So...I would say, that the guy should make the first move, only when it is preceded by the woman's hint of interest; for example, when I met my girlfriend...
Look at Scripture - there are sisters, betrothed women, wives, daughters, widows... no girlfriends. God is going to (probably) give you a wife in His perfect time. Is your education finished? Do you have a career that will support a family for 30 years? Are you getting into your Bible daily and keeping short accounts with your sin ("Oh, that's sin. I confess it, God, and turn away from it. Please help me to live Your way"). Do you have a good name with the spiritually mature Christians in your life? Please allow me to suggest, contrary to the secular world, that if you aren't ready to marry then you aren't ready to go find a woman for yourself. Not yet. But one will be there for you to find, and she's be matched just for you, in God's perfect timing.
A godly young lady I know knows that her education is going to make her a better person and servant of God (good Christian college) and that she can't be married , running a house and having kids and still be going to college. So she has put on her blinders and is hitting the books. She told a guy who asked her out, "I don't have time for guys in my life right now" and meant it. It's not that she wouldn't like one, but she's deciding where she's going and how to get there. She isn't going to give any encouragement to any guy, no matter how wonderful, because she's got a target in front of her.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Should the guy always make the first move? - 9/9/2008 2:43:28 PM
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preserved
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/12/2007
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quote:
We women are not as bold and direct as you guys; we hint. You are stalking Big Game here, so develop a hair trigger on spotting the little signs. It's good practice for marriage, too. And you can then ask your wife to more direct, when she's confident of your love. We
Sorry...deermousie...There are some women that are bold and direct as the males...Particulary those who are tired of waiting on the man to iniate the interest
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Anyone who has been here before or any advice you can give me would be SO helpful!!!
) Which was kind of good, we talked quite a bit. I guess my main fear of telling him is that he doesn't feel the same, mostly because I am terrible at reading what guys' really think and what I think they are thinking!
Life would be easier if we could do that.