RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and support thread
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 2:42:14 AM
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nicole6598
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Jae I totally get what you mean and I DO need to be doing what you said. I don't know what's stopping me. Laziness, tiredness, feeling let down by church etc etc all excuses that I need to deal with and move on. I haven't read my Bible for awhile. I have read bits and pieces.
I found in a catalogue for the Christian store here in Australia some Max Lucado cd's that come with books that are cheap enough for me to buy a few to get some good teaching into me. there is a marriage one, getting closer to God one etc. Its hard not going to church or going but not getting fed.
Christina I think I have read the book before. I have the boundaries for children book. I might see if I can find one on ebay. I know my Christian bookshop would have copies too.
Reach- I have that book!! I got it last year and I did read it and that was when I really began to change (well try my best). It seemed the more I changed, the worse he got, like he was taking advantage of my niceness. expectations- yes i do have an idea of what a Christian husband should be like. He has an idea of what I should be like to. Its very hard. I get what that other book was saying about things that my hubby can't meet, but sometimes they are things he SHOULD be doing and its totally different from God. God can't say "you are doing a great job raising the kids" or "I sure am glad I married you" etc etc. I did that wife challenge too last year (or was it this year?) and again I felt like he was just making the most of my kindness after a while...
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 8:50:08 AM
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HisCovenant
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Do I just let this keep happening over and over again or do I try and tell him what I believe is the problem and seems obvious to others who barely know him?
You don't do either. You make your boundries of how you are going to act in certain situations and what what is required for your behavior and you allow him to adjust to the consequences/ rewards of that. It doesn't do to tell people what is obvious to others... you have to let them learn for themselves. You are not the Holy Spirit to convict him.
Neither do you act like a doormat and just ignore the situation. You have responsibility to him as your Christian brother to help guide him from sin. You have a responsibility to Christ to not be enticed into sin with him.
It's not one extreme or the other. And that's one of the hardest things about being a Christian IMO... we have to balance the whole counsel of God in our walk. Luckily, we have the Holy Spirit and Christ to help us!!!
You may want to reread the book that made things worse (When women walk alone?) I have no idea if that's a good book, but I have seen in my own life that my first time through something I didn't glean as much out of it as I could. It may be more valuable to you after having put pieces of it into practice... you may find things that you missed the first time (or just didn't understand, or weren't ready to put into practice) that bring things into better balance, if you are like me!!
quote:
What do I do if he doesn't find anyone to be accountable to or thinks its not necessary? I am not really sure why it is a problem if I ask someone to check in with him?
I disagree with Sarah on this point. Christians are to encourage each other, to discourage each other from sin, to disciple each other, to love each other, to present each other as clean, etc... and your dh doesn't get a choice whether he wants to participate in that aspect of Christ. He should have mature men in his life discipling him whether he is seeking it or not and whether he is aware of what they are doing or not. It doesn't matter how the encouragement to the mature man and your husband to develop a relationship happens, but it needs to happen and should have already been happening from the moment he became a Christian.
To say it all very simply, you have responsibilities as his Wife AND you have responsibilities as his Christian Sister.
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My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 9:54:56 AM
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reach
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Well I can say this, if you are not really reading your bible, you are not connected at church, and you are too tired to do things to help yourself be a better person, then the devil is happy. He has you right where he wants you. Believing in God, but not really doing anything about it.
I think you need to pray and look at changing yourself and being the wife that you should be. You also can't expect that things are going to change overnight.
I can say this. When I got married I imagined that I was getting the certain man. Not because we did not date enough, because we did, but I expected certain things from him, because that was what I needed to feel fulfilled as a woman. The fact is that Yes, my husband can learn to be that person, but why should he have to drastically change who his is to meet my need? Especially when God meets that need. So I pray for him to change, but I don't expect him to change. I married the man I married. I tell him that all the time. I would stay married to him if he never changed. There might be things that I would change, but it does not matter if they never did. And I have to get my identity from God first, and not your husband. So if you need encouragement about the fact that you are doing a good job with the kids, then pray, ask God.
I also try not to get involved in his changing. For instance he goes to counseling (which I bet would do wonders for your husband) and my husband wants me to make a list of things that he needs to change. Well I won't do that. I want God to change him, and I will stand beside him into the man that he becomes. I don't want him to become the man I want him to be, I want him to be the man God wants.
There are so many things that get in the way of a good relationship. There are big things that I am trying to change out our life to make it better. Like we don't pray together. I mean really pray. I hate that. I want him to take the lead, but he says yes, then never follows through. It is not that he does not pray, we just don't do it together. And I think that would make us closer.
I think you and I are in ver similar situations, but opposite. My husband is very kind, and overly wants my approval. My problem is I don't know to do it to meet his need. And that I don't take advantage of him because he is very, very kind. I think I am more like your husband that is busy and wants to go all the time and see everything and is at church all the time. We have something that works for us right now, but if we had kids. it might not work.
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 5:55:09 PM
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nicole6598
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Zippy- Thank you. I get what you are saying. About the consequences thing though. I don't let him have any. I am always the one that goes to him to sort it out to show him love even when he has hurt me because that's what I thought I was meant to do. So what am I meant to do when he is nasty to me? I tell him it wasn't nice etc. But then I think that if we don't resolve it and move on the space between us will get bigger.
I am going to ring my friend and have a chat with her later today about me and see what she thinks about getting together just for dinner or something, not as "counselling" thing, but just for hubby to hang out with another Christian man and have some nice time together. We both have kids so it will be messy, but it would be good to touch base with them I think.
I was telling Jae that yesterday I really felt like I didn't like him. He was being so nasty for no reason whatsoever and I just couldn't cope with it. He was snappy at Nath, Grace and me. We were all having a lovely day together and he was just bringing us down. Grace didn't want to eat her tea, I said that was fine, nothing else will be served to her later. That's usually what we do. Then she wanted a drink of water. I said that was ok. She had been sitting nicely at the table. He went off and snapped and told her she couldn't and if she asked again she would get a smack and sent to her room. I told him that wasn't necessary and asked why she couldn't drink any water. He started saying things wuth swearing in it about what is he here for, I should just go back to mum's etc. Grace whispered she needed a drink and could I get it she was too scared of angry daddy. 
Thanks Reach for sharing. And yes I do need to connect to God again. I do pray and sing worship songs, but its just not the same as when I didn't have the kids or I wasn't married. They are taking all of my attention.
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 6:29:44 PM
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TwinCityGirl
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Hey, Nicole, pardon me for not remembering this detail, but does your husband work nights? Or an odd time of day-night?
I know that throws people off, too. My brother was a real bear when he was working overnights.
I also make sure to tell my husband OFTEN how grateful I am for his hard work for us, and how he provides for us. Sometimes when holding our infant son I talk to our son and say "Dad's going to work now so that we can all have some good food and a place to live. Your dad is so great!" Yeah, it's super corny, but I totally mean it -- and my husband knows that.
My husband is a physical touch kind of person, and with having a baby, that kind of slacked at first due to exhaustion so I had to make a very intentional effort to remember to touch him throughout the day (he works from home), so I make sure to hug him when he comes down for lunch or to use the bathroom on this floor of the house. Make sure to touch him when he walks by me. Give kisses. It does all add up and is a constant reminder to him that I am his WIFE, not just a mom now (and forget the wife part). (No insult meant by the words "just a mom", I am just pointing out I am a wife, too, and a mom....and the wife part is as important as the mom part since I am married.)
Jeanie
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 6:43:51 PM
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nicole6598
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Jeanie he does like 4 nights, then has 4 days off, then does 5 days, 5 days off then goes onto nights again. So it would mess him up, but he was grumpy before that. I don't know how many excuses I can keep making for his behaviour and how much I should let slide...
I do let him know how hard he works, and like you I always tell Grace how hard he works. Every day she asks "why does daddy have to go" or says "Daddy dont go to work" and I tell her that he has important work to do and that daddy's hard work means we have a house food etc. every day!
I have been kissing him and holding his hand and things, all the time. Yesterday I just walked over to him (after he had had a spat) and said "I haven't kissed you today and went and kissed him. Its hard though now because he is smoking at night again at work and I HATE smoke! It makes me sick thinking of him doing it.
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 7:42:23 PM
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nicole6598
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they have a sale on at the moment, should I get the plain boundaries book or the married one?
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 7:59:23 PM
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myka
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Nicole, you are not responsible for your husband's walk with God -- that's the Holy Spirit's job. It is difficult when your spouse is struggling with issues that you can see and to let him struggle with it without taking control. You are only responsible for your own walk with God and your actions/thoughts. We went through a season that was very difficult; other people as well as I could see what was going on, but it was important for dh to struggle and work it out with God for himself.
Ultimately, you are the only one that you really have control or responsibility for, so rather than worrying about him, focus on your 'issues'. I hope that you don't take that the wrong way; I just think that your focus should be on your own walk and issues that you need to work on with God's help and the power of the Spirit.
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/24/2008 11:11:01 PM
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HisCovenant
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The type of consequences I am speaking of still involve you being nice and communicative. One example is that maybe you set some boundries of how he will act around the children or there will be a set consequence, like you will take the children for a walk until he can calm down (or whatever you think is a fair behavior on your part to protect Grace and Nath.)
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/25/2008 12:28:57 AM
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nicole6598
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Thanks Nicole. I get what you meant in that first post up there. I think in a way he does want me to give him a get out of jail free card and that's what I was sort of wondering that maybe he is doing and what my response should be. That's why I have mentioned things about my husband, not to bag him, but to see how others would handle that situation. This thread is for my marriage, that includes me and my husband, so I don't think you were sounding rude or critical. I don't expect or want people to bag him along with me if/when I do it, but to give helpful suggestions of how I could deal with it or even a hug or "that must have been hard" 
Zippy I like that idea you had. Would it be rude to just pick the kids up and move. Would I say something to him first like "let's discuss this later" and then go play with the kids or would I just say "Grace lets go see if we can find a book to read"?
I did the wrong thing last night by saying infront of Grace that smacking her and sending her to her room for not eating tea was harsh but I didn't know what else to do when I was feeding Nath his dinner, Grace was waiting for a parent to tell her what to do and hubby was grumpy. What is something I could of done instead?
I rang my friend and we had a good chat. She said alot of the same things you all of said. Keep being nice and considerate but not be a doormat either. Even if its the next day when I get to speak to him about his behaviour then so be it. but to try and keep the peace as much as I can when the kids are around and until he has had time to cool off. She suggested that her hubby catch up with him again and keep that up so that's good too!
Thanks everybody for your support, advice and encouragement. I really need you all and am so glad that I have you
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/25/2008 10:12:17 AM
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cherish405
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I agree with the others about needing outside counsel.
I also agree that you are his wife and not his doormat.
((((((((((((((((((((((NICOLE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/25/2008 5:58:05 PM
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nicole6598
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Thanks Trish :)
I didn't really see him yesterday as he slept extra long and then I had a friend over for dinner. He just got home now and is heading for bed so we will see how things are later in the afternoon.
I was reading a little of the DNA of relationships that I finally found (I bought it ages ago but didn't read it as I was reading 2 other books) and he was saying in the chapter I read that even if you do all the changing and do everything there is the possibility that the other person may not change. That really got me. I hope that doesn't happen to us. What sort of marriage would that be? It wouldn't even be one!
People have mentioned expectations and I am still confused about it all. Surely there are some things that we can expect of one another as husband and wife. People say "go and get it from God or your friends etc" but that doesn't mean we give up on thinking or praying or whatever for our mate to step up and meet the needs does it?
Maybe you can share what you expect of your husbands, what you think is reasonable??
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/25/2008 7:18:24 PM
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cherish405
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NICOLE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 4:20:50 AM
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nicole6598
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Thanks Nicole and Trish
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 5:56:27 AM
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Flintejae
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I think the bottom line is the fact that both you and your husband see things in the other person that either shuts you down, frustrates you, or makes you feel like you are are 'less than' in some way, shape, or form. You may feel like the perfect wife, companion, friend, or lover - but that simply isn't the truth. Sadly, there is no way for us to know what's shutting your husband down because he isn't here.
When one person takes control of their own life by changing their ungodly habits - whether that be in word or deed - it normally helps because the other spouse becomes attracted to what they see and realize they have a hand in the mess as well.
In changing their ungodly habits they are growing closer to the Lord by reading the word, prayer, and meditation. In that, I believe the other spouse is attracted to those godly changes and then Holy Spirit woes them back to their right standing with the Lord and their spouse.
You aren't happy, Nicole. It may feel like you are unhappy simply because your marriage has problems, but that is not the root problem. The root problem is that you are unable to find your fulfillment from the Lord. You may be struggling feeling like a dry desert in certain areas because you aren't getting your fulfillment from God. That's what you need to look at and change. When you work on that area the rest will work itself out.
That said, I think it's important you discover what healthy boundaries are in a marriage. That book will help you discover where you should draw lines and how you should do it.
I am praying that the Holy Spirit woes you back into a place of right standing within your own personal lives - in whatever areas that are needed.
Love you!
< Message edited by Flintejae -- 9/26/2008 11:27:08 AM >
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Jadon, 3/12/08. Thank You, Lord, for Your Amazing Miracles
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 4:04:53 PM
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HisCovenant
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Good post, Jae. It does my heart good to hear you understanding that!!!
quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
People have mentioned expectations and I am still confused about it all. Surely there are some things that we can expect of one another as husband and wife. People say "go and get it from God or your friends etc" but that doesn't mean we give up on thinking or praying or whatever for our mate to step up and meet the needs does it?
Maybe you can share what you expect of your husbands, what you think is reasonable??
I think you have to be very careful of your expectations for your husband:
1. Your husband isn't perfect, powerful, or in control of anything- just like every other human. God is the only one who can give you security, be perftectly faithful, balance out yout flaws, give you hope, work out all for your good (because you love Him,) etc. It's impossible to truely get these things from your husband or a friend.
2. Your expectation may be some cultural thing that is unreasonable and that he has not agreed to be responsible for, like him putting his used clothing in the dirty clothes hamper. You may be expecting something that is unreasonable, not worth fighting over, or that he doesn't understand. It may have been standard in your childhood home that everyone used the dirty clothes hamper, but in his home maybe it was different. If you expect something, you need to think through why you expect it, how important it is, have you specifically communicated the expectation to him, has he agreed to the expectation, etc.
3. Your husband claims Christ, so you should be expecting him to be growing in Him... but that growth is different for everyone. You can't expect him to be perfect in the area you want growth in. It's up to God to chose how your hubby grows. You can certainly help and pray. As his Christian Sister, you have some responsibility to help him mature into Christ's image, but that has to be done with wisdom and by clinging to the Holy Spirit. That's something that is hard to explain, but you've probably experienced times when you've said something true only to realize that you should not have spoken because God wasn't ready to use that truth in someone's life; It was unwise to speak.
4. The more mature your husband gets, the more you can expect of him because it will be Christ in him. In the end, your fulfillment will come from Christ anyhow, even if dh is the one doing the work.
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 4:10:39 PM
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HisCovenant
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I also wanted to say that these things are hard and that the hardest thing is appling them to your own circumstances. I mean, using wisdom is so subjective and so hard to pin down. That's why clinging to God and knowing Him so well is so important.
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 6:27:00 PM
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nicole6598
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Thanks Zippy that all makes sense. I will be praying about it and thinking through things more. And thanks for encouraging me to seek God on it. Now I just have to get into His Word more!!
Jae- thanks for what you wrote. All good reminders of what I need to be doing. Reading the Word is the main one, praying is done every day, its more the getting back to God's word, but I also think having some time out to just have fun and not think about everything so much all the time and get me down and frustrated. I need to do things for me to. I don't do anything, everything is about my husband and my kids. I think I need to do some self- care (I read that in the DNA book  Thanks Sarah for reccommending that book!!). And what you said about feeling dry, yes I am feeling that way, which of course doesn't help all relationships does it? I have been reading the DNA book and it is making sense, so I might read that one first and if I need more I will get the boundaries book.
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RE: Nicole's happily ever after encouragment and suppor... - 9/26/2008 6:48:24 PM
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HisCovenant
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I know I've shared this with you before, but getting into the Bible and really learning God in relationship by hearing directly from His Word has totally changed me. I have see what He expects in different situations, what He is most concerned about, what Holiness really means, why He reprimanded those doing "good," why He chose to not punish those doing "bad" for a time, etc. Understanding Him totally changes what I believe and how I obey. I can't encourage you enough to get into the Word for the purpose of relationship with God. It will change you and your attitude. It'll make your good attitudes better and clean up any stinky attitudes you have. Knowing God more is life changing.
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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