Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (Full Version)

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imit8him -> Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/3/2008 7:08:14 PM)

Hey everyone,

I've been curious....

As someone who seems to notice other people's faults very quickly and easily and as someone who's been highly criticized and judged - often without enough sympathy - by my parents growing up, how do you tell the difference between this trait between being overly judgmental and proud versus havingn good discernment of character of others? ...(Man, ht'ats a super run-on sentence! [sm=icon_smile_boggled.gif])

It's something that's popped into my mind recently when considering how i notice these things when meetnig new people. I immediately notice people's inadequacies, even when they are very well put together. It's not as though I'm even well put together myself, because I'm far from it many times. ...But for whatever reason, I seem to have a quick analytical skill to judge somenoe's weaknesses and am slow to see their positives. That can be bad right? Anyone else have this issue?

-Imit [:)]



deermousie -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/3/2008 7:34:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imit8him
It's something that's popped into my mind recently when considering how i notice these things when meetnig new people. I immediately notice people's inadequacies, even when they are very well put together. It's not as though I'm even well put together myself, because I'm far from it many times. ...But for whatever reason, I seem to have a quick analytical skill to judge somenoe's weaknesses and am slow to see their positives. That can be bad right? Anyone else have this issue?
-Imit [:)]


I can't answer all of this (so I'm looking forward to others' responses - I'll learn something, too!) but can comment on noticing others' inadequacies: what is your emotional response to finding out? Is it anger, pride or pity? The first two may indicate you're comparing yourself with them (not edifying) but the later may indicate that you are seeing them more like God sees them.

We're all a bunch of losers. Sinners. Thrashing around helplessly. God pitied us and did something to rescue us. We can be like Him when we pity others and take steps to help them. Sometimes the only thing we can do it pray for them, but a smile helps, too. A kind word. Anything that might indicate you're on their side and at their back. 1 Pet. 1:22 says we are to fervently love the brethren, which has got to be the hardest job in Scripture: we are unlovely. But God loves us, and works in us to make us more like Jesus (Rom. 8:28,29). And we desperately need each other's love.

God bless you and use your discernment to build up the body of Christ!



Sadey -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/3/2008 9:02:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imit8him

Hey everyone,
I immediately notice people's inadequacies, even when they are very well put together. It's not as though I'm even well put together myself, because I'm far from it many times. ...But for whatever reason, I seem to have a quick analytical skill to judge somenoe's weaknesses and am slow to see their positives.

What a burden that must be to meet someone new and instead of visting and enjoying meeting someone new, you find their weaknesses?
I'm just asking because does it stop you from forming friendships? Are you ever wrong or do you hang around long enough to find out?
Does doing this make you feel better about yourself as in, well I'm not so bad look at him? (I've sure been guilty of that[8|]
Since you said your folks highly critizied you and judged you do you think there is a connection?
Are you sure this is discernment?
Boy I'm just full of questions aren't I but it sounds like you don't particularly like being this way?



SuccessinTruth -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/3/2008 9:22:30 PM)

Amen to deermousie! If your analysis is true, then it can be used in a powerful way to uplift and edify those around you. Just remember to always be compassionate and empathetic because they are all just as perfect as you and I.



risingangel -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/3/2008 9:53:43 PM)

I will admit that I need to work on being a better Christian, but at the same time, I tend to notice things in others that remind me of why i was Agnostic for so long (like noticing how others fall to using racial slurs - not saying they are not believers, but with all of the racism rampant in the South, some of the bad habits hold on a little too tightly).



car2ner -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 7:07:33 AM)

I find that non-christians can be just, if not more harsh when making snap judgments about others. We all make judgments when we see strangers. It is a protective measure. (should I walk on the other side of the street? Does this person need my help? Should I chat with or avoid this person, etc.) I would hope that someone grows in the Lord, they temper that tendency with the Golden Rule....treating others like they would like to be treated.

I find the racial slurs in the south go both ways, and I hate getting glares from "the other side" when they know nothing about me other than my skin color. Clothing says something about us but even that is not a solid indicator of character.



bluestone -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 9:41:41 AM)

When we begin to judge people's character or spirituality by their appearance, politics, wealth or lack thereof, or taste in music, we ruin our relationships with people and can cause them much pain.

I can not count the number of excellent job candidates my former employer turned down because they were not "hot" enough.[8|] He preferred someone with much less skill who was "easy on the eyes" to someone who was not a Barbie Doll, but was excellent in their work.

I have a friend who is obese. She was not included in a women's Bible study at her church. When she showed interest in being in the study, she was told it was a BIBLE STUDY FOR PHYSICALLY FIT WOMEN[8|]

Being critical and nitpicky will cost you relationships with truly wonderful people, and the finger you point at others may be indicative of severa fingers pointing back at you.

You have to decide to STOP. When you mind starts working up a check list, STOP. Think about something else. Don't dwell on other's inadequecies. You have to retrain your brain.



deermousie -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 12:23:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluestone

When she showed interest in being in the study, she was told it was a BIBLE STUDY FOR PHYSICALLY FIT WOMEN[8|]


Imagine if Jesus was willing to heal only healthy people...



imit8him -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 1:00:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

I can't answer all of this (so I'm looking forward to others' responses - I'll learn something, too!) but can comment on noticing others' inadequacies: what is your emotional response to finding out? Is it anger, pride or pity? The first two may indicate you're comparing yourself with them (not edifying) but the later may indicate that you are seeing them more like God sees them.

We're all a bunch of losers. Sinners. Thrashing around helplessly. God pitied us and did something to rescue us. We can be like Him when we pity others and take steps to help them. Sometimes the only thing we can do it pray for them, but a smile helps, too. A kind word. Anything that might indicate you're on their side and at their back. 1 Pet. 1:22 says we are to fervently love the brethren, which has got to be the hardest job in Scripture: we are unlovely. But God loves us, and works in us to make us more like Jesus (Rom. 8:28,29). And we desperately need each other's love.

God bless you and use your discernment to build up the body of Christ!


Thanks DM, [:)]

I've always appreciate dyour spiritual insight on these boards. I feel you are good at explaining things with truth and love.

In terms of my first reaction to noticing people's faults, I think it varies, but it is usually one of disgust more so than pity and grace-filled. That disgust is sometimes fueled by pride. [sm=icon_smile_sad.gif] ...I really wonder about it. Using a pop-psychology approach, people might say that I am critical of others because I was criticized by my parents and did not learn to show love and see love. That may be part of it yes, but there is also a part that is spiritual sin that everyone can have.....I think that part may be what you said...comparing myself to someonelse and thinking myself better and looking down on them with pride and then feeling disgusted or angry. It's something I could use prayer on. I've talked about it with people in the past and I do realize it's an issue I have and need spiritual help with.

One thing this reminds me of is that when I had a rash on my arm last year and went to my doctor, I pulled up my sleeve and the doctor was very very caring and used warm words and tone to describe what I had and how to treat it. She then proceeded to touch me where the rash was and I immediately pulled my arm back saying "Wait, isn't this contagious?...You almost touched me." ...She smiled and said, "No, ezcema is not contagious. It's an allergic skin reaction people have and can be treated with a cream and is usually seasonal. It's ok." ...She then proceeded to touch the parts where she thought it was spreading and to explain where I should apply the creams to.

I remember leaving that I was suprised by how caring that doctor was. She knew I had this rash and was not disgusted by the sight of it (as I myself was) and then proceeded to lovingly help me. I've had doctors in the past who would show signs of disinterest or seem reserved with things like that, but this doctor was not. I even thought that I'd never be able to be a medical doctor myself, because I get too grossed out with physical body parts and diseases, etc. I would probably want to run far away from the sight of a cut or STD, etc. Yet, the most caring doctors are not judgmental in a way that blames you for your ailment and look at you with disgust....Instead, they want to do all to help you.

I found that that appolied to how we should see sinners. Not with disgust, but with love and grace and pity as you mentioned. I'm glad you reminded me to refocus my vision on how God (the "Great Physician" as Luke called Him if I remember correctly) sees us and how we ought ot carry His heart in ours when looking at other people's sins.

-Imit [sm=icon_smile_super.gif]



delete123 -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 1:22:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imit8him

Hey everyone,

I've been curious....

As someone who seems to notice other people's faults very quickly and easily and as someone who's been highly criticized and judged -
...But for whatever reason, I seem to have a quick analytical skill to judge somenoe's weaknesses and am slow to see their positives. Anyone else have this issue?
-Imit [:)]


Imit~
I went through this and I believe it is because we become angry, because people are constantly seeing *our faults* instead of *our positives.*

It's the story of pushing the plank in a brother's eye before seeing their own.

I actually had a well intention Christian woman, who knew me less than a week, tell me that #1 I was not saved because I was not reading the same bible as she preferred. #2 I was not in God's will because I did not have an extra $5.00 to have lunch with her, #3 according to her I was not living my life for Jesus Christ. #4 I was not loving and living in sin because I had gone out with a man who was going through a divorce. (In her eyes, love on my part would have been to pray that God reunite him with his wife.) She became the Judge and jury that had me condemned!

She never took the time to "See" me, just the faults that she perceived. Believe me it left a thorn and a sting of pain deep within, BUT I had to trust in God, My Redeemer to help me overcome that nasty/ bad seed that was trying to grow in my heart.
I will be the 1st to tell you it wasn't easy, but it becomes a case of talking the focus of your own feelings and hurts, allowing God to weed your garden as someone nicely put. (HelloChurch I believe in general faith).
Remember that we all fall short including the one who continues to fault you. Make a forgiveness list and on the first day pray for each individual and then what I do after that is: Ask God to forgive those on my forgiveness list.
Allow the Lord to show you how He sees you, which is worthy, loving and His child. Allow Him to wash your feet and serve Him with a grateful heart
Will pray for you
CRH



imit8him -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 1:33:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crh737

Imit~
I went through this and I believe it is because we become angry, because people are constantly seeing *our faults* instead of *our positives.*

It's the story of pushing the plank in a brother's eye before seeing their own.



Hey, Hey hey!!! How's it going CRH?

How is your mom doing? I still remember your past post about her.

How are things? If you don't mind my asking?

-Imit [:)]



delete123 -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 5:13:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imit8him
Hey, Hey hey!!! How's it going CRH?

How is your mom doing? I still remember your past post about her.

How are things? If you don't mind my asking?

-Imit [:)]


Oh the Queen of Mean is still practicing her usual nasty self! Lol!
She yelled when I told her I was getting married, refused the opportunity to come and participate.
Got emotional and upset when I told her we were moving, so when I called to let her know we made it and are fine, as usual she blew me off.

Only wanted to talk to my son, who in turn blew her off! Rotfl [:D] I know I shouldn't delight in it, but I couldn't help myself.
You would think a bed ridden woman would be more understanding, but instead can spew her venom.
Other than that things are looking up and am sooooo grateful for the Lord's blessings. He has been sooo good to us and we are now trying to settle into our new home in the South. Not sure how I will fare, but hey everyday can be an adventure. I think
BTW: Thanx for asking
CRH [:)]



preserved -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/4/2008 5:48:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluestone

When we begin to judge people's character or spirituality by their appearance, politics, wealth or lack thereof, or taste in music, we ruin our relationships with people and can cause them much pain.

I can not count the number of excellent job candidates my former employer turned down because they were not "hot" enough.[8|] He preferred someone with much less skill who was "easy on the eyes" to someone who was not a Barbie Doll, but was excellent in their work.

I have a friend who is obese. She was not included in a women's Bible study at her church. When she showed interest in being in the study, she was told it was a BIBLE STUDY FOR PHYSICALLY FIT WOMEN[8|]

Being critical and nitpicky will cost you relationships with truly wonderful people, and the finger you point at others may be indicative of severa fingers pointing back at you.

You have to decide to STOP. When you mind starts working up a check list, STOP. Think about something else. Don't dwell on other's inadequecies. You have to retrain your brain.


Good point...Those who quickly judge and analyize others will have very few friends...All of us are made differently and we certainly can all learn something from each other...



Onecontent -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/6/2008 6:55:32 PM)

What do you do with these judgements?

I am discerning and have made amazingly accurate judgements about people with little or no evidence that have turned out to be right. I have also seen others do this.

My father's co-worker tried to introduce me to a new employee who he thought would be perfect for me. Before I got within 20 feet of the guy he hit a 20 out of 10 on my jerk-o-meter. I would not even speak to him. Three months later the guy was fired for sexual misconduct.

I volunteered in my dad's office for one day and recommended that he get rid of one of his employees for laziness. Six months later he was let go after they found a humungous backlog. I had no access to the area where the backlog was found.

I watched a new Christian, formerly drugged addicted and bisexual, tell off a well dressed, well mannered, man for coming to church to prey on the women the second Sunday the well dressed guy came to the church. Turns out well dressed man was a player who had a wife and three kids. One of my friends looked at the guy, saw the type of car he drove, and knew he was lying about his marital status.

At my present job I discerned that staff were making more medication errors than usual because of they were mistakes in writng phone numbers.

I have a former friend that I had told on four different occasions that people were out to get him professionally because of seemingly inconsequential things. Each time these people eventually tried to shut down his business. One time I told him to watch out because I could not click on an internet description of what was happening in a committee. I told my friend that the people were planning to change policies that would eventually cause his business harm. I was told that I judgemental and wrong. At the end ot the year he was given a week's notice that he was losing his biggest contract because of policy changes made in that committee.

Often noticing faults in others is nothing but prideful fault finding. In such situations we have to control ourselves and chose to love people anyhow. We have to choose kindness and giving people the benefit of the doubt. More often than not, I am wrong in my judgements about people. Generally the flaws are not all that serious. Covering said flaws in love and keping my mouth shut allows me not to be embarrassed when I am wrong in my judgements.

There are also times when a spirit of "judgement" is actually a spirit of discernment. God may be sending you warnings. I find that God's warnings usually benefit other people that the one doing the supposed judging.

Pray that Our Lord will give you the discernment to know when those small flaws are actually the tip of an iceberg. Pray that He will let you know what to do about what you discern.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/7/2008 1:42:22 AM)

I seem to notice that in scripture discernment is relied upon for distinguishing whether a person's motives/intentions are good or bad... examples: King Solomon discerned which woman was the mother of the baby that was living... David discerned he could trust King Saul's son - Jonathon with his life.

I think all gifts and or skills can be an asset or liability(depends upon how it's used.)
I certainly hope we as Christians are striving to use our skills/gifts in ways that bring honor to our Lord.



Sadey -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/7/2008 6:33:22 AM)

I reread your first post, and you said "and slow to see the positive."

I don't know much about the gift of discernment but wouldn't it cover the positive too? I'm really interested in everyones thoughts on this.



savedbylove112 -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/15/2008 10:47:22 AM)

Hey there imit8him--

As an editor by profession, I couldn't help but be drawn to your post--I'm sure I have the same "gift" you do! In my current line of work, it's a blessing [;)], but when it comes to people, I confess I do too much "editing"! I'm glad I ran across your post, because I'm going through a particularly rough patch with my mom (who I live with [:'(]), and as I go back and re-read my posts, I see myself trying to "edit" Mom to fit what I feel should be a "Christian norm"--while I think I'm being "discerning" and I believe I'm trying to help her, but knowing her the way I do, I should know better than to try to "fix" her, especially when it comes to spiritual things.

I'll offer you some advice that I've been offered and still need to practice more--whenever I see myself noticing faults in others, I must ask the LORD for forgiveness and for His eyes to see their good points as well and to try to build others up in love--I admit I don't always follow that advice, but it's still good! I have to remember that I'm far from perfect, and that the Father sees all my faults and failures, but loves me ANYWAY. When I find that another person's faults are getting in the way of my Christian love for them, I need to kneel before the Throne more and get more into His presence, so that He can work on me more.

One of my favorite devotionals from the "Our Daily Bread" series is taken from the story in John 21: 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
20 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" 22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

Basically, the LORD says to me, "Follow Me" and I look around and say "LORD, what about my Mom? What about my co-workers? What about so-and-so?" And the LORD says to me, "What about them? I told YOU to follow Me. Don't worry about them."

I need to get my eyes off of others and onto HIM more. [:o]



evryknee -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/16/2008 3:24:12 PM)

There's a story of a man who went to the pastor and said, "Pastor, I've discovered my gift and talent!" "What's that?" the pastor asked. "The man replied, "It's the gift of criticism. I can see other people's faults and let them know about them." The Pastor thought for a moment and said, "Well then, I suggest you go and do what the man in the Bible did with his one talent. Bury it."

quote:

It's the story of pushing the plank in a brother's eye before seeing their own.


I think this is key. We are judgemental when we look down on others and focus on their sins. Jesus leveled the playing field when he spoke about one who has anger in the heart is as guilty as one who committed murder, etc. When we are able to look at others and see their sins, and know that we are just as guilty as they are, then I think we are being humble and discerning. If we cannot see the same in us (perhaps the same sin in our hearts manifested in different ways), then we are being judgmental and prideful.



imit8him -> RE: Noticing Other People's Faults (Discernment or Judgmental?) (9/21/2008 10:29:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: delete123

quote:

ORIGINAL: imit8him
Hey, Hey hey!!! How's it going CRH?

How is your mom doing? I still remember your past post about her.

How are things? If you don't mind my asking?

-Imit [:)]


Oh the Queen of Mean is still practicing her usual nasty self! Lol!
She yelled when I told her I was getting married, refused the opportunity to come and participate.
Got emotional and upset when I told her we were moving, so when I called to let her know we made it and are fine, as usual she blew me off.

Only wanted to talk to my son, who in turn blew her off! Rotfl [:D] I know I shouldn't delight in it, but I couldn't help myself.
You would think a bed ridden woman would be more understanding, but instead can spew her venom.
Other than that things are looking up and am sooooo grateful for the Lord's blessings. He has been sooo good to us and we are now trying to settle into our new home in the South. Not sure how I will fare, but hey everyday can be an adventure. I think
BTW: Thanx for asking
CRH [:)]


Awww, I'm sorry to hear. [sm=crystreams.gif]

I just felt very sad when I read about your relatinship with your mom last time. It reminded me a lot about my own mother too. I was hoping for a positive over time, but will continue to pray for you.

I was saddened to hear things are still difficult and that she is being "mean." [sm=icon_smile_sleepy.gif] Was the meanness related to her frustrations wtih illness?...I still applaud you for doing what you can and honoring her, despite her reactions. I pray God keeps your heart from becoming cold or hardened in anyway no matter what challenges come your way in your relationshi with your mom. It can be a long road sometimes to changing a person's heart, but that is the most important part of a human. I pray God works in my mom's heart as well, because she has a lot of issues too.

I'm glad to hear you are moving and getting married and things are positive! You have a new CW name too, hehe. Very interesting. [:)]



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