Request for advice. (Full Version)

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Hungry4info -> Request for advice. (8/28/2008 8:06:50 PM)

Hello brothers and sisters in Christ. I am an 18-year old Senior in school at the moment, and live with my parents.

In December of last year, a Christian friend and I fell in love and both of us prayed to God about what to do about it. We wanted to ensure it was okay with Him if we enter into a relationship. After a month of prayer, our answer came, and her and I began our relationship. For the past eight months, we have continually sought God for continuing guidance, and leadership in our relationship. We both hold Him first in our lives, and in our relationship, and are very committed to serving Him.

Before our relationship began, she invited me to go to her church. Until then, I was unable to arrange transportation to church, but the youth minister at Point Baptist Church is of a kind heart and picks us up. Since our relationship began, I have grown considerably, spiritually, and my girlfriend and I support each other and encourage each other through scripture and prayer. I have absolutely no doubt that our relationship is Godly.

However there are those who do not see it as such. Primarily, my mother. She arranged a two-month separation between us over the summer inbetween school years, and tried to deceive me about my girlfriend, trying to convince me that she is, for lack of better terminology, morally "loose". My mother then forced me to discontinue going to Point Baptist Church for those two months. I was told that once the school year began, I could resume contact with my girlfriend and return to church. Summer has ended, and school has begun, yet my mother still grasps on to trying to force the two of us apart. She has told me that I am still not allowed to go to First Baptist Church.

So I am asking, what are my options? I know that the Bible says to honour one's parents. I've heard that as a child, this is to obey their instructions, but as one gets older, it means to treat them with respect and kindness. Scripturally speaking, does my mother have the right to tell me where to go to church or who to be in a relationship with? My mother claims to be Christian as well, and so I know that she holds biblical principles true.

So are there any scriptures that could apply to this situation?
What can I do?

I thank you all in advance.



pbaribeault -> RE: Request for advice. (8/28/2008 8:33:39 PM)

At your age, this kind of stuff is a great big gray area. Which is really troublesome when you are in pain and only want to do the right thing.

First, I think your mom is trying to exert an unreasonable amount of control over a child who is pretty much an adult. I don't think that 18 is a proper time for a parent to be forbidding reasonable actions, even though you are still in school and still dependent on your parents. So, I don't think what she is doing is right.

But she is doing it, so the question is what are you to do about it...

My answer is that you should consider the girl and the Church as separate issues.

Regarding Church, is she forbidding you to go to Church at all or just to go to that particular Church? Or is it effectively the same, since you are not able to get to any other Church? Is there a reason, other than the girl and the ride why you feel a strong desire to go to your preferred Church?

What I'm getting at there is that you should be flexible enough to manage to go to another Church, in order to honour your mother... unless there is a very real reason not to. However, if she doesn't want you at Church at all, you should obey the God before 'men' and defy her as necessary (in a calm mature way) to get to a congregation to worship.

Regarding the girl, I would say that you should allow your parents to continue to set limits over you social behaviour in general, and apply those rules to your girl -- if they say you may not date, then don't, but if they say you may date, just not her... I guess that amounts to the same thing. Discuss your heart out though, and try to help them see that you need to trust your own judgment.

However, they can't make decisions about who you are 'in a relationship with'. You can have a girlfriend and build your relationship with her on your own time, write her letters, make phone calls and hang out at school (presuming you go to the same school), choose the same extra curricular activities etc. These things are not something a parent of a young man can or should control. In order for this to work though, you need to be honest with them if they ask about what kind of contact you have with her. You need to be able to calmly tell them that you will obey them in your actions, but that your thoughts, feelings, conversations and writing are something you do not intend to allow them to control.

This is all just opinion, but it's how I would sort out your particular 'gray' areas.

Hope it helps.



Hungry4info -> RE: Request for advice. (8/28/2008 8:45:40 PM)

Thank-you for your reply =)

You asked

quote:


Regarding Church, is she forbidding you to go to Church at all or just to go to that particular Church? Or is it effectively the same, since you are not able to get to any other Church?


Indeed, I do consider the church and the girl separate issues. I feel a strong desire to go to my preferred church because I know the people there, I am friends with, and trust the youth minister and pastor, It is essentially the church where I feel I belong, and I have grown spiritually there. I have told my mother many times before that I attend church to worship God, and not to visit with friends.

Yes, I am trying to get my mother to take me to another church, I have yet to see the fruits of that endeavour.

quote:

You need to be able to calmly tell them that you will obey them in your actions, but that your thoughts, feelings, conversations and writing are something you do not intend to allow them to control.
I have been completely honest with my parents.



deermousie -> RE: Request for advice. (8/28/2008 8:58:24 PM)

Blessings on you, Hungry4info. Good for you for asking.

The law says you can smoke and vote at 18, but your living circumstances are such that your parents provide you with a home, clothing, food, and pay all your bills. You aren't self-supporting yet, although that time will soon come. If you are planning a college education, add another four years to that.

The word in Hebrew "to honor" means to give serious consideration. If I were you, I'd give serious consideration to your mother who has been looking out for your best for 19 years (I'm counting gestation as a year - it feels like it! [:D]). She is alarmed and you will heed that if you are wise. There's a reason for her alarm; sit down and talk to her and gain from her experience, wisdom and God's leading in her life.

If I were your mother, I'd be worried about a dependent son still in high school who is in a serious relationship that sounds close to courting but he isn't ready to marry. The hormones are flowing blah blah blah... you've heard it all before. You are in an 8 month relationship but you aren't ready to marry and support a wife and children with a career. How long do think you can keep your relationship from driving you both crazy, not being able to go on? You decided to start this relationship without getting your parents wise advice and approval. Not a good idea. You're getting dressed up with no place to go. When I see people court, they do so for 2-3 months and either break up or start planning a wedding in a few months. Long relationships are not ideal or easy.

Our bodies are not built for celibacy. God meant for us to kind of "sleep" and not rouse our passions until we marry - see Song of Solomon about that. That's more difficult for a young man but do-able. You should not be touching this girl (1 cor. 7:1,2) or arousing passion either in her or yourself because you aren't married. I'm not saying you are or even deliberately are, but hey, I was dating at 18 and I remember. Do you touch her? God says it isn't good.

If your mom says no to the relationship (is your dad in agreement?) then I would tell your gf it's not God's will right now (because with your parents being against this, and God using your parents to guide you, it most likely isn't God's will for you to be in relationship with this girl) and put the relationship on ice for a few years if she's willing to do that. Yeah, a few years. That's not a typo. Love can always wait. Jacob waited 7 years for his Rachel, and it says it went fast because he loved her. Then you can see if you still want each other later. And in God's will, when you are finished with your education and are ready for/needing a wife, you could ride up on your white charger, sweep her off her feet (she's waited so long), and carry her off to a white wedding.


OK, that sounds corny, but you could do this with your parents' blessing most likely, and marry in God's will. And it would be fun at the end. You'd be mature and financially ready, she'd be ready, you wouldn't have compromised your walk with God, her walk with God, or your parents guidance. What could be better?

Knowing what I know now, if I were to live my life over I'd avoid romantic entanglements and just get on with my life and education and wait for my white knight to show up.

You can learn from us older people, because some of us blew it and have lived with the regret the rest of our lives. Wait for the right timing and God's will. No good thing does He withhold from him who walks uprightly (Ps. 84:11). God bless you and her and your parents. You won't regret waiting.



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