RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 3:11:46 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3123
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
What are some verses about avoiding temptation? I can look it up, but if you guys know some real strong versus that I can recite that would be great. That's my biggest problem. My son just went back to school, I'm in a new town with limited friends and I'm an extravert. Which means, I like people around me. Temptation - key word! That's what I need to work on. Loving me and being alone and God says "be patient". The hardest thing to do is be patient and stand still and be discerning!
41 "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." -Matthew 26
"12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. 14 Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry." -I Coritnthians 10
12 "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. " -James 1
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 3:22:24 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4252
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
I'm not finding it hard to stay away for the most part, but I do enjoy intelligent conversation and he does still come to the house on occasion to discuss lifes events, my new job, and our mutual friends. We enjoy dinner together and friendship. There is no more intimacy and no regular phone calls.
This is actually quite intimate - maybe not sexually, but certainly emotionally.
quote:
In my spiritual journey I know this could be a conflict. I enjoy our friendship and we share so many wonderful conversations about his life and mine. Is it wrong because we had a physical affair for this not to still go on.
Do I still have to give it up? He's been my friend and vice versa. Is it wrong at this point?
I would say that you should not continue in any kind of relationship with this man. The only aspect missing from what you have now is sex. And while sex is important, your relationship still sounds like a marriage, so I would say for yourself, His wife and His accountability ...
you should walk away - you owe it to yourself and your God to do so.
And, yes I get how hard it is, but the fact it is so hard should be convicting to you of the importance of doing so.
Get a hobby, join a social group, meet others at your church - iow, circle the spiritual wagons to avoid falling into the temptation.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 3:29:37 PM
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URForgiven
Posts: 1081
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
What are some verses about avoiding temptation? I can look it up, but if you guys know some real strong versus that I can recite that would be great. That's my biggest problem. My son just went back to school, I'm in a new town with limited friends and I'm an extravert. Which means, I like people around me. Temptation - key word! That's what I need to work on. Loving me and being alone and God says "be patient". The hardest thing to do is be patient and stand still and be discerning!
Galatians 5:16
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature."
Bless you, nuinchrist.
Peace
_____________________________
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit,
are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 3:33:36 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
Joined: 2/25/2008
From: United States of America
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
What are some verses about avoiding temptation? I can look it up, but if you guys know some real strong versus that I can recite that would be great. That's my biggest problem. My son just went back to school, I'm in a new town with limited friends and I'm an extravert. Which means, I like people around me. Temptation - key word! That's what I need to work on. Loving me and being alone and God says "be patient". The hardest thing to do is be patient and stand still and be discerning!
Flee temptation, and avoid the appearance of evil.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:10:09 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
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Hi Nu -
My husband had an affair with a coworker - it began as a friendship. There is a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that could really help you. It is written to all 3 individuals involved in an affair - very enlightening. It may help you maintain your decision of no contact.
Best,
Alegra
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:14:55 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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Alegra,
Thanks for sharing. Did you mend things with your husband? Do you harbor ill feelings for the other women? I'm committed to nc. Pray for me.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:20:06 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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He didn't reply to my email and I'm sure he will not. He's the type of person that will wait it out, until I cave. I'm not going to cave. I've tried this once before and it only lasted 5 days. I'm committed to this and thank everyone for their support and encouragement. I will update you and share my feelings and seek support. I hope you guys don't get tired of me.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:32:46 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3123
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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Yes, please keep us posted and no, we won't get tired of you. We are here for you.
Be strong in the power of God's might.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:47:39 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
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Hi -
yes, my husband and I are working on mending things - it's tough work. It's compounded by the fact that he still works with her. We are both teachers (as is she) so he is able to limit contact - teaching is one of those professions where you can pick and choose who you interact with - in terms of other teachers. He is in counseling and working through his issues, I still go once in awhile. Soon we'll start couples counseling.
I do have a difficult time with the other woman. I'm working on it, but it is hard. I know it's not her fault per se, but she knew all along that he is married. They are both culpable.
I guess maybe a good place for you to start the healing process is to think about why you would want to have a relationship with a man that is already taken. I can understand being attracted to someone because of who they are (married or not), but certainly there must be a reason why you would enter into a relationship with someone that cannot fully return the same level of committment. What is it that is appealing to you about that sort of relationship? You don't need to answer those things here, but I think you might want to answer them for yourself.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 4:55:56 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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Alegra,
It was stupid and selfish. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her. It took awhile to go into this relationship and I'm giving him some blame too. He put the pressure on ever so slightly and I was flattered. Lonely, recently seperated for my husband, blah blah blah!! No excuse, but it was easy to lack good judgement when everything in my life was upside down. Now, it's becoming right side up and I'm participating in my recovery.
God bless your marriage and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully, the bond will be even stronger.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 5:02:16 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
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It's strange, ya know, I've been convicted lately about forgiving her. I think I've been able to forgive my husband because I see the remorse and embarrassment and horror he has displayed because of his decision. I don't see hers though and that makes it difficult. I know I am commanded to forgive and that certainly is something I'm practicing - it's just hard. Yet we aren't commanded to forgive WHEN we see the remorse, or WHEN he/she asks for it - we are commanded to forgive - period. Tough stuff. I'll be praying for you!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 5:59:48 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1026
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I'm waiting to read the post that says "I've just called my phone company and had his number(s) blocked." and the one that says "My email account is now closed."
Nothing stops you from getting those two things done in the next 20 minutes.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 7:13:59 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6016
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
My son just went back to school
You're a mom? Oh nuiinchrist, please stay strong not just for your own sake but for your son's sake.
How old is he? What happened to his dad (if it's ok to ask)?
Do you have any family? (parents, siblings, other relatives)
quote:
I'm in a new town with limited friends and I'm an extravert. Which means, I like people around me.
It might be worth having a closer look at that. Is it because you truly do just like having people around you - or could it because it helps you avoid facing painful issues in your own life, perhaps to do with self-esteem?
If I'm totally off-base there, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help just wondering, and felt I should ask.
(Btw I was once in a situation myself of having to walk away from a friendship that was not wholesome; I won't go into detail, but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you as you try to do the right thing)
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/28/2008 8:01:23 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
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While you feel you cannot confront his wife and confess to your affair with her husband, how about writing a letter to her and keeping the letter as a reminder of what you shouldn't do.
Also, one day you may feel strong enough to send her the letter.
How in the heck could you have been to their house, had dinner with her and keep the "affair" a secret....if you are brave enough to do all that, then IMO you can confess the affair with her husband.
I do agree that one day, he will find another to cheat with and his wife should be aware of what has/is happening.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 4:49:38 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1760
Joined: 5/23/2006
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In this situation I think it is up to you to save yourself and flee from this man, but I do not think it is your responsibility to speak to his wife. He is responsible for his marriage. I think the greater distance you can put between him and yourself the happier you will be. I would not suggest going to his house, communicating with anyone in his family for any reason.
Take your burdens to the Lord and leave them there.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 7:03:57 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6016
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
It took awhile to go into this relationship and I'm giving him some blame too. He put the pressure on ever so slightly and I was flattered. Lonely, recently seperated for my husband, blah blah blah!! No excuse, but it was easy to lack good judgement when everything in my life was upside down. Now, it's becoming right side up and I'm participating in my recovery.
I only just read this part of an earlier post of yours - sorry, I didn't notice it before (hence my questions).
Are things with your husband definitely beyond repair? Are you divorced now?
Please give yourself time to grieve and heal.
This man took advantage of you when you were low. I know you are fond of him but that's exactly what he did. He saw that you were in a difficult place and exploited you. Please don't let him continue to do this to you.
I'd suggest you seek some counselling for yourself by a trained and qualified professional, concerning your issues over your marriage breakdown, so that you can look at things in a "safe" environment, and be able to deal with your "baggage" yourself.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 8:39:58 AM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
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Manda,
My son is 20 and his dad is absent. He's in his 2.5 years of college. I'm thrilled at that, but I'm quite lonley. I'm not divorced yet, but I have been legally seperated from husband for 1.5 years. He lives in another state and the relationship is not repairable. I'm currently in the divorce stage now. I do have family in a different state. That's what I'm going to do this weekend, visit them. I have many sibblings and a host of nieces and nephews. I will be very busy this weekend.
Alega, Just curious??
Why is it so easy to forgive the husband when its his marriage that he jeopardized, the other women have an obligation to stay away from a married man, but its his marriage, his family, his committment. I always wondered why it's so easy for the wife to forgive. Part of that answer I guess is to perserve the family. The other women certainly is wrong, but he lives with his family everyday. Just curious??
MCJ4C,
The affair started after meeting her and socializing with the family. No excuse, but that's what happened.
Last night went by without many tears. I talked to a church member and it felt good. My church doesn't know what's going on and I'm not quite ready to confess. I need to be a little stronger. Only my sister and 1-2 friends know what's going on. I'm usually the strong one, so no one has confronted me on my decision to have an affair. They rearly do confront me, so it's been extra hard without the accountability. I'm ok today and looking forward to the weekend.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 8:52:27 AM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
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Buckfin,
I completely agree. All of you have given me such great advice and hope for a better future in Christ.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 11:23:52 AM
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ChelaW
Posts: 115
Joined: 7/30/2008
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Nuinchrist,
I must say, I just now read this entire thread, start to finish. And I first, I was almost angry with you, maybe even judging you.
But I'm so proud of you now! I've "watched" you go from rationalizing the situation to making a decision of change to actually making the change. Good for you! You're on the right track, and believe me, the Glory of God will shine through in this situation. Oh, the testimony you'll have when you're completely healed & delivered!!
I don't have much advice, but I really would like to read that you first block his emails/phone numbers, then delete all of his contact information so that you can't contact him should you get weak. Close the door and lock it on BOTH sides! You may also want to get into Christian counseling for extra support.
Good luck, and God bless you!!
ChelaW
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 1:38:53 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
Alega, Just curious??
Why is it so easy to forgive the husband when its his marriage that he jeopardized, the other women have an obligation to stay away from a married man, but its his marriage, his family, his committment. I always wondered why it's so easy for the wife to forgive. Part of that answer I guess is to perserve the family. The other women certainly is wrong, but he lives with his family everyday. Just curious??
Hi - it wasn't at all easy to forgive my husband. It's been two years and tons of counseling. We both made the conscious decision to stay in this marriage - we were both close to just throwing in the towel. In order to begin again, forgiveness is necessary. And it was necessary from both of us - I had contributed to the problems in my marriage (not that any problem warrants adultery - there isn't one that could justify it) and he needed to forgive me too. It is more difficult to forgive her partly because I don't know her. I don't even know what she looks like. In some respects she's an "idea" more than a person.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hold her more responsible or less responsible for the affair. My husband would say that he is more culpable for the affair than she is. He is married, she is not. I say neither one is more culpable - they are both wrong, both equal participants.
Perserving the family, or being true to my vows never entered into my thoughts in terms of staying in my marriage. We don't have children, we could have dissolved the assets and moved on. I believe he broke the vows, I was free to go. However, we love each other and want to stay together.
In short, I forgave my husband first because it was necessary to forgive him first. I am now working on forgiving her - but neither case is easy.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 1:45:11 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
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One thing about confessing:
If I were you I would choose wisely those that you share your story with. I would tell someone who can keep you accountable, but provided you are handling this situation and dealing with your own sin, I don't believe it's necessary to involve anyone else. When people hear news like this it tends to travel like wild fire and as it moves it takes on its own life. Once information like this is out there and your reputation is put in question, it's very difficult to clean it up.
I don't think you need to say anything to his wife either - that's his marriage, his problem, just stay out of it. He needs to be responsible and it's not up to you make him be responsible.
Gosh, this is tough stuff, isn't it? I'm praying for you!!
(((((((nuinchrist)))))))
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 1:51:29 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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Alegra,
I understand. It makes total sense. I can really see now why it's so important that I continue with this in earnest. Talking with a spouse that had this happen to her, it's so hurtful to hear. Two years after and you talk as if it happened yesterday. I'm so glad I came to this site. I can see how the pain of this event has shaped both of your lives in such a big way. I'm really sorry that I did this and my intention was never to hurt anyone. Thank God the wife is not aware and I can somehow get out of this with a little dignity left. Her husband will find another "other women" I'm sure and I feel sorry for her. I just don't think it's my place to tell her. Hopefully, GOD will speak to him after I've ended it in this fashion.
Alegra, I'm glad you worked it out with your husband and I'm sure you guys will be stronger and closer. You've defintely showed love and a committment to your vows.
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