Honest opinions please? (Full Version)

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tigerfan88 -> Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 3:01:26 AM)

Background: male friend and I are 21 and 19, respectively. We've known each other for a year, dated briefly back in April/May but ended up taking a break because I had things to deal with. I apologized to him last week for my mistakes and he confessed that he hadn't stopped thinking about me and wanted to get back together. We agreed to, but not for a couple more weeks due to our hectic schedules.

So I thought things were going good. Until tonight. During my routine search of usernames (mine and some friends.....not being a snoop, just generally interested in what's out there), I saw his come up on Plenty of Fish. He just posted a classified ad a couple days ago looking for a "sweet" girl! What the heck? He just told me a week ago that he wanted to be with me....and yet, he's posting on a classified site looking for a relationship?!? I think that shows me that he's really not interested in me. He's willing to go with the first girl who wants to be with him. But what do you think?

So I contacted him and subtlely hinted that I was upset and wanted some honesty. The guy isn't getting the hint that I'm mad at him, know what he's been up to and I'd at least like some honesty from him. Should I just come out and tell exactly what I found?



gaylel1 -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 3:17:28 AM)

My heart goes out to you, however, this man is not interested in you, but he wants to test the waters. He's not worth your time nor he's not ready for a relationship.

A real Christian man is committed to the one he loves. And maybe the Lord is revealing to you that he is not the man for you.

My advice is to move on.



scottiezsister -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 4:04:27 AM)

19 and 21 are very young to be settled down with. You need to find someone who you can date and who is going to respect you. This guy isn't interested in just dating you. What he says doesn't equal up with his actions either. I have found that actions do speak louder than words most times.

I am older than you, but I would enjoy my youth and my life and I would get the most out of it. Guys will always be around so date them but don't rush to be settled down with someone and attached. If it happens, it happens. Enjoy your life now with or w/o a boy!



rgod -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 7:42:59 AM)

Just talk to him about it. Once, I signed up with a dating site, only to find out that another dating site took my profile and posted it on theirs several weeks later. Thank goodness I had no picture or identifying info. I don't know if plenty of fish is like that, but it is a possibility.

It does sound fishy. He might be interested in dating you but other people also at the same time. Some people are ok with that - some aren't. It doesn't sound like you want that. Whatever you do, proceed with caution. The sneaky thing to do would be to respond to the ad and gauge his response, but I'm not sure that would be the godly thing to do.



revbob4God -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 7:55:43 AM)

Honesty is the best policy. Why are you mad? Just because you all may be thinking about getting into a relationship again does not necessarily make you a couple. After all unless the ring is on your finger, you are both free to walk about the cabin, so to speak.



Memaw. -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 8:05:32 AM)

quote:

Should I just come out and tell exactly what I found?


Yes you should.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 8:52:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod
Just talk to him about it. Once, I signed up with a dating site, only to find out that another dating site took my profile and posted it on theirs several weeks later. Thank goodness I had no picture or identifying info. I don't know if plenty of fish is like that, but it is a possibility.


pof is totally legit and one of the major dating sites. there are lots of scam sites out there that seed their initial population with fake accounts (copying info from real sites) to look like an active site.



tigerfan88 -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 10:09:01 AM)

Thanks guys. The weird thing is, given how long I've know him, I've really been able to gauge his personality pretty well and know if something's up. He was the one to pursue me in the first place; he's the one who really wanted to get back together. And from everything he has told me, he does not want to date around. He wants to settle down. I want the same thing, but at the time we dated, I wasn't quite ready for it and told him so--I told him I needed some time. After reflecting a lot on it this summer, we had a very honest talk last week and he told me he still had deep feelings for me.

Now I see two possibilities with this: 1. He really did put up that profile last week after we had that talk or 2. He put it up a couple of weeks ago when he felt really upset, before we decided to get back together. MySpace tends to take a little bit of time before they put up profiles from other sites, so this is a real possibility. I've decided to confront him about him tonight. What do you think about asking it this way?

"Hey, I was doing some searching on the internet with my name/nickname and the names of others--including you. During my search, I found that you had put up an online classified ad seeking a relationship with a sweet girl--and it was put up just three days ago on MySpace. I just want to know, what's up with that? Are you really interested in me? If you're not, I think we should just both agree to move on, before feelings are hurt. If you are interested, I think I deserve some sort of explanation."



deermousie -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 10:36:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tigerfan88
"Hey, I was doing some searching on the internet with my name/nickname and the names of others--including you. During my search, I found that you had put up an online classified ad seeking a relationship with a sweet girl--and it was put up just three days ago on MySpace. I just want to know, what's up with that? Are you really interested in me? If you're not, I think we should just both agree to move on, before feelings are hurt. If you are interested, I think I deserve some sort of explanation."


This is perfect. Ask it without heat but just matter of factly. It's straight forward and non-accusatory. There's no emotional drama queenness to this but just honest. It's what I'd want a friend to say to me.

I think 19 and 21 are too young for making choices of mates, and dating leads us on in a courtship way but with no righteous end. I'd encourage you to not date but finish the preparation you are making for marriage (skills and education and such) and then ask the Lord for His choice of husband to come find you and carry you off to a wedding. But you have to decide how to go about life.

God bless you, dear one!



TorchHeart -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 11:09:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tigerfan88

Now I see two possibilities with this: 1. He really did put up that profile last week after we had that talk or 2. He put it up a couple of weeks ago when he felt really upset, before we decided to get back together. MySpace tends to take a little bit of time before they put up profiles from other sites, so this is a real possibility. I've decided to confront him about him tonight. What do you think about asking it this way?

"Hey, I was doing some searching on the internet with my name/nickname and the names of others--including you. During my search, I found that you had put up an online classified ad seeking a relationship with a sweet girl--and it was put up just three days ago on MySpace. I just want to know, what's up with that? Are you really interested in me? If you're not, I think we should just both agree to move on, before feelings are hurt. If you are interested, I think I deserve some sort of explanation."


I think this is the best option, and what you want to say at the bottom is perfect. If you two are that close, and he's told you that he has deep feelings for you, then you have every right to be questioning his words/actions when you see something like this. And there might be a very logical explanation for this, but he owes it to you to give it to you if there is one.



agapetos -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 11:45:50 AM)

quote:

Now I see two possibilities with this: 1. He really did put up that profile last week after we had that talk or 2. He put it up a couple of weeks ago when he felt really upset, before we decided to get back together. MySpace tends to take a little bit of time before they put up profiles from other sites, so this is a real possibility.
Is it possible that it was someone else who put his details up and he doesn't have a clue about it?

I do think that you should speak with him about it. Keep calm though and allow him time to say his piece and decide what to do from there.

I think what you've said is pretty good. Think about rephrasing it a bit though ~ maybe like this.

"Hey, I was doing some searching on the internet with my name/nickname and the names of others--including you. During my search, I found that you had put up an online classified ad seeking a relationship with a sweet girl--and it was put up just three days ago on MySpace."

Then allow him to say something.

If he doesn't add

"We talked about getting back together and I need to know where I stand. Are you really interested in me?"

And allow him to say something again and so on.

I can understand you needing to say all you want to but sometimes saying less can be less confrontational and therefore you'll stand more chance of getting a response from him.



sudden -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 4:06:32 PM)

You can tell him exactly what you found but you are not going to like his answer.

Sudden



tigerfan88 -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 5:08:29 PM)

OK, thanks again, guys. I guess I'm just in disbelief because he does not seem like the type of guy who would post an ad like this when he's told me that he wants to get back together. He does not seem like the type of guy who would want to date multiple girls, and I'm definitely not the type of girl who wants to date/court a guy who is dating/courting other girls at the same time. I understand if he posted this a couple weeks ago out of loneliness because he thought I did not want to get back together with him, but I am not happy if he really did just post this a few days ago after we had our talk. That, to me, shows that he's really not that committed to the idea of getting back together. It's more than a little hurtful given what he's told me. I mean, he told me last week that he's been waiting to see me again, thinks about me a lot and wants to be with me. How am I supposed to feel if, after he tells me all of this, he's still looking for someone else?

I'm planning on talking to him tonight and will just put the question out there. And like someone else suggested, I'll allow him to respond before asking where things stand between us.



agapetos -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/11/2008 5:20:36 PM)

Please let us know how things go.



tigerfan88 -> RE: Honest opinions please? (8/12/2008 12:47:36 AM)

Thanks, will do. I am talking to him right now and am about to mention it.



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