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hotsaucygma -> RE: Forgiveness After Divorce (8/7/2008 3:14:49 PM)
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Stories of the Divorce Wars, hmm?
Actually, I think it has some similarities to war... there is the breakdown in the relationship between the two involved, the open "hostilities" during the divorce proceedings, then finally the post-divorce(war) "peace" situation. Sometimes after the peace is called there is still a lot of fighting going on; sometimes it looks peaceful on the surface but there is still much turmoil while the "defeated" one(s) come to terms with the new situation; and sometimes there is real honest peace and growth for both parties.
I was married 29 years. Actually 28 years, 9 mos and 8 days, but who's counting [:D]? We started out with a lot going for us. My husband had a good job, I worked too. We had a brand new car, a second one that was only a couple years old, both paid for; had bought and paid for all our furniture, had families that were supportive of our marriage and we had much in common as far as church and our ideas about recreational activities. Then we came home from the honeymoon and it went downhill, lol. But we did have good years. And we had two wonderful sons. I personally think we would have made it if it wasn't for the alcohol. There were certainly other issues, but the alcohol was the main one- his love.
So anyway, 28 years, 9 mos and 8 days later, I had a piece of paper that said it was officially over.
Just because it is "officially over" doesn't mean it is really over. I'm not sure it is ever "over". The pain is so intense. I have explained it as if someone ripped your arm from your body and then used it to beat you half to death. Divorce doesn't affect just the two people that got the divorce. It affects your children, family, friends and even future friends because you are no longer the same person as you were before going through a divorce.
My Ex kept the house we had built. I bought a small 2 bedroom home and my kids helped me move in the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That first set of "holidays"- I'll never forget them. Such a mixed bag of feelings, highs to extreme lows. Thanksgiving was one of "our" favorite holidays. For some reason, it was the one holiday that my Ex would get up in the morning and help stuff the turkey and participate in it without "ruining" the day. I remember laughing together as we tried to figure out how to stuff a turkey that first Thanksgiving that we had invited both of our families to join us in our little apartment. I have many fond memories of turkey stuffing mornings after that! But the first Thanksgiving spent in my new home was also filled with love and family. My Mom, Godmother, both sons and my daughter-in-law were there. We went out to a local resturant buffet, and back to my new home for pie amid the boxes and clutter that "moving" makes. One of my Ex-BIL's called me that evening and that brought lots of tears; that night as I went to bed alone, I again felt a mix of emotions. But, I love the peace I have found in my little home. I spent that whole first winter pretty much in the recliner, afaghan and cat on my lap, TV going but I couldn't tell you what was on it! I got to go back to church, and that is where I found a DivorceCare group that helped me put my life back together. It is the reason that I so often suggest those going through a divorce or even just thinking about it to go to DivorceCare.
I tried to develope a civil relationship with my Ex, but he was so angry I was never able to do so. He put the kids in the middle and made things difficult any time I had to try to deal with him- such as my younger son's wedding, baptisims of grandchildren etc. I always made sure I was polite and friendly to them if they did decide to come. My kids, bless them, always included me in any family gatherings and told their Dad that he was just as welcome, but they would not do "seperate" things if he chose not to come. Usually he chose not to come. There were times I offered to stay away, but the kids said no- if he chose to miss out, it was his choice. But I know it was hard on them. It was also hard on me. It was hard to have the Grandkids born and not share that with their Grandpa. It was hard knowing there was another woman in the kitchen that I had designed and that when my kids went there for dinner they were all in our old home- without me and with another woman... Hmm, so much pain- plenty to go around!
But I am stronger, happier, better now than I was then. I am closer to the Lord, still close to my Kids and Grandkids. After "my war", I did find peace. It is sometimes slow going, but steadily moving forward, you build your life again.
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