How much is too much? (lengthy post)

How much is too much? (lengthy post) (Full Version)

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ledbyfaith -> How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/6/2008 5:24:01 AM)
My husband and I have been married for 9 years and neither of us was saved when we married. For the first seven years of our marriage everything appeared to be okay. Seven years into our marriage I noticed that my husband had taken to leaving his cell phone in the car and when it was in the house it was locked. At the time I was on day shift and had to be up at four in the morning…he worked evens and got off around twelve thirty in the AM. When he would come home he would stay up for hours playing video games and trying to wind down. I later found out that during those times that he would be on the phone sometimes two and three o’clock in the morning talking to a female that he worked with previously at another job. Also on a trip with his brother to drop off a niece at a relative’s house in another state he turned out to be a visiting the female who was living in the same state. Also while staying out of town my husband failed to give me any hotel information and did not stay in regular contact which was very unusual. This female was someone I knew and was familiar with and knew that when she came to town him and a few other co workers would get together and hang out. I was also aware that he talked to her on the phone…where the problem comes in is that I was under the impression that he lost contact with this female and when he was in contact with her again he did not inform me. To me everything looked like he was sneaking around. I found out about the female by going thru our cell phone bill because of overages. I still can not prove that my husband cheated but I have a gut feeling in my heart that he did. We were eventually able to work things out even though he refused to see a marriage counselor I forgave and we moved on. Round two my husband bought a motorcycle and joined a motorcycle club and enjoyed riding with his brother (they both had bikes). His brother was going through a separation with his wife and therefore was dating. He introduced a female friend to my husband and I later on found out through our cell phone bill that he was carry on with this female as well. I saw her phone number on our bill. He even began to hang all not and not come home until I had to leave for work the next morning. He continually told me that this female was a friend and they just hung out. When I asked could I meet her he told me no and would get defensive when I brought her up. I later found out that they were telling everyone that she was my brother in laws best friend. We had been married for eight years and I’ve met nor seen this girl and neither had any of their family members. I ended up calling this female (the previous one as well-my husband was not happy about this). My husband was so defensive when it came to her and was willing to end our marriage over someone he claimed was just a friend. I prayed, I cried and I begged for my husband not to leave me. I spent a lot of sleepless nights waiting up for him. On a third incident right before mothers day this year my husband and brother in law went out of town for a family wedding and advised they may be in late because they planned on having a couple of drinks. I am now on midnight shift and had spoken with my husband before work. During the course of the night I tried contacting my husband with no luck. Finally by 4 am I was frantic and concerned. He would not answer any calls or text. I was only able to speak to him after contacting his brother who advised he was at the store and few minutes later received a call from my husband. Two nights later he was at it again. Now the part I played I played in this drama. When I found out about the first female my husband had another trip planned to the state where this female lived. I begged him not to go and told him we desperately needed to work on our marriage, I told him if he left I would not be there when he returned. He told me he would think about it. When I woke up the next day and called to talk to him I found out that he had already left and was in the other state. I was so hurt and devastated that I began to tear up a lot of his personal belongings including a tv and some damage to his motorcycle. With the second female during a really heated conversation I assaulted him by hitting him repeatedly. With the third incident I had had enough and the second night when he left and would not answer my calls I was so frustrated. I had tried talking to him until I was blue. I did something that I now regret but I began to throw his clothes and other belongings outside. I locked the doors and took my girls upstairs with me. When he returned I asked him not to come in and to return to whoever it was that had his interest outside of our household. When he came in he was trying to get upstairs to get the rest of his belongings and I asked him to leave. He came towards me and I pushed him again I assaulted him. He called the police on me and they stayed while he gathered his belongings and he left. He now says that I threw him out like trash and that he could not return because of embarrassment. My husband was gone for two months, had taken off his wedding band and told me to move on because it was over. I prayed and never gave up. During this time, as a police officer he was offered a rent free apt for being a courtesy officer. He told me that he was going to inquire about the apartment but shortly after he called and told me that he had the apartment. We have both sought counseling as individuals because he was adamant that I needed anger management. (He told me that his counselor said the apartment was a hasty decision but he should keep it for at least a year). He also told his brother that he could live with him for at least a year because that is how long he would have this apartment. Since then my husband has confessed to me that he messed up and that he started the problems in our marriage. He said that he loved me and wanted to start over and that he was committed to do whatever it takes to work things out including marriage counseling. I have expressed my feelings about this apartment to my husband and told him it was a major issue for me. Several days during the week he has to do patrol around the complex in order to keep the apartment. He gets off at 12 am and goes there for 3-4 hours for patrol and says this is the only nights that he would be staying there. Every now and then he has found other reasons to stay on an occasion or two. I went to him with a compromise and asked if he would go to his brother and explain to him that things have changed and that he thought he would be there for a year but would be able to give him 6 months. His brother is a single man with no kids living with him and at the time was living with a sister. Out a family of 6 no one is willing to take his brother in because he has either burned that bridge or they don’t want to deal with him because he has been known as a slacker. Even in past times when he needed a place to stay (which is often) my husband has refused to let him stay with us. My husband is now telling me that 6 months is not enough time for anyway to find a place to stay and it’s my fault that he has the apartment anyway. He is saying that he is suffering the consequences for his mistakes and now I have to as well. Now he is refusing to give up the apartment and tying to make it seem as if I want him to throw his brother out in the streets. I think that he is being selfish and using his brother as an excuse to keep the apartment. I feel like it is a crutch and will only cause our marriage to deteriorate further. I know this is very lengthy but I am at my wits end and was hoping for advice and prayer on the situation.

Szaftoo -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/6/2008 8:29:36 AM)
I am very sorry for what you are going through and will pray for both of you.

shadowspring -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/6/2008 12:00:55 PM)
I do not have any advice other than to seek a deeper relationship with the Lord during this time of separation. Fall in love with Jesus and hopefully you will truly get to the place where He is all you need. All your anger was a result of having been cheated on and lied to repeatedly. I'd be angry too. But here's why I can't advise you: I would have kicked him out long before you did, and I don't think I would be pining to have him back. I'd much rather live alone than with an unfaithful man. And I do hope you have had a full STD work-up since he moved out. Best wishes to you for a happy fulfilled life in Christ, separated or reunited, whatever may come.

IsleGirl -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/6/2008 1:00:56 PM)
Your life sounds familiar to mine. I agree with Shadow you need to draw closer to the Lord and get yourself checked for STD's. My husband and I didn't seek either marital or individual counseling. I ended up falling away from Jesus and fell into a deep depression. I'm happy that you are here seeking Godly advice, something that I never did. My result ended in me filing for divorce after my husband caught me in an emotional affair. What I have learned from my experience is that my faith sustained our marriage from years of my husbands infidelity, and him bringing home an STD to me. It was his last affair that done me over and caused me to stumble. Stay close to God, continue your counseling sessions, and continue seeking Godly advice. Good luck and God Bless you!

MC4JC -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/6/2008 1:27:03 PM)
IMO your husband has cheated on you and abandoned the marriage. I would let him go and move on - let him file for divorce. But I would not allow him back in your bed. The fact that he has gone to all these places WITHOUT you tells me the he's seeing other woman. NO brother going thru a divorce will introduce his brother to other woman - that's insane. Why would he even consider it unless your husband was ok with it and planned on cheating anyway. He already did it once, so what's to stop him from continuing? He will keep on cheating as long as you allow him to do so. He refused counseling. I say you continue counseling for yourself and seeking God's advice.

Row1 -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/7/2008 9:14:50 AM)
Hello- I have prayed for you and your children. It worries me that you report all of this drama, then somewhere you take a breath and mention that you have children. As others have said, I would prioritize my relationship with God. If you do this, the role you have in the lives of these children will become apparent, and your focus will change. Additionally, as your maybe-husband tries to discuss anything with you, you could put the issue of his role in raising these children to him BEFORE discussing the relationship between you two. These kids are innocent victims and need some support and guidance.

jaimestarcross -> RE: How much is too much? (lengthy post) (8/7/2008 2:23:26 PM)
The both of you need to be focused on living for the Lord and establishing a stable home life for the children. The brother in-law is a grown man and he needs to step up and become responsible for his own mistakes... the only person who is solely responsible for whether or not he's got a home or not is himself... no one else! If he chooses to be a slacker he needs to face the consequences of making bad choices. Your husband has some growing up to do - he still doesn't seem ready to be a committed family man and husband. Your husband deliberately played around with your affections/emotions by having inappropriate relationships with other women and by telling you lies. In short he pushed your buttons to set you off and when you responded - he asserts that he's the victim! He continued to push and push to do his own thing at the expense of damaging his marriage and constantly hurting you emotionally with lies and inappropriate relationships and behavior... I can't think of anyone who wouldn't of gotten angry and put him out of the house! While forgiveness and working on reconciling are steps in the right direction, I think it's too soon for him to be back in the home since he's not willing to give up the apartment and making a poor excuse that six months isn't enough time for a person(his brother) to find a place to stay --- my goodness, the housing market across a vast majority of states are flooded with homes/ mobile homes/apartments/condos!

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