How Do I Make Friends? (Full Version)

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womanoffire1 -> How Do I Make Friends? (8/5/2008 10:12:59 PM)

This may sound like a rhetorical question; but I am serious.
How do I go about meeting new friends in a church or christian setting?

This question does not just refer to meeting "men", it is how to meet more people period.

To understand a little bit about me. I was raised in the church all my life and pretty much sheltered...even from other "church children". My mother didn't want me being exposed to any bad elements. I was not allowed to go to parties, the movies, skating, and other events that young adults might use to shape their social life.

Because my family and I went through such a terrible financial storm when I was younger even up until now, I have just now been able to purchase my own vehicle and make my own decisions as to where I will go...and i'm almost 30 years old worst yet.

Now I have this delimna. I DON"T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS. When there's crowd I freeze up, I hide or worst yet leave to avoid social anxiety. (And no I don't have social anxiety disorder) this was brought on by upbringing not chemical imbalance.

How did you meet your friends outside of school and work....PLEASE NO INTERNET SUGGESTIONS...Just my preference.

I want to get out there and really live it up.



stellaluna -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/5/2008 11:02:39 PM)

I've made friends by finding people with mutual interests--taking continuing education classes, for example; just showing up to bible study; etc.



ta_mosquito -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/5/2008 11:03:58 PM)

Since this is a thread posted by a woman asking for women's opinions, I'm moving it from She Says (where men ask the questions) to Women Only.



gal220 -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 1:59:05 PM)

Hi womanoffire1,

I can relate to what you've written because I consider myself to be socially awkward. Overcoming this is not easy, but with God nothing is impossible. Take it slow...You've been this way for a long period of time. It will take time for you to become more comfortable in social settings. Always remember 'listeners' are always need in a good conversation [:D] (Make sure to offer your input though so it's not totally one sided.)

Here are a couple of ways that have worked for me: 1) Older seasoned women will take you under the 'wings' if you allow them the opportunity. They love to introduce their new young friend to others 2) Volunteer ~ the church always needs workers!!! Help out at an event (church picnic, youth outing, etc.) or with a ministry (women's fellowship, young adult ministry, etc.). God has equipped you with something that can be used to benefit the church and its members. Find out what that is (if you don't know already)...That way you are in your element and will be with others with similar interests. The friendships will form through a common bond.

Challenge yourself: At the next event (or church service) speak to 2 or 3 people that you don't know. Nothing heavy keep it simple "Hi, I'm______ how are you? How long have you attended... or I like that________ where did you get those" Keep it under 2 minutes and see how you feel. Try to use open ended questions that will allow the other person to offer a detailed response. (you will feel comfortable some ppl others you will not...it's OK)

If you get too anxious, it's ok...regroup and try again next time. Don't beat yourself up. More than likely your the only one who will remember the incident. When you are able to overcome the anxiety don't take it for granted; acknowledge it as an accomplishment. No matter how small...a step is still a step. (sorry this is so long)



Georgia-Peach -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 2:11:29 PM)

Sunday School was the best thing for my hubby and I when it came to meeting new people at church. For the first year and a half we attended we did not go to Sunday School, we knew no one. Once we started we met people left and right. Some became good friends and other just acquaintances. We have a great group of friends and we have some great doors open as well. We are now workers in the youth group and have been for a couple of years.



womanoffire1 -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 4:01:45 PM)

quote:

No matter how small...a step is still a step. (sorry this is so long)


This wasn't too long...Believe me i'm open to as much information as I can get.

Just wanted to reply to some of the comments.....

quote:

Sunday School was the best thing for my hubby and I when it came to meeting new people at church


I attend all of my services so meeting people there is not the problem. My church is very small so I know everyone by name. Another issue is that there isn't any one belonging to my church that is my age and single and free to go out and do things. I need more ways to push beyond this small circle of fellowship.

One thing God has impressed upon me since writing this post is to think outside the box. For instance, when I meet someone new I generally size the person up as to whether or not they're friendly. I've got to stop doing that.

I have been invited to a few events only to make poor excuses that it's "too far", or "I don't think I'll enjoy myself", or "Not my crowd."

Can any one give me a personal story of how they met a dear friend or spouse? What was the atmosphere like? How did you handle your surroundings? What made things click?



HisCovenant -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 4:21:07 PM)

I've struggled with this, as well, due to being taught, not any chemical imbalance. I have loads of aquaintances, but only two friends... my husband and my best friend. I can probably count her husband as a friend, too. He's dh's best friend, but he and I don't hang out alone as it's inapproprate for us. But the four of us are found together quite often.

One thing that I have found that stops friendship is that I can't get others to respond to me. I have reached out and reached out, but for some reason others are reluctant to take my hand. My best friend had been an aquaintance for several years. I babysat for her when I was in college. As I grew up and we became on the same level & season of life (married Christian women) she began to respond back to me. I'm not sure what caused her to allow the friendship to progress. I've had other aquaintances where I felt that click, but it never materialized into friendship. Some of those aquaintances remained aquaintances because of distance or because we moved when I was younger. Some remained aquintances by not accepting invitations to spend time with me.

I've been through times of thinking that there is something "wrong" with me that turns others away, and I still think that thought is still in me (although it's not as strong as it once was.) Currently and mostly, I'm just of the opinion that our society is less groupy than it used to be and not developing friendships is a consequence of our culture. One thing I know for sure is that I can't seem to find the key to go through the door from aquaintanceship to friendship, even though I have desperately looked for it and thoroughly examined myself to to find out why I can't see it. And still, I'm at the same spot.



womanoffire1 -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 4:38:53 PM)

quote:

One thing that I have found that stops friendship is that I can't get others to respond to me.


Me too. I can't say what it really is. I know for the most part it's been my salvation that has kept me so separated. But then there are others christian that just don't seem find me interesting. I've tried examining charismatic people and attempting to mimic their styles. Let's just say it didn't work for me.

Another thing is that I'm sometimes out of balance in the conversation area. Either I will sit the entire conversation and let the other person talk, or I will go off on a tangent not realizing that I have dominated the entire conversation. The other person leaves thinking that I am totally narcissitic.

In some cases I can pull the person into a conversation and if they find out that I don't drink or have a secret sex life; the conversation is over (And these are people I've met a church!).

I'm so confused.

Am I doomed for Isolation because of my social impairment?



rgod -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/6/2008 9:37:02 PM)

quote:

Am I doomed for Isolation because of my social impairment?


Heaven's no!!! It just sounds like a skill problem to me. For most people, they've learned to make friends at an early age - it has been trial and error. But, it sounds like you didn't have that opportunity. So you are learning now. It might take time, but you are definitely not alone. Lots of people have this issue. I did - because I grew up a bit isolated (due to family issues). I always looked like I had friends and still do know a lot of people - but moving into deeper friendships have often been an area of struggle for me - God has really helped me in this area and I am continuing to grow. So if there is hope for me, there is definitely hope for you too :)

One thing that helped me was this site: http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SMA-3716/introduction.asp. When I found it, I was trying to biblically define what it meant to be a friend. Although the site is not Christian (it is maintained by the National Institutes of Mental Health), I thought that it was a great step by step guide that was geared towards adults. I apologize if it is too elementary for you - but for me, it was a great help.

But aside from that, the best thing I think that you can do is pray and ask God to send friends to you. Don't get too hung up on how they look, ages, or which church they go to, etc. Just be open to who God sends (He might nudge you to initiate contact).

Also, since you specifically asked about church ... there are certain activities in church that are "relationship" type of activities - like small group fellowships or single's groups. Bible studies might be that way too, but sometimes it isn't (I've been to many where it is strictly about bible study and nothing else). While it is great to have good friends and that is your goal, appreciate the acquaintances too. It is nice to have a number of people to be able to reach out to and talk to - maybe someone to have lunch with or someone else to go to a movie with or another person that you might sit next to during a church picnic. This light friendships are also a gift as well and are often the place from which deeper friendships emerge.

Also, what is very encouraging in your note is that you've mentioned that there are people in church who have lost interest when you didn't have a secret problem etc. While I am sorry to hear that you've run into that (and also that so many are struggling in this area), the fact that you are not compromising just to be part of a group speaks volumes about your own self-esteem - and this is a very good thing.

You be encouraged and blessed today. Try to be a blessing to others and take some measured risks in being vulnerable with a few select people - as the Lord leads you. Start thanking God in advance for the people that He is going to bring in your life.

rgod



peace77 -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/8/2008 12:48:47 AM)

rgod,

The link you posted does not work.



rgod -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/9/2008 2:44:04 PM)

Sorry peace77 - a period was appended to the end of the link. This one should work ...

http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SMA-3716/introduction.asp


rgod



princessjenny -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/9/2008 10:35:58 PM)

I too would like to find a way to make some friends. I am new to Christ and a shy person at that. I am often timid and have a hard time approaching people, I recently moved to a new town and accepted Christ in my life so I feel as if I am starting with a clean slate and would like to meet fellow christians so that we can share mutual support and encouragement and become closer to Christ.



Kerryannism -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/9/2008 11:14:53 PM)

On any setting - just be kind and interested in others. I know that you probably are already, so it will come around. People gravitate towards kind individuals.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/10/2008 9:43:33 PM)

Have you looked to see if there is a small Bible study group where you live? I found a flier for one when I was at college & made some good friends (around my age) that way. It's worth a try....but this was something I did outside of my church as it was fairly small with a lot of older people (even though I was at college...I just didn't quite fit there...hard to explain).



saraimay75 -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/11/2008 3:26:12 AM)

I too have had difficulty making friends. I am an introvert at time people can annoy me. It also stems from being rejected by my peers. I was too different so I lost myself in books. I had a few aquintences in high school but they were brief. And the only reason why we knew each other is we all at our school lunch in the same place.

I did not have anyone reach out to me until my first year of college. It completly shocked me. She sat with me because she was in my drama class there were empty table but she wanted to sit with me. For a long while this friendship was a lot more here then me. I knew a lot more about her life then she did about mine. When she found Christ she led me to Christ also...She evtually became my best friend.

And then there was a whole group who accepted me. We had some great time.I opened myself up to them They knew my life. Until the church closed. It being a small church was only one of the reasons that the church closed. God called me to leave before the actual last service. I did go to the last one but I felt such a disconnect and slightly rejected that I only withcommunicate best friend who lead me there and one or two other people.

Now I go to a huge church. I go because the Pastor speaks the Truth. And I get so much out of the words he says. Not only him but his wife who has spoken and the other guest speakers.

My best friend and her future husband go to another church. If I want to make friend it is now up to me and tis is difficult make a connection it is mainly up to me. All this involves is join a Life Group (Life Groups are smaller groups of people so yo can make a connection).

there are several of them meet on all days and all times. I just need to find one that fits into my school scedule, one I can either get to and from by bus or catch a ride with someone in the group.

But this is difficult because of my past. But it is something God is calling and has been calling for me to do.



Kath -> RE: How Do I Make Friends? (8/12/2008 6:39:10 PM)

Moving from Womens Only to Relationships

Sincerely
Kath

Please do not comment on this action in the community or send me a PM about it. If you have questions, comments or concerns please email Fritz at community@salemwebnetwork.com allowing time for a reply. Thanks!



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