Questions to other marrieds about husbands

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cdef -> Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/5/2008 4:05:12 PM)
I need a place where I can ask questions of married women about husbands and their roles in the home, when they are having problems. A near and very dear Christian relative is going through problems with her husband with regard to gambling and porn addictions. Are there people out there who know about these things and are willing to help me out with first-hand knowledge, answers, suggestions, ideas, advice that I can pass on to her?

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/5/2008 5:17:05 PM)
Okay, maybe I need to just go ahead and write. I am very naive when it comes to the things I am going to ask, so please forgive my ignorance... This relative has been married 15 years, and both were Christians when they married. What is happening has not shown up until the last about 6 years. At first, it didn't seem like a big deal. He just liked to play games with family friends that included a little gambling -- just pennies and nickles. Then, as time went on, his friends were having fun, but he became way too serious. Then he started going to cassinos. My friend wasn't too alarmed at first, even going with him, then she learned he was sneaking out and going when he was supposed to be in other places. And it got worse from there. Recently, he lost $1000, money they could not afford...money from their savings he took without her knowing. He took more out to try to win that back and ended up losing $500 more. They have bills, children, a mortgage, and more, but he just keeps gambling their wages away, and since he controls the money, she has no idea how much he is using, when he takes it, how much he takes, or even how much he loses. Regarding the porn, he gets it on the computer. That is bad enough, but I sure hope he is not doing that at work, because if he is, he will be fired. The company he works for is plenty big enough to easily have the watchdogs on him. Bottom line, she is scared to death, disgusted with him, and so frustrated she doesn't know what to do. "For better or worse" did not include this for her, and she doesn't know what to do with it. Right now, she is talking divorce, but she feels so trapped because of the children. Do you have any advice? Anything I can do or say to encourage her?

JJB1222 -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/5/2008 7:50:17 PM)
Well...I don't know if I have any advice, but I will say, "Thank the Lord she has you to confide in." Sometimes people just need someone they trust that they can talk to. If I can offer any advice, I would say...Christian counseling for both. If he wont go, then at least your friend should. The issues they are dealing with are too big to take lightly. One question...does your friend's husband acknowledge he has a problem? If he hasn't, he needs to before real progress can begin. Which is why counseling might be hard for him. I'll be praying things work out for them.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 1:18:52 AM)
JJB1222! You don't know how much I appreciate your answer. I am so desperate for her! And so frustrated myself. I know I should not take this on, but I love this person so much, and she is so undeserving of this kind of treatment... So anyways, to answer your question... Her husband acknowledges that he has a problem one minute then runs to the cassino the next. He will be so repentant one moment then justifying it the next. He mourns the loss of their money one time then withdraws more and gambles it the next. I would have whiplash from his seesawing. The other problem is that I really like her husband. He is a real nice guy when his head is not pointed in the direction of the cassino. He gets gambling on his mind, and he literally can't think of anything else! He is like a smart bomb that can only go one direction and will not stop until he reaches his destination. He doesn't think of her or the children or the mounting bills when he has the gambling on his mind. I think they need counseling, too, but he has spent the money; there isn't even enough for what they owe. They do go to church...in fact, faithfully...the whole family...every Sunday. Thank you so much for your prayers. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 5:12:50 AM)
She might find counsel from New Life Ministries to be helpful. They have a focus on adultery/porn/betrayal and healing and restoration. They are both going to need some professional help. I do think "for worse" includes gambling and porn, and that divorce shoudln't be her first step. But for purely pragmatic reasons, she might need to separate until he gets his act together, and separate finances, etc. If there is a way that her church family can help her with this, you should direct her there.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 6:41:19 AM)
Right...I can't sleep...She is on my mind. Thank you, 3cappuccinosmom. I will certainly look into New Life Ministries and see what they might offer for her. Thank you very, very much!

JJB1222 -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 10:14:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom I do think "for worse" includes gambling and porn, and that divorce shoudln't be her first step. But for purely pragmatic reasons, she might need to separate until he gets his act together, and separate finances, etc. If there is a way that her church family can help her with this, you should direct her there. I agree. If it is feasible for her to separate, she can at least take care of herself and the kids. Does she work? Is there family she can stay with? Sometimes that may be easier said than done, but a little "tough love" from her might be what he needs to get serious. Of course, I would seek a counselor first before any move are made.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 11:28:37 AM)
I think he needs to be kicked out...separating, not divorce...not her leaving, but she won't even consider it...she's too scared right now. She does work. I looked into that site, but I couldn't find anything on gambling. I tried to get into their forum, but I would have needed to create a name and sign in. I feel funny about doing that...it feels like intruding. What do you think? What do you know that I don't?

JJB1222 -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 1:37:41 PM)
How about just calling their number - 800-new-life - and asking if they have someone that specializes in gambling/porn addictions. Then again...from what I understand, addiction is addiction. It's not so much what kind, but the fact that it is destroying people's lives. Maybe if your friend had the encouragement of a counselor and the support you she will have the courage to kick him out. You're right...he SHOULD be the one to go.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 2:56:15 PM)
I called, and I learned about their program, but they simply don't have the money for her to go...he gambles what money they have away. They suggested Gamblers Anonymous, but right now, I am more interested in help for her. It is not that I don't care about him, because I do, but he hasn't hit bottom yet, and until he does, I doubt that he will stick to anything, because he wins enough money back to keep going back to the cassinos. It simply never occurred to me that Christians would have to deal with issues like this. It's not that my marriage has been perfect, but this just seems so over the top. Which brings up a question. As I said, my marriage was not perfect, although right now, I think it is and hope it stays that way. But we have had our own troubles in the not so distant past. As a result of this and what my relative/friend is going through, I want to ask you married ladies something...especially those who have been married for a while. We all know that the Bible says that the men are to be the spiritual leaders...not in those exact words but that is the intention. But the longer I am married, the more I learn that the women are the trend-setters, the...how shall I say it...the determiners of godliness in the home. Thinking back, I know that this was true in my childhood home...Mother set the moral compass in the home. In my marriage, I have had to do that by making certain demands about what would or would not be acceptable in our home. Now the woman this thread is about is having to do the same thing. And I see it in so many other homes. Is this ordinary?

clag4christ -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:07:05 PM)
quote: Thinking back, I know that this was true in my childhood home...Mother set the moral compass in the home. In my marriage, I have had to do that by making certain demands about what would or would not be acceptable in our home. Now the woman this thread is about is having to do the same thing. And I see it in so many other homes. Is this ordinary? I'm not sure if it's ordinary or not. But it's not how we run our household here. If both spouses are Christian then I don't see it as the wife's job to 'police' or 'mother' her husband or set the moral parameters of the home. The husband is accountable to the Lord. I think boundaries are a very healthy thing in a marriage/family relationship...but that is an entirely different thing than a wife who tells her husband what he can and cannot do, if that makes sense...

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:16:05 PM)
but if she has to...

clag4christ -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:19:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cdef but if she has to... Like I said before...setting boundaries is different from 'mothering' a husband. For her own saftey, separating her finances from her husband would be beneficial...telling her husband that she will not allow porn in their home (while installing a good filter on their pc or removing te pc completely from the home) is good...those things are boundaries. That is not mothering...

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:22:00 PM)
Okay. Thank you. That's what I mean.

JJB1222 -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:31:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: clag4christ The husband is accountable to the Lord. I think boundaries are a very healthy thing in a marriage/family relationship...but that is an entirely different thing than a wife who tells her husband what he can and cannot do, if that makes sense... It make sense to me. I also believe the husband is accountable to the Lord. And a wife must have faith that whatever the husband is struggling with, the HS will step in and intercede. I do not believe that a wife that "preaches" to her husband will achieve the results she hope for. I say this from experience...a few times I tried it and it blew up in my face. "Don't preach to me". I think I have learned that God has him covered. As long as I am taking my concerns straight to the Lord, I have to believe God will take care of my DH. And I've seen the Lord's providence shine when I handle it that way. Sometimes it takes longer that we want, but it does happen. Now I'm wondering if I'm making sense... [&:] With that said...it still doesn't solve your friends immediate problem. The best free counseling I can think of is your friend's pastor. Why not start there? I certainly would. Encourage her not to worry about how her pastor will judge her or her husband. Maybe you can go with her.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:42:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JJB1222 With that said...it still doesn't solve your friends immediate problem. The best free counseling I can think of is your friend's pastor. Why not start there? I certainly would. Encourage her not to worry about how her pastor will judge her or her husband. Maybe you can go with her. I have actually spoken to their pastor a couple times, and he seems like a nice guy, but their church is quite large...a mega church? In large churches, do they go to the pastor with things like this or to someone else. Of course, they would know...sorry. Thank you.

JJB1222 -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 3:46:31 PM)
No prob! So...you think out loud, too? I'm always doing that. [;)]

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/6/2008 4:01:01 PM)
heh heh, yep! [:D]

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/7/2008 8:36:00 AM)
quote: In large churches, do they go to the pastor with things like this or to someone else. Of course, they would know...sorry. Thank you. Our church is very large, and they have a pastor specifically designated to deal with marriage/family issues and provide counselling. Just have her call the church office and ask them who is in charge of the marriage/family ministries.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/7/2008 2:24:31 PM)
Okay, 3cappuccinosmom. Well, I decided that what I was writing needed its own thread where both women and men could answer. I put it on http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_3687621/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3687621. With regard to what I wrote there, I am crying out here because this lady, my relative and friend, has had to take on the leadership role in her family, as I have found myself doing in my own past, because the man this note is about has stepped back from his proper disciplined place of leadership.

cdef -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/7/2008 2:45:09 PM)
Well, I guess I asked the wrong question. I did not intend to ruffle feathers. I am sorry.

verdigris -> RE: Questions to other marrieds about husbands (8/12/2008 9:50:31 AM)
Another great site: www.settingcaptivesfree.com. Also, Teen Challenge offers help for men struggling with serious addictions of ANY kind. As far as their marriage, the best thing she can do is keep being the best wife she can be, letting him know she forgives him, loves him, still respects him, and wants more for him - that his relationship with God be restored. She can PRAY for him.

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