Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (Full Version)

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SkillfullGourmet -> Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 3:23:09 AM)

3 years ago my husband and I finished school and moved to a new area where I began a career as a nurse and he invested $30,000 to start a business. We bought a house and planned our finances around him making an income within a year (stupid, I know).

For a variety of reasons, the business has not been a great success. It has never done much more than make money that needs to be put back into it to keep it going. Very depressing for myself and my husband, who does work hard on it in his own way, even though he's proven to have some time-management and motivation issues when working on his own and not being held accountable to a boss.

Around the one year mark we discussed that he needed to get a job to supplement the business. I started working 50 hours a week at the hospital. After a year of working overtime I was getting burned out and resentful. He would pick up an odd job here or there, but mostly he would spend time on his business, his writing (he's writing a book), or various other (non-money making) interests. His friends all think he has a sweet deal. I am proud that he is writing a book and wanted to support that, also he always had "new ideas" to improve the business so it would go better, and promises of a job around the corner, so I just kept working, working....

About a year ago I decided I wanted to change careers. I was burned out of my job and tired of working so much. I told my husband I wanted to switch, but the switch would mean a significant (40%) decrease in income (also because they don't offer the overtime of the old job). I asked him if, after two years of supporting him in his writing and business endeavors, he could step up to the plate and work too, so that I could have this new job and work less hours and have a baby. He said okay. We agreed that he would find a job before I started mine. As I recall, a few job applications were filed but nothing come to fruition.

When I started my new job, he didn't have one yet. I got worried and again requested an intensified search. He did, at one point, wait tables which I was very grateful for but he complained bitterly about it every day ... the bosses, the working conditions, the customers, not enough money, etc. Then he quit after about 1 month.

He's put in job applications to about 6 places and had 2 interviews, but hasn't gotten a job yet. I have told him quite sincerely that I would be overjoyed and filled with gratitude if he got a full-time, benefited job at McDonalds (or something along those lines). I told him that over a year ago, too. But his pride wants something bigger and better (he has a college degree). Plus, he's just not trying that hard. He's convinced himself that his book will make us money (which, while that's a good thing to hope for, makes me VERY nervous to rely on). I want him to feel the desperation I do -- to fill out 100 job applications and take 2 ("non-ideal") jobs if he needs to.

I've been in my new job for 9 months now. We have lived here 3 years and he's made no significant contribution to our income. Because of our lack of income, we can no longer pay our bills. I get phone calls 20+ times a day from people who we owe money (mortgage, student loans, credit cards, etc). I suspect we have about 3 months before we foreclose on our house if things don't turn around. I am also five months pregnant (I honestly believed he would pull himself up by the bootstraps and get a job with me being pregnant).

I could go back to my old job, which I hated, and start working 50 hours a week again. I almost am curious to just keep doing what I'm doing (40 hours a week at a job I like) just to see how bad he'll let it get. Will he let us foreclose before he realizes he should have gotten the job at McDonald's? I want him to pony up and provide for his family no matter how hard or disagreeable it seems to him. I've told him this and he agrees, in theory, but still no job.

He applied for 5 jobs online yesterday. I just don't know at this point if it's another delay tactic (that's what all his previous job endeavors seem like to me in retrospect). I'm at a breaking point.

Am I a total idiot? Am I one of those women that constantly defends the good-for-nothing man in her life no matter what he does to her? He's very loving and good to me in other ways. Do I go back to the old job or do I let our home be foreclosed on and our finances implode? Or do I trust that he'll do the right thing (he's making feeble attempts)? I just can't believe it's come to this and that so much time has gone by.

No one knows how bad things really are for us and I'm always covering for him and saying how his writing is such a big priority for us, etc... I'm in a lot of pain and really confused about the right thing to do. I'm also having a lot of trouble having faith in my husband and respecting him in this.

For those who will ask if we've discussed this, yes we have. He knows that I struggle with fear, resentment, and frustration with his lack of contributing income. I've told him with love at times and with anger at others. He has said all the right things. And, like I said, has agreed with me, apologized, and continued a job search (that I feel is a weak search, but it's something). He is a Christian and agrees his should have a job by now, but maintains that he HAS tried but was unwise in his planning and in his expectation that things would "work out" better for him.

Thanks for everyone who read this far. I'd really appreciate advice.

ETA: We have our house for sale, at cost, but it has been sitting on the market for almost 3 months now. The walls are really closing in on us in this situation.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 7:57:01 AM)

{{{Skillfull}}}

What a miserable position to be in. [:(] I'm wondering if there is a pastor, or any Godly men at all in his life to whom you could go? He needs a whack upside the head with a 2x4. [&:]

Loving and respecting your husband does not mean covering up and excusing sin. THat doesn't mean you need to go and tell everyone in your address book that he's a loser [;)], but the people who are important to him need to know what is going on because you need help.

Who is taking care of the bills etc.? Is he fully aware of the financial situation you are in, or is that something he has also left to your care?



csl7037 -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 8:01:54 AM)

Wow, SG, I did read your whole post if that's any encouragement to you at all . . . because I don't know what else to say to encourage you. I'm glad you're laying it all on the line for us here, and I'm sure there will be others with more constructive advice. But all I can think to tell you is to please talk to someone closer - someone in your life like your parents or pastor. People here are happy to encourage and help you however they can, I know. But there's only so much we can do or say from here. I feel like you need someone physically in your corner. Especially being pregnant, this is really too much on your plate right now.



SmyLynn1 -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 9:16:28 AM)

I wish I knew the answer. I am in a kind of similar situation. In my case I am definitely a fool. My husband would LOVE to get back to being a McDonalds manager but hasn't made it there.

I am the financial provider. I am disabled with MS which has me bed ridden. I provide from my disability income. In order to get some stuff off my plate I did something I have never done before. I finally told my husband that since I was paying ALL the household bills that he needed to pay all HIS bills on his own (his car pay and insurance and credit cards).

It still is a twisted situation. He, like your husband, had decided to do something to better the situation. He decided to take online college courses and got financial aid from being former military. I was so proud of him and encouraged him. Unfortunately, he has let that fall to the wayside.

When he kept asking to use my laptop (my connection to the outside world) because MY desktop computer he was using had problems. I let him use it at first. Then one day I was in my wheelchair after Dr appointment. I went to my desktop to try some trouble shooting and up on the screen from an IM found messages of a VERY inappropriate nature. He came over and forced the mouse from my hand and shut down the computer. After that I told him if he needed the laptop for schoolwork then he needed to come to the bedroom where I live and do the work there.

Anyway, my efforts to keep him encouraged has now fallen by the wayside. The time has come for me to make sure I am okay. We both have collection calls but I am trying to work out payment plans. My priority is a roof over my head (and my 10 yr old's too) and then food on the fridge. Especially with a baby on the way you may want to focus on having a roof for your new baby and you. He will either wake up or he won't.

Surround yourself with the love of the Lord and you will make it through.



Sadey -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 10:03:13 AM)

I agree that you have to think of this baby you are bringing into the world.
Letting your husband get away with all of this is not helping him I don't even have any advice on what to do with him. Besides it wouldn't do any good for you to be told what he should do[;)] Just makes you feel worse.

But I do have some advice for you. Your health has to come first and with that the baby's health. You may have to start looking for a place that you can afford to pay for by yourself. I'm not saying live without him, I'm saying that since you pretty well know you will be the provider for this family then you find something you can afford to pay for by yourself. Let him pay for all of his expenses and you pay for yours. At least that way you may be able to keep your head above water. Don't try to protect him or his reputation, it just harms him in the long run. You take care of you and the baby. You need some help either your pastor or a counselor. Please take care of yourself and I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. Maybe losing your home will wake him up but nevertheless you don't have the luxury of waiting around for him to wake up! God bless you and your new little one.



SkillfullGourmet -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 10:21:13 AM)

Thanks, Maggie. I think you may be right. Would it be wrong to go to his parents (they are Christians) or should I start with a pastor? He pays all the bills. He's anxious about our financial situation, too. He's focusing now on "I can't believe the house hasn't sold by now!" and "I can't believe they didn't HIRE my at such-and-such company!" and he's upset, too. But the weak job-search and the going to the coffee shop everyday to write continues. I had actually asked him to quit writing until things were more stable for us and he said "okay" initially but has kept writing. I just can't wrap my mind around the lack of initiative here. He's NOT depressed.

CSL -- thanks for reading. I appreciate your kind words and your prayers.

SmyLynn, wow, it is so hard. We can at least pray for each other and our husbands in this. God bless you.

Sadey -- I think your right about looking for a place. I've started to beg God everyday for our house to sell. Never again will I rely on my husband to be a financial contributor, even though I hope and pray that he does.

Does anyone have advice on the Godly thing to do -- go back to the old job and dig us out of the hole myself or just wait and trust my husband and God at this point? Even if it means foreclosing?



pbaribeault -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 11:28:58 AM)

If I could whack your husband, I would (figuratively of course) but I can't. You should be able to rely on your husband, but you can't. If I was in your position, I would cover my own bases... meaning go back to the old unpleasant job that provided for your needs.

Stop telling your husband that you support his writing. It's recreational and expendable. If he can write and provide, fine. If not, he can write when he retires. Same with the business.

You-two are stuck in pipe dreams and wishful thinking. Make this month work, whatever it takes. Dream in your spare time. Once the months are working, then the dreams can have some time and effort.



SkillfullGourmet -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 12:24:10 PM)

ppbaribeault, I can go back to my old job absolutely. I'm going to struggle a lot with resentment, but I can do it. I DO NOT support his writing, as of the last year and he knows that (and, as I said earlier, agreed to stop it but hasn't). He has just finished a book and I am going to reinforce that I DO NOT want him starting a new one until things are fixed (if they're ever going to be).

I have learned my lesson from this and I will not be buying anything (house, car, etc) for the two of us in my name ever again. The mortgage is in my name because I was the one with the real job -- can you believe I did that? We will also have separate bank accounts no matter what.



NotDoneYet -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 1:32:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SkillfullGourmet

3 years ago my husband and I finished school and moved to a new area where I began a career as a nurse and he invested $30,000 to start a business. We bought a house and planned our finances around him making an income within a year (stupid, I know).

For a variety of reasons, the business has not been a great success. It has never done much more than make money that needs to be put back into it to keep it going. Very depressing for myself and my husband, who does work hard on it in his own way, even though he's proven to have some time-management and motivation issues when working on his own and not being held accountable to a boss.

Around the one year mark we discussed that he needed to get a job to supplement the business. I started working 50 hours a week at the hospital. After a year of working overtime I was getting burned out and resentful. He would pick up an odd job here or there, but mostly he would spend time on his business, his writing (he's writing a book), or various other (non-money making) interests. His friends all think he has a sweet deal. I am proud that he is writing a book and wanted to support that, also he always had "new ideas" to improve the business so it would go better, and promises of a job around the corner, so I just kept working, working....

**sounds like somebody was out in lala land and didn't have his feet on the ground.

About a year ago I decided I wanted to change careers. I was burned out of my job and tired of working so much. I told my husband I wanted to switch, but the switch would mean a significant (40%) decrease in income (also because they don't offer the overtime of the old job). I asked him if, after two years of supporting him in his writing and business endeavors, he could step up to the plate and work too, so that I could have this new job and work less hours and have a baby. He said okay. We agreed that he would find a job before I started mine. As I recall, a few job applications were filed but nothing come to fruition.

**You took a 40% decrease in income knowing full good and well he wasn't working?

When I started my new job, he didn't have one yet. I got worried and again requested an intensified search. He did, at one point, wait tables which I was very grateful for but he complained bitterly about it every day ... the bosses, the working conditions, the customers, not enough money, etc. Then he quit after about 1 month.

**Once again...you put the cart before the horse...the appropriate timeline would have been HE find a job that would make up for the lost income THEN you get the job.

He's put in job applications to about 6 places and had 2 interviews, but hasn't gotten a job yet. I have told him quite sincerely that I would be overjoyed and filled with gratitude if he got a full-time, benefited job at McDonalds (or something along those lines). I told him that over a year ago, too. But his pride wants something bigger and better (he has a college degree). Plus, he's just not trying that hard. He's convinced himself that his book will make us money (which, while that's a good thing to hope for, makes me VERY nervous to rely on). I want him to feel the desperation I do -- to fill out 100 job applications and take 2 ("non-ideal") jobs if he needs to.

**It's obvious he feels absolutely NO urgency...you keep getting up and going to work...he hasn't missed any meals.

I've been in my new job for 9 months now. We have lived here 3 years and he's made no significant contribution to our income. Because of our lack of income, we can no longer pay our bills. I get phone calls 20+ times a day from people who we owe money (mortgage, student loans, credit cards, etc). I suspect we have about 3 months before we foreclose on our house if things don't turn around. I am also five months pregnant (I honestly believed he would pull himself up by the bootstraps and get a job with me being pregnant).

**So you CHOSE to bring a child into a VERY unstable situation HOPING he's get his act together?

I could go back to my old job, which I hated, and start working 50 hours a week again. I almost am curious to just keep doing what I'm doing (40 hours a week at a job I like) just to see how bad he'll let it get. Will he let us foreclose before he realizes he should have gotten the job at McDonald's? I want him to pony up and provide for his family no matter how hard or disagreeable it seems to him. I've told him this and he agrees, in theory, but still no job.

He applied for 5 jobs online yesterday. I just don't know at this point if it's another delay tactic (that's what all his previous job endeavors seem like to me in retrospect). I'm at a breaking point.

Am I a total idiot? Am I one of those women that constantly defends the good-for-nothing man in her life no matter what he does to her? He's very loving and good to me in other ways. Do I go back to the old job or do I let our home be foreclosed on and our finances implode? Or do I trust that he'll do the right thing (he's making feeble attempts)? I just can't believe it's come to this and that so much time has gone by.

No one knows how bad things really are for us and I'm always covering for him and saying how his writing is such a big priority for us, etc... I'm in a lot of pain and really confused about the right thing to do. I'm also having a lot of trouble having faith in my husband and respecting him in this.

For those who will ask if we've discussed this, yes we have. He knows that I struggle with fear, resentment, and frustration with his lack of contributing income. I've told him with love at times and with anger at others. He has said all the right things. And, like I said, has agreed with me, apologized, and continued a job search (that I feel is a weak search, but it's something). He is a Christian and agrees his should have a job by now, but maintains that he HAS tried but was unwise in his planning and in his expectation that things would "work out" better for him.

Thanks for everyone who read this far. I'd really appreciate advice.

ETA: We have our house for sale, at cost, but it has been sitting on the market for almost 3 months now. The walls are really closing in on us in this situation.


I think it's time to quit discussing and tell him to either poop or get off the pot...3 years you've supported him...he feels NO need to step up...at all...and to bring a child into this situation? If you can support the family on 50 hours a week as a nurse, then that's what you NEED to do. Whether or not you "enjoy" your job is immaterial when you have a family to support It's all about making sure THEIR needs are met...and with a child on the way, you need to make sure you have the income to do that. Call your creditors, work with them...however, don't do anything about any debts in HIS name (student loans, etc.)
Learn from this lesson...tell him he needs to be on his own because his free ride is OVER. And stick to it.

NDY (who has NO patience for men who can't step up and support their families, or women who defend them)



twoboys -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 1:53:20 PM)

I know how it goes. We've been married 8 years and I can't say my husband has contributed financially yet. Almost 4 years ago now he went back to school so we've lived on loans mostly since then. I work but can't support us by myself. He is done now and just started a new job less than a month ago. Still not bringing in very much. And it's not 40 hours. I want to scream sometimes because he gets it but doesn't. We had to sell our house too. It took 6 months.

I'm thinking about you and want you to know you are not the only one. No matter how bad it got something always happened to pull us through for awhile. Keep your faith :)



TMarkert -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 2:17:31 PM)

Maybe a temporary seperation. Get the old job back and support everyone BUT him, tell him to find an apartment for 6 months and support himself and that when he can prove that he can do at least that, then you'll talk.
I just did this with my wife "K". I pay child support in LARGE amounts to a past woman in my life and I had poor spending habbits with the little that I did get to keep..
K helped me find a budget and I got an efficiency apratment. Quickly learned that the coffee maker was cheaper then the donut shack! Not only learned that I could make things stretch, but that I had the energy to get a 2nd and 3rd job if needed while also doing side work on cars so that I could have some pocket change..

We've since gotten back together and have a new baby on the way. My past bad credits are being paid off slowly, all my accounts are current and being paid by me and I am still on my budget.



pbaribeault -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 3:16:13 PM)

Once the baby arrives and the maternity leave is over, many families live on a single income while the other does the very valuable work of running the household and raising the children. I believe that as a family it is important that children have a full time parent... but I don't believe that has to be the mom.

In this situation, a lot of heartache would be relieved if it was OK (not resented) that the man be a "Mr. Mom" (and do a good job of it). If you could (without resentment) say that, "A home needs one breadwinner and one homemaker, and I'm willing to split those jobs in a non-traditional way." That would not be the same as a no-kids home, with your husband being distracted by his wishful thinking and expending his efforts in ways that are of little use to anyone.

In this scenario, as long as you two were able to view it as an acceptable division of labour, in which you were both doing important work, your husband would be free to write and/or do a home based business in his spare time (such as when the child naps) as long as he was putting his important duties first. This seems like it would suit the two of you well, based on your temperaments and preferences.

I don't mean when the baby is tiny, and dependent on mama's milk etc. but (in my opinion) it is possible, later, for an infant to form that primary bond with the parent of either gender... and I don't think moms suffer more being away from their children for a full time job... dads suffer when they do it too, they just accept that they do it because they should. Perhaps your family is in a good place to accept this kind of thing and thrive.



buckifn -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 3:17:57 PM)

Wow I cannot respect a man who doesn't work and provide for his own family. You know what the Bible says about that right? So I don't need to say more, except it gives us guys a bad name and I would collect cans and sell newspapers on the street corner before I let my wife be the only one providing, esp. when pregnant!!

Try not to panic...if you know you aren't going to make house payments I would suggest you call the mortgage lender asap. They may be able to refer you to some help. I would also suggest you cut the apron strings on all counts do not buy this guy a cup of coffee a piece of bubble gum NOTHING until you know for sure you and your unborn child are provided for.

Ask your Pastor to refer you to someone who can help in the area of financial counseling.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you have someone who is anything but an example of a man who loves his wife. There are temp agencies why can't he get a job there? Or freelance writing for the newspaper, magazine articles, etc?

There has got to be something he can do! You have allowed him to slide by for 2 years so your work is cut out for you. Develop some backbone and let him know in no uncertain terms what you expect or else your days of paying his way are history.

Do you have any family you can count on at all?



SkillfullGourmet -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 3:42:48 PM)

Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate your taking the time to read and reply. I would also appreciate your prayers.

I talked to him again this morning. I told him all of my frustrations and thoughts and fears and what I felt I needed from him and what my perception of his actions and failings was. I think God really gave me the right words to say because I was able to articulate well and without raising my voice, crying, or getting nasty towards him and he listened and had an open attitude to what I said. He agreed with me, which I expected. He also reiterated that he truly thought his previous job interviews were going to "work out" and things just got away from him (which I also expected him to say).

I told him that I was not going to be able to rely on him in any way or plan on his contributions to our family in any way in the future. That all financial planning would be based on my ability to provide for my needs and the needs of my baby. That we would have separate bank accounts and my name would not be tied to any major purchases unless I could easily afford them of my own accord. He did NOT like the idea of separate bank accounts but did listen. I told him it would take many years for me to trust him in this area again.

I told him I was going to get other people involved and asked if he had a preference as to who (pastor, friend, his dad....?) and he asked me to please give him more time before doing that. I asked him how much time he needed and he said a month. I said I would give him 10 days in which he actually had to have a job. He said it can take a lot longer than 10 days to get a job (interview, papers processing, etc...) and I said I didn't care if it was a job at Long John Silver's, he would have a job in 10 days or we would be involving several Christian men in the situation.

I will go back to my old job and work 50 hours a week as before. I pray to God we can sell this house and that he can find a job. I will follow though on my word to not rely on him in any way to provide for the family (but I will CERTAINLY accept his help) and to have separate bank accounts. I pray that he will step up to the plate and help. I am NOT opposed to him being a stay-at-home dad, as long as we have both agreed on it and can afford it, which we haven't at this point and CAN'T with our current mortgage payment.

Anyway, thanks again and please keep praying for us. I will check in with you on the 10th and let you know what happened. Since he didn't specify who he wanted involved in this, I have planned a Christian friend who is 10 years older than him with a wife and three kids along with the pastor of his church who is very relationship-oriented.
God bless.



crankius -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 5:40:56 PM)

Basically, your husband hasn't stepped up in three years, and he isn't taking you seriously. My fear is that you will continue to work hard to support yourself and your baby, and he will continue to be able to slack off and not be the supporter of his family.

My husband says that your husband needs to hear wise counsel from a man--hearing it from a man will mean much more.

Your husband doesn't seem to see that he truly has a real family now who love him and need his support and leadership. It's time to step up and be an adult and a man.


What if you both signed up for financial classes--like Crown Financial Ministries? I think both of you should seek counseling together before this baby arrives.



Sadey -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 6:26:35 PM)

Wow I am so proud of you, you really came through for yourself and your baby. Good for you. The 10 days to find a job blew me away, that had to be a God thing and getting help, and then the separate checking accounts, very wise of you. I'm praying for you and that you will stand firm. You are quite a woman!!!



purplepearl -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 6:51:25 PM)

My husband left me about 1.5 ago pregnant for another woman. I had just quit my job and started my own business when I found out about the other woman, so I understand your situation. This may be contrary to public opinion, but I would stand by your husband and allow him to take the lead in the family, even if that ends in financial destruction. Sometimes God allows a crisis in our lives in order to re-organize our priorities. Your husband probably has never felt like the leader in your household and so he will not all of a sudden begin to act like one because "this time you really need him to". Show your husband that you need him right now and that you have complete confidence in his decisions for your life. Don't be afraid of foreclosure, etc. (my house was on the market 6 months and I though I would die). Your marriage is much more important. God knows about your financial situation and he knows you are pregnant. He is re-aligning things in your life, so let him. Don't get in the "take charge" mode. Instead, surrender it to the Lord and allow your husband to take the proper place in your household. He probably feels like a complete failure with his business and his book not going well. He probably isn't going out and getting a job because he is afraid of failing and he is afraid that he can't be the head of your household. Boost him up. I feel like the world is telling you to do the exact opposite of what you should do. Love him and encourage him instead of running him down and taking over. You may be putting your finances at less of a risk by taking charge, but you are risking your marriage. This is why finances are the #1 reason for divorce. Remember - this is exactly where God wants you to be. This is a life trial. Submit to God and your husband. Enjoy being pregnant and know that God will provide if you fully trust him. I know you are worried about not having a place to live and being embarrassed in front of your family and friends, but you have to surrender this to the Lord. Read Genesis 21:1-19 (the story of Abraham and Isaac). You have to be willing to lose everything in order to keep it. My heart truly goes out to you. God has many blessings in store for you if you are willing to pick up your cross and follow Him.



deermousie -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/3/2008 10:49:44 PM)

If the house is foreclosed and the bank sells it for less than you owe on it, they can give you a big bill for a house you don't even own anymore. I'd give it back to the bank unless you owe more than it's worth; then you're stuck with selling it. Can you rent it out to cover your mortgage payments? Then you won't lose it and in the end it will still be yours.

Your husband is not supporting you. The Bible says he is worse than an unbeliever; he has denied the faith. 1 Tim. 5:8 In my church (PCA, although I don't know if they all do this) he'd be counseled and rebuked and helped by the elders. If he didn't change his ways over a period of months/a year, he'd be excommunicated and shunned by the people of the church. That is meant to be a living illustration of what it's like to be shunned by God, and the goal is recommunication (or whatever you call it). We've done this to a few people (with great tears and weeping) and a few people have turned around and they were folded back in to the body with great rejoicing and tears. We threw a party for a former drunk who is now sober.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Being 5 months pregnant, you're going to need to be off work pretty soon anyway. That baby needs you there more than your husband needs you to earn the family income.

I know it's frightening, but I think it might not be a bad situation to quit working. Tell your husband you can't work anymore and if he doesn't get a job you'll all starve. He'll either do nothing and stop eating (unlikely), get a job, or leave you. Wouldn't you rather know that now before a little kid has to have its father torn out of their life? This might be a bad idea, but think it over and talk to your pastor.

I think getting the elders involved is an excellent idea. That your husband doesn't want you to tells me he doesn't want to do the right thing and may keep stringing you along. "Manana" - "tomorrow." Actually, that really means "not now."

He may be afraid to support his family - fear of failure or fear of boring work. Tough. It's his job.

And pray! God can change your man... or He might not. But He cares for you and that baby (it's from Him) and He will work it out in the end and you'll look back and see His gracious hand superintended all the way. Throw yourself on God (you probably already have. Don't let the sacrifice crawl off the altar! [:D]) and relax as much as you can.

God bless you, dear heart. I am praying. Let us know how it goes; it reminds us to keep praying. (((Hugs)))



Row1 -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 9:11:12 AM)

quote:

If he didn't change his ways over a period of months/a year, he'd be excommunicated and shunned by the people of the church.


Since getting to know many people at my church, I can pretty confidently say that most of us would have been "excommunicated" by now, if we were found to fail to uphold any of the biblical standards. For those I have gotten to know, I would not shun them, recognizing how I continue to be imperfect in my own way.



Auben -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 10:46:40 AM)

Ah...the all important flip-side of being married to an eternal optimist. He means well. It's hard not to love and trust someone so creative, so positive, and who's intentions are so good. It's also hard to disagree when he agrees with you with you all the time. He's reasonable, but things never seem to turn out just right for him.

I'm married to someone similar to that. Not quite so dramatic but it comes out in many ways like your husband...and I must admit I've always loved his heart. And I've often tried to soften things in discussion because I knew how hard he was trying and how hard he was working. I've made things easier for him.

However, I think you've done the right thing. Your husband does need an ultimatum on the job issue and he does need to find some counsel/kick in the pants (although I would say 1 or 2 close friends/relatives over several Christian men...you don't need several men for accountability).

One thing that may help him (and by extension you) might be role playing the next step if things don't turn out. What will you do if you don't get a job by the end of this week? What will you do if the novel isn't published? What will you do if you loose your nursing job? Are on bedrest? etc. etc. Whenever you two make a decision you need to have plans for what to do in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year if things don't change. Look over all the eventualities. Being a big picture person your Dh hasn't done that so far. He's trusted that things will work out. You've been making all the fall-back plans; you've been saving the day. If you can both plan together for these things he will get some vital practice in the unpredictability of life. He'll be forced to see some of the details of working through life.

I wish you the best. Just remember that despite this your husband has many positive qualities. It's not that he doesn't want to care for you but he doesn't see all the details that are scaring you and he hasn't been forced to think about them at length before. He assumes something will turn up. He needs some practice planning for both positive and negative outcomes and then he needs to step into action when the need arises.



crankius -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 10:51:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

What if you both signed up for financial classes--like Crown Financial Ministries? I think both of you should seek counseling together before this baby arrives.


I asked this earlier. Please check into this. I think you would find the benefits would be much more than just financial.



stamper_ben -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 11:06:25 AM)

When I was in-between jobs at one time and I had many applications out there and was waiting for the job offers to "pour in" I took a job delivering newspapers every day. Worked that job until the retail store stockroom job happened. Then it was after that that the job in my field came up.

Bottom line was and is that I HAD to provide for my family! I couldn't wait for the "right" job to fall into my lap. Don't think for a minute that the paper delivery or the stockroom jobs were what I wanted. But I'd have done whatever was needed to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.

I wish more young people had the work ethic of our fathers...



SkillfullGourmet -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 1:13:34 PM)

Auben, thanks. You totally got it.

Thanks to everyone else to for support and advice. I don't think we really need a financial class (of course, I'm sure it's very good and we could learn something) because we're not bad with money -- we just have to have *some*. :)



crankius -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 1:36:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SkillfullGourmet

Auben, thanks. You totally got it.

Thanks to everyone else to for support and advice. I don't think we really need a financial class (of course, I'm sure it's very good and we could learn something) because we're not bad with money -- we just have to have *some*. :)


[&:]There is a link there...

Your husband lacks concrete understanding of finances and supporting his family. Getting on the same page financially in your marriage is so much more than just having money.



purplepearl -> RE: Am I a Total Fool? (long and desperate post) (8/4/2008 1:58:42 PM)

Crankius - okay - I am going to use your quote against the popular opinion of this forum:

"Do not be overly righteous, nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?"

Wow. I hear a lot of selfrighteous speak in here. I am sticky from it.



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