Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce?

Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (Full Version)

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countryqueen -> Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/2/2008 4:02:40 PM)
I have lived with it for the past 10 years and when I think it is getting better, something stirs inside me to bring back the anger, pain and hurt. I pray a lot about it and for my kids as I see their pain at times too. My husband and I were married 15 years and had 5 children. He was my best friend, an incredible father, a good provider, and just the most wonderful man I could ever imagine. We were the family that everyone thought had it so together, don't get me wrong, we had our disagreements, but always worked through them. We were invloved in coaching, scouts, went to church together, camping and family vacations. We talked about what it would be like when the last one left home and how we would get matching rockers and watch our grandchildren play. His one flaw, he was an alcoholic. We dealt with this and finally I thought my prayers were answered. About 13 years into or marriage, he went to AA and got sober. I was thrilled, but things started to be a bit different. He stayed later at work, and although he was overweight, he tried to convince me that he was at the gym daily. I trusted him and believed him, he would never do anything to hurt me or our kids. After about 6 months, he moved out to "find" himself. He continued to come over and it was like we were dating again. I found a good marriage couselor. We went and our marriage got stronger and he moved back in with us. We continued to see the counselor, until one day in August of 1998 he stood up and announced that he could no longer work on our marriage and ran out of the office. I was in shock! He moved out once again and we didn't hear from him for sometime. In Jan 1999, I was at one of my son's basketball games when my husband announced that he had twin girls with a woman from AA and the were almost a year old. I felt as if I was going to die! And truthfully part of me did, but I had to be strong as I had 5 kids to take care of. We finally divorced in 2000. I was and am, angry that some drunk took my husband from his family, angry that he choose her over the 6 of us, angry that he never apologized to any of us, angry that my kids still loved him, angry that he didn't show up for the kids when they sat on the steps waiting for him, angry that I had to force my kids into his car when he did show up and had to run down the street holding the door closed so my 8 year old son wouldn't jump out of the car, angry that woman was sleeping with my husband with my kids in the house, I could go on. It has been almost 10 years now since he left us. The pain and hurt is still there, but my kids have had to deal with it too. We went to Alanon, Alateen, and couseling. The hubby and her split up within months, he is now raising the twins on his own as she couldn't stay sober and clean so the state took all 4 of her kids from her. He has destroyed his relationship with our 5 kids, but not my problem, I can't force them to have a relationship with him. I am still angry that he hurt my kids and that he betrayed me. I did remarry, probably shouldn't have it isn't fair to my husband now. This pain and anger I still have prevents me from having a good healthy loving relationship. In fact we are more like roommates and not even good friends. We both married on the rebound him after 25 years and me after 15 years of marriage both marriages ended because of infidelity, but my heart won't be the same. Over the years, I have put up a huge barrier so that I can't and won't be hurt again. I am at the point where I just don't want to be married to anyone and we have discussed divorce on many occassions. On the other hand, my kids and I have an incredibly strong and close relationship and I do enjoy my grandkids. However I feel as if a part of me has died and although I have God, my kids and grandkids, and friends, there is still a huge void in my life. Does this ever pass? Is their life after betrayal? How can you open your heart and trust again?

scottmcc1 -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/2/2008 9:52:10 PM)
Isaiah 50:10 "Who is among you that fears the Lord, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God" You have probably heard all the answers. But I will say this. Don't give up on God helping you. Continue to pray. I don't have anywhere near the problems you have, but here are the Scriptures that I pray over when I have a lingering problem. Heb 5:7 Luke 19:41 Ps 126:5,6 Ps 30:5 Isaiah 16:9,11 Isa. 21:3,4 Isa 22:4,12 Isa 26:17 Ps 6:8 Amos 6:1,6 Isa 42:14 Lam 3:48-51 Jer 14:17 Jer 13:17 Ps 119:136 James 4:9 Neh 1:4 Joel 2:12 2 Tim 1:4 Ps 42:3 Ps 30:5

NotDoneYet -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/2/2008 10:51:57 PM)
At some point you have to choose to let the past be the past. Holding on to the anger and pain and hurt is hurting no one but yourself. It's sorta like poison...if you drink a little bit every day, it won't kill you right away, but the cumulative effects will. It's time to let it go...it's not serving any useful purpose... And, yes, I'm talking from experience...a 7 year HIGHLY abusive marriage, thrown out of my home at the mouth of a 30-30 Winchester...an X who said he'd see me dead in a gutter, 3 children who dealt with the pain of his abuse...along with 2 others I was no longer permitted to see... BUT...there IS health, wholeness and happiness available to you...I'm remarried, almost 10 years now...a GOOD marriage that has been through thick and thin... Please, for your sake...it's time to let go of it all... NDY

ChoirDJ -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/2/2008 11:28:02 PM)
Hello countryqueen, I strongly suggest you consider attending a DivorceCare Group in your area if one is available. You admittedly went into another marriage with unfinished business from your first marriage and the chances are very high that this unfinished business will ruin your current marriage. Ideally, people should go to these groups before they get into another relationship but the principles that are discussed will certainly help you even though you are already married. I can't emphasis enough that the more you dwell on the past, the more you give him the power to torment you. A breakdown in the marriage is never just one person's fault and as long as you focus on being angry at him for the things he did, you wont be able to objectively look at what you did to contribute to the breakdown. It sounds like you may repeating some of those same mistakes in your current marriage as you acknowledge the pain and anger is preventing you from having a close and loving relationship with your current spouse. I too am recently divorced due to my ex's infidelity and I found it very helpful to not allow myself to dwell on all the details of how she hurt me. Believe it or not, our minds our like a TV program and we have the ability to change the "channel" at any time. The past is done and no amount of dwelling on it will ever change that. Decide today to have a healthy future and make the best out of your current marriage even though you married under less than ideal circumstances.

laura... -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/4/2008 3:42:33 PM)
quote: Does this ever pass? Is their life after betrayal? How can you open your heart and trust again? Yes. This does pass, there is life after betrayal and you can open your heart and trust again. However, those things will never happen unless you take the very first step. By the way, the first step is the hardest... It's called forgiveness. You have to forgive your exhusband. Forgiveness does not mean that you believe what he did was okay or right. It does not mean reconcilliation or even forgetting. What forgiveness does mean is that you release the debt he owes you. You let go of demanding or expecting anything from him in return for what he did to you, your children and your marriage. I recommend that you sit down in a quiet time (you may have to go away for a weekend to find that quiet time) and make a list of everything that you lost when he walked out the door. Then make a list of what your heart tells you that he owes you in return (his debt to you). When you have completed those lists, ask the Holy Spirit to remind you of anything you haven't put on the lists. Then, verbally forgive him for each and every one of those debts. This is a hard and painful process but it works. You will hit things that will cause your heart to say, "I cannot forgive this. I cannot let that go." When that happens, ask Jesus to help you and do it. Remember the great debt that Jesus has forgiven of you. Unforgiveness is a chain around your heart and soul. Only forgiveness will set you free.

revbob4God -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/4/2008 4:43:09 PM)
quote: I did remarry, probably shouldn't have it isn't fair to my husband now. This pain and anger I still have prevents me from having a good healthy loving relationship. In fact we are more like roommates and not even good friends. We both married on the rebound him after 25 years and me after 15 years of marriage both marriages ended because of infidelity, but my heart won't be the same. Over the years, I have put up a huge barrier so that I can't and won't be hurt again. I am at the point where I just don't want to be married to anyone and we have discussed divorce on many occassions. On the other hand, my kids and I have an incredibly strong and close relationship and I do enjoy my grandkids. However I feel as if a part of me has died and although I have God, my kids and grandkids, and friends, there is still a huge void in my life. Does this ever pass? Is their life after betrayal? How can you open your heart and trust again? Let go of the past and its pain, and every day, meditate on what you want your life to be. Pray that you can release yourself from the sadness and the bonds of what was, and begin to open communication with your current spouse. If there is a divorce after care group near you, go together. There is no time limit on when you can join, the importance is that you learn not only to forgive, but to let go and prepare to live the life you have been promised, as a worthy child of God.

Focusing -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/10/2008 11:04:49 PM)
Do you ever get over the pain and hurt of divorce? (((((countryqueen))))) The answer is Yes. And the answer is No. Forgiveness is the first and most difficult step, as Laura posted. It is a heartwrenching process. It was hard to do. My spiritual mom gave me some excellent advice: when I forgave my ex for all I was angry with him for having done, I wrote it down. She suggested writing it down on the inside flap of my Bible, but I was actually doing a Bible study on forgiveness, and I wrote it down right there in the study guide. There were many times that the bitterness came back up, and I had to look at my note again ... that I had already forgiven him. And I would do it over and over in my heart. The anger and bitterness subsided, and I found it easy to pray for him, his happiness, his health every night when saying prayers with our son. To me, if I can pray for someone's well being from a sincere heart, I cannot be holding them in a place of anger or hatred. And, yes, there were nights when I found it difficult, and I had to search my heart and ask myself why. I will always be grateful for having forgiven him. He passed away less than two months ago, and I cannot possibly imagine how I would have felt if I had not gone through that process. By continuing to hold the anger towards him, you are still allowing him to have power over your life and your emotions. Forgiveness will help you give that power to God, where it rightfully belongs. Forgiveness is something you need to extend towards him, even if only in your heart, so that you can move forward with your life now. The other thing you need to do is confess all this to God. Give it to Him, because He is waiting patiently and lovingly for you to hand it over. He is more than happy to take it from you. Once you have given it over to God, then you can focus on strengthening your relationship with the Lord, and in turn strengthen your relationship with your current husband. It's important to know that it's okay to hurt. We all go through experiences, seasons in life, where we hurt. What's not okay is to bury the hurt, when you do this it has a nasty habit of resurfacing. It needs to be dealt with. As difficult as it will be, dealing with it, facing it head on, is the only way to heal from it. How can you open your heart and trust again? A little at a time. It was hard for me to learn to trust again. There are a handful of close friends in my life that I can trust. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions over these past few years. And I have not enjoyed it, but it's okay. My friends have been there to give an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, words of wisdom, and make wisecracks to make me see humor in the whole situation. Do you have a support group of friends? Girlfriends that you can hang out with and just let it out? That know what you have been through and are willing to go the distance with you? Friends are important. People God places in our lives to share the good times and the bad times with. That make you laugh when you need a good laugh, and let you cry when you need to cry. I will confess that there are times when the hurt comes creeping back. Even though I have forgiven and I have given it all to God, there are times when the memories, or pieces of the memories come back. I have learned to view them as a new lesson that God has decided I am ready to learn in a new season in my life. Instead of dreading them, I have learned to persevere and keep myself open to His guidance. It isn't always easy, but our past is a part of who we are. We have become who we are through those experiences. Let God use your past to continue strengthening who you are and who you will become.

Butterflytearz -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/16/2008 2:41:40 PM)
quote: Do you ever get over the pain and hurt of divorce? You can go on,, but you don't really ever forget

MC4JC -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (8/16/2008 3:58:11 PM)
You can get past the pain of divorce. After mine (which abuse was the main problem) it was years before I could really forgive my ex for the abuse he did to me and some to our son. I hated him for a long time; even with God's help it was hard to let go and not keep the hatred in my heart. But thru church, scripture, pastor preaching, I realized that I could not be free of things until I forgave him. I had a long talk with God and he knows the hurt and pain I went thru. I finally decided that I had to forgive if God was to forgive me for everything in the past. Even tho my ex doesn't know verbally, God knows and that's what is important. DH had to do the same with his ex - he had to really forgive her for the adultry that caused the divorce. Once we were free of things, we have both moved on and have a strong marriage according to what God wants. The proof was at our son's wedding - there was no fighting, harsh remarks, and we actually had a semi-conversation without the hate tones. While we did not sit at the same table, we still all got along. We wanted to get to know the "other side" of the family - our new DIL so we sat with them :) It's hard to let go, but if you don't, you cannot move on to something better that God has in store for you :)

divorcingmyself -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (9/13/2008 3:33:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: scottmcc1 Isaiah 50:10 "Who is among you that fears the Lord, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God" You have probably heard all the answers. But I will say this. Don't give up on God helping you. Continue to pray. I don't have anywhere near the problems you have, but here are the Scriptures that I pray over when I have a lingering problem. Heb 5:7 Luke 19:41 Ps 126:5,6 Ps 30:5 Isaiah 16:9,11 Isa. 21:3,4 Isa 22:4,12 Isa 26:17 Ps 6:8 Amos 6:1,6 Isa 42:14 Lam 3:48-51 Jer 14:17 Jer 13:17 Ps 119:136 James 4:9 Neh 1:4 Joel 2:12 2 Tim 1:4 Ps 42:3 Ps 30:5 I'd add 2 Corinthians 1:6, Philippians 1:28 (I discuss these at your health) and 1 Corinthians 13:5 (discussed here)

Kath -> RE: Do you ever get past the pain and hurt of divorce? (9/13/2008 6:28:18 PM)
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