How far do you go for a friendship? (Full Version)

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TorchHeart -> How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 10:57:45 AM)

If you have a friend who you are close to, but is pushing you away... how far would you go for that person to remain their friend? Or at what point would you simply say to heck with it?



evryknee -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 1:07:25 PM)

I guess I'd ask to make sure if my interpretations are correct in that they are pushing me away. Maybe their busy...IDK. In doing so, I'd talk with them to see if there has been any offense, ask them to go out if not, make as much as I can right. If they still have no interest anymore, then I'd just leave the relationship in their hands....keeping an open invitation, but not forcing it.



agapetos -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 6:19:26 PM)

How long have you been friends? What reasons could there be for your friend pushing you away? Are you sure that they're pushing you away and it's not that you're simply invading too much into their life?

I think you need to talk to your friend and find out if they're ok.



Psalms274 -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 8:03:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart

If you have a friend who you are close to, but is pushing you away... how far would you go for that person to remain their friend? Or at what point would you simply say to heck with it?


I would never say the heck with it ... but I would also give them the space they need. Probably keep in touch by writing a note every few weeks (and maybe as/if time went on, every few months) letting them know they are being prayed for .. that way whenever they are ready to renew ties they will know the door is always open.



Chrystal-J-007 -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 8:51:42 PM)

I wouldn't contact them, but I would make it clear that I was keeping the door open. (If I wanted to keep the friendship.) Something like: "Call me--I'd like to hear form you." But, I wouldn't push. They might be having personal issues that they need to get through before they can respond.
And I would pray about it too.



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 10:01:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chrystal-J-007


And I would pray about it too.


That hasn't done me a lot of good. Other thoughts?



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 10:05:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

How long have you been friends? What reasons could there be for your friend pushing you away? Are you sure that they're pushing you away and it's not that you're simply invading too much into their life?

I think you need to talk to your friend and find out if they're ok.


1) Its a hard question to answer. a long time, and not so long a time.

2) I'm not a good person, to start with. Without getting into a lot of details, I'm someone that they want in their life, but I guess I'm more of a hazard or an obstical than anything else to them. I'm afraid that they feel I'm keeping them from going on with their life. And until now, that was ok. But I've done some stupid stuff. And even I don't like me, now.

3) I don't think I'm invading their life too much. At least, I wasn't at one time. They invaded mine, originally And now I'm kind of stuck.



pbaribeault -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (7/31/2008 10:36:50 PM)

I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who didn't want to be friends with me, let alone some who I thought didn't like me... But then I don't have any friendships that are so close that they would prevent me from doing anything I thought would be good for my life, nor the other way around. Are you certain that this is a healthy relationship? Why do you feel stuck?



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 9:53:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who didn't want to be friends with me, let alone some who I thought didn't like me... But then I don't have any friendships that are so close that they would prevent me from doing anything I thought would be good for my life, nor the other way around. Are you certain that this is a healthy relationship? Why do you feel stuck?


I never said that we didn't want to be friends with one another. That's never been conveyed.



bluestone -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 9:56:32 AM)

I would back off and let the person figure out what their problem is.

Anything on your part may be seen as smothering, and that freaks people out.



pbaribeault -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 11:43:13 AM)

TorchHeart, I must be confused.

I thought you said the person was pushing you away. Do you mean that they are looking for a more distant form of friendship? If that's what they want, I don't see how or why you would want to change their mind about it.

What sorts of things do you imagine doing in order to try and maintain your preferred level of closeness in friendship? Why is it a problem that they would rather not be so close? What would be the point in pursuing that closeness if the other person clearly does not want it? (It's not very respectful, and I'm not sure that it would do anyone any good.)

If a person was pushing me away, I'd acknowledge their desire, maybe ask them what they would prefer, but definitely respect what they told me or were showing me by their actions. I would do absolutely nothing to try and make a friendship stronger than the other person wanted it to be.

If loosing the closeness made me sad, I'd try to manage my emotions... but I wouldn't try to manage the other person to make myself feel better about the relationship.



agapetos -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 11:49:28 AM)

quote:

TorchHeart, I must be confused.
Me too.

quote:

I'm not a good person, to start with. Without getting into a lot of details, I'm someone that they want in their life, but I guess I'm more of a hazard or an obstical than anything else to them. I'm afraid that they feel I'm keeping them from going on with their life. And until now, that was ok. But I've done some stupid stuff. And even I don't like me, now.
I don't need to know the detail, but we all do bad and stupid things at times. The thing that we need to do is learn from them and attempt to not repeat them again. No matter how bad or stupid we feel we are, we can be forgiven by God.

I will say again that you need to talk to your friend ~ or write your thoughts down and give them a letter.



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 12:20:17 PM)

I feel like they're pushing me away. I did/said some things recently, and I hurt them.... bad enough to get them to stop talking to me for a while, and pull back. We're talking again, but its definitely different. I've been praying about it and trying to find ways to reconcile what I did, but that doesn't seem to help. I worry that God will ever help me put this back together.

She's one of my best friends, but after things have gone like this, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm right in trying to patch things up, or even how.



agapetos -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 12:33:19 PM)

You say you did/said something stupid that caused her to pull away but you're talking again now.

Did you actually apologise to her for what you did/said and have you both spoken about it.

Sometimes we hurt people so deeply there is no way back. Sometimes we hurt people and we are able to work out the problem. Sometimes it takes time for the other persons hurt to be healed though.

quote:

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm right in trying to patch things up, or even how.
By not making the same mistake again? By giving her time so that she can see you are trying to change. By giving her some space to heal (if this is what she needs) but not cutting her out of your life.

Again, if you haven't apologised, do so and perhaps ask her if there is anything that you can do to help sort things out.



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 12:51:32 PM)

I've apologized a number of times. She doesn't want to talk about what happened, though.



agapetos -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/1/2008 7:24:12 PM)

Then you need to respect her wishes, and not keep bringing it up. And you need to show her you mean your apology by thinking before you step in and do/say something that will hurt her.

There may come a time when she wants/needs to discuss it, but that time doesn't seem to be now.



preserved -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/5/2008 2:13:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart

I feel like they're pushing me away. I did/said some things recently, and I hurt them.... bad enough to get them to stop talking to me for a while, and pull back. We're talking again, but its definitely different. I've been praying about it and trying to find ways to reconcile what I did, but that doesn't seem to help. I worry that God will ever help me put this back together.

She's one of my best friends, but after things have gone like this, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm right in trying to patch things up, or even how.


You indicated that you've apologize and yet she still pulled back...Could be what ever was said was so hurtful and to come from a friend...Sometimes people have to back away to heal or overcome the statement that made...The best you can do at this point is to leave it alone. Best friends do not hurt each other with wordsor in deeds... Leave it alone God is going to have to correct this...Just be careful of what you say or do!



manda59 -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/5/2008 9:31:51 PM)

Leave her be. Give her space.

If she really is your friend, she will come back to you of her own accord, you won't have to make it happen. And constantly trying to cajole and coax can come across as being clingy and needy, and that's likely to make someone run even more in the other direction.

Stop beating yourself up and making a martyr of yourself. She's known you long enough to know you meant well. So maybe it's her that's being unreasonable here, not you.

So have some dignity and step back. Leave her to work things through. Trust God for the outcome and stop trying to make things happen yourself. Let God be God in this. Let Go.



smilingcutie -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/7/2008 12:05:56 AM)

A true friendship is something really special to have. If i ever felt that my friendship with someone was dying i would do whatever i can to revive it. Even if you lose touch with an old friend, try to contact them once in a while. Find out how they are and what they are doing. Unless of course the friend completely stabbed you in the back, then I would back off. I actually met my best friend through a website (LordsMessage.com) Crazy, huh?



Hislittleone -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/7/2008 11:10:33 AM)

TorchHeart, if this best friend is the same friend as the one you mentioned here....

quote:

Its a long story, but I'll give you the abrieviated version (call it being merciful. )

I have a friend of mine who I used to date (about 10 years ago). She and I are close, partially because of how our relationship ended and we were out of contact for a long time afterwards (religious differences).

My wife has a problem with the fact that I'm still in contact with her. I do love my wife, and would never leave her for my old flame, but I do care a lot about my ex and don't want to break off contact with her.

Suggestions on handling this?

(Also, any prayers that this can be resolved in my life would be appreciated. I'd like it to be so that I can still have a relationship *NON PHYSICAL* with my ex, without my wife feeling threatened. Though I'm willing to do whatever God sees as being the correct choice.)


I would say that perhaps you are being shown "what God sees as the correct choice". This friendship seems to be consuming much of your emotional energy and appears to be a source of contention in your marriage (just going on the fact your wife isn't happy about it). So for your particular situation I'd say it's time to let the friendship go.

If this isn't your ex-girlfriend and is a different person than the one you were asking about in your other thread, I'd say that if you've apologized and asked forgiveness then that's all you can do. If there's any way you can make restitution for the wrong you've committed then do it. But after all of that it is up to your friend to forgive and either choose to keep the friendship or not. Follow her lead.

On a more personal note though, if this is a different female friend than the ex-girlfriend mentioned in your other thread, I'd say that perhaps you have too many female friends that are taking time and attention that should go towards your wife and child.

You said that you're a bad person. Well, we are all bad people aren't we? That's what makes God's grace and mercy so beautiful.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/7/2008 12:59:39 PM)

If the friend is pushing you away ... back off from that person.
You may have to accept that the person you hurt doesn't
want the same kind of relationship with you any more.



TorchHeart -> RE: How far do you go for a friendship? (8/7/2008 1:22:31 PM)

Thank you for your time, everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to answer my question.



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