When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (Full Version)

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LivingNdaLight -> When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 2:44:11 AM)

I've been courting an older christian gent for about a year now. We have had good days and bad days but lately ... Anyway. there was a post of "which do you prefer being married or single" and I asked him. So needless to say he said that he wants to be single "right now" and I want to be married but not "right now" because I know that there are some things that God has to work out in me. Should I have gotten mad? His answer sent me spinning -- do I stay knowing that I want marriage? Should I just leave now because we appear not to be on the same path? Should I be patient? As you can tell, I can go on for days with the questions. So basically I want to know what are your thoughts -- let me know if you are married or single

Thanking you in advance for allowing God to work though you to help me! ;~)



42servehymn -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 5:33:08 AM)

I think you shouldn't ask questions if you are not prepared to hear the answer to. That being said I think you should continue your search. Hoping he will change will probably aggravate both of you. I have been married for 25 years.



scottiezsister -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 5:41:26 AM)

You two want different things. He wants to stay single, you want to be married. You have to decide if want to and can wait for him. If you are waiting for him, you can't pressure him. You could still be his friend yet date and be open to other men. Don't block your blessings with this guy while he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I truly empathize with you as I have been in a similar situation. Of course pray on it and ask God what you should do.



agapetos -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 6:39:41 AM)

How long are you willing to wait for this guy?

Years back I had a friend who started to court a guy and he proposed to her (she accepted). She would have got married the next day, he didn't though ~ and they were both very strong Christians ~ he wanted to marry and he wanted to marry her, but he didn't want to 'get tied down'!

She didn't harrass him about it, but they were married within 6 months of him proposing.

Sounds as though the guy was being honest with you about his future. You need to talk to him honestly though about the way you feel about him and the way he feels about you.



MWD -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 7:11:05 AM)

I agree with SS. 1) He may see the age gap as a barrier. 2) He may see the bad days interspersed with the good days as a warning sign. 3) You say God has to work some things out in you, so he may see you as a work in progress, and that's another warning sign. 4) He may not see himself ever being married (or married again, as the case may be) due to his own age. 5) What he has with you may satisfy 90% of what he needs with respect to female companionship, and maybe he's learned that there are few things a single man could possibly enjoy more than a warm, close, spiritual friendship with a single woman where there are strong undercurrents of attraction about which nothing will ever be done. (And that last part is crucial, but it's just as crucial for both people to have that non-goal in mind as a long-term goal for the relationship. I don't see that happening if one person has marriage in mind, because it would pull the other person off his/her emotional sweet spot.)

Maybe he'd take 5 the rest of the way to marriage, were it not for 1-4.



sudden -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 1:51:10 PM)

A year is a long time to invest in a relationship where you are both on different paths. There is no point in becoming angry unless he promised you something more in the past and in any case he is not ready to deliver it now either. I say cut your losses and move onto someone who is of a like mind. If you have bad days together and you are not married...doesn't sound too promising anyhow.

It sounds as if you know what to do anyway but just need the encouragement to do it.

Sudden



sisrev -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 2:52:06 PM)

What's the difference between one person saying they want to be single right now (which signals to me that they would like to be married sometime in the future, but they don't feel they are ready right now) and someone else saying they want to be married, but not right now (which also signals to me that they would like to be married sometime in the future, but they don't feel they are ready right now)??

Sounds to me like both of you would be interested in marriage in the future, but do not feel ready for marriage at this time, for whatever reason.

If you have a year-long relationship, and are interested in marriage in the long term, why not just ask him if he sees marriage anywhere in your future together? If you don't feel comfortable doing that after a year-long relationship, then something's not right in the relationship, or you have over-estimated the depth of your relationship to this man.



slushie -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 5:56:45 PM)

What exactly does he mean?

quote:

IF you have a year-long relationship, and are interested in marriage in the long term, why not just ask him if he sees marriage anywhere in your future together?


I'd go with this.



mrsrevbob -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (7/31/2008 6:02:26 PM)

How much older is he?
Also I am a bit confused, was he referring to things God needs to work out in him or in you? I encourage you to communicate with each other.



LivingNdaLight -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/1/2008 12:49:10 AM)

he is 13 years older and divorced for 3 years. We both are referring to things God need to work out in us. We talk but it seems that we might be afraid to hurt the others feelings or that is my impression of what I'm doing!



agapetos -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/1/2008 11:34:01 AM)

You can talk to us all you want, but somewhere along the line someone is going to have hurt feelings if you don't talk to each other. Right now, that person sounds like you.

Take a deep breath and talk to this man about how you both feel and see where you stand. It'd be a pity to break up with each other (and both be hurt) because of being scared of hurting each other.

There's probably 20 years between my father and step-mother and they've been married for over 20 years and still very happy. Yes, my father does have some health issues, but he keeps busy and active.



preserved -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/1/2008 8:02:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sisrev

What's the difference between one person saying they want to be single right now (which signals to me that they would like to be married sometime in the future, but they don't feel they are ready right now) and someone else saying they want to be married, but not right now (which also signals to me that they would like to be married sometime in the future, but they don't feel they are ready right now)??

Sounds to me like both of you would be interested in marriage in the future, but do not feel ready for marriage at this time, for whatever reason.

If you have a year-long relationship, and are interested in marriage in the long term, why not just ask him if he sees marriage anywhere in your future together? If you don't feel comfortable doing that after a year-long relationship, then something's not right in the relationship, or you have over-estimated the depth of your relationship to this man.


I have to agree with sisrev....Sounded like to me both of you were saying the same thing...but in a different way...I also get the feeling you may not want to get married right now...but you are looking to be married in the near future...He on the other hand may want to wait a bit....

I also agree with sisrev...ask him if he sees marriage with you in the future...pending on his answer should give you enough to think about what you want to do...Also remember he is 13 years older than you...By the way what is your age?



LivingNdaLight -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/4/2008 5:56:45 PM)

I'm 36.

We have talked and I thank everyone of you who have given me the courage to do so!!!!



smilingcutie -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/6/2008 11:52:48 PM)

I had a friend who faced the same problem: She wanted more from her relationship with her boyfriend than he wanted. They ended up breaking things off because they wanted different things and he wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage and she did not want to wait forever.

She's really happy now because she met someone new and he is perfect for her.

(They met on the website LordsMessage.com just in case anyone is interested)



georgerobbyjr -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/7/2008 12:21:11 AM)

This man has only been divorced for 3 years. If he says he never wants to be married again you should break it off, if he just wants to be single now and isn't sure what the future holds he is like many others. So long as he wants to be with you and isn't adamently against marriage, you should stay together. 13 years is a big gap, are you two comfortable with this?



LivingNdaLight -> RE: When someone tells you that they prefer to be single as opposed to being married "right now" (8/7/2008 6:12:41 PM)

We are comfortable BUT there are times where it bothers our kids. But they laugh and joke it off with good humor.

This has been so wonderful for me because it gave me the courage to just "flat out talk" to him and we have been communicating since.



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