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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:55:47 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1587
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ssintx
I never intended to go through with it, as for why I said I would, I wanted to see if he was serious, maybe he was testing me, I don't know. Im far from home and gave up so much to be with with him. Ive been raped twice, its hard to say no, what good dose that do? it didn't help me before.
No offense, but I do have to wonder if you couldn't benefit from some counciling, too. If you never intended to go through with what he was asking you to do, you shouldn't have agreed to it. Doing so has kind of made things even more difficult because he now probably thinks that he's got you where he wants you. Also, if you've still got issues from when you were raped that keep you from saying "no" to things like this, then I think you might want to seek some professional help to get those things straightened out.
Nobody should have to be pursuaded/forced into a situation like this that could affect their marriage and their relationship with the Lord.
And again, I'd stress that you watch for signs that he might be trying to come onto your daughter with these ideas of his (possibly even pressuring her to experiment with him in these acts). I know you say that he's probably a good man and that he's hooked on a fantasy/sin, and that might be. But from what you've told us, I think you're in a situation that bares some close scrutiny on your part. His "fantasies" and willingness to break your wedding vows (even using the Bible to justify your role in them, in a sense) make me really wonder about him and his motives.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 7:17:00 PM
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JJB1222
Posts: 227
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: where the mountains meet the sea, Puget Sound.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
IMO he deceived you with the marriage and the truth. No one all of a sudden after marriage brings up nudist camps/swinging. He was pretending to be a "Christian" and unfortunately there are many in the church that appear to be Christians but really are under Satan's control. Satan will plant these people in the church.
In this case, I would tell him that if he cannot be true to his vows, then he can leave and file divorce papers. I don't believe God would want you to be continuing this marriage.
I agree with this. It is scary how deceptive satan will be and how far he will go. We sometimes think we are protected within the walls of a church. But that isn't always true. I was engaged to someone who started going to my church, teaching a Sunday school class, was water baptized in front of the whole church, and then proceed to steal from me until my bank account was drained.
You have some pretty big warning signs. My heart goes out to you and I pray that God will give you strength to stand your ground on this.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 9:15:07 AM
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buckifn
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I'm surprised every post I read here judges your husband without encouraging you to communicate with him about this in depth and esp in prayer together.
I do not believe the first step in dealing with marital differences 3 months after the marriage is running the opposite way and thinking of divorce.
The only situation I can think of that merits going that route is if your life is being threatened with violence. I don't hear you saying things that could not be worked through with a Godly counselor, good mentor's, and a lot of prayer and communication.
Sexual sin is no more or less challenging to God than any other. Why not allow Him time to work first?
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 9:30:25 AM
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revbob4God
Posts: 602
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quote:
I'm surprised every post I read here judges your husband without encouraging you to communicate with him about this in depth and esp in prayer together.
I do not believe the first step in dealing with marital differences 3 months after the marriage is running the opposite way and thinking of divorce.
The only situation I can think of that merits going that route is if your life is being threatened with violence. I don't hear you saying things that could not be worked through with a Godly counselor, good mentor's, and a lot of prayer and communication.
Sexual sin is no more or less challenging to God than any other. Why not allow Him time to work first?
Good point. However, My concern is with the fact that THREE months into the marriage, ...Swinging? Also, daughter. Proceed with cauion.
_____________________________
For thus saith the Lord that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I the Lord; and none else.
Isaiah 45:18
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 9:35:22 AM
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lastblast
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: revbob4God
Sister do you have any idea what these moral reprobates do to people's daughters?
Another good point. What kind of relationship does this man have with your daughter, currently? If he's willing to find other partners to have sex with and go into the perversions that he has, I'd kind of wonder if he has ever approached her about his fantasies.
Of course, I could be jumping to conclussions here, too.
That is EXACTLY what I thought when reading this post......................
Poster, you NEED to put your daughter's safety/well-being first. The man you married is far from walking as a Christian man should/would.
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:21:23 AM
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buckifn
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quote:
Poster, you NEED to put your daughter's safety/well-being first. The man you married is far from walking as a Christian man should/would.
Nobody reading this post has anyway of knowing that. What we are hearing is ONE side of a story by one woman who at first entertained the thought of "swinging" by either participating or allowing her husband to be with two females. That is NOT indicative of 1 man's behavior imo.
We are talking about 2 newly weds here, and two people who possibly have a lot to learn as they mature in their marriage and in their Christian walk. Why not encourage them in those aspects instead of saying take the daughter and run?
There is a huge difference between incest and sexual fantasy with other adult's and the op has in no way stated the husband has shown tendencies leaning towards incest, molestation etc.
I would think the best source for help for the problem the op mentioned would be prayer, spiritual guidance, and accountability.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:28:14 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1587
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
There is a huge difference between incest and sexual fantasy
Not to get technical here, buck, but would this even be considered "incest" if the child in question isn't biologically his?
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:33:10 AM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
There is a huge difference between incest and sexual fantasy
Not to get technical here, buck, but would this even be considered "incest" if the child in question isn't biologically his?
technically, it would be
adultery
statutory rape
molestation
a mother regretting she did not separate with the man before it happened.
separation does not mean divorce. It can be a wake up call to the person who is about to lose everything for a moment of sin
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:35:27 AM
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revbob4God
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quote:
separation does not mean divorce. It can be a wake up call to the person who is about to lose everything for a moment of sin
Blue, as always, right on.
_____________________________
For thus saith the Lord that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I the Lord; and none else.
Isaiah 45:18
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:37:31 AM
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TorchHeart
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Again, though, that would be considering that he actually DID this (which, as far as we all know, he has NOT done or even considered, yet).
I do have to agree with buckifn that he hasn't done this, and there's no real indication that he would. Wher I brought it up originally, I did so because the levels of perversion that we were hearing about made me wonder if this COULD be a potential issue, too; not to suggest that he actually did anything to the child.
Looking back, I maybe shouldn't have even mentioned it.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:39:11 AM
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buckifn
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blue
thank you. yes, I forgot that this is not the man's daughter. But in post 8 there was a recommendation for divorce, and I just can't see leaping over so many things that could help and going to a divorce 3 months into a marriage. Can you?
Plus depending on what state she resides in sex with the 17 yr. old may not be a crime at all... not that I am advocating that by any means, but legally the facts are all that would matter for their state to file charges.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 11:57:09 AM
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evryknee
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Since you mentioned that he has been in the Word and studying Scriptures, have you two been able to sit down and talk about what the Scriptures say re: Adultery, secual idolatry, fornication, etc. He liked reading Proverbs, and the beginning of Proverbs says a lot about the adulteress. What is the difference between the adulterer and adulteress? If he uses the argument about both adults being consenting, then my question would be "where is that mentioned in Scripture?" These are some questions to ask him and ways to confront.
Also, have you prayed about this together? The reason I ask is because, though it is obvious in Scripture that this is sin, that God might help open his eyes to hear & understand His Word in regards to the above issues.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 2:18:17 PM
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buckifn
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exactly yz
it's a condition of the heart- 1 we all have to deal with- called sin. The first thing I would do is run as fast as possible from anybody who tells me how to handle sin without including Jesus, and also how to handle my marriage without Christ as the Lead and Guide.
If the typical response here indicates the state of the church in general and how we approach sin, then Lord help us all. Burning people at the stakes was popular in Salem, but I'd like to think it isn't in the church today.
Above all else this man and his wife needs God, spiritual guidance, Christian counseling, and Godly mentor's to guide them in their new marriage.
I give him credit for admitting his sinful desires instead of trying to lie and hide them.
The op said "I don't want to give up on my marriage". I would encourage them both to pursue God's direction with that goal in mind.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 3:22:58 PM
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crankius
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Buckifn,
She may want to talk with him, but if I were in her shoes I would be talking in a counselors office or on the phone, because I would be far away from him while he is in this present state of mind.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ssintx
I have been married for 3 months. I dated my husband for a year. He never missed church and always tried to do the right thing. He feed the homeless and seemed to be a great christian man. He dose quiet time and has been studying the book of proverbs intensly. We rarely, I wanted more but he always said he wanted to concentrate on his walk with the Lord. That and physical problems, I just accepted it. I didn't go to church untill we met. I feel in love with him, he is handsome, accomplished, romantic, I thought I had it all...
We married faster than we wanted due to him getting a new job and having to move 400 miles away. I gave up almost everything I owned to be with him, moved not only myself but my 17 year old daughter. We got settled in and we got the internet. He had mentioned nudist resorts before but said its just natural and absolutly nothing sexual about going there. Well he recently brought up swinging and wanting to have 2 women at the same time. I reluctently went along with it, he placed ads on swinging sites. When he got responses, I was numb with fear. I became withdrawn and very quiet. He can always tell when something is wrong with me. He deleted everything and got mad at me, then he threw up things ive done in the past. I know there are threads on porn but this gose a bit further. I don't want to give up on my marriage. So many "coincidences" let us to being together. I don't know what to do. Help!!
Warning signs:
1. He thinks nudist resorts are "nothing sexual".
2. He thought up swinging, then he brought up swinging, and then he took action by placing ads on swinging sites,
3. Which tells me he uses his online time a bit differently than a Christian who is "a great Christian man" and who "has been studying the book of Proverbs intensely".
4. They are not young folks, as there is a 17-yr-old daughter involved, which tells me they are a bit older and definitely old enough to know better.
5. Until this new husband has his heart/head right with Christ, there is a 17-yr-old girl who needs to be protected--the head of household here wants to enjoy relations with his wife and other women at the same time and posted an ad for such activity--he clearly is NOT protective of his wife and her daughter.
The wife needs to protect her daughter. When her daughter is 18 and on her own, then the mother can place herself back in this man's household if she really wants to. In the mean time, they could be in intensive counseling and Biblical study and prayer. It is pretty clear that the wife also needs intensive counseling on her own.
I just seriously could not place my daughter in a household with a man who has such a deviant heart. Even if he has no intentions towards this daughter--just having such deviant behavior in the household would be enough to make me flee.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 3:30:03 PM
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bluestone
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at three months they should still be honeymooning. the idea that he would want a three ring circus in the bedroom at this point speaks to something much more sinister than just thinking of perversion.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 4:14:28 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3144
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quote:
ORIGINAL :Buckifn
If the typical response here indicates the state of the church in general and how we approach sin, then Lord help us all.
Actually, the more popular trend in the church today is not to address sin at all. Consequently you see so called "Christians" doing stuff like this man.
quote:
I give him credit for admitting his sinful desires instead of trying to lie and hide them.
And that only goes to show he was not ashamed or convicted in any way, shape, or form which further solidifies my point.
< Message edited by Kat_D -- 7/31/2008 4:32:48 PM >
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 4:19:21 PM
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Kerrlaw
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I agree with crankius and Bluestone. These folks should be separated (for the sake of the daughter, if nothing else) while they work on saving the marriage.
Both husband and wife could benefit from good counseling.
_____________________________
That which does not kill us makes us fatter. ~ crankius
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 10:09:13 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
And that only goes to show he was not ashamed or convicted in any way, shape, or form which further solidifies my point.
and you know his thoughts and heart how?
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 10:14:45 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1587
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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Hey guys... no offense, but is whether or not this guy is a real Christian with a problem or just a fraud who tried to bait the original poster in really that important at this point?
I think we should maybe focus more on how she should handle this in the immediate future, rather than start jumping to conclussions.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/31/2008 10:53:46 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4468
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quote:
I think we should maybe focus more on how she should handle this in the immediate future, rather than start jumping to conclussions.
I gave my answer for the immediate future: if it were me--I would flee.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 8/19/2008 7:39:55 PM
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saved_from_wrath
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Nude beaches maybe, they get boring after a while too
I am sorry to this is happening to you. Its really get me thinking what is wrong with the person who wants to swing. Here I am looking to have one intimate with a woman and they do but their looking for something else. Its like they're saying to some reason you're not adequate to sadify me.
I think you are a woman who has everything to satisfy someone's soul.
I am sure that has to hurt your psyche. Does not make you feel that great about yourself when he wants to bring someone in to have sex with. I know a lot friends, on the internet, who do the same thing. i said to them I am not sure if I can mess up my emotions by swinging with someone else. I think the only way you can do it is by taking certain parts out of your brain.
Its usally the person whose seeking has the problem. He not wanting to talk to you about his needs thinking you will say no. There not a lot you can do about that. I would think he might have been jumping around and not telling you. Considered getting an STD test, has he. You do not know what its hiding in his immune system.
So what if you had to move all the stuff. What are you going to do stay in a marriage and you do not think is great and could get worse but you do not have a lot of debt. You might consider just cutting your losses, that is a hard thing for someone to give up.
You can go to a lot of counselors he might not want to go to counseling if hes not willing and does not think anything is wrong with it. I know this does not sound easy take your mulligan and walk away. You might face ridicule from others saying you got divorced that is a lot better than loosing your sanity. Maybe you will find someone whose open to wants to talk about meeting the others needs and not have to out-source them
I hope this makes sense
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 8/20/2008 1:31:58 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 7735
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
It sounds like your husband has some interesting sexual perversions to him.
It sounds like typical sin nature.
What your husband is wanting to do is wrong.
Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." - An adulterer is someone who willfully has sexual intercourse with someone other than his wife.
This isn't upright or holy in the eyes of God, for He said in 1 Corinthians 6:9, the sexually immoral nor the adulterers will inherit the kingdom of Heaven.
In other words, what happens in the bedroom stays between the husband and wife, for it is by law they are bound to each other. It is merely unacceptable for any third party to ever be involved.
When we marry, there is much that happens beyond the "I do". Marriage is a physical and spiritual bonding experience. For when a man marries his wife, the two become one flesh. There is no three in the equation.
If your husband in such a reader of the Word of God, I suggest he be paying extra attention to the meaning on those verses.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 8/20/2008 1:51:28 AM
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I_Walk_Alone
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I have to agree with Bluestone on this too. When the marriage takes place you are not only making vows to your spouse, but vows with God as the ultimate witness. So when a desire is mentioned that contradicts those vows, your not only saying to your spouse that your a liar, your saying to God that your a liar. When these vows were made, they were made towards one person. Not you and then saying every other person that comes your way. If this were the case, why bother getting married in the first place if there is no intention of staying faithful to one person.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 8/20/2008 6:40:39 AM
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deliveredarling
Posts: 1982
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I have a friend who used to be a swinger. Her husband is a leader in ministry. She made the decision to quit swinging several months ago.
This leader is also a gambler and has gambled their life savings away. He does not work, says he can't find a job. No, I'm sure He can't if they require a drug test  .
They have three children, two of which are teens. The husband has openly stated that he hopes his children discover this. H wants them to be free like he is.
He considered this lifestyle to be a ministry. Talk about the devil twisting some stuff!
Point being, a door opened to such a toxic sin, opened many other doors to sin, all in the name of "freedom".
The truth is that this is bondage of the most deceptive kind. It's contagious and it spreads quickly. If he approves of all this stuff, what is he preaching from the pulpit?
This man and your hubby have some serious issues that need to be addressed. It's not just him at stake. You are and so is the example being taught to your daughter.
You might want to check yourself and get to the root of why caused you to compromise your position.
This is a couple problem, not just a hubby problem. Nothing is too big for God, nothing!
_____________________________
"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed: but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light."
Luke 8:16
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