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HISprincess90 -> Pornography (7/29/2008 9:47:51 AM)

Guys, I just discovered that my fiance has a serious addiction to porn, he has struggled with this since he was 5 yrs old. What can I do to understand and effictively support and help him...help please!



ChoirDJ -> RE: Pornography (7/29/2008 9:09:09 PM)

quote:

What can I do to understand and effictively support and help him...help please!


Honestly...don't marry him because he's not ready yet. It may not seem like that big of a deal right now but it is. If you don't believe me, go over to the marrieds section and read how many marriages have been destroyed by this very issue. If your husband to be can't learn self-control himself as a single person, don't be under any illusions marriage will change this.



DaveW -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 7:51:16 AM)

1 - put your engagement on hold. NOW.
2 - many engaged couples get too physical in their relationship. If this is the case, back off to reasonable and biblical boundaries and have someone keep you accountable in this.
3 - If you have not been having premarital counseling, find a counselor. NOW.


5 years old is way early to be interested in porn. There is probably either some kind of sexual abuse or a very disfunctional family dynamic there that has a high likelyhood of being repeated in your own family if it is not dealt with BEFORE you get married.

This is very serious and needs to be dealt with in a serious manner. I am sure you love this man but if he is unwilling to give this up, do not marry him.



JimboFletch -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 8:13:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW
5 years old is way early to be interested in porn...

I agree that something just isn't right about the claim that he was even remotely interested in porn at 5 years old. Regardless of the truth of his claim, I also agree that you are risking your future and, possibly, your potential children's future to continue being involved with him. The biggest mistake you can make is to try to be a missionary in marriage - something where two people should be one in faith, values, and purpose.

I'll tell you something else that a lot of women don't seem to know: If you marry a man knowing about certain flaws in his character or personality, he generally feels no obligation to drastically change because you KNEW how he was when you married him.



revbob4God -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 11:43:10 AM)

Ever since he was five?
Sounds like maybe the family he grew up in had serious problems, and thats the first red flag, not only do I agree that he will have less motivation to change if you accept this early on, He has less to begin with because he has grown up in this most ridiculous, false, sinful sort of thing and has even more reason to think there isnothing wrong with it, so it would be ten times more difficult for him to change.

Second, what sort of parents let a five year old get out of hand with that sort of thing.
This poor gent probably has flawwed ideas about parenting, relationships, and so on
Or rather, second red flag

Third red flag, well, Pornography is almost like voyeurism. People who openly choose to watch this are watching fake plots, predictable scenes that always lead to one disgusting thing after another, and there is no moral to the story. The participants in this trash do not encourage honest communication or respect between men and women. The whole pornography thing dehumanizes men, women, and I hate to say it, may even involve mistreatment of animals.

Like all of us you clearly have a choice in this matter, but at this point I would suggest that you confront this person. Tell him now is not the time to get married, unless he agrees to terminate the whole pornography thing once and for all, get into a good pre marriage couples counseling program, and if he balks on the first par or any part of this suggestion, run like the wind, and if you still want good faithful companionship, go down to the pet store or local pound and get yourself an English Bulldog, German Shepherd, or nice little heiz 57 and pray for a partner that will not raise so many red flags.



APZR -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 11:55:41 AM)

Ditto to the others...



revbob4God -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 2:16:00 PM)

And another thing, Don't blame yourself or lead yourself to feel any of this is to be construed as your fault. There is a serious guilt cycle in addictions and the victim is almost always made to feel they are to blame, and that is the addicts attempt to justify their own behavior which is a complex but central theme in their problem.
I applaud you trying to minister to a person such as this but please, my Sister, walk away. the issue is not worth the threat that may harm your beautiful Christian Spirit.

Run do not walk.

God Bless



colliefan -> RE: Pornography (7/30/2008 8:58:29 PM)

Walking away from the marriage may not be the best answer but placing a hold on the wedding is needed. Where are you in your pre-marital counseling and has the issue of sex come up? You need flesh/blood counsel rather than from strangers on the net. Also, you need strong female support for yourself. In the same manner, your fiance needs male support in his struggles.



huskarine -> RE: Pornography (7/31/2008 10:55:35 AM)

plan out the marriage as long as he plans on change...assure him of your confidence in him to change...seek counseling and a pastor that will keep him accountable, as well as keep accountability with him yourself...also, make sure he gets plugged into a smallgroup for accountability...

in any marriage, problems like these arise anywhere, and confidence in the partner needs to be assured, but that is only done when there is an inherent trust...putting things on hold will totally dampen the relationship, and say that it will not go on...(just my opinion)

of course, if he is not changing, then you have to put it on hold...



jn1010lf -> RE: Pornography (7/31/2008 10:47:01 PM)

Hello avb9920

I would not marry this man. His heart is corrupted and troubled. If he won't get spiritual help, tell him it's no dice. He cannot love you the way a woman should be loved.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Pornography (8/3/2008 5:44:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HISprincess90

Guys, I just discovered that my fiance has a serious addiction to porn, he has struggled with this since he was 5 yrs old. What can I do to understand and effictively support and help him...help please!


Hi Hisprincess90,
Is it possible for you to mention/share with us what he is wanting to do about it, especially now that you are aware of it? We could try to help you about this, so that you could help him, sure, but given our nature, we don't want to help you right into a world of hurt. It sounds like you want to keep the engagement and help your fiance overcome an addiction- while organizing a wedding, organizing a wedding, and orgainizing a wedding. Has anything more come up about this, and any thoughts shared from him about it?

OneJohn410



HISprincess90 -> RE: Pornography (8/17/2008 9:11:18 PM)

Ok just to clarify....My fiance is a Christian. We were planning on waiting a year till we got married, we are in no rush. He voluntarily signed up for counseling the day that he fell and the day that he told me about it. I didn't even have to ask him too. He knows he has a problem. He has tried in the past to break it before. This time he went in for counseling and we are going to get into counseling together when he is able to come into town. My fiance is in the military and we are six hours apart from each other. He is a good Christian guy, he goes to church regularly and his faith was the initial thing that attracted me to him. When I got into this relationship I knew he had a problem in the past and was aware that it might come up again, but he seemed to be resisting any temptation and I didn't think it was a big issue. I am not going to run away from him as long as he is seeking help and working on this problem. If the person is someone I love and care for deeply and they are doing their best to make changes and seek help, I won't run out on them. Like I said we are in no hurry to get into marriage right now. We know we have issues to work though and we are going to take as much time as possible to work through them. My fiance discovered porn when he was 5 because his dad carelessly and foolishly left videos lying around. That was why he has been struggling with it for so long.



colliefan -> RE: Pornography (8/17/2008 11:06:07 PM)

quote:

Like I said we are in no hurry to get into marriage right now. We know we have issues to work though and we are going to take as much time as possible to work through them. My fiance discovered porn when he was 5 because his dad carelessly and foolishly left videos lying around. That was why he has been struggling with it for so long.


You seem to be a fine woman and have a great understanding of the issue at hand. Blessings to you.



figmentPez -> RE: Pornography (8/21/2008 12:13:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HISprincess90

Ok just to clarify....My fiance is a Christian. We were planning on waiting a year till we got married, we are in no rush. He voluntarily signed up for counseling the day that he fell and the day that he told me about it. I didn't even have to ask him too. He knows he has a problem. He has tried in the past to break it before. This time he went in for counseling and we are going to get into counseling together when he is able to come into town. My fiance is in the military and we are six hours apart from each other. He is a good Christian guy, he goes to church regularly and his faith was the initial thing that attracted me to him. When I got into this relationship I knew he had a problem in the past and was aware that it might come up again, but he seemed to be resisting any temptation and I didn't think it was a big issue. I am not going to run away from him as long as he is seeking help and working on this problem. If the person is someone I love and care for deeply and they are doing their best to make changes and seek help, I won't run out on them. Like I said we are in no hurry to get into marriage right now. We know we have issues to work though and we are going to take as much time as possible to work through them. My fiance discovered porn when he was 5 because his dad carelessly and foolishly left videos lying around. That was why he has been struggling with it for so long.


Well, as a "good Christian guy" who went to church regularly, and had a fiance who was attracted to me because of my faith... but who also destroyed that relationship because of the sin of pornography, I can tell you that you may have a very tough road ahead of you.

First, I want to echo what has been said by others. DO NOT marry this guy until he is solidly in victory over his sin. Marriage will not make things better.

Second, you need to get support for yourself, as well as for your fiance. Find someone you can trust, whom you can talk openly about your relationship with, and who you can be accountable to (preferably someone your fiance respects as well). The difficult truth is that pornography has almost certainly effected this young man in ways that he doesn't even realize. You need people in your lives who will see through the lies that the sin in our hearts tells us. It may be little things, it may be big things, but because of this sin you need to be extra careful in your relationship, because purity can be compromised not just very quickly, but very slowly as well. Talk openly about how your relationship works, and be ready to work on any areas that get flagged as possible trouble.

Set boundaries, and make sure you're being held accountable to those boundaries. It's easy to compromise when you feel you have to express your love somehow. One of the worst things about pornography is that it distorts the perception of love, and hardens the heart to true expression of Godly love. Find people who will help encourage you and your fiance to not only refrain from physical expression, but also be able to see and do the loving actions (like encouraging words, thoughtful gestures and the like) that can so easily be missed if vision is clouded by lust. Depending on your fiance's specific situation, he may just need a little help, or he may need a complete over-haul to be able to get his heart right. Your fiance has the very difficult task of looking himself in the mirror of scripture, and there is likely to be a lot that he doesn't like seeing. Pornography isn't a small problem, it's a really big one. Thankfully, Jesus Christ is a great big God, mightier than any sin.

I may post more if I can, but right now know I'll be praying for you and your fiance.



terryjohn -> RE: Pornography (8/23/2008 3:18:55 PM)

To ask or even expect a man to be asexual is for many just a joke. Now pornography is in itself abuse and leads to many unhealthy attitudes towards others. When in the hands of children it can do a lot of violence to their Spirits and soul. By all means we can get upset and disown those who are addicted to it or could we save its victims. However, you must remember that there is no guarantee that a man you marry, will not develop this addiction after you get married.

If you honestly love this man, you will get Him help before marriage. The first thing you would want to do is ask him what he wants to do. If he says that he wants to be free then there is hope. Now unfortunately, pornography is satans distortion of what God has made. That is sex and the female form are God's idea. What has gone wrong is mens idea of love. Now love cannot use others as does porn. Personally I can't see any deliverance outside Christ so if he does not have faith that is the first step.

You also would want him to show you what has has got and allow him to work through his thinking with you to the point were porn is seen as the evil it really is. If he really loves you, he himself would not want you to marry a man like him.

The way out of porn is to not see the flesh but the soul and spirit of those involved in it. Now it is sure that many in it are abusers or abused themselves, in any case, it should make any man or woman of faith to weep that men should seek out such evil for love cannot seek to disrespect or harm those that it loves.

Now love is not self seeking but desires the well being of others.
Love sacrifices its own feelings for the good of others.
Love rejoices in the freedom and dignity of others.

If a man truely loved a certain woman he would could only want her to marry someone better than him. For who loving a beautiful bird would cage it or who loving a beautiful flower would dare pick it? Now he who loves, does not covet that which he loves!

It would then be a silly question to ask if he loved the women he came across in porn. No wonder scripture says that without love we are nothing and consequently lost.

Nevertheless, were there is faith their is hope, love and freedom. Praise God!



John_O -> RE: Pornography (8/23/2008 3:36:11 PM)

point him to www.xxxchurch.com It is a ministry that deals with porn addiction while cutting through the shame normally attached to it. To the best of my knowledge everyone there has either overcome it or is overcoming it so there's lots of support. The only sin that has power is the one that is unconfessed. They make it easy to confess and be accountable



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