friend engaged to someone significantly younger (Full Version)

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bella05 -> friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/28/2008 11:50:40 PM)

Hello all,

One of my girlfriends, who is 29, is engaged to a man who is 21. They're both Christians which is awesome but they've only dated for a year. Not to say that it's too short of a courtship, generally speaking, but he is so much younger than her. She seems to be focusing more on the wedding day than on their future marriage. At first, I thought it was great because she's so happy. And as I'm seeing him w/ her (he's nice but very immature), I'm like is she really putting some heavy thought into this? It's her decision and I'll support her. But all she does is talk about the wedding and not him or the marriage. I'm wondering if she just kept talking about wanting to be married and he just said "okay, I'll propose".
I'm feeling a little eerie about this... any advice?



ChoirDJ -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 12:53:12 AM)

I think your instincts are very correct on this one. Perhaps you can point out what you've observed and ask her some of those probing questions about the marriage that will follow that grandiose wedding. Afterall, what's the point in putting all the time, effort and money into having the wedding of her dreams if the marriage goes south because one or both people weren't redy for marriage. It sounds like both of them have a lot of maturing to do before they walk down that isle.



dianetavegia -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 9:46:50 AM)

One of our sons is married to a gal 8 years older than him. They are very happy.

If this is a VERY close friend, you could ask a few questions, but I think you should just pray for both of them.

FOR WOMEN ONLY:
Men tend to grow up slowly. I like to say they grow up around age 40 and at 44 enter second childhood.



CheshireMuse -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 10:22:55 AM)

When my husband and I married, I was 38 and he was 29. We've been very happy together.

Maturity and age don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. I once dated a man 11 years OLDER than I was, who behaved worse than my teenage son!

However, from what you've said, it does seem as though your friend may be jumping into this prematurely.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bella05

Hello all,

One of my girlfriends, who is 29, is engaged to a man who is 21. They're both Christians which is awesome but they've only dated for a year. Not to say that it's too short of a courtship, generally speaking, but he is so much younger than her. She seems to be focusing more on the wedding day than on their future marriage. At first, I thought it was great because she's so happy. And as I'm seeing him w/ her (he's nice but very immature), I'm like is she really putting some heavy thought into this? It's her decision and I'll support her. But all she does is talk about the wedding and not him or the marriage. I'm wondering if she just kept talking about wanting to be married and he just said "okay, I'll propose".
I'm feeling a little eerie about this... any advice?



allisonbrett -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 10:55:20 AM)

If and when you speak to your friend be careful how you do it. She may take it the wrong way and assume that you either don't like the guy or don't want her to be happy. It all really depends on the depth of your friendship. As others have said age isn't always a good gauge of maturity but it can give a good hint on if someone has lived enough of their lives to know what they want in life. You may be able to tackfully point out areas of concerns. You may point out things that she has tried to deny. Maybe she was trying to overlook areas of concern because she is caught up in emotion of being in love. Help her think pragmatically. Practical and set emotional aside and focus on the real person. Once the honeymoon is over they have to deal with the reality of life. Marriage isn't easy.

My brother married at 20, his wife was 23. He was still in college and not ready to support a wife. She had graduated and had to take on having to support him until he could graduate. The family wasn't thrilled with their timing but supported them. They had a rough few years in the beginning that very easily could have lead to divorce. They were still very young and immature but because of their determination and their commitment they survived. They moved back to our hometown and claim that their parents influence helped them focus and get back on track. They needed stability and accountability at the time. They've been married 33 years. They have since encouraged their daughters to wait until they've achieved what they wanted before considering marriage.

What I tell my 12 yo dd, "be who you want to be before becoming somebody to someone else".
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you as you decide how to handle the situation.



hotsaucygma -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 12:39:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dianetavegia

FOR WOMEN ONLY:
Men tend to grow up slowly. I like to say they grow up around age 40 and at 44 enter second childhood.
LOL, when my DS was 3, my Husband was 30... I used to say I had a 3yr old going on 30 and a 30 yr old going on 3...



hotsaucygma -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/29/2008 1:00:07 PM)

BTW, I don't think the age difference is as big an issue as the 'planning the wedding without planning the marriage' is. Weddings are big undertakings and "fun" to plan, at least at the beginning [:D], so your friend's pre-occupation with the wedding makes some sense. But if your friend is not thinking past that point, if you are close enough you might want to start asking some leading questions about life after the wedding. Things like "How are you going to handle who pays bills?", "Have you talked about when/if you want children?", etc. Hopefully they are going to do some pre-marital counseling too. Maybe their pastor could suggest some good books for couples, etc.



sudden -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/30/2008 3:15:19 PM)

I really don't understand what the big deal is.

I am a 5 years older than my husband and I have a girlfriend who is 8 years older than hers. I also know that my friend's brother is married to a woman 10 years his senior. All of these marriages have worked out well. I

I agree with one of the other posters..if you are concerned about your friend pray for her.

Sudden



bella05 -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/30/2008 3:51:51 PM)

Thanks for all your thoughts. I know some of you know people who have good marriages when the woman is significantly older. And that's great but I've heard and witnessed differently.
It's not even so much the age difference but the fact that he's only twenty-one and immature. Marriage is one of the most important decisions in life and it's permanent, if marriage is highly valued. In my opinion, in today's society 21 is a little young to get married. I feel it's important to go to college, live on your own, work for a little, and really get to know who you are. Give yourself the chance to grow in confidence and to grow spiritually, educationally, and financially. But people still get married right out of high school and sometimes it works out with some hard work. We live in a very large city and it's just not common around here.
The main point is that my friend seems to be focusing on the wedding instead of all the main issues. I'll keep her is prayer and see if they're going to go into counseling. Thanks again.



TorchHeart -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/30/2008 3:53:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dianetavegia

One of our sons is married to a gal 8 years older than him. They are very happy.

If this is a VERY close friend, you could ask a few questions, but I think you should just pray for both of them.


I have a friend who is currently married to a woman 11 years yonger than he is. It took me a while to get over the age difference (and some of her immaturity), too. But eventually I saw how happy they made each other.

This past June, they had their first baby together.... exactly one year and one day of the day my son was born. So far, they make pretty good parents, too. [:)]

I alsohave another friend of mine who is dating a girl who used to be in the high school class that he TAUGHT, and is 12 years his junior... that relationship I'm MUCH more concerned about (though there are other issues there than just the age difference).

Bottom line: YES, the age difference is something to be concerned about, but it CAN work. Just pray for them like dianetavegia suggested.



bluestone -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/30/2008 4:01:22 PM)

If he were 29 and she 21, there would probably be no discussion.

to many people, May-December is ok, as long as December is the guy.[8|]



sudden -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/30/2008 4:16:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluestone

If he were 29 and she 21, there would probably be no discussion.

to many people, May-December is ok, as long as December is the guy.[8|]


Aint' that just the truth? And....where did that double standard come from anyhow? [;)]

I can say that I know a woman of my mother's generation who married a man 22 years her senior. She was a widow for many, many years - not that that could not happen to anyone at anytime. Time is fleeting and full of unexpected occurences. When asked about her marraige to a man so much older her reply was "don't misunderstand what I am about to say...we were happy - but it is not a circumstance I would recommend"

Yours for lovin 'em,

Sudden



whisper -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/31/2008 4:12:59 AM)

My Dad was 22 and my mom was 29-going-on-30 when they were married.

If she's a close friend, you might want to just casually ask your friend in conversation: "what are some things that excite you about the prospect of being married to _________ (future husband's name)?" You'll learn a lot about her priorities and gain a glimpse if she's marrying because her "clock is ticking" or if she's marrying because she's in love with a man and they're preparing to do life together because of shared passion, compatibility, love for the Lord, etc. If what you hear concerns you (she hesitates in answering, her answers sound shallow, etc.) then dig a bit deeper in concern for a friend. If she's got some great answers for you, quietly and respectfully express your sincere blessing on them and leave it at that. The age in itself is indicative of little.



iluvatar -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/31/2008 7:26:06 AM)

My wife is 8 years older than me (I'm 27, she's 35). We'll have been married 3 years this october.

As others have pointed out, the age difference itself is not so much an issue as everything else related to developing the marriage.

That said, the one age related issue that has plagued us is that her biological clock is ticking loudly, but while her career is great, mine is not to a point where I could support her and a child if she were to take time off work. If I had stayed in my first career, that issue would be solved.

-Dan.



buckifn -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/31/2008 9:01:19 AM)

How many 21 yr. olds have you met who are fully mature? I've yet to meet one, including about 15 altogether in my own family. Esp. males. You say they are both Christian and you see them "so happy" therefore, I would say pray for them, encourage them, and be happy for them too.


Part of the special bond of marriage is growing together emotionally and spiritually.

It's also not unusual for a woman to talk about her wedding a lot. Some dream of that day from the time they are very young girls so I don't see anything abnormal about that. I remember when my daughters were 6 and 7 and acting out their wedding day...they asked me to be one that holds the Bible.lol



RainCatcher -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/31/2008 9:12:37 AM)

All I have to say is don't jump to conclusions that she's only focused on a wedding and that in PRIVATE her and her fiancee do not discuss there future together. Not everyone discusses their private life with other people. My husband-to-be is 3 years older, but we are a young couple. Everyone is different. Make sure your concern is just that, concern & concern only. (As in you're feeling concerned because of jealousy...etc) Which I'm not implying, I don't know your situation.



lastblast -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (7/31/2008 9:37:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dianetavegia
FOR WOMEN ONLY:
Men tend to grow up slowly. I like to say they grow up around age 40 and at 44 enter second childhood.


[:D][8D] Hilarious!!

Ps. My husband's 44......[;)]



JerrynDolli -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/2/2008 10:43:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bella05

Hello all,

One of my girlfriends, who is 29, is engaged to a man who is 21. They're both Christians which is awesome but they've only dated for a year. Not to say that it's too short of a courtship, generally speaking, but he is so much younger than her. She seems to be focusing more on the wedding day than on their future marriage. At first, I thought it was great because she's so happy. And as I'm seeing him w/ her (he's nice but very immature), I'm like is she really putting some heavy thought into this? It's her decision and I'll support her. But all she does is talk about the wedding and not him or the marriage. I'm wondering if she just kept talking about wanting to be married and he just said "okay, I'll propose".
I'm feeling a little eerie about this... any advice?


Pray and trust that the Lord will do a great work behind the scene. But, first examine your heart and see if there be a log there. Ask yourself are you truly happy for her... or envious. After all, why wouldn't she be excite and talk endlessly about her wedding? Getting married is wonderful and you should only do it once... so why not make a fuss. Someone finding you and asking your hands in marriage and is a Blessing. Planning the wedding is one of the best things about getting married... talking about the wedding.

She is under no obligation to talk about her future husband to you... his strengths and weakness. That is to be between the pastor, him and her. That is why there are so many divorces... opinions from outside sources, sometimes these sources are not aware of their own jealousies, therefore, destructive motives.

It would be wise for you not to be (maybe, unknowingly) a source of division. God is very serious about those who cause division in marriage.

One must remember the story about Abigail and David. If it were not for Abigail's maturity and wisdom, David might have sinned. He was reacting...(or shall we say showing not wisdom, but immaturity by way of jeopardizing his future with God). That makes wonder was she older than he.

There is nothing wrong with the help mate being older, she might be the person God uses to encourage him to become the man God called him to be.

Besides, make sure your not looking for flaws that are not there... you know being super critical. Humor and laughter.... fun in a marriage is one of the best secrets to longevity. Growing young together is wonderful.

By the way are you married or single. And if you are married, is yours a happy one?

I advise most women to recognize the source of the negative information given about their spouse. Sometimes it comes from a heart of jealously.

I'm not attacking you... but, I seen many relationships destroy from outside sources who were envious.

A Sister In Christ Jesus,
~Dolli



HappilyMarried -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/3/2008 6:00:31 PM)

I don't think the age difference is that big of an issue. My mom was 28 and my dad was 21 when they married. They were very happy until his death.

If she is a close friend, you could mention focusing on the marriage as well. I think she is probably just excited right now, I don't think her talking all about the wedding is a sure sign she will be unhappy or is making a bad decision. Some people get VERY focused on their wedding-- then the day after the wedding it's a HUGE let down-- because something they focused on for SO long is now over. You might be able to address it like that. That was not a problem for me, because I never really got into my wedding planning.... now my mom on the other hand-- was very depressed the day after I got married. She had nothing to do anymore!!! [8D]



JesKlu -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/4/2008 12:04:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bella05
In my opinion, in today's society 21 is a little young to get married. I feel it's important to go to college, live on your own, work for a little, and really get to know who you are.


Whoa, I'm 21 and a newlywed!

Yes, I am a woman though and going to school. I do agree for men, that 21 is a little too young, but not for women. It's actually a good age to get married for a woman. And she can still go to school while she's married and finish the degree. I see no problem with that.

But for your friends fiancee, maybe he is mature for his age. We can't jump to conclusions

Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica



jaimestarcross -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/5/2008 1:39:39 PM)

The point is, he's immaturity bothers you (not her) - which is good since you aren't interested in a younger man... your reaction is normal.

Being focused on her wedding is a big deal - she's probably been looking
forward to getting married and enjoying all of it's "benefits"! She's been a single Christian for a good deal of time.

When I got married I was focused on having the very best wedding - I didn't even know my hubby's middle name! We met online and married within 3 months!
Yes, people thought we were nuts!
Half my family didn't even show up!
Did I have the best wedding? no, there were some flaws but I got
the best guy ever and I love him flaws and all!



catlady11 -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/6/2008 12:58:19 PM)

Hi Bella. Just my 2 cents. As many posters pointed, out the age difference should not be a major factor. I am getting married in 2 days and for the last couple of months all I have been talking about to whoever was willing to listent is my wedding day. My hubby and I have spent many hours talking about our marriage and also dealt with any issues when we went to pre-marital counseling. Yes, you should be concered if she he getting married just to have a wedding but a doubt that is the case. Rejoice with her and let her know you will always be there for her.



Memaw. -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/10/2008 11:37:00 PM)

I am 7 yrs older than Rick.
He was 24 when we met and I was 32.
I always figured if you can't find a good man, raise one.[:D]

But seriously, this is your friends decision, not yours... and being too concerned about her decision may cost you the friendship.
My advice?
Be her friend, not her Mama.[;)]



relady -> RE: friend engaged to someone significantly younger (8/11/2008 12:49:14 AM)

quote:

I always figured if you can't find a good man, raise one.
Haaahahahaaaa. ROFL. Too true. I am eight years older than my dh and we are hitting 25 years this September. He was 21 when we married and we had our son when he was 23. Yes, I "robbed the cradle" and YES, I would do it again in a heartbeat.



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